How much would should 10 and 12 year olds do around the house?

[BradfordBrontesaurus]

First time poster so apologies if I get stuff wrong! DSC (12 and 10) are with us half of the week. I've never wanted to set them chores because my mum didn't for me. She said my only job was to do my school work, musical instrument, and sports to the best of my ability. Having said that, I remember coming home from school in year 7 and putting on a wash that included my school uniform and also doing the dishes sometimes, clearing up the plates from the dinner table etc. DSC don't do anything. They leave dirty dishes wherever they happened to be eating, they don't bring dirty clothes out from their rooms, they walk past their washed and dried clothing placed in the hall for them to take up. We do ask them to take care of these things and they will do so in the immediate moment but then don't do these things again until they get asked again... and again.... My question is: AIBU to expect children of these ages to do these things such as bringing dirty dishes to the sink, bring washing into the laundry etc. We wouldn't ask them to clean up after us or bring our plates through, just their own things.

DS (12) has some chores that he's expected to complete. We made a chart to remind him of what he has to do:

Empty dishwasher (usually daily)
Empty kitchen bin when full
Keep hand soaps in bathrooms filled
Make sure loo rolls are replenished
Change hand towels
Clean shower room once a week (a proper clean, I wipe/tidy it up other days). His sister does the other bathroom.
Pick up dog poo in back garden

He can wash up and cook reasonably well, but I tend to do it. Ditto clothes washing, but he knows how to use the machine.

I’d go one step further and ask them to research, plan, shop and cook one meal a week. This way they would learn the basic art of budgeting, cooking and healthy eating.

I agree with @MajorNeville. I feel like MN posters make such a big deal out of how, if children aren't doing chores all day, they won't be able to function in adult life. I didn't have chores, but of course I washed my own dishes and cups and cleaned my own bedroom. The vast majority of my time was spent... Being a child? Doing homework, studying, going to sports and language clubs, reading, learning, playing, later volunteering. The time I spent doing a lot of this I'd say helped me get great grades and get into a great university.

The second I moved out to go to said university -guess what? I was fine. I turned on a hoover by looking at where the 'on' button was and pressing it. I cooked a meal using a cook book. I used the oven and washing machine because - well, it's not rocket science, is it?

I don't think kids should be allowed to be disrespectful and lazy like your SC seem to be, but I strongly disagree that they need to be doing chores. They have their whole life to do chores, they're not gonna get a chance to be kids again.

And their having time to study, learn sports and languages and skills, etc - well, a great education and skills are much easier to acquire as a child. I'd rather my kids spent their time learning and playing now, and figure out simple tasks like cooking and cleaning later, than vice versa - waste their childhood cleaning and do less well in school or learning less sports, languages, etc, and have to try to learn these as an adult if they want to, when they're also gonna be too busy with chores.

Doing chores for the sake of it isn't especially good for children, if they're raised to be hardworking and respecful, and it doesn't help them THAT much in later life. If parents need their help, they should just say "I want my kids to help because I need their help" rather than pretend it's a huge benefit to the kids.

Sometimes I think we, as mums, like to act like chores are really really difficult because it makes us feel like we're doing more/a better job. I'm guilty of it too. But really, is there any adult who can't figure out how to turn on a machine or follow a recipe?

DD has a list on the fridge. Pet care, clearing her things, getting her lunch. She ticks them all off as she does them and no chasing her.

She also volunteers for cleaning and cooking and she asked for a dustpan, brush and bin for her room.

I think 10-12 is the golden age for house stuff. Old enough to do it properly, Young enough that it's fun. DD just joins in when we're doing it.

Mine have to scrape their plates and put on the side near the dishwasher. But that is it. I personally don't think kids should be doing chores as such but that's just cleaning up after yourself

My 10 year old DD has chores
She helps load the dishwasher after meals and unload it when done.
Twice a week she hoovers downstairs (I do it every day). She doesn't do it very well but she's learning
If she spills a drink or makes a mess, she has to clean it up, although I do help if it's a big mess.
She helps me sort laundry into piles
Once a week we have a big clean in her room and she helps with that
On a daily basis she has to put her laundry in the wash bin, make her bed.
She also helps prepare and cook meals - but that's only because she loves doing it and it's good for to her learn.
I don't want her growing up being useless or unable to look after herself. If plates/cups or whatever have been left around she is told to come and pick them up and put them where they belong!

Best advise I’ve read about teenagers is that they forget everything but get annoyed by repeated requests aka nagging so best to use single word reminders ‘plates’, ‘laundry’ and try not get annoyed by having to do this

In primary school if they had a school dinner then from age 4 they pick up their moulded tray, request food, collect a water glass and cutlery and take it to the table. When they have finished they take their tray, scrape any remaining food off it and put their water glass and cutlery in the correct bins. Why on earth wouldn't they take their plate through to the kitchen at home?

By 12 my two sons had a dishwasher rota so they emptied weekday loads, Dh and I did the weekend ones because there was more to do. But they set the table and help to clear it afterwards, at least bringing everything through to the kitchen.

They also strip their beds and put the bedding into the washing machine, the last person to get their bedding in puts the machine on. I then return the clean and dried bedding to the landing, they collect it and put it back on their beds. They have been on school residential trips since year 3 and had to make their own beds then.

All their dirty laundry is put into the communal laundry system and they have done that since they were toddlers. I think it is disrespectful and a big two fingers up to just leave mess everywhere and expect someone else to clear it up. It is incredibly obvious in primary school when we have children who don't help to clear up after art or tech. We make sure a portion of the work is left solely for them to teach them you can't create a mess and then have someone else to clean it up. Well, not in school anyway.

