To not invite DD's cousin to her birthday party?

[FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop]

Tried posting this just now but it seems to have failed!

DD is 9 during half term and on the bank holiday we are having a garden party for her with a bouncy castle and “magician” animal act. There’s only 3 kids from school coming just in case we have to take the party indoors (though weather is looking promising). I’ve said if it’s sunny then parents and siblings can come along and I’ll do a BBQ.

ExH (who lives 120 miles away and has them EOW) is coming down for the party before taking the kids back to his for a few days. He’s messaged today to say his brother and 11yo niece are also coming down for the party.

I want to say no.

Reasons being:

1. both his brother and his niece are the rudest people I’ve ever met in my life. His brother will have no problem swearing, make racist and sexist jokes and will expect to smoke in my garden or in front of my house. I potentially have DD’s friends parents there and don’t want to be the talk of the playground. Even though ex’s niece is just 11 she is really bad mannered, very sneery and the type who always says things like “This is boring, at MY party we had 2 magicians, this is rubbish” and doesn’t care who hears. I can just see her saying something like “That’s not a good parrot it’s rubbish, I had a parrot that was WAY smarter than that parrot”. You know the type of child! For some reason DD thinks she’s the best thing ever and I can tell when they’ve been together as she copies her behaviour

2. The niece can be quite nasty to DD. One example: they used to play Roblox together on a weekend over FaceTime and I had to put a stop to it as I kept hearing 11yo calling DD an idiot or saying “Why are you so dumb” if DD wasn’t doing the ‘right’ thing in the game. When I popped up and asked her not to say that to DD she’d say things like “Ill do whatever I want, you’re not my mum”

3. I’m really pushing my personal boundaries allowing exH in my house. it’s a house he never lived in and I very much have kept him away because after 12 years of being controlled (to the point nothing in our marital home was to my taste, it was all his) I like my space for me without him giving me his opinions or criticism. To be allowing his horrible family into my house is a step too far. One of the best things about our divorce was shirking off his family. I don’t want misogynistic BIL - who had very strong opinions of what a bitch I apparently was when we divorced last year (after exH cheated on me with a girl literally Half his age) because I didn’t blame myself for not being a good enough wife and immediately take exH back - in the same town as me let alone the same garden.

4. I’ve paid for the party myself including food (tight-fisted exH refused to chip in) and I don’t want the extra faff/expense of getting more food, party bags etc for people I don’t even like.

If I asked DD what she wants, she would 100% want her cousin there. She has actually asked recently if she can make the trip and I’ve said no (but never actually asked). But this child will completely change the dynamic of an otherwise lovely group of friends, and it will spoil my day too having to put up with two pricks (ex and his brother) instead of just tolerating one I kind of have to tolerate because we share children.

Surely COVID is a great excuse to use to say no (though I’d love to say “Tell your brother no he can’t come because he’s a vile prick”)?

Just say no - when I divorced you, I divorced your horrible family.
They are not welcome in my house.
If you think he might turn up anyway, forward the same message to his brother. You don't have to be polite, they're nothing to you.

Nope, no way, never.

Tell him they are not invited and then bring the time of the party forward so they arrive as the guests are leaving.

You shouod never have invited ex in the first place, but what's done is done and I agree, definitely do not let him bring BIL as niece.

Be very clear and blunt, you don't need to give any excuses. Tell him if they turn up they won't be allowed in.

Why did you invite ex, were dc asking you to?

How come your dd is so desperate for the niece to come?

Tell him they cannot come and he should organise a party for his dd and his family if he wants, while he has the dc. Don't give in. He has no right to invite anyone to your home. If they turn up regardless I'd still just tell them you have a limit because of covid so they cannot come in. Point out that you had told your ex not to bring them. Then it's on him for being an absolute cunt.

You really need to set better boundaries. Just because your kids want ex at your house does not mean you have to give in to them. They have their time with him at his house and that's where it should stay.

No way would I feel comfortable with any of them coming in your position. Can't your ex host his own family party over the weekend at his own house?

If my dd was desperate for her cousin to come

I’d say... drop the niece but you and bil can take yourself off for the party, as I’m not having parents around.

