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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about my parents early inheritance

150 replies

SallyA1976 · 25/05/2021 10:58

Hi All - 8 years ago, I received my inheritance from my parents of about 200k as a gift which enabled myself and my husband to buy a house. This was early (my parents are alive) and given to me to avoid inheritance tax and in a period where I needed it the most. The mortgage was agreed on my high salary at the time plus this deposit from my parents. My husband is on a substantially lower income with no ambition to increase it (he is not driven by money, hates his job - sees no reason to work for money or promotion, etc). We're 10 years married and the cracks are starting to show. I realise that if we did part, I would lose half of my parent's inheritance - yet he would receive his full inheritance in time from his elderly parents when they pass. Nothing I can do about that - I know, however, I am so resentful of it largely as well because of my husband's unwillingness to provide financially for us.

My parents also want to gift us more money now - and my husband is aware of that. AIBU to bring up my concerns? We could use the extra money - I just wish I could ringfence it so in the event of a divorce. It would mostly still come to me.

OP posts:

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 25/05/2021 15:51

@Wannakisstheteacher

Your DH might not have any inheritance because his parents might use it for care home fees rather than allowing the state to fund it for them.

Very few people get anywhere near 200k from their parents and you are still talking about grabbing more off yours.

Gosh, that's harsh!! I would imagine that the OP isn't being grabby - her parents want to help her and are in a position to do so. As I would with my children - it doesn't make my children grabby if I want to gift them a deposit for a house or money to help with everyday living or home improvements. And I say that as someone who has never, nor ever will, 'inherit' more than a box of buttons. What a strange way to look at things.

Devlesko · 25/05/2021 15:56

Ha Ha Ha, you're parents are the providers, they have given you enough to buy a house outright already. My 4 bed semi Edwardian is worth that much, and you are getting more money.
Apart from being very lucky, as you seem to want more and more, you do need to get a grip on reality. Your parents fund your lifestyle choices.

moynomore · 25/05/2021 16:02

@Devlesko

Ha Ha Ha, you're parents are the providers, they have given you enough to buy a house outright already. My 4 bed semi Edwardian is worth that much, and you are getting more money. Apart from being very lucky, as you seem to want more and more, you do need to get a grip on reality. Your parents fund your lifestyle choices.

What does this have to do with anything? The value of your Edwardian semi couldn't be more irrelevant to the OP's question. Some (lucky) people have wealthy parents who give them money in life. Her parents are offering her more money. Such embarrassing jealousy on this thread.

knittingaddict · 25/05/2021 16:13

It's not an inheritance if no one has died.

I bet that's been said a few times already. At least I hope so.

Titofeline · 25/05/2021 16:13

When I divorced my ex they just had to prove they gifted us money and it was allocated to what I brought to the marriage

The only difference for me was my gifted money was prior to my wedding so truly was given to just me.

LH1987 · 25/05/2021 16:15

I think the money here may only be a side issue. You’re problem is you feel taken advantage of in the marriage.which to be fair it sounds like you are being.

Really your options are to confront it now, have marriage counselling and decide to stay together or cut your losses and leaves before more money is gifted.

It must be incredibly frustrating for you!

DogInATent · 25/05/2021 16:15

I presume you're Joint Tenants and not Tenants in Common?

BigHeadBertha · 25/05/2021 16:18

I think you need to speak to an attorney right away.

moynomore · 25/05/2021 16:20

The only difference for me was my gifted money was prior to my wedding so truly was given to just me.

Money gifted prior to marriage is different.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 25/05/2021 16:20

Always worth remembering when taking money from parents that divorce will have a significant impact on that.

pennylane83 · 25/05/2021 16:24

Did you not have a declaration drawn up at the time of purchase to show that the property was held unequally?

waitingforthenextseason · 25/05/2021 16:33

Divorce him now and ask your parents to wait with the inheritance money.

Bite the bullet if you think the marriage is not going to make it.

Dacquoise · 25/05/2021 16:36

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland, that is absolutely true these days. My partner has just gone through court and ended up giving his ex wife a sum of capitalised maintenance to top up her earnings as she claims to be not able anymore than a couple of days supply teaching a week despite never having children or having any disabilities. The court worked out what she needed as monthly income and awarded maintenance from my partner until she retired which is 12 years away. Also equalised pension Income. She basically wound down her working hours to the minimum from her mid thirties and let him pay the mortgage and bills. No expectation that she would work full time on divorce. It's not always based on children and sacrificed career.

