Name changed for this. We live in a country which is 6 hours ahead of DH’s home country. Last week it was MIL’s birthday. Both she and FIL had been suffering from Covid and we had been in daily contact through a family Whatsapp group and FaceTime to check in on them.
Not thinking we both sent a message into the family chat when we got to the office (which was about 3 am their time) to wish her a HBD and a few pictures of the kids. She messaged back to say she was sleeping and not to send any more messages. We both stopped and agreed when it was their morning we would send a message and apologise.
Then came message after message, a tirade of abuse from her about how selfish we are as people and we don’t care about her and had planned this to deliberately ruin her birthday, knowing full well she was ill. Multiple messages which escalated to accusations of how we are takers and have never given anything to the PILs or DH’s siblings (not true). She was clearly awake by this time so we both sent a message to say we were truly sorry and we were not thinking about the time difference. More abuse followed in numerous messages, each one more personal, sweary and hate filled.
Later in the day we got one more message to tell us what terrible people we were and that she was angry we had asked her what she had wanted for her bday when we spoke weeks earlier and she asked if it was to taunt her as we never send anything (which we had but it obviously just didn’t arrive in time).
We did not respond at all other than the one message each to apologise . It felt like she was trying to inflate our crime to fit her punishment in front of her audience (FIL and DH’s siblings). That evening we sent her a video of the kids wishing her a HBD.
A few days past and the package with her present arrived (we sent by post from our country of residence 2 weeks prior) and we got a message from her to say she was still ill but starting to feel better and thank you for the presents and it was as if none of this episode had taken place. DH just replied to say glad to hear you are starting to feel better. This was 4-5 days ago now.
We are fully aware we were wrong to send the messages at a time when they could have disturbed her. I felt so bad initially that I may have done this without thinking regularly and it was a build up of anger (given the intensity of her rage) so I looked back through the family chat and most of our messages going to them had been during their day time. MIL and the siblings’ messages on other hand had been regularly in the middle of our night time 11 pm -5 am, but we put our phones on silent mode so do not get woken up or we just ignore it if we hear the phone.
For full disclosure she has form for this. The whole family walk on eggshells to avoid setting her off. It’s the most awful family dynamics when we visit. At least every second visit she would find a reason to be upset with us and she would tell us to leave her home (24 hours trip door to door, to get there, 2 kids in tow) and then cry and wail when we start to pack about us taking the kids away from her. Then the others all beg us not to go. It’s becoming a ritual. I really cannot put in one OP how much of this same old tired act she has pulled over the last 2 decades.
We are hurt and angry at how vicious and personal she got. I can understand she was ill and needed to rest. It was a genuine mistake and we had apologised unreservedly. AIBU to not be able to move on until, for just this one time, she apologises? Just even an ounce of acknowledgment of how terrible her behaviour was in this instance (let alone all the other times). DH and I are unified in our approach towards the situation right now but I know from bitter experience how far her pattern of behaviours is ingrained into her children. Sooner or later they all go back to her hostage style for more of the same cycle of abuse.
I’m just really struggling to let it go and I don’t want to pretend nothing happened and that we are one happy family to keep the peace and enable her disgusting behaviour. I do feel bad as the kids are young and there is no way for them to have contact unless it's through one of us. So by going no contact we are also in effect withholding contact between PILs and our kids. Any advice?