Raging at crazy-rude party guest! Talk me down ladies.

[WoolyMammoth55]

Ok it's long, forgive me - need to unburden!

My DS's 5th birthday was this past weekend. We'd been hoping for a gathering in the garden in nice weather but the forecast was right and it was tipping down so we did a very small indoors thing instead. Shame because his last birthday was in full lockdown so had hoped for a nicer party but hey ho. We knew it was weather dependent so only invited the indoors-scenario people, but were hoping to add on others if it was sunny, and couldn't.

We have smaller kids including a very young baby, so the morning of the party was hectic. Trying to make the place look nice and get presentable while unwrapping presents and wrangling the kids - we could of used help from several nannies and cleaners! Kept on top of the downstairs but upstairs was a disaster zone. But DS had a nice morning, which was obviously the main thing.

DS's best bud has separated parents who are amicable. I am friends with the mum and have had playdates at her house, but only know the dad in passing. He's been to our house a few times but just to collect his son - we've never been invited to his. He didn't make it onto the tiny indoors guest list, but he called me in the morning - I was worried it was to say his DS couldn't come, which would have ruined it for mine! - but instead he was wrangling an invite. In the moment under pressure I said yes, that he could swing by towards the end - sort of thought he wanted to see the kids enjoying themselves or whatever.

So here's the thing: having been a CF and invited himself, does he behave well? HELL NO. Came earlier than I expected and totally empty-handed, not even a card for my son. Then get this - disappeared upstairs with the boys (who I'd told 'no going upstairs', but before he came) and stayed up there for ages, until eventually his ex went upstairs to get them down. No way he didn't get an eye-full of my dirty laundry (literally).

I am so furious and mortified. My unmade bed, my discarded towel, my nightie! I realise in a perfect world it would have been tidy but honestly at one point I didn't think I'd have time to shower...

We have had the situation at other play dates when the kids run off upstairs and I would NEVER follow without asking - what was he thinking?

Since then he's distinguished himself again by being the only guest not to say thanks for a lovely party. Nada from this guy. Unless he was raised by wolves then there's no mitigating circs that I can see and I think I might have to say something if I'm going to have to keep being civil to him.

Am I missing something? Is it not really that bad? And is it pointless saying anything? Urgh just want to throw up thinking about him poking around my bedroom!

The OP came on here to have a bit of a rant , obviously hoping for some sympathy ~ it really doesn't matter whether she's overreacting or not.

So, what does she get ? Many posters laughing at her , sneering at her, making fun of her , calling her crazy etc. Another parade of the bored vipers

He didn't make it onto the tiny indoors guest list

Of course he didn't, because he's not 4/5 years old. At that age i.e. beyond toddler age, the other children are the guests and a parent is required to bring them and then either leave, or stay, depending on what the hosting parent asks them to do.

He was just supervising his kid, don't think he'd have even noticed a little mess. Why would you want a second card from the father when you got one of the mother

He probably has those man-vision-goggles rendering unmade beds and dirty laundry invisible.
Other than that his behaviour was annoying, but not outrageous. Why didn't you call to your son and 'remind' him that we don't bring guests upstairs when we have parties.

@BeefSupreme

maybe a bottle of wine

What kind of weirdo would bring wine to a child’s 5th birthday party?

See this would be my first though too as I find alcohol while in charge of children highly irrasponsible (too drunk to drive to drunk to be a proper gardian for a small child) but after the birthday thread the otherday it seems lots of parent self profess to being such pissheads they cant make it through a kids party or play date without a bottle of wine.

@WoolyMammoth55

It's not so much that I would think it ok as that I wouldnt think it worth getting my knickers in a twist about. And I definitely wouldnt write on mumsnet about it.

AHHHH, but that's where you're SO wrong! :) Before I wrote I was legit almost in tears about it, now I've had 100 strangers tell me (in a variety of gentle and not so much ways!) to get over myself, and I feel LOADS better! It's proper mumsnet magic, this.

Off to bed now but just for anyone still reading:

• it wasn't a rented town hall, clown for entertainment, pass the parcel kids party. It was a rainy washout with toys and balloons and the best food I could procure and booze for the grown ups! The guests all bought booze AND gifts, except him who bought nothing... If that's PatsyStone weird then so be it.
• It was after everyone left and I went up with the bubba that I found the cars they'd been playing with on my (unmade) bed. So that's when I knew they'd all been in my room and bed-adjacent and I remembered how long he'd been up there and started feeling gross. But I'm hormonal and I get that it's all wild over-reaction - YAY!
• Also I've realised that what I'm really angry about is that I said yes when he asked point blank if he could come. I should have said no. I don't really like him and he made me feel uncomfortable and that's on me for being polite instead of being strong. Thanks ladies! Will do better.

Night all, and thanks again for setting me straight :)

The only people who would be fine with this are cheeky fuckers themselves or they're lying just to be contrary/jumping on the bandwagon.

