To think co sleeping isn’t the answer to all sleep problems?

[Sheeeeeep]

Light hearted. Sort of.

Every time sleep problems are mentioned here co sleeping is suggested - just that, usually ‘have you considered co sleeping?’ which seems to suggest it will sort out any issues.

After numerous wake ups, in desperation I took dd (nearly 6 months) into bed with me.

She continued windmilling her arms around punching me in the face, making ‘eh, eh, eh’ noises, and then when she DID eventually go to sleep, I was terrified to even move!

What am I missing? Why is it the known answer to any wakeful babies?

I co slept with some of my babies at some points at not others.

We had a revelation at about 6 months with one of mine that they cried in their sleep. We were picking up and trying to soothe a by that was already asleep. They were much better left alone until we were sure they had actually woken up.

Which makes sense now they are much older and talk (a lot) in their sleep.

Depends on the baby. My first wouldn’t sleep, hated cuddles, hated skin-to-skin, only settled with relatively fast rocking or bouncing. My second would stop crying if I just put my cheek close to his. If I tried to put him in a cot, he would scream all night (waking up his still hard to settle older sibling). Lying next to me, he would sleep all night, only waking briefly to feed. It was a no brainer for us. I hate this “one size fits all” parenting advice. Like when people ask if you’ve tried a bath before bed / bed time routine for non-sleeping babies. Some babies just don’t sleep!

@Sheeeeeep

Oh no sorry - I’m not comfortable with that, besides I don’t think it would work, she just winds herself up into a state.

I didn't find any of the gentle sleep stuff worked. I found it was a choice between multiple wake ups and controlled crying.

Of course it's a personal decision if you prefer the multiple wake ups - I don't mean that in a snarky way, honestly it's your decision if you're able to cope with the lack of sleep. I was just miserable and didn't feel human

Not everyone suggests co sleeping 🤨

There are usually a variety of responses

I've always wanted to be the kind of parent who is able to bring baby into bed with them and get an extra few hours sleep. From a very early age, DS has thought our bed is a giant playground / trampoline park.

I am fairly sure co sleeping is pretty much guaranteed to be suggested!

matty I’m not convinced it would work. When she was a bit younger I had a day from hell with her where she was exhausted and fighting naps and I ended up putting her in her Moses basket in another room while I cried myself. Went back and she’d gone to sleep but was still sobbing in her sleep and woke after ten minutes. Felt like shit!

I think it’s teeth, possibly, her daytime sleep isn’t great and it’s affecting the nights too unfortunately.

I honestly didn't think it would work either but it did and very quickly- 2 nights. The go in after 1 min then 2 etc, type method not just leaving them to cry until they sleep.

I actually don't know anyone who tried that sort of method and had it not work, though I am sure they exist.

I had to wait until my DS grew out of poor sleeping (age 8). He’d wake up at the slightest noise. I became really ill due to lack of sleep and even when he came in to our bed I’d end up hanging off the edge of the bed as he and DH took up so much space. When DS got older and woke up I’d just say go back to bed and fall back to sleep as I was exhausted. Eventually he got the message. My sister still sleeps with her DS and he’s 11! She gives in all the time

I couldn't sleep in the same room as them they slept really well and I didn't 🤬

I tried it with my baby who woke up every 90 min. It was the only way she would go back to sleep and stay asleep more than half an hour so it improved that aspect but I was still knackered from being woken up every 90 min. The only thing that worked was sleep training for us

@MattyGroves

I honestly didn't think it would work either but it did and very quickly- 2 nights. The go in after 1 min then 2 etc, type method not just leaving them to cry until they sleep.

I actually don't know anyone who tried that sort of method and had it not work, though I am sure they exist.

I know a few. And a couple who had it work initially and then had regressions where they basically had to do it all over again. Also, if its teeth it doesn't seem fair to leave them alone screaming in pain for increasing intervals until they learn to put up and shut up.

If its teeth causing the issues, OP, have you tried calpol before bed?

