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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says he wishes he hadn’t had our child..

80 replies

WaitroseAldi · 23/05/2021 14:19

Aibu to be really upset and hurt?!

Been with dh 7 years, we have a 4yo dd and two from my previous marriage (11 and 13).

Dd4 is hard work, she is like a little pocket rocket who doesn’t sit still for longer than 2 mins. She throws tantrums and barely sleeps past 5.30. But she is also SO loving, cuddly and smart.

Dh is an amazing dad, he works hard and treats the Dc all the same.

But when dd4 is playing up he says his life would be easier if we hadn’t had her, because we can’t do anything. We don’t have any couple time because we can’t get babysitters, or if we go out she ends up playing up and then ruining for the older two.

But I think it’s awful to even think like that. Tbh I think he’s abit depressed but he won’t admit it. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
JackieTheFart · 23/05/2021 15:43

@littlepattilou it’s not the fucking same at all Confused. And based on what the OP says it’s unfair to make a judgement call about the father.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 15:53

If he really did only say "life would be easier",then to be perfectly honest I imagine it's true. Her behaviour sounds quite challenging, not to mention exhausting.
The comment was clearly born of frustration 🤷🏻‍♀️

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 15:54

Saying life would be easier without her IS saying he wishes she didn't exist. Hmm
Your grasp of language seems a little lacking.

partyatthepalace · 23/05/2021 16:00

It probably would be easier if you hadn’t though, he’s just being honest about that - it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. Plus he has your older two kids around too. Many many people think this at times, and many would also go as far to say they wouldn’t have had kids had they known what it was really like - doesn’t mean they don’t love them or appreciate them.

It gets easier as they get older. Why can’t you get a babysitter?

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2021 16:06

But when dd4 is playing up he says his life would be easier if we hadn’t had her, because we can’t do anything.

What you do is stop twisting his words.

He's being honest and by the sound of it of course life would be easier.

Unless you're going to drip-feed that he also said he doesn't love her, this is just one parent sounding off to the other out of frustration.

An0n0n0n · 23/05/2021 16:06

Couldnt DISAGREE with @littlepattilou more.

Plenty of people find parenting hard or tedious. Both of my parents told me that knowing how hard parenting is they wouldn't have done it but they were both great parents. And i get what they mean. Doesnt mean there is any less love.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2021 16:06

@NotAnotherPushyMum

Saying life would be easier without her IS saying he wishes she didn't exist

No it isn’t at all! Would my life be easier without my children? Absolutely! Do I wish they didn’t exist? No, my life is better for having them in it, even though it’s harder and more complicated. Easier does not equal better.

Exactly and it's really quite surprising you had to explain that.
Rowofducks · 23/05/2021 16:08

I feel like this sometimes too. Being a parent is bloody hard. I would never say it though.

RedcurrantPuff · 23/05/2021 16:10

He’s not wrong though is he? Life IS easier without young children. It’s not the same as saying he wishes he’d never had her.

I feel much the same tbh. Mine are 12 and 15 now and I feel SO pleased to be past the small child stage as life is easier now than when they were 4.

toocold54 · 23/05/2021 16:11

I think a lot of people have moments like that . It just sound a difficult time at the moment wouldn't get to hung up on it.

I agree.
If this was something he genuinely felt and felt all of the time then I’d leave him but if he’s just stressed out then I’d be understanding.

Tal45 · 23/05/2021 16:14

Can you improve her behaviour by the way you handle her tantrums? Do you have a way to handle them that you both feel confident about and apply consistently? How is her behaviour at nursery/school?

GabsAlot · 23/05/2021 16:18

why cant you get a babysitter-if you dont have family you can hire one-and reall theyd only be dealing with the 4 year old

Lweji · 23/05/2021 16:21

It is NOT as if he was saying he wished he never had her. (although he might think it)
It is ok to acknowledge when life is hard with children. He's not lashing out at her. He's sharing his thoughts with you, so I'd think it is more a call for help and it is ok to say we need help.
Can you discuss strategies that will make it easier for both of you to cope with her?
Read some books, talk to people, trial different strategies.
Children who play up often need positive attention. You may well be stuck in a rut of negative reinforcement. And things can be a lot better soon.
In any case, it will be a few years until she is more mature and less hard.