I'd go nuts if some cheeky twat did this. When I have people over there is a strict no upstairs rule and my upstairs is presentable. Also locks on the doors apart from my sons. You just don't do it.

This is a person who you don't let back in.

@niugboo

YABU if only for the reason that there’s no way that party met covid rules.

Yeah exactly, sounds like a dozen people were there at least!

@butterpuffed

The OP came on here to have a bit of a rant , obviously hoping for some sympathy ~ it really doesn't matter whether she's overreacting or not.

So, what does she get ? Many posters laughing at her , sneering at her, making fun of her , calling her crazy etc. Another parade of the bored vipers

Absolutely. . A nasty thread this is.

Are you and he subconsciously in love with one another? If not you sound far too wound up about this.

You let an adult you barely know spend time upstairs with your child?

An adult whose sense of what's appropriate seems a bit off?

You need to ask your son how the three of them ended up playing cars in your bedroom and what sort of games they played.

What is it about this man that you don't like, OP? What is it about him that makes you uncomfortable?

The OP came on here to have a bit of a rant , obviously hoping for some sympathy ~ it really doesn't matter whether she's overreacting or not. So, what does she get ? Many posters laughing at her , sneering at her, making fun of her , calling her crazy etc. Another parade of the bored vipers hmm

Whilst I don't disagree, have you read the comments about the bloke? Rude, cheeky, bullying, socially inept, borderline alcoholic potential thief and almost certain peadophile, it's understandable why he and his ex have split up.

Because he played with/supervised his kid and his wee mates upstairs at a kids party.

Fucking bonkers.

So he stayed upstairs with your son and his? Maybe he wanted to spend some more time with his son and see him with his friend. I doubt he noticed the washing my husband never notices ours.

@MagicSummer

Make sure your house is tidy and clean before anybody visits. Doesn't take a minute to make your bed and put your nightclothes away.

You shouldn't have too. People should not be going uninvited into bedrooms.

I think it's downright odd to invite yourself to a child's party, especially when his ex was already going to supervise their son. The going upstairs thing I would assume if he was with the boys he was doing a nice thing and playing with them presumably in DSD's room I can't see why he'd go in your room. I get why you're embarrassed though my bedroom is very rarely fit yo be seen I'd be mortified of someone wandered in.

Make sure your house is tidy and clean before anybody visits. Doesn't take a minute to make your bed and put your nightclothes away.

While for your own sake you shouldn't let things get filthy, the fact that someone comes with their children to a party does not require you to tidy up rooms that aren't being used for the visitors.

And somehow I don't think anyone would expect this of a man.

However, the best idea is to shut the doors of rooms that you don't want people to enter. (Or to see on Zoom calls for that matter.)

I agree with @mathanxiety sounds very creepy to me.

I have never taken wine to a kids party maybe I ABU lol

@Penistoe and started it with raging 😅

The thought of turning up to a party empty-handed is 😱 to me, but I definitely would not take a bottle of wine to a child’s party. I would, however, accept a glass, if it was offered.

This is literally the only scenario where I would not turn up with wine, but would accept, if offered.

A small child’s birthday doesn’t have quite the same social rules around it. You’d be much more likely be (harshly) judged for turning up with a bottle of wine at such a gathering. It really isn’t appropriate.

He does sound odd, and your spidey senses are obviously tingling with regards to him, but I genuinely don’t think he did the wrong thing on that front.

I would also not have expected a Dad on pick-up to bring his own card for my child - that’s just odd. A card and gift has already been provided by the child.

And given you were pinned under a breastfeeding baby - and he didn’t know you’d told people that upstairs was off limits - he probably thought he was being helpful by taking the initiative, and going to supervise.

I do think this is a case of severely misplaced expectations. Next time, just tell him to come at pick-up.

I have never come across anyone with good intentions who would take it upon himself to go upstairs in the house of someone he didn't know, accompanied by a child he had never once chaperoned before.

This man didn't just invite himself to a children's party, he went into the OP's bedroom with her child and only his own child to see whatever the hell it was that he was doing there.

@WoolyMammoth55 - you need to find out what was going on up there.

What do you think was ‘going on up there’, other than playing with toy cars?

I have never come across anyone with good intentions who would take it upon himself to go upstairs in the house of someone he didn't know, accompanied by a child

Well it’s happened in my house, so maybe calming the hell down would be a good starting point.

Implying he’s a ‘pedo’ is just ridiculous.

@Mumofthreeteenagers

I hope there was no ulterior motives to be alone upstairs with young children. I dont know this person so i cant tell that but you dont know do you? Maybe ask your son EXACTLY what they were doing and what that man was doing. And who suggested using your room. Just to be sure. In my opinion, you were not unreasonable to be annoyed or concerned.

My husband is the primary carer of my child. It makes me really fucking sad to think that there are idiots out there that would assume the worse of him when supervising HIS OWN CHILD AND HER FRIENDS because he is a man. He already feels awkward taking her to baby and toddler groups due to the suspicious side eyes from mums who can’t seem to get their head round a dad looking after a child.