SofiaMichelle · 25/05/2021 16:41

[quote Dacquoise]@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland, that is absolutely true these days. My partner has just gone through court and ended up giving his ex wife a sum of capitalised maintenance to top up her earnings as she claims to be not able anymore than a couple of days supply teaching a week despite never having children or having any disabilities. The court worked out what she needed as monthly income and awarded maintenance from my partner until she retired which is 12 years away. Also equalised pension Income. She basically wound down her working hours to the minimum from her mid thirties and let him pay the mortgage and bills. No expectation that she would work full time on divorce. It's not always based on children and sacrificed career.[/quote]
Wow! That's appalling.

Bloody parasite!

museumum · 25/05/2021 16:49

You've lived in your lovely house for eight whole years already, and if the children remain living with you after divorce (which it sounds like they would) then you should remain living in it at least until they leave home. In which case your parent's money has been well-spent on your children's home through their childhood and in fact you may benefit from the results of the investment in terms of property equity even if you do have to share that with your stb-ex.

Don't accept any more money from your parents right now if you are considering divorcing but I don't think you can complain about what happens to the original £200k investment they made in your home.

YouokHun · 25/05/2021 16:54

@DogInATent

I presume you're Joint Tenants and not Tenants in Common?

Just about to ask the same. If you are tenants in common you each own a distinct percentage of the property and not necessarily 50%.

The money you have been given is a gift not an inheritance and at the moment is a Potentially Exempt (from INT) Transfer. Under the rules as I understand it, if your parents both live for seven years after giving the gift it’s exempt; if they both die within seven years it will be added to their estate and, if the estate is worth over £325,000, the gift will attract some IHT. I think that if one of your parents dies then if that gift was joint there may be tax to pay on the deceased parents portion if they die with 7 years (amount of tax is tapered according to when they died with the 7 years). It’s complicated but I wouldn’t accept any more cash gifts until you and your parents have got some clarity (regardless of partners).

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 25/05/2021 16:59

He'll be entitled to half your pension too...... Why people insist on getting married when they're a higher earner is beyond me. Its a mugs game where they're the ones who will lose.

A clean break where each pay towards any dc is much fairer.

nokidshere · 25/05/2021 17:11

Her Dementia is so advanced that she HAS to be in this place for her own safety. He had a portfolio of properties - all sold to pay for her care and it has got to the stage now, where he’s going to have to sell their beautiful home 😥),

In the UK this is absolutely NOT true. No one has to sell a home they live in to pay for a spouses care. The care fees will only be pursued after death/property sale.

Dacquoise · 25/05/2021 17:12

@SofiaMichelle, yes you couldn't make it up, could you. That's my concern about the Op. If there is a shortfall in her husbands needs, it could come off the assets ie he needs more equity to be able to afford accommodation on his salary. Jumping sooner rather than later could be a good move. Also courts will assess him on his current employment, no expectation to earn more.

Blossomtoes · 25/05/2021 17:13

@nokidshere

In the UK this is absolutely NOT true. No one has to sell a home they live in to pay for a spouses care. The care fees will only be pursued after death/property sale.

This. She must have been in residential care for decades if she’s run through a portfolio of properties at £1000 a week.

MiddlesexGirl · 25/05/2021 19:30

In the UK this is absolutely NOT true. No one has to sell a home they live in to pay for a spouses care. The care fees will only be pursued after death/property sale.

It is likely the case that the fees are more than the council will cover so unless the aunt moves to a cheaper care home the uncle will have to downsize to release equity to continue funding the balance above what the council pays.

Blossomtoes · 25/05/2021 19:36

t is likely the case that the fees are more than the council will cover so unless the aunt moves to a cheaper care home the uncle will have to downsize to release equity to continue funding the balance above what the council pays

That isn’t how it works. The council essentially lends the money, then reclaims it after the deaths of the resident and their spouse. The partner who continues living in their marital home is legally protected for their life time.

IntoAir · 25/05/2021 20:06

I hate this resentment growing in me but feel powerless to do anything about it. I feel overworked and I can see that my husband isn't. And because that is a daily observation, it's always at the forefront of my mind

I really feel for you, @SallyA1976 It must feel awful to feel so exploited and to feel bad about it. You're not a bad person (ignore the nasty comments about grabbiness etc on here).

Does your husband realise how close you are to wanting to divorce? There was a blog floating around written by a woman about how the regular leaving of washing up eventually led to her divorcing her husband.

He needs to shape up, and take a lot of the load from you. Does he realise how uncaring & unsexy his behaviour is (just go on a sex strike, maybe?)

I hope you can fix that.

MiddlesexGirl · 25/05/2021 21:12

The partner is legally protected but if the cost of the care home exceeds the local authority funding then the deferred payment option can only be actioned if there is sufficient equity in the home ..... I believe.
If I'm wrong I'd be very interested as my parents are likely to be in this situation very soon :/

ceilingsand · 25/05/2021 22:35

I do think it's unfair for him to benefit from your inheritance and to keep his own.

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