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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kill me and feed me to the pigs

94 replies

PuddyMuddles4 · 27/05/2021 23:22

My DD (12) is autistic (very mild) and it's NOT a good combination with puberty.

Her behaviour has been absolutely horrid lately, and for many reaons, I took her phone away permanently this morning and told her she wouldn't be allowed to see her girlfriend 'till her behaviour improves.

She came home from school and wanted her phone to message a friend going through a rough time. I said no. Then the friend wanted to commit suicide. I said no. Then suddenly the friend had tried to commit suicide. I know she was playing me. Anyway, after 30 minutes of screaming at me that I'd killed her friend, she borrowed her sister's phone and messaged in their group whatsapp. I took the phone and read the conversation.

To sum up, DD told her friends I am fucking crazy, I'm a bitch etc etc. Her friends told her I'm digging my own grave and asked DD if they could kill me and feed me to the pigs. DD said yes. It was fucking this and mf that all the way.

Now I know things are said in the heat of anger, and I know she loves me (but also passionately hates me), but something in me died today.

My question is - should I contact these girls' mothers and tell them their DDs are talking about killing a friend's mother? It's totally inappropriate behaviour as far as I'm concerned. If my girls ever EVER said that about someone else all hell would break loose.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 23:57

I think the suicidal and then attempted part is more worrying than girls talking bollocks even that nasty on s chat.

To try and coerce you using that is s real worry. I'd be wondering where she got the idea.

Does she have limitations on phone/ net as to what she can read? Is she all over Tumblr or similar?

NiceGerbil · 27/05/2021 23:58

It was said non seriously. They weren't actually going to murder you.

Unless you have reason to think they are capable of that then it's a whole different level.

Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 00:04

@NiceGerbil

I think the suicidal and then attempted part is more worrying than girls talking bollocks even that nasty on s chat.

To try and coerce you using that is s real worry. I'd be wondering where she got the idea.

Does she have limitations on phone/ net as to what she can read? Is she all over Tumblr or similar?

To add - the 'person' in question has identified as non-binary and will only be referred to as they or them. So yes, they are probably going through a rough time.

I might have given DD her phone for 10 minutes, had it not gone from a 'tough time' to attempted suicide in a matter of seconds. She was playing me and trying to manipulate me. And the only social media they're allowed is youtube and whatsapp.

The emotional/mental abuse and manipulation is something she learnt from her 'D'F I'm afraid, and because of her ASD she is unable to 'unlearn' it.

I'm so exhausted.

OP posts:
RubyFakeLips · 28/05/2021 00:13

12 year old girls are capable of dark humour (my DD is around this age) and it’s hard to know how seriously the other participants were taking it but as I said if I was one of the other mothers, I’d take one look at your DDs comments and bounce the problem back to you.

The suicide tactic is also unacceptable, but you did well in not caving in to it. It’s conflicting as I also think kids have a right to slate their parents to their friends without reproach. Previous posters are right, talk to her about how hurtful it is and how extreme you found her comments, I’m not sure if I would expect anything different in the future though. They tend to get worse as teens before they get better.

everythingbackbutyou · 28/05/2021 00:16

@NiceGerbil yes, that was my go-to image as well...May he rest in jail.

HeirloomTomato · 28/05/2021 00:17

@NiceGerbil

I think the suicidal and then attempted part is more worrying than girls talking bollocks even that nasty on s chat.

To try and coerce you using that is s real worry. I'd be wondering where she got the idea.

Does she have limitations on phone/ net as to what she can read? Is she all over Tumblr or similar?

Agreed. The manipulation and lying is more worrying. Anyone can make a dark joke in a moment of anger - although very unpleasant behavior from a 12-year old - but the lying, manipulation and fake suicide talk is very worrying. I'd be concerned about her lack of empathy and detachment from reality.
kindofcoping · 28/05/2021 00:33

I think talking to the parents will just up the drama. Some teenage girls love drama and it sounds like this is your DD and her friends. Do not feed it.

BigHeadBertha · 28/05/2021 00:35

You could tell the other mothers but I'd keep it calm and light or they might turn on you. (I know it's not logical but in my experience, sometimes people don't take criticisms of their little darlings well). Or if you really want to mortify the little brats, have a quick word with them yourself, right on the app or in person.

Good for you for not allowing your daughter to do whatever she wants, though. My guess is she's in Big Trouble already so I won't bother with any suggestions on that haha. :)

EmeraldShamrock · 28/05/2021 00:39

I don't envy you OP.
Try a different approach love bombing she is angry inside.
I think I'd let this slide and try find a way in she is very young the ASD makes her decisions harder, it sounds like she has to much freedom.
You're not alone..Flowers

mercuree · 28/05/2021 01:06

no, in the conversation it was her friends who suggested it - DD told me afterwards about googling how to dispose of a body, and that her friends were just joking as they'd been talking about it. Hmph.

DD did say to me a number of times this evening that she feels very very guilty about what was said and that she does love me.

