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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think co sleeping isn’t the answer to all sleep problems?

102 replies

Sheeeeeep · 24/05/2021 06:46

Light hearted. Sort of.

Every time sleep problems are mentioned here co sleeping is suggested - just that, usually ‘have you considered co sleeping?’ which seems to suggest it will sort out any issues.

After numerous wake ups, in desperation I took dd (nearly 6 months) into bed with me.

She continued windmilling her arms around punching me in the face, making ‘eh, eh, eh’ noises, and then when she DID eventually go to sleep, I was terrified to even move!

What am I missing? Why is it the known answer to any wakeful babies?

OP posts:
Tk5787338 · 24/05/2021 06:50

I feel like this; my DS is not a great sleeper and in desperation I have tried co sleeping at different points but it wakes him up more and just doesn’t work for us. Even when he was little the only way he’d sleep with me was to sleep on me and there was no way I could (or wanted to) sleep with a tiny baby lying on me.

Tk5787338 · 24/05/2021 06:52

Added to that with my DD she would sleep with me but I struggled to get to sleep with her there and especially with being careful about duvet and pillows etc

Whatwouldscullydo · 24/05/2021 06:53

Honestly Co sleeping may help the baby get sleep but you sure as hell don't get any sleep. Mine are both older now but I'm a firm believe I'm sleep training. Tbh alot of these gentle methods or Co sleeping suggestions seems to me to jusy he kicking the can down the road or creating another problem.to solve later on.

Although many will disagree I'm sure.

Littlepoppet1 · 24/05/2021 06:55

I agree, I tried it and hated it. The only time shes ever slept in with us is if shes having a really bad night teething or if she's unwell and just wanting cuddles but generally she didn't settle and better in our bed than in her own. We all get much better night's sleep sleeping separately.

Dozer · 24/05/2021 06:55

Unless a mother experiencing sleep deprivation has explicitly asked for suggestions, people shouldn’t make them!

For me, a benefit of co sleeping was that reducing physically getting up and down from bed helped me at least feel like I got a bit more sleep!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/05/2021 06:56

It’s not the answer to everything but we had 7.5 months of great sleep with DD2 by co-sleeping. She loved being snuggled in with us and she’d sleep reliably from around 8pm to 7am every night, only waking for milk and then immediately going back to sleep.

We are now week 3 of getting her into her cot though and she’s done a lot better than we thought she would but she doesn’t sleep for as long and it takes a while to put her down each time she wakes up.

MattyGroves · 24/05/2021 06:56

It depends on why your baby is waking up.

Anecdotally, I think some babies are all about being close to mum at night (so cosleeping or gradual retreat works well) and some have milk as a habit to fall asleep between sleep cycles (controlled crying or pick up put down works for these)

I agree that cosleeping is not the answer all the time, it definitely didn't work for either of mine. Also, I just didn't want to, I wanted my space at night. I would probably have done it if it had worked but I also think it's ok not to want to be attached to your baby 24/7

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 24/05/2021 06:59

cosleeping doesn't work for everyone - I tried repeatedly with my youngest, but because (I found out later, not at the time) he has sensory seeking issues he would only sleep actually lying on me, with every part of his body, whilst using my ear as a figit toy, and woke up fully if I changed position or tried to gently move him to lie next to me, I couldn't sleep! It worked to keep him asleep, but despite by that time ayear without having had a stretch of sleep longer than two hours, I could only doze, not fall into a deep sleep, as I couldn't change position by even a little bit in my sleep.

It's worth mentioning because its certainly worth trying and can be life-changing for a few key months for some mothers and babies (like a sling or wrap is in the daytime) but that doesn't mean its magic or works for everyone.

Onairjunkie · 24/05/2021 07:01

I didn’t co-sleep. The idea of it was sort of abhorrent to me. How can anyone sleep?!! I had a Moses basket and then a Next to Me crib....in the corner of the room (the side up, obviously).

If you put a baby to bed at say 8pm, as a poster above, surely you then have to go to sleep with them? You can’t put them in your bed and leave them?

I’d put my baby to bed and then was able to have an evening of sorts. That was important to me, just to have a couple of baby free hours.

