WIBU? Parent A vs Parent B

[DoingItAllDayLong]

Parent A has a hobby which takes them out of the house 2-3 afternoons per week and 2 evenings per week.

The afternoons do not affect family life as Parent A is usually back on time for the DC finishing school.

The two evenings per week are not an issue as Parent B also gets some time out once per week or fortnight depending on plans.

On the two evenings per week, Parent B picks up the slack for dinner, baths , bedtime etc as well as walking the dogs. The same happens on the one evening Parent B goes out.

Parent A is really enjoying the hobby and now wants to do this four evenings per week as well as two afternoons per week.

Parent B thinks this is unreasonable.

The DC are junior school age but one has additional needs and needs lots of support and attention so evenings tend to be chaotic. It also means that Parent B would need to pick up the slack for the majority of the week. Parent B is also chronically unwell.

Parent A thinks Parent B is being unreasonable.

WIBU?

Your husband sounds likevan unbelievably selfish pig and clearly is trying to opt out of parenting as much as possible.

Total deal breaker and OP, you are already doing far too much.

Just to clarify, the evening jobs are shared on the evenings DH is home. I don’t mind doing them solo on the two evenings he is out . I do mind taking those tasks on for another two evenings per week. Working or not, why should I?

The majority of the posters here appear to agree with me so I conclude I am NBU

Is there a reason dogs have to be walked in the evening?

@ineedaholidaynow they are high energy dogs and are walked morning and evening.

it’s working fine and we’re both happy
Obviously not because your partner wants more time for his hobby and you don't want your partner to have more time for his hobby - but whatever.

@ThatChristinaAguileraSong are you deliberately missing the point

He wants more time because he’s enjoying it and would like to do it more. The way things currently are , we are both happy with .

@myhobbyisouting

She can't tell you the hobby because it's outing

Fabulous username!

What is the hobby?????

A is being unreasonable. What is the “hobby”.

Please tell us what the hobby is. The rest of the situation is way more outing than the hobby would be I'm sure.

Oh, and you DH is being ridiculously U.

I was not going to mention the hobby as I’ve spoken about this in RL to friends and family but to ease everyone’s curiosity, it is fencing. He’s part of a club.

I thought A was doing a lot hobby wise already but then you go on to say they want to do a further two evenings a week

I think that's far too much

So do you have to take the DC with you when walking the dogs?

Does everyone else in the club do those sort of hours? Will he end up doing competitions which take up more time at the weekends etc?

YANBU your DH is part of a family, 4 evenings a week is ridiculous unless he's attempting to enter the Olympics. In fact even if you didn't have DCs and dogs, I'd be questioning a relationship where one person is away more than50% of evenings.

Why doesn’t he go fencing after the bedtime /eating.

Five evenings a week and two afternoons sounds very greedy of him. I'd hate to be solely lumbered with all the evenings.

I can sort of see what people are saying given that you have six hours a day without work or children (usually) so take some time then. But that doesn't really help if you want your evenings calmer and easier. Plus if you move your day "jobs" like the meal planning etc from the day time they'll end up getting added to your evening chores and A won't be any help because he's off out waving his sword around.

Can you plan it all out on a chart: time at work, housework, child care and hobbies/relaxation to see what the balance is? And what it would be on the new regime?

The only other thing I can think of is that you get a job (if your health will allow) and use the funds to outsource housework and dog walking? That doesn't really help with the evening child wrangling though which is I suspect what you don't want to do on your own 5 days a week. I used to have an evening nanny a couple of times a week and as soon as I got home the kids would get up again, all excited and demanding snacks so I'd end up putting them to bed again anyway!

Parent A is taking the piss.Jesus wept. He (and it has to be a he LOL) wants to do something other than be with his family more than half of the evenings. What's the point in being married then. I can't believe anyone would think that is reasonable, even if you didn't have children. Good grief. I hope you can make him see sense.

He needs to wait until both children are in secondary school so don't want/need you both around as much.

He's a parent and needs to actually parent his children not just leave the parenting to you.

I don't think he's being unreasonable if he picks up some more of the general childcare. He obviously has a bit of flexibility with his work so this isn't impossible.
Apart from not knowing how your health conditions impact on doing things, for a SAHM for junior school children there really isn't a lot to do during the day ... and all of it could be shared with DP.

Tell him that if he wants you to consider it then you need to test run it, in reverse.

For the next 2/3 weeks, you will go out those 4 nights a week and he will do everything that he's expecting of you. After those 3 weeks, he can decide if it is reasonable to expect this of you, every week, for next few years.

@DoingItAllDayLong

I was not going to mention the hobby as I’ve spoken about this in RL to friends and family but to ease everyone’s curiosity, it is fencing. He’s part of a club.

Just as an aside, fencing gets very expensive very quickly especially if you are planning on doing it 6 times a week. Its an awesome hobby but very reliant on other people and the times when the club is going, so for people to say, do it after bedtime, he might not be able to

However 4 evenings a week is taking the piss (plus 2 afternoons)

YANBU

It sounds to me as if the hobby is also pushing out work, which is a bit worrying from the point of view of family finances. But on any interpretation six sessions a week is ridiculous with a young family.

Woah - your second post where you detail that you're a sahp to school age kids changes everything. I think many people are responding to the op alone where you missed out the fact that parent b gets let's say 4 hours off (allowing 2 hours for housework etc) every day.

@DoingItAllDayLong

I have no problem with doing these things, that’s life and I’m not working at the moment. But why should I pick up all the evening chores too?

DH goes to work each morning , finishes work and heads straight to his hobby before collecting DC from school. Comes home and takes one DC to tennis or football, comes home and then heads off to his hobby. Comes home, showers and the evening is his.

My day (most days)
Morning school run, come home and sort dogs, tidy, meal plan or sort shopping, sort lunch, medical treatment for my health condition, sort school lunches, sort DC dinner, sort the DC for their classes, take 1 DC to class, come home , sort DC for baths, help DC with additional needs with care, feed the dogs, walk the dogs , sort the DC for bed (which takes at least an hour….) . It’s the same as what all families do , but my point is, this is not quality time I’m having whereas DH does get hobby time. I refuse to do this on my own for the majority of the week.

So focus on things you can share - can DH feed and walk the dogs? Can he sort meal planning or school lunches? I don't know how much time you need to spend on medical treatment, but it should be perfectly possible to fit basic house hold type jobs into about an hour a day, leaving plenty of free time. What hobbies do you have that you would like to pursue? I think you should focus on having time to do that - I suspect that's a main cause of irritation. Looking after your own DC for a few hours after they've been at school all day is surely not the main problem?

@DoingItAllDayLong

I was not going to mention the hobby as I’ve spoken about this in RL to friends and family but to ease everyone’s curiosity, it is fencing. He’s part of a club.

I really want to make a joke about selling stolen goods. 😂