WIBU? Parent A vs Parent B

[DoingItAllDayLong]

Parent A has a hobby which takes them out of the house 2-3 afternoons per week and 2 evenings per week.

The afternoons do not affect family life as Parent A is usually back on time for the DC finishing school.

The two evenings per week are not an issue as Parent B also gets some time out once per week or fortnight depending on plans.

On the two evenings per week, Parent B picks up the slack for dinner, baths , bedtime etc as well as walking the dogs. The same happens on the one evening Parent B goes out.

Parent A is really enjoying the hobby and now wants to do this four evenings per week as well as two afternoons per week.

Parent B thinks this is unreasonable.

The DC are junior school age but one has additional needs and needs lots of support and attention so evenings tend to be chaotic. It also means that Parent B would need to pick up the slack for the majority of the week. Parent B is also chronically unwell.

Parent A thinks Parent B is being unreasonable.

WIBU?

Does Parent A give a shit about their dc ? Sound unlikely

Parent A does do a lot with the DC in general. During the week the DC have their own classes to go to. Parent A will take one DC to tennis whilst I take the other to football.

Parent A will then drop child at home with me, then head straight out to their own hobby leaving me to do dinner, baths, school lunches, walking both dogs , bedtime etc. I don’t mind for two evenings per week but four is just too much.

Parent A is taking the piss.

Would love to know what the hobby is.

Parent A is taking the piss.

Our kids don't have additional needs.

We do alternate evenings 'out if the house' to spend how we choose on hobbies, socialising etc. The parent at home does bed time. That way it is fair and everyone gets their leisure time.

Why can't they walk the dog before doing their hobby? Or can you walk the dog whilst DC are at school (whilst you are not working)

I would call A’s bluff and say fine, you can have 4 evenings out and I’ll go out the other 3 evenings plus all day Saturday. That’s fair isn’t it? And watch A freak out at the prospect of parenting alone for an equal amount of time.

In light of the fact that you're not working, I think it's pretty clear opinions have changed. Parent A wants four evenings each week but could do the other three with the kids. Especially considering that Parent A has offered to do bedtime when they get home too. Parent B has five full days of free time so I don't think they can make a massive fuss over Parent A wanting four evenings. It's pretty clear that you left that detail out on purpose (and didn't answer when it was first asked) because you know full well that the fact your children are in school and you don't work changes things.

@DoingItAllDayLong

Parent A does do a lot with the DC in general. During the week the DC have their own classes to go to. Parent A will take one DC to tennis whilst I take the other to football.

Parent A will then drop child at home with me, then head straight out to their own hobby leaving me to do dinner, baths, school lunches, walking both dogs , bedtime etc. I don’t mind for two evenings per week but four is just too much.

So Parent A does do some of the after school stuff - it's not like they finish work and then you don't see them for dust.

I get that your gripe is that you pick up too many of the evening tasks but I think there is a compromise here in that Parent A could make the evening easier for Parent B without physically being there.
So Parent A could make dinner (to be reheated later) and school lunches (either before or after they go out). You surely don't need baths every night, and the junior school age child without special needs shouldn't need much supervision. The dogs could perhaps have a quick walk earlier and then a longer walk by Parent B later. Or Parent B walks the dogs with DC on the days they don't have classes.

Yanbu. Parent A is taking the piss.

What is the hobby? (Just being nosy - it doesn’t affect my answer).

Parent a is taking the piss. Even if it doesn’t affect family life it is still time they get to have to themselves for their own interest that parent b is missing out on.

Starting bedtime at 9 for junior school children is very late, if they are of the age where they need parent help at bedtime

Will you be planning to get a job? Would they then reduce their hobby hours?

4 evenings a week is way too much. A is being unreasonable.

2 evenings is fine. Possibly occasionally a 3rd evening but not every week. Any more than that is unfair.

6 sessions a week on something is a job not a hobby! Oh to have enough time in a week to fit it in around everything else that has to be done!!