Anycrispsleft · 24/05/2021 07:04

My DD2 was a difficult sleeper from about 6 weeks onwards but it all changed for us when, at 4 months, we stopped listening to all the "they just need a cuddle" and "train them to nap in the buggy so you can go out" advice and put her down in her cot in a pitch black room. She slept for two hours straight and woke up in a better mood than I'd ever seen her in. Since then she only ever slept on me when she was ill. She was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 6. I believe that's probably related - she needs an absence of stimulation to be able to switch off. Kids with ADHD do tend to be poor sleepers, and I do wonder whe I see all the advice on here to co-sleep, whether some of those people are being given the exact opposite of the advice they need.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 24/05/2021 07:04

Onairjunkie you had an easy baby and didn't need to consider cosleeping then! Two of mine could be put to bed easily like that, but if that's the only kind of baby you've had then your understanding of the depth of some babies' need for physical contact while sleeping is virtually nil.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/05/2021 07:05

@Onairjunkie

I didn’t co-sleep. The idea of it was sort of abhorrent to me. How can anyone sleep?!! I had a Moses basket and then a Next to Me crib....in the corner of the room (the side up, obviously).

If you put a baby to bed at say 8pm, as a poster above, surely you then have to go to sleep with them? You can’t put them in your bed and leave them?

I’d put my baby to bed and then was able to have an evening of sorts. That was important to me, just to have a couple of baby free hours.

DD2 fell asleep on one of us at around 8pm wherever we were. We then carried her up and went to bed whenever we wanted to. Yes it was restrictive but we both really need our sleep.
IamMaz · 24/05/2021 07:06

I feel that if you co-sleep with your baby it will be very difficult to break the habit and so you could end up with worse problems later. Just persevere with getting them used to going to sleep on their own. It will pay dividends in the end.

Puntastic · 24/05/2021 07:06

It's not always the answer, but works for lots of people which is why they suggest it. Equally, sleep training doesn't work for everyone, but it does for lots, which is why someone suggests it on most sleep threads.

Puntastic · 24/05/2021 07:07

@IamMaz

I feel that if you co-sleep with your baby it will be very difficult to break the habit and so you could end up with worse problems later. Just persevere with getting them used to going to sleep on their own. It will pay dividends in the end.
Ahh, but have you actually tried it or are you guessing that that would happen and then offering your guesswork as facts to others?

We bedshared until 18 months, then got DD her own bed in her own room and she happily just started sleeping in it. Literally zero drama.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 24/05/2021 07:10

Dozer, DD has one of those cribs, it actually attaches to the bed, so seems actually the best of both worlds - safe, we both have our own space, but I don’t need to get up.

I don’t leave her alone in it though. Sometimes during the day if I’m sorting stuff in the house but then I’m in and out.

OP posts:
Leodot · 24/05/2021 07:18

Have you tried a white noise machine? I know this is a slightly different situation and my baby is only 10 weeks old but it really soothes her. She has quite bad reflux and often wakes from naps/night sleep to be sick. The GP and health visitor said she will grow out of it eventually and that we just have to weather the storm at the moment!!

It was really hard to settle her back to sleep as she was so upset and would often wake up fully as she’d have to be changed. She’d then be overtired as she’d woken up before she was ready and couldn’t get back to sleep. She now settles back to sleep pretty quickly after a change with the white noise on so is actually getting sleep. She also now sleeps pretty well in her basket next to our bed so we get to sleep too. Previously we had to sleep in shifts with one of us holding her.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 24/05/2021 07:23

I do have white noise - it’s just a phase I think, possibly teeth. Real design flaw with these babies Grin

OP posts:
LolaNova · 24/05/2021 07:27

YANBU. I hated co-sleeping with my first. I’ve refused to even consider it with my second. I get uncomfortable, can’t regulate my own temperature, feel anxious, and don’t sleep well at all. I’m happy to have DD in her own cot in our room for as long as needed but she’s not coming in the bed! If it works for you then great but it’s definitely not a cure all solution.

The game changer with DS was breaking the association with feeding to sleep and gradually night weaning. It wasn’t easy and it took time.

Poorlykitten · 24/05/2021 07:28

We had one of those cots next to the bed, open but separate so we could lift him in if needed. Some babies just don’t sleep, doesn’t matter if you co-sleep or not but co-sleeping will save you getting up out of bed repeatedly!

SilverGlitterBaubles · 24/05/2021 07:28

Co sleeping just stores up problems for later, sleep training worked best for us.

Poorlykitten · 24/05/2021 07:31

Totally disagree with silverglitters It does not ‘store up problems’. Mine are all great sleepers now.

Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 24/05/2021 07:32

Yeah we have a feed to sleep thing here, not really sure how to break it!

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 24/05/2021 07:34

@Sheeeeeep

Yeah we have a feed to sleep thing here, not really sure how to break it!
Controlled crying. It really works for this.
Original poster
Sheeeeeep · 24/05/2021 07:35

Oh no sorry - I’m not comfortable with that, besides I don’t think it would work, she just winds herself up into a state.

OP posts: