To be concerned about my parents early inheritance

[SallyA1976]

Hi All - 8 years ago, I received my inheritance from my parents of about 200k as a gift which enabled myself and my husband to buy a house. This was early (my parents are alive) and given to me to avoid inheritance tax and in a period where I needed it the most. The mortgage was agreed on my high salary at the time plus this deposit from my parents. My husband is on a substantially lower income with no ambition to increase it (he is not driven by money, hates his job - sees no reason to work for money or promotion, etc). We're 10 years married and the cracks are starting to show. I realise that if we did part, I would lose half of my parent's inheritance - yet he would receive his full inheritance in time from his elderly parents when they pass. Nothing I can do about that - I know, however, I am so resentful of it largely as well because of my husband's unwillingness to provide financially for us.

My parents also want to gift us more money now - and my husband is aware of that. AIBU to bring up my concerns? We could use the extra money - I just wish I could ringfence it so in the event of a divorce. It would mostly still come to me.

But it eats at me the more time goes on. I don't agree that it is acceptable to not try to progress at work and thereby not be able to afford things for your kids, or to let your wife or husband take that over that role unless there is good reason like young children etc. As the breadwinner, and the dominant parent I'm exhausted with obligation but my husband can pick and choose. I don't think that's fair

No, it's not. Have you discussed this with him? It seems you have a problem with his laziness at home.

@Moonwhite

your main motivator for leaving him seems to be his lack of earning potential

Can't you see how that would be frustrating? She's the breadwinner and still the default parent, and he's contributing next to nothing. That basically makes him a parasite.

Right? I’m a SAHM, I did not want to be one, but I ended up a ‘trailing spouse’ (ugh) through a mutual decision on what was best for all of us. So I do the bulk of the household/kid stuff. I’ve had part time jobs here and there, but my priority is having my house and family run like a well oiled machine. My DH is a great hands on dad and will always pitch in when needed, but because of me he doesn’t have the extra mental load of all those logistics on top of a demanding career.

OP’s H may as well be a permanent foreign exchange student forever squatting in her house. No thanks mate

Thanks blossom ... I’ve obviously misunderstood slightly.

thecat .... thank you, as above. However, given the figures so far, I’d imagine the estate would be over the £325K limit IF the worst happened within 7 years.

I’m happy to be corrected on my misunderstanding - I now know for future.

You should be very careful that this is not seen as deliberate deprivation of assets should your parents need care in the future.
You will be liable to pay for their care should they need it.

OP have you actually spoken to your DH about splitting or is this all currently just your thoughts and you are second guessing his reaction? Is there any chance he won't go after 50/50? I say this because my ex-H's parents gifted him 11k for a house deposit, I didn't put a deposit in but I paid equally to the mortgage for 9 years. He broke my jaw, after years of being hurt, so the police removed me and the dc from the house. I accepted 60/40 and the car, he bought me out and rattles around his big family home like the lonely old pathetic miser that he is. I wanted to owe him nothing. And I had enough for a deposit on a small house for me and my 3 DC. I got rid of his 'power' over me. He may have a bigger pile of bricks and mortar than me but I have a richer life. Sometimes people behave differently in divorce, it isn't about assets or money for everyone.

@Blindstupid

Thanks blossom ... I’ve obviously misunderstood slightly.

thecat .... thank you, as above. However, given the figures so far, I’d imagine the estate would be over the £325K limit IF the worst happened within 7 years.

I’m happy to be corrected on my misunderstanding - I now know for future.

No problem, I love it when someone here posts something like that. It’s really refreshing.

IHT really isn’t as bad as people would have you believe. The allowance is £650k for a couple and you can leave your main residence to your direct descendants tax free up to £350k per couple too. So basically any couple with an estate worth less than £1 million who leave 1. To their spouse 2. To their kids, don’t pay any tax on it.

Very few estates exceed the limits.

@coffeerose

You should be very careful that this is not seen as deliberate deprivation of assets should your parents need care in the future. You will be liable to pay for their care should they need it.

Not if they haven't given away all of their assets.

Deprivation of assets is just that. You are allowed to gift money, so long as you are not giving it all away.

Remortgage and give the money back to.your parents for safe keeping?

@LivingLaVidaCovid

Advanced warning: unpopular opinion approaching

I almost married a similar sounding man he is now 38 working part time in a bird sanctuary and on his 3rd post grad qualification (lord help us all) I thank God every day we broke up as I almost sleep walked into marriage.

1. Decide if you want to divorce.
2. Make a plan and get proper financial advice.

Do not accept new money from your parents even if ringfenced. You are just asking for it to take longer/ incur challenges and higher legal bills

If the mortgage is in your name only. (personally) I'd remortgage on the quiet up to the hilt and start hiding the 200K. Either offshore or as movable assets or in a trust for your children of which you are the trustee (take proper advice)

Again consider if this was reversed. Man takes on debt for his wife and hides cash as part of a divorce. This advice is morally very dubious and in my view potential fraud.

Did you not think to have a conversation about your husband and his earning potential before you bought a house with him? Or were you just too excited that you had got some money tax free?

Either way, it’s hardly his fault that you now want him to be more ambitious.

You sound very grabby when it comes to money.

OP,

Why did you marry this waster?
Has he changed or is this who he always was.

Sounds like you are doing it all.

Cut your losses.

You neither like nor respect him and as you are carrying a huge load I can understand.

What I can't understand is that such a determined woman would be attracted to a workshy.

It's not his salary its that he has no interest no ambitions.

Cut him loose.

