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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed at MIL for sharing our early pregnancy news

84 replies

pearlsandpetals · 27/05/2021 16:56

Hi all, I'm currently ten weeks pregnant and we have only told close family members (parents and grandparents) because we want to wait for the 12 week scan. We asked when we shared out news that they would keep it quiet for the meantime as we wanted to make sure everything is okay and everyone promised they would do so. However in the last day or two I've had several messages on FB from people congratulating us and I am really quite annoyed. It's definitely the MIL who has spilled the beans as there is no one else we've told who is in regular contact with these people. I understand she is so excited but I am annoyed at her for not respecting our wishes. I am worried that she has told more people and that it might make its way onto Facebook. I have sent her a very polite message just asking not to mention the news to more people but I feel awful about doing that as I understand she is probably just excited. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

littlepattilou · 27/05/2021 17:02

@pearlsandpetals Of course you have a right to be annoyed. You are entitled to be annoyed about anything - that's your right.

However YABU here IMO. Why tell ANYONE you're pregnant, if you don't want anyone else to know?! You say you only told close family, (parents and grandparents,) but that was 4 people. (Or 8 if you told both sets.)

I would never tell anyone else ANYthing that I didn't want anyone else to know.

Congrats on your baby news though. Good luck!

Trinacham · 27/05/2021 17:02

No, not unreasonable- it's not her news to share, excited or not.

Ohdeariedear · 27/05/2021 17:02

Yanbu. You need to be very clear with her that you are not happy about this. You’re very disappointed as while you understand her excitement, she was told not to tell. Because she’s done this, you will think carefully before sharing stuff in future.

Think of it as parenting practice as you’ll find this phrase very useful in years to come- ‘I’m not angry, just disappointed’ 🤣

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2021 17:03

Lesson learned. She is not to be trusted. Don't share anything of importance with the gobby cow.

Trinacham · 27/05/2021 17:04

[quote littlepattilou]@pearlsandpetals Of course you have a right to be annoyed. You are entitled to be annoyed about anything - that's your right.

I would never tell anyone else ANYthing that I didn't want anyone else to know.

Congrats on your baby news though. Good luck! [/quote]
Isn't it common to tell your mum/dad/MIL/FIL first, usually earlier than everyone else though? That's what everyone around me seems to have done. I am newly pregnant and expect I'll be telling those people first, then wait for the scan for everyone else.

Blossomtoes · 27/05/2021 17:04

Life lesson - don’t tell people things if you want them to remain a secret. You shouldn’t have told her.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/05/2021 17:05

I understand why you are disappointed but it is a minor issue imo. You told mil, she was excited and told people. It's not badness in her . I would be irritated but no more than that. I agree with the pp , if you don't want people to know don't tell anyone.

Ughmaybenot · 27/05/2021 17:06

I would be pissed off with that. I wouldn’t necessarily raise it with her and have a falling out on my hands but she’d certainly be kept on a diet of very limited information from here on in.
We told my mum and DHs parents when I was about 6-7 weeks and would have been very hurt if they ignored my asking them to keep it quiet.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 27/05/2021 17:08

Not unreasonable, I'd be so annoyed in your place. I'm 8 weeks pregnant just now and have only told my work so far, but that's essential for the job I have.

I know my mum would be telling everyone too. You now need to restrict what other news you give her as you know it will be blabbed around!

BigHeadBertha · 27/05/2021 17:09

She definitely messed up.

One thing I've learned the hard way through the years though, is to stick to the direct lines whenever there's an issue. Otherwise, the mess tends to grow way more than it needs to. Therefore, in the future, I'd have your husband handle any type of confrontations with his family members while you handle those with your family members.

littlepattilou · 27/05/2021 17:10

@Trinacham

Isn't it common to tell your mum/dad/MIL/FIL first, usually earlier than everyone else though? That's what everyone around me seems to have done. I am newly pregnant and expect I'll be telling those people first, then wait for the scan for everyone else.

Nope, I disagree. As @Blossomtoes said above, don't tell ANYONE if you don't want other people you know, to know about it.

Some people, no matter how close they are to you/how well you get on; cannot keep their mouth shut. As this thread illustrates.

readingismycardio · 27/05/2021 17:11

This is one of the reasons my MIL will find out when I'm going into labor 😂😂🤣🤣

I'm sorry, OP. Hope your pregnancy goes well and smooth! ❤️ Congrats!