If was the mother of one of the other attendees and I turned up and two men like as you describe your ex and bil were there... I’d be seriously thinking of an excuse why either I could stay or I leave with my daughter

They’ll just turn up anyway and either not expect you to cause a scene or not card if there is one.

Can you shift timings so you’d ex unknowingly arrives 30mins before the end instead? That way if they do come they won’t be there long?

Your ex is still trying to control you, he expects you to just say ok and then him and his awful brother will just expect to sit back while you host them.

Say no, you haven't invited them. The whole idea of a split is that you can make your own decisions.

YANBU how dare he invite anyone into your home?
You gave a little inviting him in, and this is his reaction, to totally overstep normal decent behaviour.
That’s not saying you did wrong or caused this. People can change and you gave him the chance to show that he has changed for the better, it sounds like he has a way to go.

What will you do if he ignores you and turns up with them anyway?

@Spaghettio

Keep it simple so he can't attempt to "solve" any issues:

ExH you're more than welcome but we don't have room for ExBIL or niece. They'll have to see DD another time.

No more. No sorry. No explanation why. JUST NO.

Good luck

This.

The cheek of him.

OP,

I think you have made a huge error in inviting your Ex.

If they are all that rough and uncouth, they may just turn up anyway.

Why would you draw that on you and why would you allow him into your home unnecessarily.

I think withdraw the invitation if there is the slightest chance that he will just turn up or change the party time.

If ex does say you wouldn't invite them dd is old enough to understand about restricted numbers at gatherings. Do not give in and do not let him take control

You are doing your dd no favours by letting her bully your dd and teach her bad behaviour never mind seeing you roll over for two disgusting men.

Tell them party date has had to change and then go radio silence when they ask when it is.

Or, just tell them no..

I think you need to say no, whay let him control you again when you've made the break?

Agree with PPs. This is a no. Say you have had to change party timings and give him another pick up time that's well after the end of the party. If DD is upset tell her she will have quality time with the cousin for a 120 mile drive and presumably while she's at her DF's as well.

It's your home. You get to call the shots on who enters.

If you don’t just want to say no say you already have 30 and can’t accommodate any more.
If you end up having much less just say loads have cancelled.

So if he had the party, presumably he’d welcome your family to the party even though they were not invited and you knew he disliked them? No. I thought not.

I’m really pushing my personal boundaries allowing exH in my house

And he is pushing back, treating it as if it were his house too. You don't invite people unless it is your own home.

For this alone, it's a no from me. No excuses, simple dirty that won't work for me.

Say to your ex, it's your home, you've paid for and organised the party for your friends and their children so the pair of them can go off elsewhere and leave the niece but if she starts being mean you won't hesitate to put a stop to it.
If ex wants to see his children then he has to come alone but you will not tolerate BIL anywhere near you after the things he has said.
Are you close enough with the other children's parents to warn them that the three of them might turn up uninvited, tell them how vile BIL can be. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable or embarrassed for others' behaviour.

Good Luck!

Whichever of the above you choose (and I'm all for a no, not invited approach with no explanation) I would tell your daughter that he's asked and you've had to say no cos of covid numbers (everyone else blames covid!) but that hopefully her dad will arrange for her to see her cousin next time she goes to his. Don't get into a big discussion - she's only 9 and it's your decision. I hope she has a great time.

This is basically ruining your lovely party for your DD and that is not acceptable.
If they are pushy and rude you have to tell them straight. No.
I agree with others that its not a bad idea to just change the date or at least the time in case they ignore you and turn up anyway.
Don't let them blackmail you by saying its what DD wants either.
DD has plenty of opportunities to see her cousin when she's with her dad and why can't he organise a party for her too.
If you don't want your Ex in your house poking around and showing his brother how much you're able to spend on a party - you must push back.

Ex, you’re there to pick her up, not bring your rude brother and niece

If you turn up with them, be prepared to wait in the car until the party is over and I’ll send dc out then.

I’m only tolerating you because of the dc, I’m drawing a line at putting up with any more of your lot.

And tell the dd what’s happening and why.

Head him off at the pass