Kill me and feed me to the pigs

[PuddyMuddles4]

My DD (12) is autistic (very mild) and it's NOT a good combination with puberty.

Her behaviour has been absolutely horrid lately, and for many reaons, I took her phone away permanently this morning and told her she wouldn't be allowed to see her girlfriend 'till her behaviour improves.

She came home from school and wanted her phone to message a friend going through a rough time. I said no. Then the friend wanted to commit suicide. I said no. Then suddenly the friend had tried to commit suicide. I know she was playing me. Anyway, after 30 minutes of screaming at me that I'd killed her friend, she borrowed her sister's phone and messaged in their group whatsapp. I took the phone and read the conversation.

To sum up, DD told her friends I am fucking crazy, I'm a bitch etc etc. Her friends told her I'm digging my own grave and asked DD if they could kill me and feed me to the pigs. DD said yes. It was fucking this and mf that all the way.

Now I know things are said in the heat of anger, and I know she loves me (but also passionately hates me), but something in me died today.

My question is - should I contact these girls' mothers and tell them their DDs are talking about killing a friend's mother? It's totally inappropriate behaviour as far as I'm concerned. If my girls ever EVER said that about someone else all hell would break loose.

The other thing worth considering is pathological demand avoidance. It might be worth googling.

@CorianderBee

I think the pigs thing is a film reference... I know people have been saying it since at least I was at school. Anyway.

It is - from one of the sequels to The Silence of the Lambs. Gary Oldman's character was fed to pigs in the film I'm thinking of but can't recall the title.

I think PDA could be a good shout. Dd 15 is going through the autism assessment pathway now and I think she has a PDA profile. She will say odd things to shock without truly meaning them. I don’t think autism is ever ‘mild’ as such. The diagnostic process is rigorous and it is debilitating, just sometimes in less immediately obvious ways. My dd is currently struggling to go to school and we’ve had to reduce the demands by making it flexible (with school's support).

I would read up on therapeutic/connective parenting- I’ve found that helpful.

I can empathise with the feeling of numbness and like a feeling dead as my 11yr DS has ADD rages and has screamed at me that he will kill me. We both know it's his rage, related to difficulties in managing emotions, but after I pull back from him and cannot help it.

After removing electronics and him showing better behaviour things rebalance, but we are all human and having horrible things said is hurtful.

You are doing well to stay calm and to reflect on the way to go forwards.

[quote PuddyMuddles4]@RickiTarr - She was diagnosed when she was 5.

I am working my way through the book "10 Days to a less defiant child".

Apparently there is a supermoon and eclipse this weekend - that would explain a lot about the sudden escalation in behaviour.[/quote]
Bullshit.

@KevinTheGoat - Really? Join any FB VCB group to see how many parents say the moon influences their children's moods. See how much busier A&E is when there is a full moon.

@KevinTheGoat I thought all that was crap too. A friend works in a school for children with behavioural problems, apparently the full moon thing is very very real. It’s also bad when it’s very windy!

I’d be concerned that at 12 they have had far to much access and info to a world they are too young to understand. My DS is 13 and still playing Harry Potter and building modes of his school on Minecraft. He doesn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend and isn’t ‘anything’ yet. How do they know about feeding bodies to pigs? In my opinion children are being given far too much unrestricted access to information they don’t know what to do with. I know it’s not popular on here and I speak all the time to my children about the world that they will grow up in, that they can love and accept anyone and they should expect to be loved and accepted by others. We chat openly and honestly about consent and sex but none of their friends are at the stage to have made decisions on their sexuality or to have BF or GF and I’d be horrified if my 13 year old was in a relationship. They have loads of time for all that shit when they are adults. Why does she need to be in a relationship?

I really feel for you and have a 9 year old DD with autism, she takes her anger on the world out on me as her ‘safe person’ and it’s so tiring to be that outlet so you have my sympathies but it sounds like your daughter has a lot of access to a world she isn’t emotionally mature enough to cope with.

@Dontstepinthecowpat when I was 13 at the end of the eighties, I was borrowing piles from my nice girls’ school library and so steadily working my way through - amongst other things - all the volumes of Maya Angelou’s autobiographical work (abuse, rape, Jim Crow laws, prostitution, teen pregnancy etc) and all the Margaret Atwood’s then written (worse). It’s not normal to still successfully be fully sheltered at 13. Adolescents become curious about other places and other lives and will find all sorts of information via literature or internet or anything else at that stage of development.

Reading Maya Angelou’s auto biography is hardly the same as having access to graphic content over the internet. Unrestricted internet access can only cause problems at such a young age. Imagining someone getting assaulted in a book is hardly the same as seeing it there on a screen or reading detailed accounts about how to murder someone or get rid of the body, all of which is available online ( I’m not saying this child has witnessed this) but nothing is more than a click or two away and it’s instantly in your home and much more accessible than a library,..I would say even if you think it’s not normal (Ricki) that’s a sad state of affairs, because it’s normal around my friends kids and I think that’s a much healthier way to be at 13. I’m totally with you @Dontstepinthecowpat but yes, you are right that most MN folk don’t think the same. It’s. pITA to constantly monitor your child’s internet usage so must parents don’t bother sadly.

The moon absolutely influences behaviour - I worked in an elderly nursing setting, with several dementia patients, and their confusion and upset was always ten times worse during a full
Moon.

My god. I would tell their parents as this is really dark stuff. I would also ground her for an indefinite period of time.

You are her mother. She may not like you but she needs to respect you.

I have a friend who works for 911 dispatch. She dreads a full moon as the number of “non emergency” calls increases.

@Poorlykitten thanks for that. I needed to hear I wasn’t alone. I’m happy my DC are children and hope that I will raise successful humans even though they are sheltered in the eyes of MN. We discuss rape/consent/sexual abuse etc but I still check there phones at least weekly. I want them to come to me with their questions, not google.

I had a ridiculously strict catholic upbringing and was a wild teen in rebellion. My brother is a drug addict and my parents have turned their back leaving me to look after him so I’m trying different parenting approaches to them, so far I can’t complain.

I've decided not to talk to the other parents about it, but I will make an appointment to see the SENCO next week, and also try and get hold of the GP to see if any professional help is available. Although saying that, I definitly DO NOT want SS involved again.

For what it's worth - I never wanted my DDs to have phones at such a young age, but their 'D'F gave them phones for Christmas last year. I do keep an eye on their usage.

It's so hard for them not to have phones at secondary school. I hope things will work out better soon.

Reading Maya Angelou’s auto biography is hardly the same as having access to graphic content over the internet.

My point was that most 13 year olds will be exposed to something more adult than Harry Potter and Minecraft, however much you shelter them.

For what it's worth - I never wanted my DDs to have phones at such a young age, but their 'D'F gave them phones for Christmas last year. I do keep an eye on their usage.

I feel for you. Non cooperating co-parenting adds another layer of difficulty to everything.

But honestly, you are the parent and it’s not that tricky to say no to a mobile phone or install any of the myriad apps that give you much more control over what your child is viewing. If someone gifted my child a phone before I though he/she should have one, I would hold it back until I thought they were ready.