A is taking the piss, the only possible exception to that would be if he was doing something specific/time-barred like training for a marathon as a one-off. It's just not fair to land another parent with the evening grind 4 nights out of 7.

I'm guessing it's cycling

@ThatChristinaAguileraSong I would agree with you if I thought for one minute I was actually getting quality free time…

I take the full mental load for everyone. I do the school run each day, deal with the dogs during the day, manage and attend all appointments for the DC , make lunch for DH and I , do the meal plans , tidying etc etc . Occasionally I will meet a friend in a cafe , but I still do all of that on top . It’s not free quality time I get. It’s mundane and non stop.

That’s why I left that out , because I wanted to focus on the evenings . Not ‘who does what’.

It all sounds like one of those tests I had at school in the old days. As in, if man A, takes three hours to dig a hole in the road, but man B, only takes one and half hours, what does man C think about this. Woman D comes along, and says ,why is that hole in the road, I don't like it.

I was always baffled by questions like this.

What’s the hobby!?

[quote DoingItAllDayLong]@ThatChristinaAguileraSong I would agree with you if I thought for one minute I was actually getting quality free time…

I take the full mental load for everyone. I do the school run each day, deal with the dogs during the day, manage and attend all appointments for the DC , make lunch for DH and I , do the meal plans , tidying etc etc . Occasionally I will meet a friend in a cafe , but I still do all of that on top . It’s not free quality time I get. It’s mundane and non stop.

That’s why I left that out , because I wanted to focus on the evenings . Not ‘who does what’.[/quote]
So why not work on what the actual problem is? You've said that DC have hobbies in the evenings that Parent A takes them to - why can't you have free time then? DC are at school from 8am-3pm (roughly) every day, you can't find six hours on those days where you and your partner can agree you get your own time?
Between the two of you, you're working one part-time job from home and managing two children who are both in school - it's a tad absurd to think neither of you can manage time for yourselves.

I have no problem with doing these things, that’s life and I’m not working at the moment. But why should I pick up all the evening chores too?

DH goes to work each morning , finishes work and heads straight to his hobby before collecting DC from school. Comes home and takes one DC to tennis or football, comes home and then heads off to his hobby. Comes home, showers and the evening is his.

My day (most days)
Morning school run, come home and sort dogs, tidy, meal plan or sort shopping, sort lunch, medical treatment for my health condition, sort school lunches, sort DC dinner, sort the DC for their classes, take 1 DC to class, come home , sort DC for baths, help DC with additional needs with care, feed the dogs, walk the dogs , sort the DC for bed (which takes at least an hour….) . It’s the same as what all families do , but my point is, this is not quality time I’m having whereas DH does get hobby time. I refuse to do this on my own for the majority of the week.

She can't tell you the hobby because it's outing

@ThatChristinaAguileraSong I said DH takes one to a class and I take the other . So I’m still taking the DC to class , so that is not free time for me .

@ThatChristinaAguileraSong I am also managing a health condition which takes at least a couple of hours out of the day.

This would be so much easier if you had just gone for 'my husband is being totally unreasonable because he wants to bugger off to cycle/golf/whatever 4 evenings and two afternoons every week while I stay at home and look after the kids'. Everyone would just agree. It's obviously not reasonable.

“So why not work on what the actual problem is? You've said that DC have hobbies in the evenings that Parent A takes them to - why can't you have free time then? DC are at school from 8am-3pm (roughly) every day, you can't find six hours on those days where you and your partner can agree you get your own time?
Between the two of you, you're working one part-time job from home and managing two children who are both in school - it's a tad absurd to think neither of you can manage time for yourselves.”

We’re quite capable of managing our time thank you . We are adults . And as things are , it’s working fine and we’re both happy . It’s the additional time DH is asking for , which is now an issue for all the reasons I’ve outlined above . The additional time is the point of the thread , hence why I left the other bits out .