How much would should 10 and 12 year olds do around the house?

[BradfordBrontesaurus]

First time poster so apologies if I get stuff wrong! DSC (12 and 10) are with us half of the week. I've never wanted to set them chores because my mum didn't for me. She said my only job was to do my school work, musical instrument, and sports to the best of my ability. Having said that, I remember coming home from school in year 7 and putting on a wash that included my school uniform and also doing the dishes sometimes, clearing up the plates from the dinner table etc. DSC don't do anything. They leave dirty dishes wherever they happened to be eating, they don't bring dirty clothes out from their rooms, they walk past their washed and dried clothing placed in the hall for them to take up. We do ask them to take care of these things and they will do so in the immediate moment but then don't do these things again until they get asked again... and again.... My question is: AIBU to expect children of these ages to do these things such as bringing dirty dishes to the sink, bring washing into the laundry etc. We wouldn't ask them to clean up after us or bring our plates through, just their own things.

I've got an 11 year old. I am constantly nagging. But I am determined he will clear up/ laundry/put out the bins etc. He also mops the kitchen floor 2/3 times a week.

I think it's part of their development. Keep nagging. I reckon in about 3 years they'll get the hang of it.

I agree with your mum - they shouldn’t be doing anything except their best at school. That said, disrespectful slobbery is not to be tolerated - they don’t have to be slaves to a domestic chore rota but not being a dick, and basic clearing up after yourself would be a given.

Completely agree.

They're of an age to underatand and be responsible for themselves., they're just being lazy.

What happens at their Mums. Dh needs to be on board telling them basic instructions.

It is for me to sometimes put the washer on , sometimes do everything, cook ,hoover.its part of been a family and so they do have life skills.

If they were downloaded with hw. I would do it all.

[quote BradfordBrontesaurus]@nimbuscloud I think I was hoping that once they were in the swing of clearing up their own stuff it would naturally progress to helping out with others of their own volition. Probably totally naive of me![/quote]
Depends on the kids, but for most, that's wishful thinking

I expect them to do basic respect things like take their plates/cup/glasses etc to the kitchen & not leave their crap all over the place.

But no set 'jobs'

I do expect them to do anything they're asked to do. (Bring washing down, put the kettle on, clear the table (of shared things), take the rubbish out to the outside bin. Not often asked, but expected to do it when asked.

We were expected to keep our rooms tidy, put clean clothes away from being young. By the time we hit year 6 and high school we all had to do some type of weekly or daily cleaning eg; polishing or hoovering, clean the bathroom. We also shared washing up/drying after food. We made our own beds/put clean bedding on

By 13/14 I could wash, dry, iron including hand washing. I cleaned the whole house for pocket money when I was at college and in less hours.

I might have not enjoyed it at the time but it didn’t affect my schooling, or social life at all. It doesn’t take up much time. And it gave me life skills which are so important. In my eyes children and young people should be learning them from a young age not that mum or dad do everything. Even toddlers can be encouraged to put toys in a box after finishing playing on occasion.

It sounds like the sc are just being lazy to not even do basics

@Lullabymummy17

If my 4 year old can clear her own plate, then offer (of her own accord) to move ours, put her clothes in the washing basket and packs her own lunch (she doesn't make her sandwiches) then I'm sure your DSC can do at least these things. These are jobs that my DD wants to do herself but it shows that she is taking some responsibility for herself. I think a lot of children have far too much done for them nowadays and won't be ready for the real world. Do they not do anything for their mother? Does she also do everything for them?

Aw bless. They're so cute when they're little, all wanting independence & want to do new things. They grow, it's no longer novel & fun and things change. Enjoy the adorable age she us!

My 12yo doesn't have chores as such, but he does have to put clothes in the wash basket, put his clean clothes away, clear up dishes, glasses, etc that he uses and put them in the dishwasher, keep his room reasonably tidy, help set the table or clear away. It's all considered being part of the family really

Oh and when he was at home in lockdown he can make a simple lunch for him and his WFH Dad. Beans on toast, tinned soup, sandwiches, etc

My children are 3 and 5 years old. They put their dishes (kids plates) in the sink after they have eaten. They also put their dirty underwear in the laundry basket and make an attempt to make their bed.

By the age of 10 and 12 I would expect them to clear the dishes and wipe down the table. Put the laundry in the machine (under supervision). Those tasks take all of 5 minutes so isn't going to take a lot of time out of doing schoolwork, playing or relaxing. Its not that I wouldn't be able to manage without them doing these chores but that they are part of the family and the home doesn't clean itself. I think it is basic manners to clean up after yourself.

By 10 I was ironing my own clothes, hoovering and dusting. I still manged to do my school work and pass my exams as well as having plenty of downtime.

Yanbu that they should do more but it should come from their parent not you.

@AlmostSummer21 I'm definitely making the most of it now whilst she doesnt argue! I'm hoping it does continue though as she's such a little angel... 99.9% of the time.

