How much would should 10 and 12 year olds do around the house?

[BradfordBrontesaurus]

First time poster so apologies if I get stuff wrong! DSC (12 and 10) are with us half of the week. I've never wanted to set them chores because my mum didn't for me. She said my only job was to do my school work, musical instrument, and sports to the best of my ability. Having said that, I remember coming home from school in year 7 and putting on a wash that included my school uniform and also doing the dishes sometimes, clearing up the plates from the dinner table etc. DSC don't do anything. They leave dirty dishes wherever they happened to be eating, they don't bring dirty clothes out from their rooms, they walk past their washed and dried clothing placed in the hall for them to take up. We do ask them to take care of these things and they will do so in the immediate moment but then don't do these things again until they get asked again... and again.... My question is: AIBU to expect children of these ages to do these things such as bringing dirty dishes to the sink, bring washing into the laundry etc. We wouldn't ask them to clean up after us or bring our plates through, just their own things.

You are doing kids no favours in doing all the domestic stuff for them.

Of course the should be doing that

We wouldn't ask them to clean up after us or bring our plates through, just their own things.

Why would you not ask them to do normal family stuff? Mine were expected to do their fair share of household jobs - age appropriate- from about 7.

Of course a 12 and 10 year old should be helping. Leaving dirty dishes around is totally unacceptable. They can wash them or put them in the dishwasher. They should be cleaning their rooms and assisting with laundry. Mine were using the machine at 10, it's not rocket science. They should also assist with anything you need help with. Hoovering, sweeping, dusting, etc. I am in no way saying they should be toiling all day, but a few minutes pitching in is good for them. They need to learn life skills.

Mine all being their own washing down to the basket at those ages. Also anything they use crockery wise away from the table they have to bring to the kitchen (and old enough put in the dishwasher).

They don’t necessarily clear their dinner plate as one of them has the job of clearing the table. The other sets the table and they switch every other week. They don’t have lots of household chores, but everyone chips in in an age appropriate way here.

@Aquamarine1029
They need to learn life skills

That's what I'm worried about - esp. when they move out to go to uni etc.

@Wearywithteens and the disrespectful slobbery is part of what I'm struggling with - I feel like that's what the behaviour is but also wondering if my perception is off

I will admit our circumstances are different as I am disabled but my 9 and 12 year old do a lot around the house.
My 9yo can sort washing and put on a load when asked also change to dryer and know different settings for different things. My 12yo has full control of the dishwasher filling and emptying and putting away. Both can make basic meals. Beans on toast noodles microwave dinners sandwiches etc. They carry all plates and cups out when empty their own and mine and will carry washing up and down the stairs. They also change their own beds but still need help with quilt covers.
The have to be told / asked to do these jobs though they do not just do them automatically.
At the same ages me and my sister would clean and wash up and help change the beds. We would also vacuum and dust when asked.

They definitely need life skills like that.

We also don’t go down the line of linking all pocket money to chores. There are chores they do because they’re part of the household and everyone chips in. Then there are option extras that come with pay. So if they want to save for something they can do more, if they fancy a lazy fortnight they can have one, and both are reflected in pocket money. They also get a very very basic amount of pocket money unrelated to chores. Gives a taste of both what’s needed to run a house and that doing a big extra can be well worth the effort.

@nimbuscloud I think I was hoping that once they were in the swing of clearing up their own stuff it would naturally progress to helping out with others of their own volition. Probably totally naive of me!

Honestly at 12 I could put on a wash, hang out laundry, iron, cook a simple meal, change beds, vacuum. Not all of those in one day obviously But I think it's good for kids. I teach that age group now and it's horrifying how many of them wont even pack their own lunch.