TwoAndAnOnion · 23/05/2021 16:21

Dd4 is hard work, she is like a little pocket rocket who doesn’t sit still for longer than 2 mins. She throws tantrums and barely sleeps past 5.30. But she is also SO loving, cuddly and smart.

We don’t have any couple time because we can’t get babysitters, or if we go out she ends up playing up and then ruining for the older two.

It's similar to what my friends say, the translation to outsiders looking in is my child is really poorly behaved but we indulge her - perhaps if she had some boundaries, so you can go out as a family and she isn't kicking off spoiling life for the older two? It's awful when the whole family resent one dynamic, and the really sad thing is, when your older two look back, they'll just remember the indulged child with brattish behaviour who ruined their childhood experiences. This lays down the pathway for resentment in later life.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2021 16:29

Why can’t you get a babysitter

lynsey91 · 23/05/2021 16:32

Well I assume both of you chose to have a child together rather than just be happy with the two you already had.

Ostryga · 23/05/2021 16:33

I think the most important part of all this is how your are dealing with her poor behaviour. She’s starting school soon, so is going to be expected not to ruin her school-peers days as well.

I have a 4 year old, and believe me I understand the temper and stubbornness, but Dd also knows exactly what is expected of her when we’re out (nothing bonkers, just no screaming/running/climbing up things that aren’t meant to be climbed on etc) Shes 4 and doesn’t always get it right, so a couple of mishaps is fine, but if she continues we leave.

Do you do anything like this? Can one of you take her home and let the other children still enjoy their day. At 4 she is more than old enough to understand her actions have consequences.

LakeShoreD · 23/05/2021 16:33

But you say that your DD is hard work?! Which is pretty much the same as him saying life would be easier if you hadn’t had her. If something is hard work, of course it would be easier if you didn’t have to do it. So it sounds like you’re on the same page. What he’s absolutely not saying is that he regrets having her. You should be looking at ways to tackle her behaviour. Assuming no SEN since it’s not mention in the OP, then 4 is far far too old to not be able to leave with a sitter and to always ruin outings for their siblings.

MattyGroves · 23/05/2021 16:36

Do you get any couple time? Book a babysitter or even take a day off while she's in nursery and have a nice lunch or walk or whatever.

Do you get any time to yourselves? Can you do some tag teaming at the weekends?

NewlyGranny · 23/05/2021 16:37

Given that she's here and maki g life so exciting (!) what point is there in him saying what he says?!

There is a huge risk that she will hear him and begin to feel herself unwanted - perhaps that's already happening? - or that the older ones will hear him and undermine her security by telling her that daddy wishes she'd never been born. That is about the worst knowledge a child can grow up with.

He needs to stop saying this! What good does it do? There's nothing you or be can do, so why drip this corrosive message over your relationship?

He sounds as if he could do with some help, but meantime, I think it's both reasonable and imperative to tell him you never want to hear that again from him. After all, you have to start from here; you can't keep handling a what-if!

If he won't stop, you need to start saving for her therapy now. 🙄

Babygotblueyes · 23/05/2021 16:39

I think you are being over sensitive. If he is a good dad and loving and supportive, why shouldnt he be able to express what seems to be a realistic assessment - the she is hard work? I dont see him saying he wishes he never had her.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 16:40

or that the older ones will hear him and undermine her security by telling her that daddy wishes she'd never been born. That is about the worst knowledge a child can grow up with.
Except it hasn't been said so who could possibly repeat it?

user1471457751 · 23/05/2021 16:49

@NewlyGranny so basically he should keep all thoughts and feeling to himself and not discuss any issues with his wife? Might as well get divorced now

StevenYerTeasReady · 23/05/2021 16:55

"Clearly I’m in the minority but I’d be really pissed if I were you."

I'm not sure alcohol would be big help here.

quizqueen · 23/05/2021 16:55

There's always babysitters to be found, you just haven't tried hard enough!

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