@abstractprojection

I love it... Annoy them into housework!

@JemimaJoy and @DeathStare

I have indeed dated one of these 38-but-has-no-idea-how-to-clean blokes... Bloody awful.

My ds is 5 and he has things he has to do. I don't think he even realizes that tidying up his room and playroom is a chore. Neither does he even realise that all dishes go anywhere else but the kitchen. You and dh have to enforce this at your house. They will be lazy, useless adults. These are basic skills. It may he his kids but it's your house and you are perfectly entitled to set rules that require you to not be treated as a skivvy. I wouldn't tolerate this.

Tidying their bedroom definitely and putting their dirty dishes in the dis washer/washing them up, those are basics and absolutely should be doing that. By 12 I'd certainly be showing them how to use the washing machine as well

*but bear in my mind they're kids so you will have to keep reminding them to these things!

[quote Wearywithteens]@JemimaJoy I love your post - so true. Children don’t need to be doing domestic work - they should be concentrating on their school work and having fun. I didn’t do a single thing as a child and learned soon enough as an adult when I had to.

As a woman it’s important to me that I’m not raising daughters to be perfect little housewives and associating housework with parental approval.[/quote]
to a point, they should at least be tidying up after themselves (as in putting their toys away, putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, putting their used plates etc in the dishwasher)

Mine are identical ages.

They are expected to clear their plates to the dishwasher , put away their clothes, put dirty clothes in basket, tidy rooms so I can whiz with hoover and dust.

At the weekends they will do jobs like washing the car/ flapjacks/ hanging out washing for a pound a job.

We don't ask them to do a huge amount - but more than zero.

They know how to put on a wash and tie to tumble dry.

I'm teaching eldest some basic meals / Spag Bol, chicken curry.

They can both make a pot of tea and toast.

Oh, mine also strip their beds and remake them though youngest needs help with the duvet cover.

My 4 year old is being trained now to clear his own plate...

OP I don't understand why your husband isn't making his kids clear up after themselves. Why is it your job?

My 14 year old stepson tidies his room, clears dinner plates and loads the dishwasher, unloads when clean. He puts his washing in the wash basket.

I wouldn't be doing their washing if I were you, if they can't be arsed putting it in the wash basket. That's not even doing chores, it's basic respect.

Thank you everyone for responding. My inclination is to not set the two boys chores but yes ask them to help out (also so they feel part of the household?). Ultimately I don't need their help (and actually it's easier and faster to do it myself) but seems lots of kids do loads more. I'm inline with my mum's philosophy, but yes, having some sense of communal living is important. DH does ask them to do these small tasks but has the same success rate as me . Not sure what happens at their mum's - as they allegedly do chores but they're amazingly incompetent at these tasks that apparently they do all the time at hers . Thanks again everyone

We came up with a chore chart because asking them to help out wasn’t working well.
Set chores weren’t my first preference, tbh.

It’s tricky, because I appreciate what others have said about letting children be children and focusing just on their schoolwork, etc. Ultimately we felt that ours are leading rather privileged lives and needed to realize that everyone needs to pitch into the household.

Since they were old enough to sit at the table my grandchildren have put their dirty cups and plates by the sink or, later, in the dishwasher.
If your step children don't take their clean clothes upstairs, leave them their, they'll realise eventually when they have no clean clother.

@JemimaJoy

I agree with *@MajorNeville*. I feel like MN posters make such a big deal out of how, if children aren't doing chores all day, they won't be able to function in adult life. I didn't have chores, but of course I washed my own dishes and cups and cleaned my own bedroom. The vast majority of my time was spent... Being a child? Doing homework, studying, going to sports and language clubs, reading, learning, playing, later volunteering. The time I spent doing a lot of this I'd say helped me get great grades and get into a great university.

The second I moved out to go to said university -guess what? I was fine. I turned on a hoover by looking at where the 'on' button was and pressing it. I cooked a meal using a cook book. I used the oven and washing machine because - well, it's not rocket science, is it?

I don't think kids should be allowed to be disrespectful and lazy like your SC seem to be, but I strongly disagree that they need to be doing chores. They have their whole life to do chores, they're not gonna get a chance to be kids again.

And their having time to study, learn sports and languages and skills, etc - well, a great education and skills are much easier to acquire as a child. I'd rather my kids spent their time learning and playing now, and figure out simple tasks like cooking and cleaning later, than vice versa - waste their childhood cleaning and do less well in school or learning less sports, languages, etc, and have to try to learn these as an adult if they want to, when they're also gonna be too busy with chores.

Doing chores for the sake of it isn't especially good for children, if they're raised to be hardworking and respecful, and it doesn't help them THAT much in later life. If parents need their help, they should just say "I want my kids to help because I need their help" rather than pretend it's a huge benefit to the kids.

Agree with everything you’ve said 👏🏻