I hope they leave enough money to pay for some of their care costs if needed. Taking the only care home that will take local authority fees for people that cannot or will not (your parents potentially) might mean a cramped room and low level of care. Paying for care brings choice and mostly better care/bigger room/more activities etc.

Hate hate hate the idea of formal ring-fencing, money following bloodlines, family trusts and the lot.

Leads to secrets lies and destruction of relationships.

If married you are a team even if it’s a shit team unfortunately :(

Question is if when and how best to split.

Don’t accept gift money meanwhile if you are not prepared to see it as team money.

As an aside would it be enough to improve your life though - could you cut your hours, could it come in smaller monthly amounts to allow this or cover a cleaner or both etc would you resent him less if it reduced pressure on you.

Oh and what do you parents think of him?

@Bhappy12

Yabu. When you marry someone you literally promise to give them half of everything you own and will own for the duration of that marriage. It doesn't matter that your parents gave you the money, it doesn't matter that you feel you bring more to the marriage. You made a moral and (more importantly) legal promise when you got married.

That's not always in the vows these days.

Deprivation of assets only comes into play if you know, at the time of gifting, that you are likely to need care (e.g. have early dementia, a serious diagnosis etc). Otherwise you can give away all your money.

I'm not that sympathetic - you gamed the system to avoid inheritance tax,

Giving a gift in life f is not gaming the system.

@SallyA1976

Thanks everyone - it's helpful to read all the responses. My husband by no means sacrificed anything to look after children - so in terms of a setup whereby the woman sacrifices her career to look after the children - then assets should be split regardless of who earns what. Quite rightly! We don't have that situation. The career sacrafice has been mine and includes 4 years where I had to quit my job (I was constructively dismissed due to having a baby), retrain, and start over again returning straight away as the highest earner due to how hard I worked at my new career. So the work sacrifice has still been mine but I've worked so hard to get back out there. I'm also the dominant parent and the kids go to. I worked hard in my new career to provide for my family as in my house, I'm the 'provider' and I accept that role. But it eats at me the more time goes on. I don't agree that it is acceptable to not try to progress at work and thereby not be able to afford things for your kids, or to let your wife or husband take that over that role unless there is good reason like young children etc. As the breadwinner, and the dominant parent I'm exhausted with obligation but my husband can pick and choose. I don't think that's fair.

But you aren’t the sole ‘provider’, your parents provided £200k to enable you to buy a much bigger house than you could afford.

@notthe1Parrot

Deprivation of assets only comes into play if you know, at the time of gifting, that you are likely to need care (e.g. have early dementia, a serious diagnosis etc). Otherwise you can give away all your money.

Not correct. If you're 85, the chances of you needing some sort of care within a few years is far greater than if you’re 65.

@moynomore

I'm not that sympathetic - you gamed the system to avoid inheritance tax,

Giving a gift in life f is not gaming the system.

The OP said they did it to avoid paying iHT. Therefore they have ‘gamed’ the system. A system set up by the wealthy to benefit the wealthy.

If you where to divorce your husband would there be enough assets to rehouse both of of you and your husband be able to afford living expenses from his salary? He could potentially end up with a larger share due to needs? Also was the conversation about a further family gift verbal or in writing that he could prove you are likely to end up with more money? Divorce in England, if you are UK based, is based on needs. The starting point is 50/50. Not necessarily a straight split if one earns significantly more than the other . Perhaps your main concern here is whether to split sooner rather than later.

why dont you move to a smaller/cheaper house- not sure how a 200k deposit plus a high salary mortgage - and you want more money from your parents?

why cant you live within your joint means - as thats what a partnership does- this isnt news? i dont know anyone who was 'given 200k for a deposit......
wtf are you spending all the money on??? not really asking just think you are looking at it from a strange angle- of you want your dh to chnage to be someone different then its not likely to happen - what does he say if you push him to work more/change job etc?

people are entitled to have different work drives/ethics but usually this is fairly noticable ......if you are changing the goalposts then you need to have that conversation - I know i said it was ok for you to stick in your poorly paid job but I've changed my mind .....

many people work in poorly paid jobs that offer little scope for income improvement or want to - eg care workers etc does that mean they shouldnt marry people who earn more?

at least own it...
if he doesnt want to /isnt capable of change then you'll either continue to be unhappy/resentful or split up so you dont feel that and can benefit from your parents tax avoidance/iht planning

With a big cash hand out of £200k, surely your husband didn’t need to work as much? It’s a bit odd to take a massive payment like that and wonder why your husband hasn’t been ambitious when you have a nice house and your children already have one parent that works hard. You can look back in resentment but having 2 parents working their arses off to make ends meet is far from ideal either, just think yourself lucky and move on.

I'm like your husband except I don't do jobs I hate.
Seems like the two of you are incompatable.
Shame it's taken you 10 years to twig on
Not a lot of sympathy. Next time make sure you like who the guy is before getting too involved.
Promotion and money means nothing to many people, they value other things in life.

Age UK and Which have a lot of information about deprivation of assets.

Divorce in England, if you are UK based, is based on needs. The starting point is 50/50. Not necessarily a straight split if one earns significantly more than the other.

This is not true these days. The state will expect each party to work and support themselves. The only cases where one party may receive more is where they have clearly sacrificed their earning potential to support their partner - eg have stopped work for several years to care for young children with a corresponding impact on earning potential. The courts will not simply award a higher share of assets solely to "even out" a lower earner unless its clear that their reduced earnings are directly related to sacrifices made for the family.