To be concerned about my parents early inheritance

[SallyA1976]

Hi All - 8 years ago, I received my inheritance from my parents of about 200k as a gift which enabled myself and my husband to buy a house. This was early (my parents are alive) and given to me to avoid inheritance tax and in a period where I needed it the most. The mortgage was agreed on my high salary at the time plus this deposit from my parents. My husband is on a substantially lower income with no ambition to increase it (he is not driven by money, hates his job - sees no reason to work for money or promotion, etc). We're 10 years married and the cracks are starting to show. I realise that if we did part, I would lose half of my parent's inheritance - yet he would receive his full inheritance in time from his elderly parents when they pass. Nothing I can do about that - I know, however, I am so resentful of it largely as well because of my husband's unwillingness to provide financially for us.

My parents also want to gift us more money now - and my husband is aware of that. AIBU to bring up my concerns? We could use the extra money - I just wish I could ringfence it so in the event of a divorce. It would mostly still come to me.

Kind of sad to read this. If the amount of money your partner gains from you bothers you, it's time to go separate ways.

'Breadwinner','exhausted with obligation',dominant parent'.
Dearie me, you do feel a bit sorry for yourself considering you've had a 200k leg up from your parents. Most people aren't so lucky.

I don’t know all the legalities but would imagine that you can’t do much about the £200k now. However, I think that any new money you receive as a gift would be seen as yours in the event of a divorce as long as you keep it separate from any joint accounts/anything you finance jointly to benefit your household.

I am in a similar sort of situation in that my parents gifted me a large sum of money as early inheritance but I have kept it completely separate (in any case DH and I do not have a joint account). I am lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it!) in that DH has always been very (too) motivated by money, so has his own ample savings and investments. I know that he would therefore not go after my money in the event of a separation/divorce as he would have far more to lose than I would.

OP hasn't said which country she lives in, so well meaning posters may be offering completely inaccurate advice

The previous gift from your parents was a gift, not an inheritance. Was it gifted to you and your DH, or to you alone?

Future gifts, could they go directly into a trust for your child(ren)?

Would he want the money ? maybe he would see it as fair for him not to ahem any of the 200k?

As the breadwinner, and the dominant parent I'm exhausted with obligation but my husband can pick and choose. I don't think that's fair.
I agree with you. It's fine for adults to structure their finances and domestic life how they want as long as everyone is on board. It's unreasonable for a situation to arise where one person ends up taking on all the burden (financial, domestic, or both) by default because the other person is unwilling to do their share.
All this "if the shoe was on the other foot" doesn't work for me because I feel the same about situations where a couple decide it's right to have a SAHP/WOHP arrangement for several years, and then as the years roll on the SAHP has absolutely zero intention of ever picking up some of the household's financial responsibility. I feel the same about situations where one parent ends up working full time and doing all the chores because the other can't be arsed and wants their hobby time.

If your parents are very wealthy and you have doubts about your marriage then your parents need professional legal and financial advice.

You are being exploited in this relationship OP and it would be in your interest to terminate it

@notanothertakeaway

OP hasn't said which country she lives in, so well meaning posters may be offering completely inaccurate advice

The previous gift from your parents was a gift, not an inheritance. Was it gifted to you and your DH, or to you alone?

Future gifts, could they go directly into a trust for your child(ren)?

Thanks for your reply - it was gifted just to me and that is in writing.

Also, why is it your husband's responsibility to 'provide' for the family?

?

I think you should see a solicitor asap. If you want to keep this private from your husband, you could ask your mum if she'd help pay for this.

@skirk64

Look at this from the other way round, if a man was a high earner and had been given money by his parents to buy a home, if his wife was earning little or nothing and they decided to divorce - everyone would be arguing the wife was entitled to half.

It's the same situation here. You got married, you share things equally. He may or may not get an inheritance in later life - you don't know for sure until the money is in the account.

I'm not that sympathetic - you gamed the system to avoid inheritance tax, now you're upset you can't game the system to cheat your husband out of his fair share.

Agree with this

@Supersimkin2

Also, why is it your husband's responsibility to 'provide' for the family?

?

It's not, it's my responsibility to provide for the family. When I say 'responsibility' it's because I'm the only one that can make enough money to pay the mortgage etc. so it has fallen to me.

it was gifted just to me and that is in writing

Whereupon you invested it in a marital asset, at which point it became jointly owned.

Your DH might not have any inheritance because his parents might use it for care home fees rather than allowing the state to fund it for them.

Very few people get anywhere near 200k from their parents and you are still talking about grabbing more off yours.

Yabu. When you marry someone you literally promise to give them half of everything you own and will own for the duration of that marriage. It doesn't matter that your parents gave you the money, it doesn't matter that you feel you bring more to the marriage. You made a moral and (more importantly) legal promise when you got married.

I believe that provided there are no illnesses requiring care when the gift is made then it doesn't count as 'deprivation of assets'.
However if a diagnosis has been already been made and money that could be used for future care is then gifted away, that is 'deprivation of assets'.

That a bit unfair, she's not grabbing, looks like ops parents want to help.

Whether you can ringfence it, and how you can ringfence it, will depend on what you want to spend it on.

@Bhappy12

Yabu. When you marry someone you literally promise to give them half of everything you own and will own for the duration of that marriage. It doesn't matter that your parents gave you the money, it doesn't matter that you feel you bring more to the marriage. You made a moral and (more importantly) legal promise when you got married.

Thanks Bhappy - I don't disagree with this at all and I take my wedding vows very seriously. I hate this resentment growing in me but feel powerless to do anything about it. I feel overworked and I can see that my husband isn't. And because that is a daily observation, it's always at the forefront of my mind.

I think you need to speak to your parents and explain the situation and if you are waiting to divorce, get them to say they are going to be a property in Spain or whatever to explain not giving you further money.

I would then see a solicitor ASAP for detailed advice on how to protect yourself and your assets. It sounds like your DH isn’t pulling his weight either financially or at home and you have had enough and need to start thinking about an exit strategy

Divorce him now and have done with it.

you should probably get legal advice

Very few people get anywhere near 200k from their parents and you are still talking about grabbing more off yours.
That's uncalled for. If someone's parents are fortunate and generous, why shouldn't they support their children?

I hate this resentment growing in me but feel powerless to do anything about it. I feel overworked and I can see that my husband isn't. And because that is a daily observation, it's always at the forefront of my mind
The resentment is there because you are carrying the mental load. The financial load for the family is falling on you. The emotional load of the children comes to you. The day to day running of the home is a load that is falling on you. The long term planning and logistics for the family is on your shoulders.

Meanwhile your husband claims he isn't motivated motivated money, doesn't want to earn any more, and doesn't pull his weight around the house, and is seemingly quite content to watch you run yourself into the ground.
That's why there is resentment. You deserve better

OP, you would lose half the early inheritance but the fact that you were able to buy a much more expensive house than you could without the gift means that you will have benefited considerably from house price inflation too, so you are still much better off, perhaps more than £200k than you would have been without the gift.

He says he's not money motivated but he's sticking with his sugar mummy isn't he....