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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raging at crazy-rude party guest! Talk me down ladies.

282 replies

WoolyMammoth55 · 24/05/2021 20:15

Ok it's long, forgive me - need to unburden!

My DS's 5th birthday was this past weekend. We'd been hoping for a gathering in the garden in nice weather but the forecast was right and it was tipping down so we did a very small indoors thing instead. Shame because his last birthday was in full lockdown so had hoped for a nicer party but hey ho. We knew it was weather dependent so only invited the indoors-scenario people, but were hoping to add on others if it was sunny, and couldn't.

We have smaller kids including a very young baby, so the morning of the party was hectic. Trying to make the place look nice and get presentable while unwrapping presents and wrangling the kids - we could of used help from several nannies and cleaners! Kept on top of the downstairs but upstairs was a disaster zone. But DS had a nice morning, which was obviously the main thing.

DS's best bud has separated parents who are amicable. I am friends with the mum and have had playdates at her house, but only know the dad in passing. He's been to our house a few times but just to collect his son - we've never been invited to his. He didn't make it onto the tiny indoors guest list, but he called me in the morning - I was worried it was to say his DS couldn't come, which would have ruined it for mine! - but instead he was wrangling an invite. In the moment under pressure I said yes, that he could swing by towards the end - sort of thought he wanted to see the kids enjoying themselves or whatever.

So here's the thing: having been a CF and invited himself, does he behave well? HELL NO. Came earlier than I expected and totally empty-handed, not even a card for my son. Then get this - disappeared upstairs with the boys (who I'd told 'no going upstairs', but before he came) and stayed up there for ages, until eventually his ex went upstairs to get them down. No way he didn't get an eye-full of my dirty laundry (literally).

I am so furious and mortified. My unmade bed, my discarded towel, my nightie! I realise in a perfect world it would have been tidy but honestly at one point I didn't think I'd have time to shower...

We have had the situation at other play dates when the kids run off upstairs and I would NEVER follow without asking - what was he thinking?

Since then he's distinguished himself again by being the only guest not to say thanks for a lovely party. Nada from this guy. Unless he was raised by wolves then there's no mitigating circs that I can see and I think I might have to say something if I'm going to have to keep being civil to him.

Am I missing something? Is it not really that bad? And is it pointless saying anything? Urgh just want to throw up thinking about him poking around my bedroom!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 26/05/2021 05:19

It's worth investigating what was going on up there in the master bedroom, @SaturdayRocks.

Why couldn't he have sexually assaulted one or both of the boys? He was alone in a bedroom. He knew one of the parents was stuck downstairs with a breastfeeding baby. The other parent was entertaining people downstairs with wine. He had already tested the boundaries of the OP with his very brazen extraction of an invitation to the party.
Also I've realised that what I'm really angry about is that I said yes when he asked point blank if he could come. I should have said no. I don't really like him and he made me feel uncomfortable and that's on me for being polite instead of being strong.

I'd like to know what it is that makes the OP not like him.
Someone asking point blank to come to an event where there are small children, and then disappearing with two of them upstairs for a long time is either gauche to the point where they barely function in polite society or up to no good.

He was upstairs so long, taking the DS away from his own party, incidentally, that his exP had to go upstairs to get them all down.

I think @WoolyMammoth55 needs to find out whose idea it was to go upstairs, and she needs to find out what the games were that they were playing.

I would never, ever let my son go to play with his friend if this man is to be supervising them.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 26/05/2021 05:24

It's really, definitely weird that he followed the kids into your bedroom and stayed in there with them instead of bringing them downstairs. Really weird. The rest of it is not though.

mainsfed · 26/05/2021 05:42

Also I've realised that what I'm really angry about is that I said yes when he asked point blank if he could come. I should have said no. I don't really like him and he made me feel uncomfortable and that's on me for being polite instead of being strong. Thanks ladies! Will do better.

This is the crux of it, you need to be more assertive. Due to covid, you had perfectly opportunity to say no, that it's a very small party.

Now the drawbridge has been raised he will expect to come again so be prepated to say no.

EverythingWasGolden · 26/05/2021 06:46

Oh come ON can people stop suggesting he is a paedophile.

It's unfair in the extreme and is based on absolutely zero evidence except he has a penis and was out of sight with some children including his own.

If that's the bar for suspicion of sexual assault of a child I'm glad I'm inside my own head and not yours.

chickenyhead · 26/05/2021 07:35

Oh come ON...

I don't care whether it is a nan or a woman, if I nstinctively don't like them and they show such a lack of self awareness, as to isolate themselves alone with my child in my most private sanctuary, without considering the multitude of boundaries crossed, then I am not going to blindly trust that they have innocent intent.

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 07:42

as to isolate themselves alone with my child in my most private sanctuary

You mean he went upstairs, after his own child.

The dramatics on here are something else. 🙄

chickenyhead · 26/05/2021 07:46

So is the ignorance

EverythingWasGolden · 26/05/2021 07:53

So is the crazy

longwayoff · 26/05/2021 07:59

You'd be amazed by how some men behave without adult eyes on them. Don't let him into your house again and never leave your child under his supervision.

mainsfed · 26/05/2021 08:00

@chickenyhead

Oh come ON...

