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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says he wishes he hadn’t had our child..

80 replies

WaitroseAldi · 23/05/2021 14:19

Aibu to be really upset and hurt?!

Been with dh 7 years, we have a 4yo dd and two from my previous marriage (11 and 13).

Dd4 is hard work, she is like a little pocket rocket who doesn’t sit still for longer than 2 mins. She throws tantrums and barely sleeps past 5.30. But she is also SO loving, cuddly and smart.

Dh is an amazing dad, he works hard and treats the Dc all the same.

But when dd4 is playing up he says his life would be easier if we hadn’t had her, because we can’t do anything. We don’t have any couple time because we can’t get babysitters, or if we go out she ends up playing up and then ruining for the older two.

But I think it’s awful to even think like that. Tbh I think he’s abit depressed but he won’t admit it. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Tish008 · 23/05/2021 14:25

It's hard to hear im sure but is he wrong? Your life would be easier.

We all find the end of our tether sometimes and you say he's a good dad. That's what's important here

PinkiOcelot · 23/05/2021 14:26

I don’t think there is much you can do tbh.
My DH I nice said (when our 2 were much younger) that if he had his time again, he wouldn’t have kids. He didn’t mean he didn’t love them now they’re here, just he wouldn’t do it again. That was during a particularly stressful period in our lives and he hasn’t said it since.
Your DD does sound like a handful at the moment, but I’m sure when she gets a bit older and settles down, things will be fine.
I just think you need to hang on in there. He can’t send her back.

PinkiOcelot · 23/05/2021 14:26

Once said fffs!!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/05/2021 14:27

I’m assuming he’s saying this only to you and not within hearing of your daughter...

If that’s the case then yes you get to feel hurt but at the same time he gets to be honest with his feelings.

TaraR2020 · 23/05/2021 14:31

There are many parents on here who admit that, however much they love their children, life would be easier if they hadn't had them. I don't think this is the same as regretting having children.

Granted, your dh and you have different views on how acceptable that statement is but it doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

It sounds like your dh has some behavioural issues, whether these are greater than is normal for any 4yo I couldn't possibly say from your post but its OK if your dh struggles with her. It must be hard work for both of you!

We all different strengths and as individuals our patience is tried by different things to a greater or lesser extent than others.

Maybe he is a little depressed, but combined with his comment it sounds to me that he feels overwhelmed and would like some help.

Do you share the same attitude to parenting and discipline or is there a disconnect here?

Note, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with your dd! Perhaps there are ways of managing her behaviour that will more effective or maybe she just needs to grow out of it...Either way, I think you need to speak honestly and vulnerably with each other and accept that this is an age your dh is struggling with.

OwlTwitterings · 23/05/2021 14:34

But when dd4 is playing up he says his life would be easier if we hadn’t had her, because we can’t do anything. We don’t have any couple time because we can’t get babysitters, or if we go out she ends up playing up and then ruining for the older two.

I could say this about my ASD four year old (and also my NT two year old) but that doesn’t mean I regret having them and wish we could change that.

Mumoblue · 23/05/2021 14:37

Clearly I’m in the minority but I’d be really pissed if I were you. More so if he says it within earshot of her.

I get that it’s a feeling that many parents have sometimes but parents are not as good at hiding it as they think. My mum used to say to me how her life would be easier/better if she never had kids and it’s something you never forget.

OwlTwitterings · 23/05/2021 14:38

@Mumoblue

Clearly I’m in the minority but I’d be really pissed if I were you. More so if he says it within earshot of her.

I get that it’s a feeling that many parents have sometimes but parents are not as good at hiding it as they think. My mum used to say to me how her life would be easier/better if she never had kids and it’s something you never forget.

I’m sorry she said that to you but I think there is a big difference between easier and better. Easier is obvious and as an adult you can completely relate to that but better is just unkind. My life would be easier without them but it wouldn’t be better.
JackieTheFart · 23/05/2021 14:42

Did he actually say he wished he never had her? Or just that life would be easier without her?

Because it doesn’t sound like he actually said what your title says, so YABU for that and YABU to be hurt. You say he’s a good dad, it’s ok to acknowledge that life is easier without small children.

I think you’re taking it way too personally.

Mumoblue · 23/05/2021 14:45

@OwlTwitterings
Oh, totally, I agree they’re not the same- it’s just easy to conflate them when you’re a kid. I know as an adult my mum was just frustrated and never meant it.

