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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says he wishes he hadn’t had our child..

80 replies

WaitroseAldi · 23/05/2021 14:19

Aibu to be really upset and hurt?!

Been with dh 7 years, we have a 4yo dd and two from my previous marriage (11 and 13).

Dd4 is hard work, she is like a little pocket rocket who doesn’t sit still for longer than 2 mins. She throws tantrums and barely sleeps past 5.30. But she is also SO loving, cuddly and smart.

Dh is an amazing dad, he works hard and treats the Dc all the same.

But when dd4 is playing up he says his life would be easier if we hadn’t had her, because we can’t do anything. We don’t have any couple time because we can’t get babysitters, or if we go out she ends up playing up and then ruining for the older two.

But I think it’s awful to even think like that. Tbh I think he’s abit depressed but he won’t admit it. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 23/05/2021 17:02

@littlepattilou

Oh, why do all the people who have partners/husbands who, no matter how shitty they behave, say he is an AMAZING DAD?! Hmm

@WaitroseAldi Your DH has zero patience with your daughter and wishes she did not exist. He is NOT an 'amazing dad.'

I'd find it hard to move past this tbh. I couldn't forgive my DH if he had ever said anything like this about our daughter.

I take it you haven't had any teens yet. Will your dh forgive you, when you'll be saying it yourself. Kids are hard work and life is easier without them. I wouldn't swop my life as a parent for anything, but the older they get the harder work they are.
NewlyGranny · 23/05/2021 17:09

If the things one thoughtless parent is saying are likely to result in a child feeling unloved and unwanted, then it's the other parent's responsibility to step up and try to fix that problem for the child's sake. We haven't heard that her DF spends time 1:1 with this child or cuddles her or tells her she is loved, just that he doesn't make any difference between the children, which could just as well mean ignoring all of them.

If he does love his DD, who never promised to be easy, remember, then he won't have a problem curbing his grumbles, will he? And if he carries on, better divorce than letting a child grow up feeling unwanted in her own home. It does huge damage.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 17:12

@NewlyGranny

If the things one thoughtless parent is saying are likely to result in a child feeling unloved and unwanted, then it's the other parent's responsibility to step up and try to fix that problem for the child's sake. We haven't heard that her DF spends time 1:1 with this child or cuddles her or tells her she is loved, just that he doesn't make any difference between the children, which could just as well mean ignoring all of them.

If he does love his DD, who never promised to be easy, remember, then he won't have a problem curbing his grumbles, will he? And if he carries on, better divorce than letting a child grow up feeling unwanted in her own home. It does huge damage.

This is just nonsense, really... I honestly don't know where to begin picking it apart.
notanothertakeaway · 23/05/2021 17:12

Would it be helpful to do a parenting course, to help address the tantrums, which would make life easier and mire enjoyable

EasterEggBelly · 23/05/2021 17:13

Team DH lol.
Yeah I can completely emphasise with him. My DC sound a lot like your DD. They just do not stop. It’s physically and mentally exhausting and as I get older I find it harder to manage. The noise, the tiredness, the demands. I see people with older children or no children and I feel massively jealous!

TidyOmlette · 23/05/2021 17:14

Why don’t you try and get him some help? Do you think he would be happy speaking to someone professionally if he’s feeling the strain?

Kids are bloody difficult. Yes we adore them but they do make life hard especially when they are so young and so dependent. We go from wishing for a bit of freedom to wishing they needed us more in a heartbeat

Suzi888 · 23/05/2021 17:16

Is this said in front of the children or just to you because he’s tired and a bit stroppy?

Tickledtrout · 23/05/2021 17:17

Why can't he learn to parent her better? Has he tried to understand her behaviour? To deal with it better? Parenting is a skill and he needs to invest in the relationship.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 17:19

Why can't he learn to parent her better?
You could ask the same about op Shock. The child tantrums and misbehaves for both of them.

Original poster
WaitroseAldi · 23/05/2021 17:22

She started school last September. She’s absolutely fine at school and they have no issues with her hyperness. And actually during all the zoom calls with her teachers they said she was one of the best ones to sit still and listen.

