To be concerned about my parents early inheritance

[SallyA1976]

Hi All - 8 years ago, I received my inheritance from my parents of about 200k as a gift which enabled myself and my husband to buy a house. This was early (my parents are alive) and given to me to avoid inheritance tax and in a period where I needed it the most. The mortgage was agreed on my high salary at the time plus this deposit from my parents. My husband is on a substantially lower income with no ambition to increase it (he is not driven by money, hates his job - sees no reason to work for money or promotion, etc). We're 10 years married and the cracks are starting to show. I realise that if we did part, I would lose half of my parent's inheritance - yet he would receive his full inheritance in time from his elderly parents when they pass. Nothing I can do about that - I know, however, I am so resentful of it largely as well because of my husband's unwillingness to provide financially for us.

My parents also want to gift us more money now - and my husband is aware of that. AIBU to bring up my concerns? We could use the extra money - I just wish I could ringfence it so in the event of a divorce. It would mostly still come to me.

If you keep any gifts from your parents in your name, it will make it easier to claim they are non-matrimonial assets in the case of a divorce. Once they are "mingled", it becomes much harder.
If you do divorce, you could probably keep any inheritance/financial "gifts" as long as your dh's needs could be met without recourse to them. Marital Causes Act 1973: the court can consider "the income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future".

Does your dh know how you feel? Is it worth trying couples therapy together if cracks are starting to show?

@skirk64

Look at this from the other way round, if a man was a high earner and had been given money by his parents to buy a home, if his wife was earning little or nothing and they decided to divorce - everyone would be arguing the wife was entitled to half.

It's the same situation here. You got married, you share things equally. He may or may not get an inheritance in later life - you don't know for sure until the money is in the account.

I'm not that sympathetic - you gamed the system to avoid inheritance tax, now you're upset you can't game the system to cheat your husband out of his fair share.

Yes this.

OP - As several PP have said you need good Legal Advice, because I think the advice to tell your parents to keep the money until you split up is dangerous, your H already knows about the proposed gift so even if your parents decide to wait he could still have a legitimate claim to it even if you received it after the divorce. I don't know how to do a link but the caselaw was Wyatt v Vince.

This is my experience of getting divorced from my (abusive & lazy) xh after inheriting £150k from my grandparents. This was around 20 years ago now.

My divorce was horrendous and xh did everything possible to slow it down and be awkward. He didn't earn enough to support our family and I have always worked too. At that time I was earning more working part time than he did working nights. And he was always in and out of work, and then once my inheritance came through he just stopped working!!

When we went to court for the financials the was amazing! I really felt like I was going to take a financial bashing but the judge was massively fair (well I thought so anyway!) and took into account that the inheritance had come from my grandparent, and that xh had benefited from it and it was all taken into account on the financial split.

I'll be honest, I was pretty surprised but then my solicitor was amazing and she got me a really strong barrister.

QioiioiioQ
I was thinking the same.
It's easy to be unmotivated by money when someone else is providing the money.

@MatildaTheCat

Interesting question as we are about to do similar with our son who is unmarried. Definitely get legal advice on whether you can ringfence the money to come. Unfortunately I imagine the initial sum, unless specified may be subject to a 50/50 split but I may be wrong.

Good luck with sorting it out.

@MatildaTheCat: re your unmarried son, the funds would be assets before marriage so you would be in a better situation

Hi OP,

If there is any chance that you will divorce, DO NOT let your parents gift you any more money. My friend had to give her ex half of everything, (including an inheritance which came while they were in the process of divorcing - he stalled the process for 3 years to ensure maximum cash to him) in spite of him having a highly lucrative career and her being the MAIN and still RESIDENT parent - divorce courts always look after the "lower earner" even if the lower earner has never, ever, taken care of the children.

I totally agree with a man or woman who is the SAHP or takes a low paid PT job to raise DC or care for ill DC, getting half (or more, if they end up as Resident parent and continue to care for the DC the majority of the time). BUT, this legal protection for those who should get this, is abused by those who should not get it.

@LolaSmiles

Very few people get anywhere near 200k from their parents and you are still talking about grabbing more off yours. That's uncalled for. If someone's parents are fortunate and generous, why shouldn't they support their children?

I hate this resentment growing in me but feel powerless to do anything about it. I feel overworked and I can see that my husband isn't. And because that is a daily observation, it's always at the forefront of my mind
The resentment is there because you are carrying the mental load. The financial load for the family is falling on you. The emotional load of the children comes to you. The day to day running of the home is a load that is falling on you. The long term planning and logistics for the family is on your shoulders.

Meanwhile your husband claims he isn't motivated motivated money, doesn't want to earn any more, and doesn't pull his weight around the house, and is seemingly quite content to watch you run yourself into the ground.
That's why there is resentment. You deserve better

Wise words from LolaSmiles here. You deserve better, and seeing as you’re the one with the get up and go, you should start making plans to do just that

@SkodaKodiaq

Deprivation of assets is unlikely to be relevant here. It comes into play when someone gives away all or most of their assets, leaving no money to fund care. I think it's safe to assume in this case OP parents have a bit more money.