@Sheeeeeep

Oh no sorry - I’m not comfortable with that, besides I don’t think it would work, she just winds herself up into a state.

I never ever did controlled crying with DD1 and I refuse to do it with DD2. DD2 does not calm herself down and just gets more and more upset. We know this because there have been times with her crying in the car or crying herself to sleep with a cold. With the cold, we had tried milk and her dummy but she couldn’t breathe. We had baby olbas oil but it wasn’t working quickly enough. I ended up holding her upright against me and rocking and bouncing whilst she sobbed and screamed herself to sleep. I felt awful.

I will never do controlled crying and don’t feel like that’s the only solution OP.

I’ve tried calpol thanks ... might look at some other pain relief options. Problem is I’m guessing!

My MIL just wouldn't let it rest with the Co sleeping.

"Why don't you just bring him into the bed with you?"

"Because I tried that and he just flails around all night whacking me in the face"

I have no solution though, some kids are just light sleepers and my two were a nightmare until they became toddlers. They've both been pretty amazing since 2.5 each but I had them back to back which essentially meant 5 straight years of absolutely horrific sleep deprivation.

Happily just a memory now. But during those 5 years I ended up spending quite a lot of nights spending a few hours nestled beside them in their toddler beds before creeping out. Not ideal by any means. But at least I had my own big peaceful cool bed to crawl back into.

One thing that I think can be dangerous about Co sleeping is not getting them ultimately into their own bed. I literally know 3 couples who are still havi g their child crawl into their bed in the middle of the night at age 7. That's fine if you're a single parent and have the room, but in each of those couples, the Dad ends up crawling out of the bed at 2am and into a princess bed down the hall as there literally isn't enough room in the bed. It's just shit sleep for him and it's because the Mum chose the path of least resistance all along so she didn't have to get out of bed. Actually with one couple it's two boys, aged 7 and 9 and if you refuse them entry they kick off at 2am.

People thought I was mad refusing to let them sleep in my bed, and instead spent quite a lot of time cuddling them in their own beds. And often I thought I was mad too, clinging to the edge of a toddler bed.

But I have to say that they never developed the habit of crawling into bed with us in the middle of the night and I'm glad of it. They still pile in on top of us on a Saturday morning and it's lovely. But boy am I glad to have my bed to myself at night!

It was the answer for us. It worked great for both of my children. Different things work for different people though, I had people telling me to leave them to cry It out like it was the answer to everything but that was never going to be something I considered. Everyone has an opinion when you have kids.

Incidentally anycrispsleft DS has ADHD and sensory issues. To this day he's a perpetual fidgeter and grabber and very dyspraxic. No wonder we couldn't sleep with him!

I guess it might make more if a difference if in own room but dd is in a sidebar cot so doesn’t seem to make much difference!

It would never have been the answer for me because I didn't want to have to go to bed at the same time as my baby, but it obviously works for some people. Think about how you go to sleep yourself - do you fall asleep immediately your head hits the pillow? Me neither. It's the same for most babies - it can take a little while to drop off. The "eh eh eh" noises you describe sound exactly like my DS when he was trying to fall asleep - he always had a little grizzle first. My DD was the same, but as the PFB I would fuss and fret and of course every time I went back in to see her we would be back to square one. I almost didn't dare leave her to fall asleep on her own which is of course what I now realise I should have done and what I did with DS (while I was tucking in and settling his sister).

DS was a Velcro baby. For the first couple of months we were working in shifts holding him and would be lucky to get him down by himself for an hour. So we co-slept.

For the first month I was really panicky but as we got into the swing of it, it became easier. I would feed him on the bed in the evening, he would go to sleep and I could sneak away again for a couple of hours. It was much easier for feeding as I’d kind of set him up for his feed and doze back off.

As for delaying sleep problems, it really didn’t. I decided about a month before his 2nd birthday i no longer wanted to breastfeed so I stopped the cosleeping and introduced him straight into his cot bed. It took about two weeks of sitting with hun until he fell asleep, but reducing the time we’d stay each night. Once asleep he sleeps 12 hours per night and has done continuously. If anything, he’s always seemed more secure.

