Page 3 | Annoyed at MIL for sharing our early pregnancy news

pearlsandpetals · 2021-05-27T15:56:16+00:00

Hi all, I'm currently ten weeks pregnant and we have only told close family members (parents and grandparents) because we want to wait for the 12 week scan. We asked when we shared out news that they would keep it quiet for the meantime as we wanted to make sure everything is okay and everyone promised they would do so. However in the last day or two I've had several messages on FB from people congratulating us and I am really quite annoyed. It's definitely the MIL who has spilled the beans as there is no one else we've told who is in regular contact with these people. I understand she is so excited but I am annoyed at her for not respecting our wishes. I am worried that she has told more people and that it might make its way onto Facebook. I have sent her a very polite message just asking not to mention the news to more people but I feel awful about doing that as I understand she is probably just excited. Am I being unreasonable?

BlackGoldSun · 27/05/2021 19:01

My mum spilled the beans on my sister's pregnancy news to an aunt, it really pissed off my sister.
My dad can be trusted with a secret but it's possibly not fair to put him in the position of knowing something like that when my mum doesn't.

I have friends who have told me confidential information about others that they shouldn't have told me.
I have learned that I need to weigh up how much it matters to me that something is not told to others, and if it's really important then I need to be the gatekeeper of my own information.

jagoda · 27/05/2021 19:11

Well now you know never to tell her anything personal ever again.

I would give her a due date two weeks later than the real one and just chalk this up to experience/learning who you can and cannot trust.

QioiioiioQ · 27/05/2021 19:12

feed her false info and see where it ends up

ShirleyPhallus · 27/05/2021 19:17

I think it’s kinda bullshit to feel like you shouldn’t tell anyone a secret on the basis people are blabbermouths and will tell others your news. You should be able to trust people with stuff like this, especially close family

crosstalk · 27/05/2021 19:18

Why not just tell everyone after the scan? Of course, first messages can still be to close family. I don't see the logic of telling some before the scan if it's done for fear something might be wrong.

blubberyboo · 27/05/2021 19:20

If waiting til the scan is so important to you then you shouldn’t really have told anyone. After all it will be the GPS that would be most upset about a foetal problem than random strangers and colleagues.

Also you don’t really have any defo proof it was her or that she actually said anything. Often other people clue into what’s going on by behaviour, looking at baby things, or a suspicion confirmed by a coy smile etc

elliejjtiny · 27/05/2021 19:21

I'm so sorry OP. One of my close family members tells people my secrets and that's why I don't tell her anything anymore.

ChangePart1 · 27/05/2021 19:21

@ShirleyPhallus

I think it’s kinda bullshit to feel like you shouldn’t tell anyone a secret on the basis people are blabbermouths and will tell others your news. You should be able to trust people with stuff like this, especially close family

Absolutely. I hope OP learns from this that MIL isn’t to be trusted and continues to feel able to share with the people she can trust.

I have people in my life I trust 100% wouldn’t breathe a word of something I told them in confidence to anyone else if I made it clear it was just between us. It’s really sad that some posters don’t have anyone like that and feel like they therefore can’t talk about private things unless they’re willing for the info to be passed around 😕

JhsLs · 27/05/2021 19:25

YANBU. At my 12 week scan in my first pregnancy, we found out we’d had a missed miscarriage. We hadn’t told anyone but having to cope with that plus telling people would have made it 100 times worse. The fact these people are also congratulating you also shows she isn't even telling them to keep it quiet! Totally out of order.

youshallnotpass9 · 27/05/2021 19:31

While its too late for this time if there is a next time you not to do it, I learnt from my sister, she told my mum at 6 weeks, I found out half an hour later, so when I got pregnant, I didn't tell anyone till after the 12 week scan and might have told my sister before my mum

CutieBear · 27/05/2021 19:40

Please don’t tell her when you’re in labour! You can ring her when the baby is born. This is your news to share. Not hers.

godmum56 · 27/05/2021 19:42

definitely Yanbu anyway but double Yanbu for that casual response. I'd be leaving it now for your partner to deal with but what else will she blab in future given the chance?

user1497787065 · 27/05/2021 19:45

The only way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone.

billy1966 · 27/05/2021 19:47

"Yea no woories".....she would be last to hear of the birth

She doesn't respect you, that is clear.

Firm up your boundaries and NEVER tell her anything again.

BelleBlueBell · 27/05/2021 19:53

@Vodkaandballoon

I wouldn't be to hard on her. She's excited, it's been a shit year & it's lovely to have some good news to share (even if she should have kept schtum). Congratulations

I'm going to guess you don't understand keeping a secret

Imo this is not an issue with any shades of grey, someone asks to keep a secret you keep it not make up silly justifications to go against an express wish.

Congratulations OP, good that you've learned early on that you can't trusty her. Keep things private from now on

Sleeplessem · 27/05/2021 20:28

OP, I’d be livid. It’s the fact that you explicitly made all the people you trusted promise to not say and she ignored you and told people anyway, most likely so she can be the centre of attention.

I’d definitely get your partner to emphasise how upset you both are and moving forward I wouldn’t be telling her anything especially baby related!

Vodkaandballoon · 27/05/2021 20:41

I'm going to guess you don't understand keeping a secret?

@BelleBlueBell
You can guess whatever you like love. I just think everyone so so annoyed, livid fuming about shit that won't really matter in 6mths time.

