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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kill me and feed me to the pigs

94 replies

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:22

My DD (12) is autistic (very mild) and it's NOT a good combination with puberty.

Her behaviour has been absolutely horrid lately, and for many reaons, I took her phone away permanently this morning and told her she wouldn't be allowed to see her girlfriend 'till her behaviour improves.

She came home from school and wanted her phone to message a friend going through a rough time. I said no. Then the friend wanted to commit suicide. I said no. Then suddenly the friend had tried to commit suicide. I know she was playing me. Anyway, after 30 minutes of screaming at me that I'd killed her friend, she borrowed her sister's phone and messaged in their group whatsapp. I took the phone and read the conversation.

To sum up, DD told her friends I am fucking crazy, I'm a bitch etc etc. Her friends told her I'm digging my own grave and asked DD if they could kill me and feed me to the pigs. DD said yes. It was fucking this and mf that all the way.

Now I know things are said in the heat of anger, and I know she loves me (but also passionately hates me), but something in me died today.

My question is - should I contact these girls' mothers and tell them their DDs are talking about killing a friend's mother? It's totally inappropriate behaviour as far as I'm concerned. If my girls ever EVER said that about someone else all hell would break loose.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2021 23:24

Bloody hell. How awful OP, I’m so sorry

No advice, a lot of sympathy.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 23:28

I'm really sorry OP but would you consider changing the title? I don't usually say things like that but my mind went straight to that case in Canada and it's a really grim reference. I assume that isn't why you wrote it but yeah it's not nice.

nimbuscloud · 27/05/2021 23:29

Yes. Contact their parents.

Doodledeedum · 27/05/2021 23:29

God that's horrific I'm so sorry! Would you want to know if your daughter spoke like this about some one else's mum? I know I'd want to be told. Maybe you all decide on a consequence between you too

Carrotcakeforbreakfast · 27/05/2021 23:32

Contact the parents.

I would also put her on a phone ban and remind her she is 12.

RickiTarr · 27/05/2021 23:32

What group of friends are these? Did you have any inking they spoke to each other like this or do they normally present as though butter wouldn’t melt? Do you know their mums well? That’s actually quite a tough one. It sounds like quite a shock.

The case with all the sex workers @NiceGerbil ? That was chilling.

Thedogscollar · 27/05/2021 23:32

Just picking my jaw up off the floor.
Truly awful behaviour.
Yes I would be contacting the other parents re discussion detailing the suicide attempt and threats to kill. Good God they are 12 yr old children.
You have my sympathy OP.

Lalliella · 27/05/2021 23:32

Definitely tell the mums. That’s completely wrong and really sick. Sorry you saw this OP

RickiTarr · 27/05/2021 23:34

If you’ve got mobile numbers or email addresses for the parents, if send one communication attaching screenshot maybe? I certainly couldn’t be bothered to argue with any of them who refused to believe it, but ideally they should be told.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:34

@NiceGerbil

DD told me she'd Googled 'how to get rid of a body' and the suggestion was to feed it to the pigs. She probably read about that case, although I haven't read it.

OP posts:

RickiTarr · 27/05/2021 23:38

So it was your own DD proposing methods of killing you and disposing of you?! Bloody hell. At first it sounded like the friends’ suggestion, which for some reason sounded marginally less fucked up than your DD dreaming it up herself. Wow.

Maybe you need further input from CAMHS or similar? There isn’t really any such thing as “mild ASC” anyway and obviously she is struggling significantly on one level or another to be acting out like this.

Trying to look at it as a red flag instead of getting into a confrontational dynamic might stop things escalating.

lakesidelife · 27/05/2021 23:41

OP I know this is a easier said than done but try to remember that nothing is more of a drama lama than a tween girl.

I would also caution a little dragging other parents into this unless the suggestion of harm came from another dc?

It sounds a little as though it came from your dc and they were supporting her?

I'm not saying this is right but it is definitely the way that teenage group think works.

I would cut communication via other people's phones. Leave it for tonight and tomorrow when emotions are calmer sit down and have a conversation with dd.

Explain the hurt that you experienced. Explain the reality of what she saying, I'm darn sure she hasn't considered this.
Ask for a meaningful apology and set out a road map for regaining privileges.
( I also get that when it is happening to you being calm and rational is much harder)

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:41

@RickiTarr

The case with all the sex workers @NiceGerbil ? That was chilling.

I knew there was a lot of swearing going on, but yes, in 'normal' life they're all little angels.

