To not invite DD's cousin to her birthday party?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Tried posting this just now but it seems to have failed!

DD is 9 during half term and on the bank holiday we are having a garden party for her with a bouncy castle and “magician” animal act. There’s only 3 kids from school coming just in case we have to take the party indoors (though weather is looking promising). I’ve said if it’s sunny then parents and siblings can come along and I’ll do a BBQ.

ExH (who lives 120 miles away and has them EOW) is coming down for the party before taking the kids back to his for a few days. He’s messaged today to say his brother and 11yo niece are also coming down for the party.

I want to say no.

Reasons being:

1. both his brother and his niece are the rudest people I’ve ever met in my life. His brother will have no problem swearing, make racist and sexist jokes and will expect to smoke in my garden or in front of my house. I potentially have DD’s friends parents there and don’t want to be the talk of the playground. Even though ex’s niece is just 11 she is really bad mannered, very sneery and the type who always says things like “This is boring, at MY party we had 2 magicians, this is rubbish” and doesn’t care who hears. I can just see her saying something like “That’s not a good parrot it’s rubbish, I had a parrot that was WAY smarter than that parrot”. You know the type of child! For some reason DD thinks she’s the best thing ever and I can tell when they’ve been together as she copies her behaviour

2. The niece can be quite nasty to DD. One example: they used to play Roblox together on a weekend over FaceTime and I had to put a stop to it as I kept hearing 11yo calling DD an idiot or saying “Why are you so dumb” if DD wasn’t doing the ‘right’ thing in the game. When I popped up and asked her not to say that to DD she’d say things like “Ill do whatever I want, you’re not my mum”

3. I’m really pushing my personal boundaries allowing exH in my house. it’s a house he never lived in and I very much have kept him away because after 12 years of being controlled (to the point nothing in our marital home was to my taste, it was all his) I like my space for me without him giving me his opinions or criticism. To be allowing his horrible family into my house is a step too far. One of the best things about our divorce was shirking off his family. I don’t want misogynistic BIL - who had very strong opinions of what a bitch I apparently was when we divorced last year (after exH cheated on me with a girl literally Half his age) because I didn’t blame myself for not being a good enough wife and immediately take exH back - in the same town as me let alone the same garden.

4. I’ve paid for the party myself including food (tight-fisted exH refused to chip in) and I don’t want the extra faff/expense of getting more food, party bags etc for people I don’t even like.

If I asked DD what she wants, she would 100% want her cousin there. She has actually asked recently if she can make the trip and I’ve said no (but never actually asked). But this child will completely change the dynamic of an otherwise lovely group of friends, and it will spoil my day too having to put up with two pricks (ex and his brother) instead of just tolerating one I kind of have to tolerate because we share children.

Surely COVID is a great excuse to use to say no (though I’d love to say “Tell your brother no he can’t come because he’s a vile prick”)?

Oh and exH didn't even ask if this was ok, the message was very much "they are coming with me" you don't just invite other people to someone else's house!

Uninvite exH. If he wants a party he pays for it

I think you're going to have to do "no, that's not going to work" like a broken record.

No point in trying to explain or justify.

Your DD would want her cousin there, it's your DDs bday so I would allow it.

Just tell him no. It's entirely up to you who you have in your home and it's pretty rude of exH to tell you they're coming instead of asking if it's okay. They're sound like awful people!

@Ozanj I would love to but the kids are excited to have their dad there and I've already said yes (probably against my better judgment).

@theweebabydonkey she may want her there but I think it will be too detrimental for me and other people there having to put up with the inevitable hostility/rudeness. I don't often take this approach but what DD doesn't know won't harm her!

You need to find a way to say no. Its the first time you have invited him there and he has automatically invited others like he lives there. I would either say the above. Or no I don't want your brother here as he doesn't like me. Or say by neice being there she will not know other kids, be bored or want daughters whole attention away from her friends. Best to keep it when her has her and they then meet. Or if you feel you have to say yes, put it on him for them to behave, say the neice is be nice and polite else will have to leave. That his brother is not to swear, say anything inappropriate as they both need to respect these are your daughters friends/parents of and you don't want her talked about because of them. And if they can't be respectful you will tell them to leave and come back when party done.

Well there’s a lot of emotion in your post, so I think it’s best if you just say no and speak to your ex. Make an excuse why, because it you don’t it’s really going to ruin the day for you.