I'm confused, what's controlled about controlled crying?

Co sleeping isn't for everyone. Ice vo slept with my third since she was born and she has been a great sleeper. One dream feed a night. I go to bed with her about 9/9.30. I can watch TV in bed or just go to sleep. I've never even tried putting her in a cot. I do have a next to me attached to the bed, but she doesn't go in it. I didn't do that with my other kids. The first didn't sleep great and I co slept quite a but as a last resort, the second slept fine in a moses next to the bed.
I love having her sleep beside me. I wish I had done it with all my kids, but felt it wasn't the "done thing" and let that affect my decision. Now I don't give a fuck what people think. They can pull faces as much as they like.

I mean, if it’s a thread specifically asking for advice I don’t think it’s unreasonable for posters to suggest co-sleeping if it’s worked for them 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just like it’s not unreasonable for people to suggest controlled crying/pick up put down/gradual retreat...whatever really.

You aren’t missing anything. For us co sleeping stopped my DS waking every 2h, but only marginally improved our sleep due to needing to be pretty still all night. We don’t want to do CC and pick up put down was a monumental failure, so it’s the only option we really have! There is no magic, cry free bullet to baby sleep. Just people trying to survive with the degree of crying they feel comfortable with.

OP I had mine out of the room at 7 months.

It was blissful. Even if I ended up crossing the landing several times a night for years thereafter.

You pick your poison. For me, my bedroom was my sanctuary from the claustrophobia of the kids. It was the one room where there was no sign of babies and it was good for my very fragile mental health. Also good for our intimacy as a couple, which retained a weak flicker of life throughout all those terrible sleep deprived times because my bedroom was lovely and baby-free. Which meant stress-free!

But for others the thoughts of crossing a landing would make them want to cry, so like I said, you pick your poison.

I go to bed at the same time as DD because she isn’t six months yet.

iminaglasscase if you’re genuinely confused, Google controlled crying. If you are using confusion to tell another poster she is Wrong, just say ‘I don’t agree with that.’

awesome but did you hold your ds as you co slept? This is where I think I am missing something - how did the arrangement work?

Really interesting to read the responses on this thread. Thank you for starting it OP. I've been wondering if I'm only delaying the inevitable with co sleeping.

With DS1 we never co slept, I was terrified of the idea and all the SIDs risks that the HVs warned us about continually swarmed my head. We ended up sleep training him at 18 months old. By then he was only on 1 wake up a night for milk so we slowly trickled it down to water in a bottle. He still wakes up now at 4 years old for water but it's beside his bed and usually sorts himself out. On the odd occasion I have slept with DS1, it's been awful, the arms everywhere, the constant pulling at my face etc.

DS3 we co sleep with. We originally had a next 2 me and at first I was lifting him out to BF but I then realised I could just dangle my boob over him in the cot and he would settle much quicker 😂 when he started learning to roll, he would roll into our bed and nuzzle for boob and so began the co sleeping. He is now coming up to 14 months old. He wakes twice a night, but I barely wake up as he just helps himself and then nuzzles back down.

BUT obviously he can't sleep in our bed forever? Plus DS1 is asking why DS3 is allowed to sleep in bed with us but he can't.

The only thing I will add to this mix is how much easier bed times are in our house now than before DS3 came along. With DS1 we really pushed for self settling and wouldn't stay in his room until he fell asleep so some (rare) nights it would take up to 2 hours of constantly going up and down the stairs. I just found bed time so stressful. Buy now with DS1, I stay by his bedside (whilst I'm BFing DS3), giving him soft tickles until he falls asleep which is always within 10 minutes. Then I pop into our bed room and settle DS3 down for the night which doesn't take more than 10 minutes either. I find the whole thing more relaxing and a chill way to bond with the boys before bed.

(Oh, my, I'm sorry for the huge block of text 🤦‍♀️)

It's just shit sleep for him and it's because the Mum chose the path of least resistance all along so she didn't have to get out of bed

Why are you assuming the father has no input in their sleep?