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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at MIL for sharing our early pregnancy news

84 replies

pearlsandpetals · 27/05/2021 16:56

Hi all, I'm currently ten weeks pregnant and we have only told close family members (parents and grandparents) because we want to wait for the 12 week scan. We asked when we shared out news that they would keep it quiet for the meantime as we wanted to make sure everything is okay and everyone promised they would do so. However in the last day or two I've had several messages on FB from people congratulating us and I am really quite annoyed. It's definitely the MIL who has spilled the beans as there is no one else we've told who is in regular contact with these people. I understand she is so excited but I am annoyed at her for not respecting our wishes. I am worried that she has told more people and that it might make its way onto Facebook. I have sent her a very polite message just asking not to mention the news to more people but I feel awful about doing that as I understand she is probably just excited. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 27/05/2021 17:58

Are you really telling me you wouldn’t tell anyone information you didn’t want making public? You wouldn’t discuss relationship problems or a health scare or intimate problem with a close friend because you’d expect it to be shared more widely?

I don’t tell anyone anything I don’t want to be public knowledge. I’ve had to tell my bloke not to discuss our business with his son when I discovered he’d told his wife who told her mother who told God knows who.

The fact is that a lot of people can’t keep their mouths shut. As Benjamin Franklin observed Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Chloemol · 27/05/2021 18:07

So now you know not to tell her anything you dont want her to share

Tbh I wouldn't be telling her anything now and if she complains tell her why

Colourcones · 27/05/2021 18:13

We didnt tell anyone until after the 12 week scan including parents. It's really hard to keep an exciting secret and I didn't want to put that pressure on them. Secrets do actually slip out when people really ,really dont mean to tell .
I hate that once again its a MIL in the firing line. Some of the suggestions on here eg that's shes now the last to hear about the birth and that she will be the sort to ride rough shod over you are just vile.

Strokethefurrywall · 27/05/2021 18:14

DHs dad told all of DHs friends in the pub immediately when he was pissed.

We didn’t tell him about Ds2. I was livid more on behalf of DH who wanted to tell his friends himself (as is his right).

There are those you trust with news and then those you learn not to!

Blankspace101 · 27/05/2021 18:15

You are unreasonable about sending her a polite message. If it was me I’d be furious and she would know all about it.

newnortherner111 · 27/05/2021 18:16

Well whether it was your MIL or any other family member who failed to respect confidentiality, you are reasonable to object to this and should not feel bad about doing so.

If Facebook was a site with reasonable moderation you could complain to them about sharing of confidential information, but I doubt it would achieve anything.

CoffeeCakey · 27/05/2021 18:18

Don't tell her anything else and lie about the due date so she doesn't turn up at your house when you are due. People wait until after the 12 week scan for a reason. I wouldn't trust her with anything now

QioiioiioQ · 27/05/2021 18:19

infuriating but at least you know, she failed the 'test'... she is unable to keep her mouth shut
therefore she is no longer 'inner circle' so make sure she never has access to privileged info

Hsjdb7483939 · 27/05/2021 18:20

You should be able to trust her not to tell people even if she is excited

SnackSizeRaisin · 27/05/2021 18:31

If you specifically asked her not to tell them it's very annoying. She only had to keep quiet for a couple of weeks after all.
Most people understand that you don't spread pregnancy news until after 12 weeks.
You should tell her you are annoyed - it is good practice for when you have to be assertive after the baby is born, and also if you don't mention it it will probably bug you forever and potentially spoil the relationship. If you tell her off and she apologises you can forget about it. If she tries to justify herself at least you know what to expect in the future.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2021 18:32

I have sent her a very polite message just asking not to mention the news to more people but I feel awful about doing that as I understand she is probably just excited

Being excited is no excuse for breaking a confidence and stealing the opportunity to be the first with someone else's news. And she is old enough to know better.

You sent her a polite message, but you feel awful about it. You really have to ask yourself Why?

If you carry on in this vein, feeling awful about standing up for yourself and politely reminding people not to do something you distinctly asked them not to, then you are storing up trouble for yourself.

You have a right to be respected and to stand up for yourself. Soon you will be a mother and will need to make all kinds of decisions about the welfare of your child and you may well have to stand up to others who think you should do things differently - you don't sound like an unkind or nasty person so you shouldn't feel awful about it when you have to do so. It is your right.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 27/05/2021 18:36

I think you’ve had harsh replies. I told our in-laws on Monday. We asked them not to tell anyone until after we’d announced. I believe they’ve stuck to that... I’d be really sad if they had told anyone; and we wouldn’t be telling them anything again.

