To not invite DD's cousin to her birthday party?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Tried posting this just now but it seems to have failed!

DD is 9 during half term and on the bank holiday we are having a garden party for her with a bouncy castle and “magician” animal act. There’s only 3 kids from school coming just in case we have to take the party indoors (though weather is looking promising). I’ve said if it’s sunny then parents and siblings can come along and I’ll do a BBQ.

ExH (who lives 120 miles away and has them EOW) is coming down for the party before taking the kids back to his for a few days. He’s messaged today to say his brother and 11yo niece are also coming down for the party.

I want to say no.

Reasons being:

1. both his brother and his niece are the rudest people I’ve ever met in my life. His brother will have no problem swearing, make racist and sexist jokes and will expect to smoke in my garden or in front of my house. I potentially have DD’s friends parents there and don’t want to be the talk of the playground. Even though ex’s niece is just 11 she is really bad mannered, very sneery and the type who always says things like “This is boring, at MY party we had 2 magicians, this is rubbish” and doesn’t care who hears. I can just see her saying something like “That’s not a good parrot it’s rubbish, I had a parrot that was WAY smarter than that parrot”. You know the type of child! For some reason DD thinks she’s the best thing ever and I can tell when they’ve been together as she copies her behaviour

2. The niece can be quite nasty to DD. One example: they used to play Roblox together on a weekend over FaceTime and I had to put a stop to it as I kept hearing 11yo calling DD an idiot or saying “Why are you so dumb” if DD wasn’t doing the ‘right’ thing in the game. When I popped up and asked her not to say that to DD she’d say things like “Ill do whatever I want, you’re not my mum”

3. I’m really pushing my personal boundaries allowing exH in my house. it’s a house he never lived in and I very much have kept him away because after 12 years of being controlled (to the point nothing in our marital home was to my taste, it was all his) I like my space for me without him giving me his opinions or criticism. To be allowing his horrible family into my house is a step too far. One of the best things about our divorce was shirking off his family. I don’t want misogynistic BIL - who had very strong opinions of what a bitch I apparently was when we divorced last year (after exH cheated on me with a girl literally Half his age) because I didn’t blame myself for not being a good enough wife and immediately take exH back - in the same town as me let alone the same garden.

4. I’ve paid for the party myself including food (tight-fisted exH refused to chip in) and I don’t want the extra faff/expense of getting more food, party bags etc for people I don’t even like.

If I asked DD what she wants, she would 100% want her cousin there. She has actually asked recently if she can make the trip and I’ve said no (but never actually asked). But this child will completely change the dynamic of an otherwise lovely group of friends, and it will spoil my day too having to put up with two pricks (ex and his brother) instead of just tolerating one I kind of have to tolerate because we share children.

Surely COVID is a great excuse to use to say no (though I’d love to say “Tell your brother no he can’t come because he’s a vile prick”)?

If it seems too difficult to be absolutely clear here, if you are tempted to think ok just this once etc, please remember that he will keep pushing your boundaries.

It is honestly easier to stop him at the first one, even though that might seem counter intuitive.

Agree with PP say if he turns up with others in toe they will need to stay outside in the car. If they turn up anyway, just announce that that is the end of the party and send everyone home.

Give your friends a heads up that there might need to be some change of plans. They will absolutely support you.

All the best.

I would change the date or time. Otherwise they will just turn up anyway and count on you not making a fuss. This is all a power play by your ex. Outsmart him.

Tell him the wrong time for the party. Have it two hours earlier so that the other guests are leaving as they arrive. That way your dd gets to have her bratty cousin over on her birthday but it won't spoil her fun with her other friends.

If you think your ex. won't accept a straight ''no they can't come'' you should lay it on the line why they are NOT WELCOME - i.e. you thoroughly dislike and are revolted by his brother's racist and rude etc, behaviour which will be embarrassing etc. in front of other parents and DN is badly behaved so you don't want her either. Tell him he himself is only 'allowed' to attend this event at your property paid for by you because he is your child's father. You do not want it spoilt for you because his relatives push themselves in. Children's parties are not for grown men (except fathers).

Wow, he is still trying to have some power over you
Now is the time to assert yourself. Say no extra guests under any circumstances and be prepered to turn them away at the door if necessary
I'd rather have one big flare up with him than years of him trying to dictate to me what I can do in my own home

Tell him they are not invited. If he pushes it, tell him what you have told us and then uninvite him. If he wants DD to have a party with his family he can throw it himself in his garden.

@SpeedRunParent

Tell him the wrong time for the party. Have it two hours earlier so that the other guests are leaving as they arrive. That way your dd gets to have her bratty cousin over on her birthday but it won't spoil her fun with her other friends.