I feel like this is one of the biggest drip feeds I've ever read on this forum. Blush

Op I was genuinely concerned for you (and your daughter!) and a bit chilled reading your initial posts. It was kinda horrifying to be honest. A pp said it read as psychotic - I was nodding along in agreement (while my jaw was still on the floor). Wondering how the hell you even begin to help a group of children who are actually discussing murdering an adult and feeding them to the swine.

So what actually seems to have happened is they'd been talking about some dark stuff (as kids do - we had a severed hand in the infant primary school toilets that would murder you in the most gruesome ways imaginable, and it only got worse as we aged) and they were effectively rallying around her saying "we should set the hand on her" as an admittedly dark form of humour. Your DD feels very guilty over the "jokes" and said she loves you, this evening.

I feel like mentioning some of that in your initial post would have been really useful.

Anyway... everything about the behaviour is obviously unacceptable and I'm really sorry you're going through it. I'm relieved to hear they were referencing an earlier joke and not actually expressing their wish for your murder. (Yes, I know the chances of them doing it was virtually nil but it was the malice behind discussing it that was shocking).

I'm not an expert on autism, so hesitant to advise on the issues because "NT" advice is probably going to be irrelevant to your daughter. But I really hope you can get some RL support in place (as well as the support you're getting here). Speaking to the teacher you suggested sounds like a great idea. Best of luck op.

NiceGerbil · 28/05/2021 01:27

'the 'person' in question'

This is your DDs GF? Why 'person'?

I find it very worrying that a 12yo is using threats of suicide etc.

Is she getting any help?

IdblowJonSnow · 28/05/2021 01:35

Oh OP. That must have been horrible to read. Sad

I definitely said similar about my mum to friends, and vice versa. The only difference was that there were no incriminating phones/internet.

I'd be very hurt too though if my DD said this.

No advice as to how to handle it but I would be very clear about how hurt you are and that this behaviour is not ok.

newtb · 28/05/2021 01:42

OP does your dd meet the criteria for PDA? Just the manipulation made me wonder.

DeedledeDee · 28/05/2021 01:52

As a mother of 2 girls with ASD I'm not surprised at all.

The police turned up after DD1 alleged I kicked her in the stomach.
She also said her brother tried to strangle her. She spat at me regularly. Growled at people in the street.
Our family were outcasts because of the behaviour.
DD2 screamed all the time ,at home,in the street.

DD1 mentioned she was frightened to a teacher as I burn candles.
They sent a social worker to check I wasn't running a witches coven.
Just a scented candle or two some nights to relax !

OwlBeThere · 28/05/2021 01:59

I think you’re taking it more literally than it’s meant. I often said things like that to my mates.

OwlBeThere · 28/05/2021 02:01

Sorry hit send too soon. ‘Said things like that to my mates because my mother was pissing me off, none of us were actually homocidal.

Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 02:05

@allmercuree - She only told me about the googling pigs and said she was sorry after I'd made the first post. I didn't intentionally dripfeed.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 02:07

@NiceGerbil

'the 'person' in question'

This is your DDs GF? Why 'person'?

I find it very worrying that a 12yo is using threats of suicide etc.

Is she getting any help?

The 'person' is the non-binary child who is talking about commiting suicide. They are good friends with DD. They are not the GF.
OP posts:
Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 02:10

Sorry if my posts are confusing - I've been suffering with very bad side effects to the Covid jab and DD has been screaming at me almost 24/7 for months now. I'm so tired.

OP posts:
Rejoiningperson · 28/05/2021 02:14

She’s 12?!

This is extreme and very nasty, you have to be calm but consequences right away. Social media is off and phone too (or you can leave the phone on but no apps - you can control this if it’s apple)

Rejoiningperson · 28/05/2021 02:16

Her friend is non binary and talking about suicide?

I would actually contact the parents as any chat about suicide has potential for harm - and be taken seriously - whether they were joking or not. I’d just calmly report it and say you don’t think there’s anything in it but that they should know. This is so that the girls can know that any alert like this is taken seriously.

Poorlykitten · 28/05/2021 02:24

Sounds to me, for starters, she has too much unrestricted access to the internet.

Italiangreyhound · 28/05/2021 02:28

PuddyMuddles4 I am sorry this sounds very tough.

I wonder if AIBU is the best place as you may get sensible answers, as you have here, but maybe not all posters here have an autistic teenager. There is a part of mumsnet for teenagers, and another for special needs.

I hope now your dd has seen how upset and angry this has made you (rightly so) that she will start to change her behaviour. Her friends sound pretty nasty.

If you need to refer to CAMHS you can self refer. All the best.

Thanks
Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 28/05/2021 04:04

@Italiangreyhound - CAMHS in our area seriously sucks. It's not even worth trying. She was referred to MASH a couple of years ago, but because she's to good at masking they basically said there are no problems and told me to do a parenting course. Again.

Funny thing is that I wasn't, and I'm not, angry. I'm just numb.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 28/05/2021 08:31

@PuddyMuddles4 Can you afford a physiotherapist depending on the area it works out €70 per session every fortnight.
If you're really lost contact SS they'll help.
It sounds like a nightmare for you. Flowers