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 23/05/2021 17:23

My OH of 19 years told our 6yr old that "kids like him are the reason people walk out on their family". I have given him until the end of the month to either get help for his depression or find somewhere else to live. Possibly sounds harsh but this was the latest in a line of mood related issues (silent treatment, refusing to take part in family activities) Anyone who would say that to a child is not the man I want to have in their life.

Original poster
WaitroseAldi · 23/05/2021 17:24

He’s on nights atm and I think he was tired.

OP posts:
Ickythefirebobby · 23/05/2021 17:46

@underneaththeash

Why can't you get a babysitter? Just use sitters.co.uk.
Who the heck uses some random off the internet.
Echobelly · 23/05/2021 17:58

The thing is DD won't be 4 forever. It doesn't sound to me like he wishes you'd never had her, just that without her you would have had an easier life with two old kids who needed less supervision (spoken from me as someone whose kids have entered that stage in the last year or two, and it is a big step change). I understand you feeling upset, but it won't be like this forever - she probably needs more opportunity to get used to be looked after by other people so as not to play up so do keep trying to find childcare - it shouldn't be an issue unless you're somewhere very remote perhaps? Is there any parent group for her school, or your older kids' school, where you can ask for older siblings with babysitting experience?

megletthesecond · 23/05/2021 18:03

icky same. I'd never use an unknown babysitter. I don't have family nearby so I never go out.

Some kids are just such hard work that it's all consuming. I have one of them. I understand where he's coming from.

MattyGroves · 23/05/2021 18:14

@megletthesecond

icky same. I'd never use an unknown babysitter. I don't have family nearby so I never go out.

Some kids are just such hard work that it's all consuming. I have one of them. I understand where he's coming from.

There is a middle ground between some random from the internet and never going out.

We advertised locally, interviewed someone qualified (worked in a nursery), checked her references (the manager at the nursery), saw her DBS check. Then used her regularly. If she couldn't make it, we didn't go out.

We have since moved house and now use one of the nursery staff where the kids go as a babysitter.

GreyhoundG1rl · 23/05/2021 18:34

I don't think an approved babysitting service equates to some random on the Internet, really.

Coldwine75 · 23/05/2021 18:35

Please dont get anyone off the internet ! Very dodgy indeed

LaPoo · 23/05/2021 18:41

I think it's important that parents are able to be honest about how they are feeling. @WaitroseAldi I can imagine it was upsetting to hear but would you rather your husband keep his feelings to himself?

Actually, we all need to be more honest about parenting and it's refreshing when people admit that sometimes it's unrelentingly shit.

I agree with people suggesting you find a way to have time alone together. Nursery staff for babysitting maybe? It doesn't need to be a total random off the internet. Some babysitters are very qualified and experienced childcare workers.

JackieTheFart · 23/05/2021 19:19

@Coldwine75

Please dont get anyone off the internet ! Very dodgy indeed
That website quoted are all qualified nannies and childminders Confused
Ginger1982 · 23/05/2021 19:30

My son is 4 and to be honest, he's driving me round the bend. It's been another fraught weekend and there have been times when I have hankered for my child free life. It is hard going. Parents aren't saints. It's not a nice thing to say or think but sometimes you do get to the end of your rag.

MIC2689 · 23/05/2021 19:41

Cor my life would be easier without my son. Of course it would be. Would it be better? Nope not in the slightest. As long as he's not saying it where there's any possibility she could hear it I really don't see the issue. I'm sure a lot of parents would say the same thing if they were being truthful Smile.

Wearywithteens · 23/05/2021 19:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sometimeswinning · 23/05/2021 20:04

Pocket rocket describes my dd4 (3rd child) If my husband said anything like your dh I'll be honest, it wouldnt be ok. I get, god she's annoying tonight, whens bedtime? or even the odd ffs. Imagining a life without her and telling me that, is an issue. She's not like her older db and ds but that's her, she's had a year like no other. She's a pita but she probably thinks we're boring!

KingdomScrolls · 23/05/2021 20:51

But generally life is easier without children? DH is out tonight, I'm in looking after toddler who has decided he's not going to bed. If we didn't have DS I'd have my feet up with a glass of wine reading a book, we'd hoover once a week, spend the nursery fees on city breaks etc. That's easier than trying to make a two year old go to sleep. That doesn't mean I don't love DS or don't want him, but he definitely adds a lot of tasks to my life that I didn't have before (and DH pulls his weight).