Background to my musings - I’m a pretty organised person, take the initiative, imagine stuff we could do with friends etc.
Husband has a two main groups of male friends who go away together - one weekend abroad per year, trips to sporting events etc. He’s never the one to organise them, so in that respect he gets an easy life, pays what he owes and turns up.
On the other hand, I have several smaller groups of female friends and it seems virtually impossible to do anything because of their various caring or other responsibilities.
As an example, one group of friends - the last two times I tried to organise something, the same one couldnt commit to a date because she was waiting to see (to be told) what her adult daughter was doing that weekend. She lives a couple of hours away, there was talk of her coming home, plans for us to go to Glasgow stalled after I’d done all the research. In the event, daughter didn’t come home and we didn’t go to Glasgow, then friend complained she had been bored all weekend.
I’ve no idea why she couldn’t have said she was unavailable that weekend and they could have arranged another. Adult daughter has no caring responsibilities.
Same friend, arranged to go out for afternoon tea (three of us) but again stalled because adult daughter then came to stay with her for three weeks during this period and she felt she should spend time with her instead. Then invited her to join us, then ditched us the day before and went out alone with daughter because she felt it wouldn’t be quality mum and daughter time for them together if friends present (so I had booked the table and they ended up using it!).
Just feeling guilty about not spending 1:1 time with her that afternoon, despite her staying in the house for three weeks, just the two of them.
Conversation with her recently - adult daughter thinking of moving closer to home. Wants to have kids. My friend can’t wait because she can then be on hand to help (understandable) but I just KNOW she will never, ever be available once there is a grandchild that ‘might’ need looking after so parents can go out.
Other friends - unable to commit to weekends away due to husbands unpredictable working patterns, despite their husbands being free to go away with friends because wives working patterns entirely predictable and therefore reliable childcare.
Another who can’t commit to anything due to adult daughter wanting to move house and needing help but not having a date in mind.
My two best school friends - both have taken jobs in schools in their late forties, now totally unavailable unless schools are closed, at which point they can’t do anything because they have children off school.
Other Friends invited to spend weekend at our holiday let, one can’t commit due to daughters gymnastics classes/competitions that clash with need to get other child to swimming lessons. Dad quite capable of taking one child, why doesn’t one child have a week off to enable mum to go away?
I’m honestly not somebody people are trying to avoid!
It’s always the same thing too, ‘you go ahead and book, I’ll join you if I can,’ when actually the dynamic of two friends going away rather than three is really different, so it’s not really the same.
And by the time they know whether they can come (based on others not needing them), the accommodation you were looking at has gone. This also happened when I invited friends to stay in our holiday let, by the time both committed, it had been let out that weekend.
I keep wondering, why is it that my husband and his male friends just think ‘shall we go away?’ And proceed to just, you know, book it.
I have two children, I have NO childcare apart from my husband. I have two jobs. I would love some quality time away, it just seems impossible to arrange this with female friends due to them being constantly needed, constantly at somebody else’s beck and call, never putting themselves first.
I think I ought to get some male mates? Or just give up completely? It’s a bit soul destroying and I really have got to the point of giving up.