99victoria · 27/05/2021 20:58

I've never really understood this desire to keep the pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks. If you miscarried at 11 weeks, would you just pretend that nothing had happened or would you want your friends/family to be understanding and supportive? Why do people wait?

Tbh it's not something I ever had a choice in since I was usually puking my guts up at 6 weeks and signed off work. I was in hospital with a drip in my arm at 7 weeks pregnant with my daughter. No hope of keeping my pregnancies quiet!

Trinacham · 27/05/2021 21:29

[quote littlepattilou]@Trinacham

Isn't it common to tell your mum/dad/MIL/FIL first, usually earlier than everyone else though? That's what everyone around me seems to have done. I am newly pregnant and expect I'll be telling those people first, then wait for the scan for everyone else.

Nope, I disagree. As @Blossomtoes said above, don't tell ANYONE if you don't want other people you know, to know about it.

Some people, no matter how close they are to you/how well you get on; cannot keep their mouth shut. As this thread illustrates.[/quote]
I guess it does depend on the person then. I know my mother well enough to know she wouldn't tell a soul.

Iloveacurry · 27/05/2021 21:33

It’s not really her news to share is it? You’re not being unreasonable.

phoenixrosehere · 27/05/2021 21:52

I've never really understood this desire to keep the pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks. If you miscarried at 11 weeks, would you just pretend that nothing had happened or would you want your friends/family to be understanding and supportive? Why do people wait?

Because people deal with things differently. If I were to miscarry, I would rather deal with it on my own because I’m a private person and feel it is no one’s business other than my husband’s to know about it. My husband and I only told his family because he wanted to tell them after his sister announced her pregnancy with her second and I only told my parents because he told his and I was maybe 17 weeks and wanted to wait til after the anomaly scan. Wish we had waited longer tbh because something came up and had to get a second opinion which supposedly wasn’t the done thing and made me see my in-laws differently (my parents fully supported the decision). With our second, we waited until 22 weeks and when they asked why we didn’t tell them, we told them because of what happened the first time. If it were up to me I wouldn’t have said anything and just simply showed up pregnant. We live 400+ miles away from them but visit several times a year so they would have seen us before any baby was born.

TillyTopper · 27/05/2021 21:55

So this is a valuable lesson learnt for you. Don't tell her or family anything that you don't want shouted out or put on social media. It's easy and makes for far less drama when you don't say anything you don't want shared.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 27/05/2021 22:22

I've never really understood this desire to keep the pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks. If you miscarried at 11 weeks, would you just pretend that nothing had happened or would you want your friends/family to be understanding and supportive?

I wouldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened, of course not; but no, I wouldn’t want friends or family support. I’d want to grieve on my own, with DH. I’m really private when I’m in pain, or vulnerable, or upset.

My parents died when I was young and I have no family, which may have shaped that independence in me. My preference would have been to keep it secret for as long as possible, ideally past 20 weeks, but my DH is an only child and was so excited to tell his parents, and I didn’t feel that my wish for privacy overrode his wish to share... so we agreed that they could know, but we’d ask them not to say anything until we chose to announce. I know that runs the risk of them telling people; and we’re agreed that they won’t be told anything else or about any future pregnancies if they do, but so far they’ve been great and don’t seem to have told anyone.

I absolutely support people telling anyone they like as early as they like, and that miscarriage and pregnancy issues should be a normal topic of conversation; but for me, if something was to go wrong, I’d want to withdraw and deal with it alone. If other people knew; I’d end up checking in on them and making sure they were okay, rather than grieving.

OhGodNotThisAgain · 27/05/2021 22:28

Why did you tell mil if you know she’s got a big mouth?

Ozanj · 27/05/2021 22:29

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I've never really understood this desire to keep the pregnancy a secret until 12 weeks. If you miscarried at 11 weeks, would you just pretend that nothing had happened or would you want your friends/family to be understanding and supportive?

I wouldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened, of course not; but no, I wouldn’t want friends or family support. I’d want to grieve on my own, with DH. I’m really private when I’m in pain, or vulnerable, or upset.

My parents died when I was young and I have no family, which may have shaped that independence in me. My preference would have been to keep it secret for as long as possible, ideally past 20 weeks, but my DH is an only child and was so excited to tell his parents, and I didn’t feel that my wish for privacy overrode his wish to share... so we agreed that they could know, but we’d ask them not to say anything until we chose to announce. I know that runs the risk of them telling people; and we’re agreed that they won’t be told anything else or about any future pregnancies if they do, but so far they’ve been great and don’t seem to have told anyone.

I absolutely support people telling anyone they like as early as they like, and that miscarriage and pregnancy issues should be a normal topic of conversation; but for me, if something was to go wrong, I’d want to withdraw and deal with it alone. If other people knew; I’d end up checking in on them and making sure they were okay, rather than grieving.

People don’t realise that a ‘miscarriage’ at 12-14 weeks often looks more like a baby than you realise. And you often have to give ‘birth’ to it too - it’s not some kind of painless heavy period it might be if the baby stopped growing at 6-8 weeks. So women should be able to talk about that, get support, and comfort. This ‘stiff upper lip’ culture we have for early miscarriages is so damaging to women. Even the NHS doesn’t do anything to help women until they go through that 3 times in a row.