Keep it simple so he can't attempt to "solve" any issues:

ExH you're more than welcome but we don't have room for ExBIL or niece. They'll have to see DD another time.

No more. No sorry. No explanation why. JUST NO.

Good luck

You don't need to justify to him why they're not welcome. Just say no.

Tell ex dh no, that’s not going to be ok and be firm about it.
Any argument and he’s uninvited too. He can pick up dd when the parties over.
It’s your house. It’s your space and your plans are being dictated by him, no no and again no.
Dd will see her cousin another time.

If your ex wants his brother and niece to go to a party for your DD then he needs to organise a party in his contact time, simple and your DD will get to have fun time with her cousin.
He is still trying to control you by expecting you to do the wife work even when you aren’t together. Even if his brother and niece were delightful you don’t have to have them at the party just cause your ex says so.
Start strengthening your boundaries and I wouldn’t give your DD the choice.

[quote FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]@Ozanj I would love to but the kids are excited to have their dad there and I've already said yes (probably against my better judgment).

@theweebabydonkey she may want her there but I think it will be too detrimental for me and other people there having to put up with the inevitable hostility/rudeness. I don't often take this approach but what DD doesn't know won't harm her![/quote]
What are the chances of her not knowing though?

I’d put money on your ex telling her you’ve not allowed her cousin to come.

I'd tell ex he needs to uninvite his bro and niece. Tell him you've reached your limit numbers wise and he can host them when he has DD over the subsequent days.
Remind him he's lucky he himself is even allowed to the party so he needs to show a bit of courtesy and follow your wishes on this.

I would tell him "they aren't coming because i don't want them there!" I wouldn't even bother with the effort of making up an excuse. If he asks why tell him exactly what you have said on here.
Your house your rules and if he doesn't like it too bad

Ex can do his own party for DC. Id uninvite him and wouldn't invite again.

Definitely tell your exh they are not invited and cannot come! Sounds like you have gone to a lot of effort, why should they spoil it for you?

And in future, don't make your kids' parties on the same day as your ex picks them up! Good luck!

Hi Ex, I'm afraid that's a no this time. I'm managing the numbers carefully in case of bad weather, but apart from that DN is quite unkind to DD and I am not going to have her party spoiled.. No room for another adult and child.

The it's up to you whether you leave a door open and say something like maybe meeting up with them another day.

Yanbu. You are hosting/organising/paying for the party. You certainly don't need to be minding anyone else's manners, least of all someone you can't tolerate yourself. Just remember it is your house. Your ex has no control over the situation and you not agreeing to extra uninvited guests should be respected. If using covid makes it easier for you then use it. If ex doesn't like your decision you could gently(or not!) Remind him that you are paying/hosting/organising it and he is more than welcome to have another party in his where he gets to choose the guests.

Hell no.
He is an ex for a reason and his family are not your responsibility. You haven't invited them and you don't want them round. I wouldn't either by the sounds of it.

Your DD can celebrate her bday with her father and father's family on HIS time and expense. Not yours.

'You, your brother and niece are not invited to the party. It does not work for me. Collect the DC at xx time'.

Text back they aren't invited and are not to come. You don't need to give a reason, it's your house not ex-h.

Yes I agree with other posters. A clear message

I can’t host ex bil and DN on her birthday. I have deliberately organised her party so that I can manage indoors or outdoors so extra people just cannot be accommodated at all. Don’t embarrass me or upset dd by bringing them along as I will have no choice to turn them away.
If you want to do something with yourself dd dbil and dn on a different day that would be lovely.

No way! I'd just say something along the lines of, "I'm organising and have budgeted for this party for her friends and family here. I assumed you'd be doing your own party for her family on your side. You don't get to invite other people to a party I'm organising and paying for." Failing that, tell him to get to fuck.

My worry would be that ex will tell DD you wouldn’t let her cousin come. But saying that, I wouldn’t want her and BIL there either. Would they likely just turn up anyway though even if you did say no?

No way would I want them there! DH can’t just invite who he wants to your house; if he wants to pay for and select guests for a party, he can...in his own house.

What’s the chances of them turning up anyway and your daughter seeing DH’s brother/daughter at the door excitedly saying, ‘surprise!’? You can’t let that happen and might need to spell out to your DH what will happen if they just turn up.