I don’t agree with your mother’s approach or your approach and I wonder what your DHs view is. He and his ex appear to be raising inept and disrespectful individuals. If you are in a family then you contribute towards the family - clearing the plates from the table ( all of them ) and loading the dishwasher or washing up / drying up for example. Presumably when you cook dinner you don’t just make your own food? My DD is 9 and although she doesn’t have regular chores she sets the table, helps with clearing the table, bringing in washing off the line, helping with unpacking food shopping.... simple little jobs. She sometimes makes lunch for us all ( sandwiches and chopped veggies etc ) and can cook an omelette for herself. I don’t think you’re doing them any favours by setting the bar so low but I think at this point you may have an uphill battle on your hands.

@missnevermind it's the constant asking that made me wonder if I was bring unreasonable. Also the task doesn't get done unless they do it immediately, i.e. "when you finish your breakfast can you pop your bowl in the sink" is almost a certainty that they will forget.

My kids do chores, cleaning their own messes, bringing their laundry to the machine putting away their clean clothes, hoovering the house, cleaning bathroom sinks. My DSC on the other hand do nothing unless I am standing over them to remind them of every step. Boiled my blood.

At those ages I'd expect them to to help with (without constantly being asked):

Helping clear table
Helping with washing up/unloading and loading dishwasher

To me the above aren't really chores but just manners, i.e. they see me start to clear away and have been taught to help others so they should know to help me take dirty plates from the table to the sink.

Other things I'd probably ask them to help with sometimes is setting table, sorting clean laundry, perhaps a bit of dusting or hoovering here and there, and maybe cutting the side salad while I make dinner. Would also be teaching them how to put fresh bedding on etc. Not all of this all together but here and there mainly to teach them life skills! I'll never forget when I went to uni that I had to teach my 18 year old flatmate how to put his duvet cover on as the poor sod had never done it himself. He was so embarrassed bless him!

Oh and also they should know to keep their own rooms tidy.

@JustLyra that's a good economics lesson for them. DSC get so much money from large extended families at Christmas and birthdays that they're not interested in weekly small amounts!

@SionnachRua

I think that's part of it - I don't think their mates do anything so they are aggrieved when we ask them.

@TheFoz and that's a WHOLE other layer of family dynamics which makes it a bit awks as well.

@Luckyelephant1 I'll never forget when I went to uni that I had to teach my 18 year old flatmate how to put his duvet cover on as the poor sod had never done it himself.

And this is part of my concern. They've been shown how to do these things but I feel like the wicked stepmother everytime I ask them to do any of these things.

[quote BradfordBrontesaurus]@SionnachRua

I think that's part of it - I don't think their mates do anything so they are aggrieved when we ask them.[/quote]
I'd take what they say about the mates with a pinch of salt. If you took the word of some of my class as gospel, you'd hear that I'm a slave-driver and every other class has it so much easier. Somehow we still do nothing all day, allegedly They tell me similar things about home.

There's a lot that don't do a tap of work but I teach plenty of kids who have proper expectations at home too.

As a teenager I was up at 6am to train, then school, then training again until 7:30pm then homework and bed, 5 days a week. I did nothing around the house, nothing at all. I left for uni and from day 1 was perfectly able to look after myself, wash, cook, clean etc etc. it's not rocket science and it can be learnt on the hop. They don't 'need' to learn. They do however need to be respectful of others they live with and cause the least disruption, not leave things around the house and clear plates away.

I think there's a difference between basic cleaning up after yourselves and chores.
I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old that know to take their plates into the kitchen, scrape the left over food in the bin and put their plates in the sink. So really... yes. Your older kids should be doing that.
I'm just getting my 6 year old to start some basic chores as well such as matching odd socks and loading the washing machine.
If they make a mess, they are expected to tidy it. (Within reason of course)

I think it’s harder as your step mum
My eldest is in uni has been cooking meals
Since 12 ironing same and clothes washing earlier
We have two younger 16 and 11 they have to keep there rooms clean including mopping and hoovering they make there own lunches and both can put on a load of washing but I tend to do it,
16 year old also washes up after dinner and walks the dog they both get pocket money for doing these tasks
I think it’s a parents duty to enable the child to move forward in life with the skills to do so