WIBU? Parent A vs Parent B

[DoingItAllDayLong]

Parent A has a hobby which takes them out of the house 2-3 afternoons per week and 2 evenings per week.

The afternoons do not affect family life as Parent A is usually back on time for the DC finishing school.

The two evenings per week are not an issue as Parent B also gets some time out once per week or fortnight depending on plans.

On the two evenings per week, Parent B picks up the slack for dinner, baths , bedtime etc as well as walking the dogs. The same happens on the one evening Parent B goes out.

Parent A is really enjoying the hobby and now wants to do this four evenings per week as well as two afternoons per week.

Parent B thinks this is unreasonable.

The DC are junior school age but one has additional needs and needs lots of support and attention so evenings tend to be chaotic. It also means that Parent B would need to pick up the slack for the majority of the week. Parent B is also chronically unwell.

Parent A thinks Parent B is being unreasonable.

WIBU?

@Viviennemary thank you for that grand sweeping statement with no grounds whatsoever

Parent A is taking the piss.

Parent A is being selfish because Parent A is happily willing to dump everything on Parent B. Sounds like Parent A is already doing an unfair amount of that anyway.

DH doesn’t work only a few hours a day ; he works hard. I’m not denying that.

It’s the extra load on evenings that I’m objecting to. I am actively seeking work as we are currently relying on his self employed wage and my redundancy pot is paying the bills short term.

When I hopefully find something soon, it is then more stuff for me to do. I don’t think it’s fair !

@arethereanyleftatall I disagree with your interpretation. I’ve not made it appear that way at all.

His being unreasonable.

I’m sure a lot of parents would love fun me time four nights a week and two afternoons doesn’t mean you get it. That’s a sacrifice you make when you have a family.

If he gets four nights and you get one then that’s only two family nights.

Just because ops home during the day doesn’t make it sound like she just sits on her but all day doing nothing. What if she goes back to work even part time? Considering she has health issues as does one of the children I suspect a lot of daily stuff is taken up dealing with meds/plans/appointments.

On initial read, I thought he was being unreasonable, but I'm now wavering. I think he's unreasonable because it's antisocial, but not because of the time.

With you not working and junior school children, I can't see how you are filling your time with tidying and chores - especially as they are the same ones that would be needed when you go back to work. I can't see how that would take more than a couple of hours a day, so I think you've got a lot of spare time.

Honestly, you've both got a huge amount of free time with one part time job between you!

I've fallen in love with fencing before. It's fun, for sure, but 6 sessions per week is excessive. I competed at an amateur level and won competitions regularly with one lesson per week. It sounds like he thinks fencing is more fun than helping out at home and therefore he is entitled to go to fencing and leave you to the boring stuff

There are 100 things I'd rather be doing in the evening but I can't because I have responsibilities. Same goes for my DH.

Parent A is unreasonable. He’s opting out of family life and leaving the evening ‘shift’ to parent B. Twice a week ok, four times a week for a hobby rather selfish. Evenings with young children can be tiring, plus what about relaxing time together as adults?

I think what happens during the day is irrelevant, both are busy in their own way. After school is when children needs care and attention and it’s relentless, hopefully enjoyable but I assume the plan was to parent together?

So parent B gets time on their own when kids are at school? As this changes it a bit.
I'd say A needs to pick up more of the house work

[quote DoingItAllDayLong]@ThatChristinaAguileraSong I would agree with you if I thought for one minute I was actually getting quality free time…

I take the full mental load for everyone. I do the school run each day, deal with the dogs during the day, manage and attend all appointments for the DC , make lunch for DH and I , do the meal plans , tidying etc etc . Occasionally I will meet a friend in a cafe , but I still do all of that on top . It’s not free quality time I get. It’s mundane and non stop.

That’s why I left that out , because I wanted to focus on the evenings . Not ‘who does what’.[/quote]
@arethereanyleftatall op addressed that here. Their post was about the additional evenings, not their current situation.