Also these tasks do not take long. A dishwasher unpack is 5 minutes, stripping a bed no more than 2 minutes. And my sons are academically in the top sets, their attitude to learning is outstanding and yet they have been made to do chores for years, unpaid chores, because no fucker pays me to clean the floor.

Cleaning away after themselves and keeping rooms tidy us all I ask.

Plenty of time for housework when adults so I don’t ask more of them than that. They are expected to study hard and do all homework etc.

Mines 12 and autistic so maybe slightly different.

She's expected to put her clothes in the laundry hamper, I wash her clothes but she puts them away. Feed the dogs when asked and some housework such as dusting (occasionally!).
As long as she cleans up after herself I don't mind, that means hanging coats up, putting shoes away when she comes in etc.

I think a 10 and 12 year old should be doing a lot more.

Ds is 10, he makes his bed, puts dishes away in sink, I do have to tell him to pick up after himself and he helps feed and water his pet gerbils. I sometimes offer him money for extra chores like raking the garden.

When he was schooling from home he made his own lunch and tidied up after himself.

I agree that there should be an expectation that you tidy after yourself and don't treat others as a slave. Every family is different about what they expect chores wise it is what works for you. I am not really sure about the need to learn life skills through chores day in day out, as it isn't rocket science. But it is about respecting each other , doing your bit if needed and looking after your own things. Sounds like their dad needs to step up and he needs to set the tone in how they relate to you.

I don't think DD - just turned 13 - does enough really but she will tidy her room and bring dishes down and even wash them sometimes if I ask her.

It depends on the DC. My eldest is very lazy at 12 both have extra needs. She is a tornado.
I'm always pushing for changes teaching organising tips if she doesn't learn she'll end up hoarding in filthy conditions as an adult..
2nd likes tidying

My 11 year old is expected to load/unload the dishwasher, pick up any puppy accidents (it's his puppy), strip the bed and bring it to the washing pile, remake bed, bring down dirty clothes for washing (might need reminding sometimes), do some basic cooking like prepare a salad. He can make himself a sandwich, a toasted sandwich and noodles for lunch if we're fending for ourselves (sometimes we eat together at lunch, sometimes we don't). He will help bring in and put away the shopping when it's delivered.

But really, is there any adult who can't figure out how to turn on a machine or follow a recipe?

@JemimaJoy Yes there are. And many of us have dated them. But I think more so there are plenty of people who have grown up believing this is not their job because they've never had to do it. More specifically there are many men who believe it's a woman's job because they've always had a woman do it for them. They may not come straight out and say it, but their attitudes and expectations show it.

Mine do their own washing (put it on, out to dry and then leave me a pile of what needs ironing). They put non-iron and ironed clothes away. They’ve done this from 7 and it started out as a way of teaching them to respect their clothes and not change 10 times a day and just put them in the wash, they’ve just continued doing it. They keep their bedrooms tidy. The youngest at 8 will clear the table, she likes to do it and wants to help even if I tell her not to worry. They always clear their own things from the table unless specifically told not to. Giving children chores and responsibility can improve confidence and self esteem. In return for looked after clothes I buy the ones they want, if I know they look after them I’m happy to buy branded joggers rather than H&M ones if that’s what they want. And whilst life skills may not be hard to pick up when you’re older it’s surely nicer not to have to have an extra layer of worry and learning when you first move out of home.

OMG I absolutely despair at parents who don't understand the importance of children being role modeled basic life and social skills, however it is done.

Too many parents think DC learn by osmosis and then at uni for example, or once with a partner, those same DC who have never needed to lift a finger to be kind or helpful while growing up become entitled that others will do it for them and totally useless and selfish.

"Chores" : wrong word.

Swap for learning basic skills for independent life and learning to give and take and to be kind, thoughtful and respectful of others and the environment they are in.

My 12yo DD sets the table, gets everyone drinks at dinner time, often clears the table and rinses plates to go in the dishwasher. Changes her own bedding although I wash and iron it, brings her clothes down to the wash. Helps with the little ones sometimes. The only real sticking point is her bedroom - it's the largest room in the house with an ensuite (shared with dsd but shes hardly ever here) and recently decorated which cost an absolute fortune so I think she should be keeping it nice. Shes constantly got friends round and they make SO much mess - in DDs opinion it affects noone but her so I should leave her to it but it makes me anxious and I just find it disrespectful. Its the only real thing we argue over.

From 5+ I would expect them to carry used crockery into kitchen
At 7/8 they took turns to wash up and with some help kept own rooms tidy
Gradually increased self care skills
At 11 they had to make own packed lunches, iron school uniform - change own sheets and help around house
They both used to enjoy helping with cooking and food shopping
I never asked them to do laundry other than ensure dirty clothes were in laundry basket as it was easier for me to do
Both of them hated gardening but would help with DIY
They are now very self sufficient adults

If my 4 year old can clear her own plate, then offer (of her own accord) to move ours, put her clothes in the washing basket and packs her own lunch (she doesn't make her sandwiches) then I'm sure your DSC can do at least these things. These are jobs that my DD wants to do herself but it shows that she is taking some responsibility for herself.
I think a lot of children have far too much done for them nowadays and won't be ready for the real world. Do they not do anything for their mother? Does she also do everything for them?

Mine are 9&11. They are expected to put their laundry away properly. Dirty laundry goes in the laundry basket and if they don't then they have to sort a load for me.

I expect them to strip beds when asked and put on the sheet and pillowcases, both need help with the duvet cover.

I expect them to help without complaint when asked, dishwasher, hoovering, table, cooking, taking bin out etc. And to clear up whatever mess they've made.

The having to ask constantly and memory like a goldfish is normal here I'm not much better tbh but it if something I've specifically asked them to do and they haven't, I will leave it for them to do.