I don't care whether it is a nan or a woman, if I nstinctively don't like them and they show such a lack of self awareness, as to isolate themselves alone with my child in my most private sanctuary, without considering the multitude of boundaries crossed, then I am not going to blindly trust that they have innocent intent.

100%

Telling women to ignore their instincts is shitty.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/05/2021 08:02

It is not so ridiculous to wonder whether or not the man had dodgy intentions - after all, many children suffer from CSA at the hands of their father.
Equally there are many fathers who would be completely trustworthy with their own and other children.

OP (and other posters) aren't to know which type this man is - so no point in being rude about anyone suggesting it, it IS a possibility.

MadinMarch · 26/05/2021 08:19

Raging at? Crazy rude?
No justification whatsoever for either of these.
I think you need to get a serious grip.

mainsfed · 26/05/2021 08:21

I think get a grip and RTFT.

DinoHat · 26/05/2021 08:49

Man entertains young DC whilst mother sits and feeds her newborn.

Sounds like a gent to me.

Wheresthetimegone · 26/05/2021 08:57

I'm with you 100%

I have 4 teenage children, always had a very "busy house", always hosted the lions share of the play days. In all that time, Never has any grown up gone up my stairs, I'd have been mortified too if they had. And I would have found it difficult to get them back down once they were up there.

Yes he was cheeky for asking for the invite.
Yes he was cheeky for turning up empty handed and then drinking lots of your wine.
He obv saw it an an excuse for an afternoon out.
Lesson learnt, he won't ever get a foot in your home again.

Sounds like you put in a lot of hard work for the day to make it special.

I now have the time that I didn't seem to have when mine were growing up. I'd give anything right now to be hosting a party for a 5 year old.

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 09:02

Gent or Paedo?

Welcome to mumsnet!

longwayoff · 26/05/2021 09:04

My friend's lovely neighbour who went to work whilst her equally charming husband looked after their children invited her daughter to play with their children. Just once, after which time and with no explanation, the daughter refused to cross their doorstep. Twenty five years later she finally told her mother why. Don't leave your children unsupervised with people you don't know well.

Luddite26 · 26/05/2021 09:29

Definitely strange behaviour.
My thoughts
1 what sort of person follows 2 children upstairs in someone else's house and stays upstairs with them.
If someone doesn't want to be accused of being a paedo then don't put yourself in the firing line.

  1. You should have got someone to tell them to come down the second you realised that were up there you had already said not to go up.
I would be worried that he had done anything blatantly under your noses.
  1. Obsessing over him not bringing a card/gift ridiculous when his child had.
  1. Is he intimidating to his ex why he demanded to be there. Was he in her face making her feel uncomfortable? You should ask her.
I would have been a physical wreck had my ex turned up at a child's party i had taken a child to and i wouldn't be coming to yours again feeling you had pulled a weird little stunt.
Luddite26 · 26/05/2021 09:37

And alcohol at children's parties i have always found that sad and sleazy that you can't go without for a couple of hours. How desperate are people.

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2021 09:49

1 what sort of person follows 2 children upstairs in someone else's house and stays upstairs with them.If someone doesn't want to be accused of being a paedo then don't put yourself in the firing line

It was his own child! Christ the hysteria is something to behold. And I’d totally go and supervise my five year old daughter rather than leave her alone upstairs in a strange house as would my husband,, and if anyone called us a paedo for it, they would be rhe one with the issue.

Yes he should have said “I’m just going to check on the kids” but it’s arguable if he should have brought them down and not played with rhem upstairs, as there was lots of drinking going on and the kids had buggered off and no one else went after them then maybe having some quiet time was what rhe needed.

Wheresthetimegone · 26/05/2021 09:58

Luddite26
'And alcohol at children's parties i have always found that sad and sleazy that you can't go without for a couple of hours. How desperate are people'

Please explain why adults having wine at a children's party is sad and sleazy ??? Have I missed something here ?
Did the adults get shit faced and have an orgy??

PaperbackRider · 26/05/2021 10:06

@Luddite26

And alcohol at children's parties i have always found that sad and sleazy that you can't go without for a couple of hours. How desperate are people.
I've always found that people who say this sort of thing are uptight nightmares who shouldn't go to any parties at all.
SaturdayRocks · 26/05/2021 10:10

@Luddite26

And alcohol at children's parties i have always found that sad and sleazy that you can't go without for a couple of hours. How desperate are people.
😂 It’s just wine, not Armageddon.
gamerchick · 26/05/2021 10:13

was his own child! Christ the hysteria is something to behold. And I’d totally go and supervise my five year old daughter rather than leave her alone upstairs in a strange house as would my husband,, and if anyone called us a paedo for it, they would be rhe one with the issue

Personally I wouldnt allow my child to go upstairs in someone else's house. It's rude without an ok from the host and even ruder to think it's ok to follow them up to 'supervise'.

Luddite26 · 26/05/2021 10:19

Yes just wine so leave it alone for a couple of hours.

Probably am uptight about alcohol round kids from first husband being a complete alcoholic it doesn't mix with kids but heyho different experiences and opinions.

Go after the kids and bring them back down. Not normal behaviou for adults to linger about in other peoples bedrooms with any kids.
That's not hysteria it's knowing what's acceptable. Must be nice when people can be so trusting.