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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I do more? DH doing everything

126 replies

peanutbutterporridge · 27/05/2021 15:57

I feel guilty I don't do enough around the house. We have a 7 month old and I'm loving life. I used to get stressed about an untidy house, but my expectations are far lower now! In 7 months I've cooked, put a wash on, been shopping a handful of times. My husband does everything. Bakes bread, makes hummus, makes my lunch, dinner, cleans, does the washing, groceries, and works full time. I have tried to do a bit more recently, but I seem to have become lazy! The baby isn't even that demanding. I could probably do more. I'm just really enjoying time with my baby and going for walks. He says he can cope with it all, but I'm worried he's going to resent me!

If this was the other way around I know what the answer would be!

OP posts:

JaninaDuszejko · 27/05/2021 21:15

Are you married to Kevin from Motherland?!

Kevin from Motherland is in my team and takes the piss more than any mother would dare to (yes, I have told him to sort it).

JustGiveMeGin · 27/05/2021 21:19

@peanutbutterporridge nope, definitely not a super mum. Just did the stuff that needed doing to keep things nice for the kids...

Babbly · 27/05/2021 21:19

Anyone who thinks OP is lying should meet my DH - he's the same. He compulsively needs to be doing something ALL THE TIME. There's not a minute of the day where he's not working or cooking or cleaning or sorting or fixing... it's exhausting to watch and yet he never seems to get tired. Some people are just like that and it does tend to make the other person in the relationship lazy because there's no expectation to do anything and no need to.
I feel you OP, it's hard to get the motivation to do things when you know someone else will do them for you and then you get into this weird feeling of paranoia that they resent you and a lack of self-esteem for not contributing. I don't think anyone who hasn't got partner like this would ever understand why it can be difficult - but I feel you here.

mammmamia · 27/05/2021 21:32

My DH is just like @Babbly’s

sst1234 · 27/05/2021 22:22

@peanutbutterporridge

Do people think I'm lying?!

Maybe, maybe not. But certainly don’t understand the point of your thread. What do you want to hear?

Drunkenmonkey · 27/05/2021 22:41

I actually kind of know what the OP means. My DH used to do everything before we had a baby, he did all the cooking, most of the cleaning, all the food shopping, bins, cleaning up after dinner, and we both worked full time. After having a baby, he still did most of it but I did 90% of the baby care on mat leave and gradually I started to do more.
Now we have 2 kids we are both maxed out, and it is shared 50/50 because we are both non stop working/looking after kids/cleaning, neither of us have much time for ourselves, an hour in the evening tops and we share the kids at weekends.

My point is I was miserable with the old arrangement. He just did everything and I didn't see the point as he was doing it. I felt lazy and crap about myself, like I had no role. I'm much happier now it is shared, but it can be hard to adjust the status quo sometimes. It's hard to make yourself cook when you know someone else will just do it.
This is why it's important to make kids do chores in my opinion. Doing everything for someone just makes them lazy and noone actually likes feeling lazy.

StormcloakNord · 27/05/2021 22:42

Are you going to acknowledge the last thread you posted or are we just pretending it doesn't exist... 👀

sst1234 · 27/05/2021 22:44

To be honest, I’m sure someone will be along in a minute that the husband is exercising some of control or abuse by doing everything.
Still, what a strange thread.

PixieDust28 · 27/05/2021 22:47

Going by your other thread he probably does it all because you have a stinking temper and he is scared of you!

Get off your lazy ass.

Pebbledashery · 27/05/2021 22:48

@MoiraNotRuby

Makes hummus

😂😂😂😂😂

PixieDust28 · 27/05/2021 22:49

@Babbly

Anyone who thinks OP is lying should meet my DH - he's the same. He compulsively needs to be doing something ALL THE TIME. There's not a minute of the day where he's not working or cooking or cleaning or sorting or fixing... it's exhausting to watch and yet he never seems to get tired. Some people are just like that and it does tend to make the other person in the relationship lazy because there's no expectation to do anything and no need to. I feel you OP, it's hard to get the motivation to do things when you know someone else will do them for you and then you get into this weird feeling of paranoia that they resent you and a lack of self-esteem for not contributing. I don't think anyone who hasn't got partner like this would ever understand why it can be difficult - but I feel you here.

Would you loose your shit at him and scream in his face if the kitchen wasn't clean to your standards like the OP did?

OhGodNotThisAgain · 27/05/2021 22:52

He’s scared of you.

abeanbaked · 27/05/2021 22:56

Oooh hummus, sourdough and run-commutes. How wonderful.

mammmamia · 27/05/2021 22:57

Totally agree with @Drunkenmonkey

In a way it can be a form of control. It isn’t in our case but I can see how it could be.

BridgetGetTheGin · 27/05/2021 22:59

Thus sounded like my husband when I was ill with morning sickness. Don't all be shocked... there are incredible men out there!

mammmamia · 27/05/2021 23:02

@abeanbaked

Oooh hummus, sourdough and run-commutes. How wonderful.

I promise you this is my DH as well.

Yesterday - worked from home, took DC to school, cooked a home cooked delicious dinner, picked DC up from school, took DS to an evening activity, ran 5k while waiting for DS.

I was in the office so left home 7.45, got home at 6.30pm. I cleared up, later on did reading with DC etc but I still feel he did more than I did.

peboh · 27/05/2021 23:02

He sounds wonderful. However I'd be worried about you going back to work when you're this lazy. If you can't be bothered to help out in your own home, are you really going to be motivated to want to work?

wheresmymojo · 27/05/2021 23:05

My DH is like this too TBH.

On Saturdays he gets up early, cleans the kitchen and goes to do the groceries. When he gets back he warms up an almond croissant for me and brings it to me in bed with a cup of tea.

He then trains a client (he's a personal trainer) and when he gets back I'm usually still in bed (we don't have DC).

I don't let him do everything...and I do work more hours and earn more...but it's sad that so many think men like this must be a 'joke' or a troll.

wheresmymojo · 27/05/2021 23:06

@peboh

Given that she earns six figures I think we can assume she has some drive!

abeanbaked · 27/05/2021 23:07

I was in the office so left home 7.45, got home at 6.30pm. I cleared up, later on did reading with DC etc but I still feel he did more than I did.

So? Is a relationship not about give and take? Some days I can achieve lots, other days I watch endless amounts of shit tv and eat biscuits, my partner and I don't have to match each other. Vice versa.

The point of this thread is unclear, but the hummus, sourdough and run-commutes sound extremely pretentious.

OP, if he's real, he sounds great. Mind he doesn't get burnt out.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/05/2021 23:09

As a busy person myself it is irritating if your other half or colleagues are more laid back.
In your situation you're busy with the baby it is nice he is so caring.

Pinetreesfall · 27/05/2021 23:12

Get yourself back to work and at least contribute that way!

Rubyupbeat · 28/05/2021 05:23

@knittingaddict
Sounds like hes scared of her losing her temper if the house isn't to her liking, poor guy! Imagine if it were the other way round?

JemimaJoy · 28/05/2021 05:34

Is this unusual then? My DH was the same when my baby was a newborn. After the (let's be honest, horrible) experience of pregnancy and birth, my DH felt like I'd earned getting to spend the first few months of DC's life enjoying them. And of course I cared for and fed the baby but he took over chores and cooking. Of course it went back to normal over time. Sad to hear that so many posters are shocked by this!

Faevern · 28/05/2021 06:15

Does he make his own tahini though?

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