@tara66

My experience with Trusts is they cannot be relied on in UK to protect assets in the case of divorce.

OP your in the same position my friend was and she had a break down because of it. He really screwed her over in the divorce. Honestly you need to speak to some one about protecting your assets.

Not sure what happened there with quoting some ones post!

While there is no excuse for DH not doing his share of looking after DC and household chores your main motivator for leaving him seems to be his lack of earning potential.

Ask your parents not to gift you any more money at present. Come up with a plausible reason to tell your DH - and indeed your parents, if you’re uncomfortable telling them about your marriage problems.

Then get legal advice!

Not totally on point, but .... I’m assuming you’re in the UK .... You can’t actually gift that amount of money to someone. There’s a limit of £3000 per year, it’s aimed at stopping those trying to avoid paying inheritance tax. If the ‘gifter’ dies within 7 years of giving, then the ‘giftee ’ must pay inheritance tax.

re your unmarried son, the funds would be assets before marriage so you would be in a better situation

Only in Scotland. Everything becomes marital property in England and Wales.

You need to speak privately with your parents and let them know that the marriage is not stable. There's every chance your DH could just to decide to accept the money on behalf of both of you. And at least that extra money will come in handy after the divorce.

As far as future inheritances go, the money will probably end up with your DC's anyway, or some of it. You can't let that kind of thing hold you back from making the right move for you.

Make sure you can prove that he has not been the primary carer. People lie during divorces if there's going to be a financial benefit. You'll lose some of your money anyway but it might be worth it to be rid of this guy. And how did I guess after several "poor bloke, poor SAHD who sacrificed everything" posts he'd turn out to be another feckless cocklodger...

@Blindstupid

Not totally on point, but .... I’m assuming you’re in the UK .... You can’t actually gift that amount of money to someone. There’s a limit of £3000 per year, it’s aimed at stopping those trying to avoid paying inheritance tax. If the ‘gifter’ dies within 7 years of giving, then the ‘giftee ’ must pay inheritance tax.

You can gift any amount you like. It only becomes subject to inheritance tax if you die within seven years.

And for all the pearl clutchers gasping about OP “gaming the system”, give me a fucking break. The system gains us, and is extraordinarily hard on middle class home owners. 40% is absolutely outrageous and I would absolutely gift my children money so they could get on the property ladder without an iota of shame

your main motivator for leaving him seems to be his lack of earning potential

Can't you see how that would be frustrating? She's the breadwinner and still the default parent, and he's contributing next to nothing. That basically makes him a parasite.

@Blindstupid

Not totally on point, but .... I’m assuming you’re in the UK .... You can’t actually gift that amount of money to someone. There’s a limit of £3000 per year, it’s aimed at stopping those trying to avoid paying inheritance tax. If the ‘gifter’ dies within 7 years of giving, then the ‘giftee ’ must pay inheritance tax.

You can give away as much as you like.

And inheritance tax comes into play after £325k

I honestly think you're confusing two issues here. The money/financial entanglement of marriage and the entirely separate issue of your husbands choice to watch you contribute more than you can reasonably give whilst he contributes less than he reasonable should.

You haven't said if you've spoken to your husband about this or not, but if you have and he's made no effort take some of the load from you, and you ultimately end up getting divorced then I think you have to accept that the price you paid is likely to be a 50/50 starting point of all assets upon separation. I imagine its galling to "loose" your parents money, but, ultimately, that's how marriage works.

In the long run, of course, it's very likely that the money will ultimately end up with your kids anyway, so although you may loose out, its not like it's gone forever.

While there is no excuse for DH not doing his share of looking after DC and household chores your main motivator for leaving him seems to be his lack of earning potential
Her main motivator seems to be that she is in a marriage with a man who has zero desire to contribute fairly to the household in any area, whilst being all too happy to watch his wife run herself into the ground.

I know, however, I am so resentful of it largely as well because of my husband's unwillingness to provide financially for us.

Is this because this is what you think a man should do? If you're the high earner, and presumably work long hours with more responsibility etc, does your DH pick up a lot of the "wifework"? (He obviously should, but maybe he doesn't).

Can you work on that aspect of things?

So he was the sole earner for 4 years and you were a SAHP?

It's all irrelevant really. Whether you're right or wrong in how you feel, if you're constantly resenting someone it isn't healthy and definitely not worth staying with them over money. Happiness comes at a cost.

Hang on though, if you had the house with deposit of £200k and decent mortgage, was it worth 4, 5, 6 hundred thousand then? So in 10 years it will have gone up loads in value potentially....probably get your £200000 back, just lost the interest as it were over the years due to inflation, just happens that he will have gained too doesn't it?