StCharlotte · 27/05/2021 18:37

Ah OP that's annoying but you've learned a lesson. You'd have loved my mum: Christmas Day 30 odd years ago my mum was musing on how tired my brother's wife would be after cooking Christmas lunch (not with us, they lived at the other end of the country, hadn't seen them for months). When I queried why she said "because of the baby" "what baby?". The baby that was born two weeks later Grin

Conversely, after trying for years, my DH lasted until about nine weeks before he told everyone. When it went wrong at 12 weeks everyone was so lovely, it actually really helped. (I never got pregnant again so at least I had a couple of weeks of "glory". Probably sounds weird but I was grateful for that.)

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 27/05/2021 18:38

Hi all,
So when I said that I told her politely, I forgot to mention that I sent her a message. I've just had a reply with no apology just a "yeah no worries" in relation to not telling anyone else. Then a complete change of subject to tell me she is going out this evening. I feel even more annoyed now!!

OP posts:
Doodledeedum · 27/05/2021 18:39

I have to say I don't agree with the 'don't tell anyone if you dont want everyone to know' narrative

I told those closest to me in case anything went wrong so I could have their support as well as their well wishes when everything was good. Unfortunately my pregnancy ended and I'm so grateful for the support of those who knew. Does this mean that it's ok for people not so close to me to then know and be told my sad news and potentially be insensitive... no. I don't think so. because only those close to us would know the details, theyd be able to be sensitive

QueenOfTheDoubleWide · 27/05/2021 18:42

She is absolutely wrong to do that. I am in the lucky position of knowing but keeping some important news quiet for one of my adult children at the moment and would not dream of breaking that trust.
Just be a bit wary in future, this may be a one-off as she is excited but you need to be sure she knows boundaries going forward

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 27/05/2021 18:45

I'd be cross and upset too
Her excitement does not top trump your request for keeping it confidential
I'd be getting my husband to be having serious words with her
How dare she steal your thunder

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 27/05/2021 18:45

I'd be a bit irritated but I don't think it's that terrible.

Pottedpalm · 27/05/2021 18:46

@Aquamarine1029

Lesson learned. She is not to be trusted. Don't share anything of importance with the gobby cow.
Aren’t you lovely..
doucey · 27/05/2021 18:46

Sorry OP but your news clearly isn't as important to her as you or she'd respect your wishes.

ForkedIt · 27/05/2021 18:49

Utter bullshit that you shouldn’t tell anyone anything in case they tell other people Hmm Confused

I’d say pregnancy is a top reason but what about a cancer scare? Or even a bloody surprise party?!

Zealois · 27/05/2021 18:50

That's a real shame. You absolutely should be able to tell parents and expect them to keep it to themselves. My mother knew about my SIL's pregnancy 10 weeks before the rest of us and didn't mention it to anyone.

SilverGoblin · 27/05/2021 18:52

The good news was not hers to share.

You have every reason to be annoyed your wishes that relate to your body and life were not respected.

Ultimately, though, it is herself she has done the most harm to as this will effect your feelings about her negatively. Even if you forgive her, it will still seep into your thoughts at times and will influence any future dealings with her. She will lose out, maybe in small ways but she will still miss things you may no longer be willing to share.

It's her tough titty. She betrayed your confidence and that is always a shitty thing to do to friends and family.

QioiioiioQ · 27/05/2021 18:56

I've just had a reply with no apology just a "yeah no worries" in relation to not telling anyone else. Then a complete change of subject to tell me she is going out this evening
she views herself of head of the family, everyone has to dance to her tune, she decides what info about you is private and what isnt.
I'd be plotting my revenge now but I'm sure you're better than me and you'll be able to draw firm boundaries and deal with her that way:)

ChangePart1 · 27/05/2021 18:56

Tbh OP, I mean this kindly, but you sound like a bit of a pushover/doormat. You went to MIL all nice and polite requesting her not to tell more people when the actual message she required was a firm telling off and deciding (privately) not to share further information with her.

And you got her dismissive text in return. No apology. Nothing.

We teach people how to treat us to an extent, and if you struggle now with believing you are worthy of boundaries it’s gonna get a whole lot harder when the baby arrives.

What’s the reason your spouse didn’t call her himself and read her the riot act?