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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raging at crazy-rude party guest! Talk me down ladies.

282 replies

WoolyMammoth55 · 24/05/2021 20:15

Ok it's long, forgive me - need to unburden!

My DS's 5th birthday was this past weekend. We'd been hoping for a gathering in the garden in nice weather but the forecast was right and it was tipping down so we did a very small indoors thing instead. Shame because his last birthday was in full lockdown so had hoped for a nicer party but hey ho. We knew it was weather dependent so only invited the indoors-scenario people, but were hoping to add on others if it was sunny, and couldn't.

We have smaller kids including a very young baby, so the morning of the party was hectic. Trying to make the place look nice and get presentable while unwrapping presents and wrangling the kids - we could of used help from several nannies and cleaners! Kept on top of the downstairs but upstairs was a disaster zone. But DS had a nice morning, which was obviously the main thing.

DS's best bud has separated parents who are amicable. I am friends with the mum and have had playdates at her house, but only know the dad in passing. He's been to our house a few times but just to collect his son - we've never been invited to his. He didn't make it onto the tiny indoors guest list, but he called me in the morning - I was worried it was to say his DS couldn't come, which would have ruined it for mine! - but instead he was wrangling an invite. In the moment under pressure I said yes, that he could swing by towards the end - sort of thought he wanted to see the kids enjoying themselves or whatever.

So here's the thing: having been a CF and invited himself, does he behave well? HELL NO. Came earlier than I expected and totally empty-handed, not even a card for my son. Then get this - disappeared upstairs with the boys (who I'd told 'no going upstairs', but before he came) and stayed up there for ages, until eventually his ex went upstairs to get them down. No way he didn't get an eye-full of my dirty laundry (literally).

I am so furious and mortified. My unmade bed, my discarded towel, my nightie! I realise in a perfect world it would have been tidy but honestly at one point I didn't think I'd have time to shower...

We have had the situation at other play dates when the kids run off upstairs and I would NEVER follow without asking - what was he thinking?

Since then he's distinguished himself again by being the only guest not to say thanks for a lovely party. Nada from this guy. Unless he was raised by wolves then there's no mitigating circs that I can see and I think I might have to say something if I'm going to have to keep being civil to him.

Am I missing something? Is it not really that bad? And is it pointless saying anything? Urgh just want to throw up thinking about him poking around my bedroom!

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 13:13

From the OP

in the moment under pressure I said yes, that he could swing by towards the end

Yes he was invited

Giantrooster · 26/05/2021 13:15

This is the weirdest most OTT thread, drama inducing hand-wringing slanderous bullsshit.

If you really want some more drama, how about the breastfeeding bottle-swinging adults downstairs not supervising the 5 year old shock horror being upstairs in their own hazardous home Hmm.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/05/2021 13:15

So? Agreeing to have him there is an invite. He was married to her kid’s best friend’s mum, he’s not Bob from down the road. I’m not saying it’s not a bit odd to go upstairs at a kid’s party (but let’s not forget he was going after HIS OWN KID!) but no, I’m not leaping to the conclusion that he wanted to fiddle with his own child and his child’s best friend.

chickenyhead · 26/05/2021 13:15

If you pressure someone to do something is that consent? Or manipulation?

Seriously?

Luddite26 · 26/05/2021 13:16

Op says he was a CF who wrangled an invite.
That isn't the same as being invited.

Seperated from child's mum why was he so intent to go to a 5 year olds party probably to try and get back in with ex or to intimidate her or watch how much she has to drink. Or playing mr wonderful dad look at me.
Is it really normal to invite yourself to a 5 year olds party .

SmidgenofaPigeon · 26/05/2021 13:18

@chickenyhead don’t lose your (chicken) head. We are talking about a social invite, to a gathering his child would be at, not a sinister abuse of power. I think you might need some fresh air.

chickenyhead · 26/05/2021 13:18
Hmm
TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 13:26

If you pressure someone to do something is that consent? Or manipulation?

OP, this breaking and entering, wine withholding, Paedo should certainly be behind bars by now. Tell me you’ve alerted the police.

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 13:28

This is the weirdest most OTT thread, drama inducing hand-wringing slanderous bullsshit.

I feel like keeping a copy to remind myself, should I ever question it, that yes MN really is this batshit.

misspattylacosta · 26/05/2021 13:32

But that's the beauty of MN Grin

if it was designed for sensible, reasonable and respectful posters, it would have long gone bust.

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 13:34

So true Grin

Original poster
WoolyMammoth55 · 26/05/2021 13:41

Just popping on to say Flowers Flowers Flowers thank you to all who took the time to read and respond.

Also many thanks to the genius comedians amongst you who have had me proper belly laughing - for gods sake write some comedy novels you guys! I need beach reading for 2024... :)

Appreciate the vigilance from all who have their child-safety hats on and are flagging up that something bad could have happened to the children. Please know that I would not let my kid be in any danger. I trust this guy based on how great my friend and his kid are, both of whom I know well, and the fact that she is happily co-parenting with him. DS was radiating joy and excitement all day, before and after the upstairs incident. I think this is about rudeness (arguably!) but not about CSA.

@MisdemeanourOnTheFloor totally nailed it about the breastfeeding and the hormones: I think your protective/lioness/get out of my cave instincts are in overdrive. Looking back I think that's the crux of why I felt so 'raging' when I posted, and why the group consensus on me getting a grip was so helpful!