JackieWeaverFever · 23/05/2021 14:55

He isn't happy.
I would try and see past the "I'm hurt" and hear him.
why can't you get a babysitter and get out and get some quality time together even if it's a walk in the park or a trip to the pub.

littlepattilou · 23/05/2021 15:10

Oh, why do all the people who have partners/husbands who, no matter how shitty they behave, say he is an AMAZING DAD?! Hmm

@WaitroseAldi Your DH has zero patience with your daughter and wishes she did not exist. He is NOT an 'amazing dad.'

I'd find it hard to move past this tbh. I couldn't forgive my DH if he had ever said anything like this about our daughter.

littlepattilou · 23/05/2021 15:11

@JackieTheFart

Did he actually say he wished he never had her? Or just that life would be easier without her?

Because it doesn’t sound like he actually said what your title says, so YABU for that and YABU to be hurt. You say he’s a good dad, it’s ok to acknowledge that life is easier without small children.

I think you’re taking it way too personally.

Saying life would be easier without her IS saying he wishes she didn't exist. Hmm
KarmaStar · 23/05/2021 15:14

Is your title correct? Did he actually say that or was it that life was easier before?there's a big difference.

JustLyra · 23/05/2021 15:15

Saying life would be easier without her IS saying he wishes she didn't exist.

They’re not the same.

My life would be much much easier without my youngest because of her health issues.

That doesn’t mean I wish she didn’t exist and it doesn’t mean that it would be better.

It would just be a lot easier.

ViciousJackdaw · 23/05/2021 15:16

Saying life would be easier without her IS saying he wishes she didn't exist

Is it bollocks. Plenty of women come on here and say their lives would be easier without the extra DC. Doesn't mean they wish they weren't here. Just that life would be easier. Which it would.

ddl1 · 23/05/2021 15:17

If it's said in her hearing, or even her siblings' hearing, then it's unforgivable.

If said just to you, then it's not so bad. But even there, it depends on how it's said. 'Sometimes I wish we hadn't got a 4-year-old; it would be much easier to manage things' = not so bad. 'I wish we didn't have dd; she's so naughty!' = pretty bad.

FourTeaFallOut · 23/05/2021 15:17

Is there any great adventure in life when you don't turn around and consider the sliding doors moment that brought you to your knees at a particular moment? That doesn't mean that you don't move to another point, take a breath, and realise it was the best thing you ever did.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 15:18

Sounds like she is hard work but she is only 4 so things will get easier, life would be easier for all of us with kids and we have all said it and thought it. Does he say it a lot? As long as none of the kids overhear?

NotAnotherPushyMum · 23/05/2021 15:18

Saying life would be easier without her IS saying he wishes she didn't exist

No it isn’t at all! Would my life be easier without my children? Absolutely! Do I wish they didn’t exist? No, my life is better for having them in it, even though it’s harder and more complicated. Easier does not equal better.

apalledandshocked · 23/05/2021 15:23

No-one has kids because "it just makes life so much more convenient". I mean yeah, you do get to park in parent and child spaces but anyone without children who thinks things would be much easier if they had a 4 year old in tow is frankly, mad. So I dont think he is wrong in stating that life would be easier without her. If he said he regretted having her, or that he thought life would be better without her it would be different (or if he said it within earshot of her)

Maggiesfarm · 23/05/2021 15:29

@Tish008

It's hard to hear im sure but is he wrong? Your life would be easier.

We all find the end of our tether sometimes and you say he's a good dad. That's what's important here

That's what I thought. Obviously life would have been easier if you hadn't had your daughter, most parents think along those lines at times even if they don't say it. However I'm sure he loves her and she will change, becoming more reasonable, as she gets a bit older.

Chin up, your husband really isn't being horrible, he just expressed what he was feeling at the time and, as you say, he is a bit depressed. Something else not unusual for parents with young children.

Your daughter sounds as though she needs some direction from people other than her parents, could your older children not speak to her and set out some guidelines? They could tell her she can do this or that but if she doesn't co-operate, fair enough, but she mustn't disrupt things for anyone else. Gently of course because she is only four but kids often look up to older siblings and take what they say on board.

Most of us don't have much 'couple time' when we have young children, that is quite normal, but it's not forever.

Good luck. Things can only get better.

underneaththeash · 23/05/2021 15:29

Why can't you get a babysitter? Just use sitters.co.uk.

EverythingRuined · 23/05/2021 15:36

I don’t see the problem unless he actually doesn’t like her. Lots of posters on MN say they regret having one or more of their kids without meaning that they hate their kids or wishing they disappeared.

Why can’t you have a babysitter? Do you ever go out without her?

rwalker · 23/05/2021 15:40

I think a lot of people have moments like that . It just sound a difficult time at the moment wouldn't get to hung up on it.

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