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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kill me and feed me to the pigs

94 replies

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:22

My DD (12) is autistic (very mild) and it's NOT a good combination with puberty.

Her behaviour has been absolutely horrid lately, and for many reaons, I took her phone away permanently this morning and told her she wouldn't be allowed to see her girlfriend 'till her behaviour improves.

She came home from school and wanted her phone to message a friend going through a rough time. I said no. Then the friend wanted to commit suicide. I said no. Then suddenly the friend had tried to commit suicide. I know she was playing me. Anyway, after 30 minutes of screaming at me that I'd killed her friend, she borrowed her sister's phone and messaged in their group whatsapp. I took the phone and read the conversation.

To sum up, DD told her friends I am fucking crazy, I'm a bitch etc etc. Her friends told her I'm digging my own grave and asked DD if they could kill me and feed me to the pigs. DD said yes. It was fucking this and mf that all the way.

Now I know things are said in the heat of anger, and I know she loves me (but also passionately hates me), but something in me died today.

My question is - should I contact these girls' mothers and tell them their DDs are talking about killing a friend's mother? It's totally inappropriate behaviour as far as I'm concerned. If my girls ever EVER said that about someone else all hell would break loose.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2021 09:02

PuddyMuddles4 I have been referred to the counselling service myself as that is how I feel. Feel free to pm you if wish

EmeraldShamrock · 28/05/2021 09:10

This reply has been deleted

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Supersimkin2 · 28/05/2021 09:15

Autism doesn’t mean wicked.

Krook · 28/05/2021 09:22

@PuddyMuddles4 Sorry you are going through this, it's very difficult and I think you need to look into getting some help. You're right that CAMHS isn't going to be much use in the short term but it's worth getting on their radar again.
I hope you don't mind me saying this but IMO there's really no such thing as 'mild' autism although I do absolutely know what you mean by that. Hormones can have a profound effect on autistic teens as I'm sure you know. And girls' friendships can become extremely difficult as they present so differently to boys.
Plenty of people would never guess my child has autism and they could easily class as a 'mild' case but the effect on the emotional well being is so huge there is nothing mild about it.
There are lots of very supportive private FB groups for parents dealing with ASD and/or mental health issues which it might be worth joining.

AlfonsoTheMango · 28/05/2021 09:31

Yes, OP. Please contact their parents.

I have autism (Asperger's) and would never accept autism as an excuse for that behaviour or language.

I am sure that your daughter and her friends are lovely and were just blowing off steam but the sentiment is worrying and needs to be addressed.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 28/05/2021 09:35

It’s a phase that does pass. They level out again hormone wise (and grow up and stop being so dramatic too!). If it’s any consolation at all, she’s acting the same as my NT daughter at the same age. But having heard my ASD DC scream things like he wants to die and he wishes I was dead too, completely get how painful it is to see and hear stuff like that Flowers

Mandsy100 · 28/05/2021 09:37

I'm so shocked. That is a vile group of girls. Sorry it is that. You should be very horrified and disturbed that these thoughts are even coming off as jokes. Contact each and every one of the parents. This has to be severely dealt with.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/05/2021 09:37

Autism doesn’t mean wicked. I know both of my DC have ASD.
DS is completely obsessive he is 6 when he gets something in his head he'll target the person with his feelings sometimes those feelings are love squeezing hugs other times hate their voice and movements drives him insane with rage.

If you can break her from a friendship group a bit, put in a routine no phones on a Thursday have a movie night? Have the conversation lovingly suggest you reconnect then bump it up. When she is being awful say "I'm sorry you feel like that, I love you"
Those 24 access devices are terrible for DC.
The explosive child is a good read, it really helped with DS. I want to flip but use my calm poker face.
I do worry about his actions as he gets bigger.

Mandsy100 · 28/05/2021 09:38

And please don't pass this of as dark humor and a phase 🙄. There are many 12yo who don't do this. This isn't normal at all.

AlfonsoTheMango · 28/05/2021 09:39

@ConfusedAdultFemale

It’s a phase that does pass. They level out again hormone wise (and grow up and stop being so dramatic too!). If it’s any consolation at all, she’s acting the same as my NT daughter at the same age. But having heard my ASD DC scream things like he wants to die and he wishes I was dead too, completely get how painful it is to see and hear stuff like that Flowers
Thank you, @ConfusedAdultFemale, for saying that your NT acts the same.

I am so tired of hearing all of the uniformed, ignorant and offensive comments about how those of us on the spectrum think and act that it's refreshing to see someone comment on how NTs behave, too!