Doodledeedum · 27/05/2021 17:14

NBU. She shouldn't say. You want to wait and make sure everything's ok and that's well
Within your right

Crowsaregreat · 27/05/2021 17:15

Yanbu. I kept both my pregnancies secret (just me and DH) until after 12 week scan. Not all pregnancies work out, I didn't want to explain to my Catholic family if I needed to terminate due to serious abnormalities. Or if I miscarried I didn't want people to speculate about me getting pregnant again.

Sorry to sound gloomy, I'm sure you'll be fine but they're factors to think about.

ComDummings · 27/05/2021 17:15

YANBU. Don’t tell her anything, she can’t be trusted not to blab.

ChangePart1 · 27/05/2021 17:19

Absolutely YANBU. She’s lost the right to be told ANYTHING about your pregnancy and birth now until it’s public knowledge. She’d be the last to know.

I’m appalled for you. My SIL did something similar, told my other SIL about it before we had chance to even though we had plans to meet and tell her. She took that away from us and it permanently coloured how I feel about her. I can’t stand her now after what she did. She’d been expressly told not to tell anyone.

She was due to be our child’s guardian if anything happened to us: after she did that (and for other reasons but that was the catalyst) we had to inform her she was no longer going to take that role. I couldn’t trust her. She was devastated but brought it on herself.

Sssloou · 27/05/2021 17:21

How are you going to resolve this?

Does she have form for trashing boundaries?

This is really disrespectful especially that she didn’t even tell the others that she was breaking a confidence.

Get your DH to have a calm assertive word - because these types will ride roughshod over you and your baby.

Holly60 · 27/05/2021 17:28

[quote littlepattilou]@pearlsandpetals Of course you have a right to be annoyed. You are entitled to be annoyed about anything - that's your right.

I would never tell anyone else ANYthing that I didn't want anyone else to know.

Congrats on your baby news though. Good luck! [/quote]
It’s definitely normal to tell close family and friends. Especially people who you might drink with or who would notice if you felt sick or tired, or who were just…close. It’s also normal to expect those people not to tell others. Both my DC told us very early and we told no one. It wasn’t our news to tell.

TurquoiseDragon · 27/05/2021 17:29

Info diet now, if I were in your shoes. And I'd be telling her about the birth just before putting it on FB, so she doesn't have time to spoil that, too.

Hazylazy · 27/05/2021 17:29

There is a big difference between asking someone to 'keep it quiet' and asking someone not to tell anyone else until you have passed whatever public announcemeent date you had in mind.
You should have been explicit in your request, or not told anyone until you were ready for the news to be shared.
But at the end of the day, it's nice that people are interested and care enough to congratulate you.

EdgeOfACoin · 27/05/2021 17:29

[quote littlepattilou]@Trinacham

Nope, I disagree. As @Blossomtoes said above, don't tell ANYONE if you don't want other people you know, to know about it.

Some people, no matter how close they are to you/how well you get on; cannot keep their mouth shut. As this thread illustrates.[/quote]
I think it is common practice! We told both sets of parents and SIL when I was 9 weeks. Asked them to keep it quiet, and they did.

MIL was bursting to tell other people, but she respected our wishes and kept quiet until after the scan.

Unless they have given you reason to distrust them in the past, it's a reasonable expectation that your own parents will keep quiet. Now that OP's MIL has shown herself to be untrustworthy, I wouldn't let her in on similar information in future.

However, in the circumstances I think it is fair for OP to be annoyed.

ChangePart1 · 27/05/2021 17:31

@littlepattilou that’s an odd take imo! It’s very normal to share the news with a handful of close people in early pregnancy, for various reasons. That absolutely doesn’t give those people the right to share that news just because they’ve been given it. Are you really telling me you wouldn’t tell anyone information you didn’t want making public? You wouldn’t discuss relationship problems or a health scare or intimate problem with a close friend because you’d expect it to be shared more widely? What a lonely way to live.

Vodkaandballoon · 27/05/2021 17:32

I wouldn't be to hard on her. She's excited, it's been a shit year & it's lovely to have some good news to share (even if she should have kept schtum). Congratulations

JaninaDuszejko · 27/05/2021 17:36

And this is why we didn't tell MIL until we were telling everyone after 3 months. I had heard so many confidential things from her over the years and I didn't want loads of the extended 'family' that I'd never met knowing before e.g. my aunt who I see regularly. My Mum was told because I knew she was trustworthy.

billy1966 · 27/05/2021 17:57

Very rude of her.

Now you know, tell her absolutely nothing of importance.

Lots of potential grandparents are very excited but still manage to respect the privacy of their children.

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