This is a great plan.

OP do you have a nice big male friend, who you could have on standby in case you tell your Ex that his brother and niece aren't welcome, and they turn up anyway? I'm a bit concerned that you might buckle and give in, particularly if it took you a lot of strength to get rid of your Ex in the first place.

Yanbu. But he is definitely going to turn up with them so prob worth amending the date if you can and tell him.its canceeled amd he can do something seperate with her if he wants to organise it.

His brother isn't your family anymore. You don't need to try to be nice.

Let him know before the party that there will be no smoking allowed anywhere around your house. And if there is any rude or offensive behaviour you will ask them to leave.

I would uninvite exH from the party altogether. Otherwise he will probably turn up regardless with exBIL.

No, your brother and niece aren't welcome here.

That's all you need to say.

You are doing yourself NO favours pushing your own boundaries.

Not good.

Don't allow him into your home.

As for his scummy brother, definitely not

Don't hesitate to call the police if you feel intimidated.

Gosh some of these comments, this is her daughters father, she can’t penalise the child by doing ridiculous things like changing the date of the party or texting the brother in law to tell him he’s horrible and nothing to her.

She just needs to tell her ex no, it doesn’t work. She doesn’t need to screw her child over in the process.

Hi all

Thanks for your comments these have made me feel loads better!

I texted Ex earlier and said firmly "That's not suitable they will have to stay in [his town name] and visit her when she's at yours if they want to see her"

I haven't had a reply. I don't want to uninvite him, as the kids expect him to be there - I have NEVER done the whole joint "be at the same place for the kids' sake nonsense" until this party but we have been getting on loads better lately and I thought I can tolerate him seeing as he's coming down to pick them up anyway.

I will be firm and if he pushes it I WILL rescind the invitation. My back gate has a padlock so I'll just ask people to come a bit earlier then lock it.

If he tells DD that I stopped her cousin from coming I'll say I'm only trying to abide by the rules and didn't want her to come to only have to turn round.

I'm annoyed at myself now for mistaking (after a long few years of animosity) his suddenly amiable nature for someone/something I can trust 🙄

Well done for saying no. Even if he’s pissy about it it will be better than feeling agitated about having unwanted guests on the day!

Sure, just say no. It’s your house.

Well done OP

Well done, you were clear and firm but didn’t leave any blood on the table.

NO way in hell are they coming. It's unfortunate for DNiece that she's been brought up badly but don't let that ruin DD's birthday party. If you're going to have extra people it'll be DD's actual friends not an older, unpleasant cousin.

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop Good for you, well done!

I second a PP's advice though - could you let a couple of the other parents who will be at the party know about the possibility of the BIL and niece turning up, uninvited, and ask for some back up/ support in turning them away, should it be needed? I'm sure you could do it alone, but it may send them away more quickly if they haven't only got you (who will be busy entertaining) to persuade to let them in.

If you haven't had a reply from your EXH by the morning of the party, I would text him again, something along the lines of "Since you haven't responded to my previous message, I am just confirming that I have agreed that you can attend DD's party, but the invitation does NOT extend to anyone else. If your brother and/or niece (or anyone else) come to my house, they will be turned away at the door."

I hope your DD has a fabulous birthday and that the party is a huge success!

I mean, he’s used to riding roughshod over your wishes so he’ll blatantly bring them anyway. I’d be preparing to just shut the door in all their faces to be honest.

Did he reply to your text, @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

There's been a development...I'm really annoyed that I entertained the idea of letting exH in my house, I've never ever approached our split in a "let's do things jointly" way and I realised (thanks to wonderful people of MN) that I am setting a terrible example to my kids by letting them watch their dad ride roughshod over my boundaries. Especially my DD, who is old enough to remember the way he treated me and now it's a case of damage limitation.

Anyway, I called exMIL this morning (we are still close, she took my side on the split and she's the only person I ever liked and still do now in his family). I didn't slag exBIL and his DD off as I don't think she'd appreciate that but I said I regret allowing exH to come to the house. She went through a really similar split (controlling cheating husband trying to impress on her for years after!) when her kids were young too so understands. I asked for her advice/help.

So lovely lovely exMIL has organised a party at her house, the day after the party at mine! She said to exH that this can be 'their' family party and has asked if he can stay with her and help set up and ill drive the kids up to his after the party at my house. That way, the 11yo can be part of a party. And I am fine with driving - I'd much rather that than have any of them at mine!

So exH will be happy as he will think he's got one over on me by having a party I'm excluded from, but really I'm rejoicing

Result!