DD also said that she's going to talk to the Head of Year/Senco about her fucking crazy bitch of a mother. I think perhaps I'll phone tomorrow and speak to this teacher. I do have screenshots. Nobody at school believes me when I tell them of DDs behaviour, as she masks very well and excels at school. Perhaps this will open their eyes as to what I have to live with on a daily basis.

OP posts:

RubyFakeLips · 27/05/2021 23:42

It all sounds very high drama, your DD using suicide of a friend as a manipulation tactic etc.

However, if I was the other parent and you contacted me, and I saw what your DD had said, I’d tell you to get your own house in order first.

Your DD is messaging them slagging you off saying how awful you are. She is effectively inciting the vitriol and probably loving it tbh. They’re teenage girls, they aren’t going to tell her how unkind that is. They will be dramatically supportive back.

Feeding someone to the pigs comes up in a fair few films. If you’ve seen Snatch you know not to trust a man who keeps a few pigs.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/05/2021 23:43

That is not acceptable at all she has no respect for you.
My DD is 12 ASD too I'd never think that attitude was her ASD she can be cheeky too.
It reads psychotic I'd be ringing CAHM'S and the other girls parents.
I've watched many crime shows, her anger would freak me out.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:44

@RickiTarr - no, in the conversation it was her friends who suggested it - DD told me afterwards about googling how to dispose of a body, and that her friends were just joking as they'd been talking about it. Hmph.

DD did say to me a number of times this evening that she feels very very guilty about what was said and that she does love me.

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 23:45

Sorry OP, I jumped the gun. I hope her friends have just heard the phrase and not the likely origin. A man killed 49 women and that's what he did with them.

Anyway.

This is 12 year old girls speaking like this? I mean I know teens posture etc but that still feels beyond that.

Are they at school together?

How old is her GF?

I mean overall what's the dynamics in this group. Know each other through school or similar or something else? Are they all the same age? Is it girls or boys as well?

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/05/2021 23:46

OP I suggest you speak to other mum of autistic daughters.

I totally relate to your problem.

Best method I found is recording the messages and sending them via message (with no phone this may prove difficult)

It gives them chance to read and process the issues.

RickiTarr · 27/05/2021 23:46

DD did say to me a number of times this evening that she feels very very guilty about what was said and that she does love me.

That’s positive. That’s actually really reassuring. Not that that thought helps when she is in full sail, I’m sure. Maybe it is like a distress flare she is sending up. You know what they say about all behaviour being communication. Teenagers are a lot like toddlers in that respect.

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 23:47

Yes of course talk to the school welfare person.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/05/2021 23:48

Definitely don't involve the other parents, it is an in-house problem the name calling and hate from DD is chilling.
Could you ask a close friend if this behaviour is usual? I'd go through every text on her phone.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:52

@NiceGerbil - they're all around the same age, all girls. Some of them were in primary school together, some of them in high school together - so they all know each other through attending various different schools.

The GF was a neighbour where we used to live, and they also went to the same Primary.

OP posts:

RubyFakeLips · 27/05/2021 23:52

If she saying it was a joke are you reading too much into this, fuelling the fire a bit or projecting maybe?

Last week my husband did a minor thing that sent me into a rage. I messaged my sister, in jest, saying bring the black bags, I’ve got my own shovel, I’m going to bury that -every name under the sun- husband of mine as soon as it’s dark. We went back and forth over should we go Breaking Bad style and dissolve him in acid or classic crime caper and wrap him up in a carpet. It’s just dark humour, I’d never harm a hair on his colossally annoying head. MN is full of posts about new patios and accidentally offing the MIL.

lakesidelife · 27/05/2021 23:55

So maybe in the heat of anger she got carried away.
Her friends don't love you so they don't care if you get hurt.
She does care but tweens even without SEN or Autism don't always work out where the boundaries of safe behavior are.
Hard as it is, not getting too emotional while putting in clear boundaries is part of parenting tweens/teens.

( again I know this is way easier to say than do)
So set your boundaries about what she can and cannot say about you. Give her other suggestions for expressing anger.

Can you tell I have a tween given to emotional dis-regulation? It isn't that unusual in reality even if very hurtful in the moment.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:55

@RubyFakeLips - the only thing she said was a joke was about feeding me to the pigs, because they'd talked and laughed about that earlier.

I know, I've joined in a few shovel and patio threads, but these are 12yo girls, and it wasn't said in jest.

OP posts:

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