@Devlesko thanks for the suggestion about assertiveness coaching, I think that'd probably actually be really helpful to me and will definitely look into doing it.

Special big thanks to @ExhaustedFlamingo because that was a lovely thing to say, and felt like getting a mumsnet hug! Bless you

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 26/05/2021 14:12

@WoolyMammoth55

Ok it's long, forgive me - need to unburden!

My DS's 5th birthday was this past weekend. We'd been hoping for a gathering in the garden in nice weather but the forecast was right and it was tipping down so we did a very small indoors thing instead. Shame because his last birthday was in full lockdown so had hoped for a nicer party but hey ho. We knew it was weather dependent so only invited the indoors-scenario people, but were hoping to add on others if it was sunny, and couldn't.

We have smaller kids including a very young baby, so the morning of the party was hectic. Trying to make the place look nice and get presentable while unwrapping presents and wrangling the kids - we could of used help from several nannies and cleaners! Kept on top of the downstairs but upstairs was a disaster zone. But DS had a nice morning, which was obviously the main thing.

DS's best bud has separated parents who are amicable. I am friends with the mum and have had playdates at her house, but only know the dad in passing. He's been to our house a few times but just to collect his son - we've never been invited to his. He didn't make it onto the tiny indoors guest list, but he called me in the morning - I was worried it was to say his DS couldn't come, which would have ruined it for mine! - but instead he was wrangling an invite. In the moment under pressure I said yes, that he could swing by towards the end - sort of thought he wanted to see the kids enjoying themselves or whatever.

So here's the thing: having been a CF and invited himself, does he behave well? HELL NO. Came earlier than I expected and totally empty-handed, not even a card for my son. Then get this - disappeared upstairs with the boys (who I'd told 'no going upstairs', but before he came) and stayed up there for ages, until eventually his ex went upstairs to get them down. No way he didn't get an eye-full of my dirty laundry (literally).

I am so furious and mortified. My unmade bed, my discarded towel, my nightie! I realise in a perfect world it would have been tidy but honestly at one point I didn't think I'd have time to shower...

We have had the situation at other play dates when the kids run off upstairs and I would NEVER follow without asking - what was he thinking?

Since then he's distinguished himself again by being the only guest not to say thanks for a lovely party. Nada from this guy. Unless he was raised by wolves then there's no mitigating circs that I can see and I think I might have to say something if I'm going to have to keep being civil to him.

Am I missing something? Is it not really that bad? And is it pointless saying anything? Urgh just want to throw up thinking about him poking around my bedroom!

Wow you have changed your tune OPGrin.
CharityDingle · 26/05/2021 15:49

If you don't already have one, get a stair gate. It will be handy anyway once both of your children are on the move, and will definitely be handy for heading off a situation like this.
I wouldn't have wanted him upstairs either. I would have called the children down, nicely but firmly, you had already said to them that they were not to go upstairs. Children will naturally get a bit overexcited, and forget, and that's absolutely to be expected.

He would have had no choice then but to get back downstairs. He was bad mannered to have presumed it was okay to follow the children upstairs when he isn't a friend or someone that you are comfortable with.
It's not about confrontation or assertiveness in my opinion, just call the situation, firmly and fairly at the time. And create an obstacle with the stair gate. It will be useful for any future parties or play dates.

So if he starts trying to open it, there's your or your husband's opportunity to say, no the children are not to go upstairs.

Loubilou09 · 26/05/2021 16:06

Christ...where's the ending? All this drama for what?

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 16:08

All this drama for what?

Child had a nice party I presume 😆

TheKeatingFive · 26/05/2021 16:09

Oh and mum got over the horror of someone seeing her nightie but unfortunately had to buy her own wine.

EverythingWasGolden · 26/05/2021 16:45

Aw I really wanted an update to say the OP had logged it with 101 Sad

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/05/2021 16:57

Jesus, the poor op has had the piss ripped out of her on an epic scale here Hmm
Ffs.

Anjunna · 27/05/2021 01:43

WHY would any guest go up stairs, it’s just not the done thing and I certainly don’t think you have inform them of this.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 27/05/2021 01:52

It's a truth universally acknowledged ... that a thread that starts 'talk me down ladies' will be a hyperbolic mess based on the assumption 'ladies' can't cope with simple interactions without creating massive drama.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 06:58

@Anjunna

WHY would any guest go up stairs, it’s just not the done thing and I certainly don’t think you have inform them of this.
Did you not read the op? He went upstairs because his child and his friend were up there alone and no one was caring for them,
gamerchick · 27/05/2021 08:13

Then you say to the host 'the kids have gone upstairs, I'm going to go fetch mine do you want me to bring yours down with me?'

You don't just go up and stay up there. How anyone can't see how rude that is is beyond me Hmm

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2021 09:23

@gamerchick

Then you say to the host 'the kids have gone upstairs, I'm going to go fetch mine do you want me to bring yours down with me?'

You don't just go up and stay up there. How anyone can't see how rude that is is beyond me Hmm

Even if everyone was getting on it, and the kids just wanted some quiet play time?

Personally I’d put the kids first. Not the adults who let them go off alone to play unsupervised. If that makes me rude, then colour me rude. I’m all good with that.

Luddite26 · 27/05/2021 10:38

The adults weren't getting 'on it' though they were only drinking wine!

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