Your dh is being wildly unreasonable. 4 evenings a week is far too much. The after school time is total exhausting so it not fair for him to dump all the extra workload on you. Kids come with responsibility and your dh can’t just ignore this just because he happens to enjoy a hobby. Life changes when you’ve got kids so he’ll have to suck it up and stop acting like he’s single and care-free.

I have not read it all, but my thought is that it's not just the parenting and "load" issue that would upset me about Parent A's behaviour. If I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to spend four evenings a week, every week, doing something that excuded me, I would be very concrened about the relationship. What about wanting to spend time with your partner?

Well... is parent A taking on the whole evening routine on their own for the whole other 3 evenings?
I suspect they would find that a chore....

@DoingItAllDayLong

DH doesn’t work only a few hours a day ; he works hard. I’m not denying that.

It’s the extra load on evenings that I’m objecting to. I am actively seeking work as we are currently relying on his self employed wage and my redundancy pot is paying the bills short term.

When I hopefully find something soon, it is then more stuff for me to do. I don’t think it’s fair !

I’m sure he works hard. But if he has time to do hobbies 2 afternoons a week, surely he’s got more time for freelancing during those hours?

He’s working 2 full days and 2-3 half days. That’s almost a part time job.

If he can do the sport in the evening he doesn’t need to do it in the afternoons.

I did fencing at school, btw so I’m not judging that.

But nor am I indulging it when I should be either working or doing domestic work/childcare.

@theDudesmummy

I have not read it all, but my thought is that it's not just the parenting and "load" issue that would upset me about Parent A's behaviour. If I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to spend four evenings a week, every week, doing something that excuded me, I would be very concrened about the relationship. What about wanting to spend time with your partner?

I agree.

We have 2 children. The youngest with additional needs. No pets. I don’t work - I have to give up due to severity if youngest daughters needs & claim carers allowance. Husband works a full time office job and an additional manual labour job on a Sunday (we hope one day he can give this up but for now, we need the money!).

Depending on the needs of your child with additional needs I absolutely agree with you & think you are being very reasonable already & picking up the evening slack 2 evenings every week. Evenings are by far the hardest part of the day in our house. Sorting dinners (youngest can only have puree food & is spoon fed), meds, baths, tube feeds, then bedtime, all while having a child who cannot be left alone is EXTREMELY difficult & hard work for one person. I have no health conditions myself & can manage this but I wouldn’t be jumping for joy at doing myself twice a week and certainly not 4 times per week.

For everyone who says you have ‘down time’ when they are at school, yes - you might grab the odd hour to sit down but if you are like me it’s spent cleaning, organising & chasing up all things education/social work/medical... Batch cooking to make said difficult evening slightly easier... Shopping... Take child to many appointments... It’s really an endless list - the time I spend in a week doing ‘admin’ related to my ASN daughter is immense & nothing sort of a part time job done while she is at nursery!

So in short - he is being unreasonable & needs to do his fair share during the busiest & most difficult time of day in the household (or that’s how it is in our house - my husband would never expect that of me and nor me of him because we understand the strain it puts on the other)

Could he have an extra afternoon rather than evening and then have one more evening if he were to take the DC with him to fence - I assume the club will have juniors?

A is BVU

If it shifts the balance to you picking up more than half of the work in the household (or whatever you are capable of doing in your current health), then no of course it's not fair.

Hobbies come second after responsibilities.

Yes 4 evenings are too much leaving you to do tea bath bed

If he needs to practice then do 4 afternoon And 2 evenings

9 is too late for school

vivienne Lazy?? OP’s life sounds busy and hectic to me! Add an additional needs child into the mix and it makes everything so much more difficult and much more draining!

Perhaps negotiate that he takes on more of the housework/ appointments etc to give you a fairer split?

@DoingItAllDayLong Assuming your husband is a nice bloke but he doesn't realise how much time you spend on "household/kids/life admin" as you in general seem happy to do it. A sit down is needed where you express some of your concerns – not just what you dont want but what you want/nees. Seems like you have almost a full time job at home during day time (plus ... job hunting might be a part time chore as well), so you deserve some evenings off. Some activities can only take place in the evening (meeting up with working friends, etc). Could he add one hobby session in the morning or afternoon so that he can still be home that evening?