Morechocmorechoc · 28/05/2021 09:44

I'd say she needs new polite friends, these people do not sound pleasant and if thats who she hangs out with it will likely become worse. She's about to be in secondary school right? If at all possible I would move her to somewhere new, anywhere but with that group

Popetthetreehugger · 28/05/2021 09:47

Please let school know , my thought is that if you give her goals to attain to earn her phone back , but on a zero tolerance . No phones at night or at the table and random checking . Every good wish and luck 💐

OnTheBrink1 · 28/05/2021 09:57

To be honest OP my DD is 11 and in y7. Some of the things the other girls say in messages is horrific (sexual and otherwise) so what they have said doesn’t shock me as such. Some kids are given far far too much access to the internet and you tube. The whole adult world is on you tube alone. I find kids hear or read stuff and then don’t really know what to do with that info and then it comes back out in some way- inappropriate talk with friends usually.
She is mad with you and using things she has heard or read to fire all her anger. She won’t really want you dead or fed to pigs, it’s just the most hateful thing she can think of right now.
She needs to talk it through with someone else. Someone from school perhaps. Someone else she trusts or trusts the opinion of.
Her phone should be locked down to no google/ you tube / insta etc. You may need someone in the middle - neutral to help you two sort your differences and get to the bottom of this and everything that has gone on?

OnTheBrink1 · 28/05/2021 09:59

Oh yes and phones at night should be a 100% no. It’s so hard though I do sympathise

BeastOfBODMAS · 28/05/2021 10:03

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Repeats deleted post.

OnlyheretovoteonAIBU · 28/05/2021 10:16

@PuddyMuddles4 Flowers

WhoisRebecca · 28/05/2021 10:26

Autism does mean that she may not understand how saying these things can affect you and she will push the boundaries too far. It doesn’t mean she wants to do it and it doesn’t mean she’s psychotic! It merits a very stern conversation about what is acceptable as dd can learn this behaviour and perhaps the natural consequence is the loss of the phone until she can be trusted. I have an autistic teen who will say outlandish things she doesn’t mean.

WhoisRebecca · 28/05/2021 10:29

My dd rode her bike down a country lane at night to ‘rescue’ her mate who had run away after an argument with her mum. No sense of danger at all and so emotionally disregulated. In her mind she was helping her friend and she didn’t understand why what she had done was dangerous. My dd can be manipulative too. It’s hard going, so I empathise Flowers

OrangeRug · 28/05/2021 10:30

I understand that you must be very hurt (I would too) but I wouldn't contact their parents. It's just kids talking shit. I probably wouldn't want to have them over my house unless they apologised though.

billy1966 · 28/05/2021 10:49

You have my full sympathy OP, it sounds very hard.

Those messages are vile.

Would you forward the thread on WhatsApp to yourself.

I think you need to get some support for yourself.

CorianderBee · 28/05/2021 14:30

I think the pigs thing is a film reference... I know people have been saying it since at least I was at school. Anyway.

Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 15:09

Thank you all for your supportive messages. It's a tough one though, as she is extremely intelligent but doesn't understand social interaction and social graces at all. This means she really battles to make friends, and feels 'safe' I guess in the LGBTQ 'club' (I learned this morning that 4 of the girls in the group are non-binary, one is trans and my DD is gay). This groups accepts her and she feels she has friends, but, and this is my opinion - these 'clubs' can be very hysterical - I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean.

So, on one hand I am very happy that she has friends, but I am also very concerned about those friends. I know how difficult it is for her to make friends so I don't really want to say no, your friends aren't good for you.

Our kids are so confused with all the choices they have nowadays.

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 28/05/2021 16:00

@PuddyMuddles4

Sorry if my posts are confusing - I've been suffering with very bad side effects to the Covid jab and DD has been screaming at me almost 24/7 for months now. I'm so tired.
Is it like a prolonged meltdown? What’s the pattern of the screaming? When was she diagnosed?

One of mine wasn’t diagnosed until her teens and she’s the worst of my DC (all HF ASC) at self-regulating. I’m wondering if you need to go back to basics.

It sounds really intense and so draining for you.

RickiTarr · 28/05/2021 16:01

@PuddyMuddles4

Thank you all for your supportive messages. It's a tough one though, as she is extremely intelligent but doesn't understand social interaction and social graces at all. This means she really battles to make friends, and feels 'safe' I guess in the LGBTQ 'club' (I learned this morning that 4 of the girls in the group are non-binary, one is trans and my DD is gay). This groups accepts her and she feels she has friends, but, and this is my opinion - these 'clubs' can be very hysterical - I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean.

So, on one hand I am very happy that she has friends, but I am also very concerned about those friends. I know how difficult it is for her to make friends so I don't really want to say no, your friends aren't good for you.

Our kids are so confused with all the choices they have nowadays.

I know exactly what you mean about all of that.
Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 16:21

@RickiTarr - She was diagnosed when she was 5.

I am working my way through the book "10 Days to a less defiant child".

Apparently there is a supermoon and eclipse this weekend - that would explain a lot about the sudden escalation in behaviour.

OP posts:
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