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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think no, autism is not a ‘gift’?

429 replies

RowRowYaStoat · 23/05/2021 14:15

Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m feeling like the worlds worst parent right now. 12 year has been crying and kicking off since 7am this morning. After an awful few months , my patience is wearing thin.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I honestly feels like he hates me (he doesn’t) but the way he talks to me, the way he shuts me out but expects me to fix everything.

The rigid thinking, total lack of compromise. The shouting, screaming.

The resistance to any change or expectation that he should do something himself.

The effect on siblings, the resentment they often feel. The fact my marriage is pushed to breaking point because the stress is immense.

And the lack of empathy from family and friends: “autism is a gift… embrace it !”.

I love my DS dearly. I’ll do anything to make him happy , but it’s just never enough. I always feel like he’s not happy and I worry how his perception of things is so different to the real situation.

And I lost my patience today.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to find this damned hard? Or am I just rubbish at this?

OP posts:
OhDear2200 · 24/05/2021 12:11

Probably should have read the thread by the looks of it Confused

MintyMabel · 24/05/2021 12:23

I was once told that God only gives special children to special parents

Oh this is the worst. Also, you don't get given more than you can handle.

Still, better than "Welcome to Holland" Angry

We're dealing with a different disability, but it seems we get the same crap trotted out. In one support forum I was rounded on for saying I wish I could take her disability away. Apparently this meant I thought she was sub-par, not good enough as she was. Actually it meant I wished she didn't struggle just to get up in the morning, and that she would have to spend so much time having surgeries and in rehab physio. How dare I wish that for my child, eh?

As far as I'm concerned, you're allowed to hate the disability, without it meaning that you hate your child.

Even if, in some far off future, your child is somehow able to embrace their own Autism as a gift, that doesn't mean you have to see it like that right now - or ever!

BuggerBognor · 24/05/2021 13:30

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Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 24/05/2021 13:33

I don't mind 'Welcome to Holland' Blush
I do agree that 'God doesn't give you more than you can handle' is pretty rubbish. I am a practising Christian, so have heard that too often.
A friend who is also a Christian, but from a different country, said they were told their child's disability was because of sin in their life.Sad

BuggerBognor · 24/05/2021 13:37

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osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/05/2021 13:39

I tell people who roll out 'God only gives . . . ' 'Everything happens for a reason . . . ' 'Welcome to Holland . . . ' 'Ugly Shoes . . . ' or any of that other shite to get to fuck. Yes, I really do. Load of patronising, minimising, cruel, othering bullshit.

'It's to teach you . . . ' 'Well, too bad it didn't teach me how to refrain from calling people out for being the cunts they are, eh? Maybe one day something shit will happen to you to teach you to keep your trap shut.'

Cannot abide that type of crap.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/05/2021 13:41

I don't believe in God, either.

Didiplanthis · 24/05/2021 14:15

Not a gift here either.. DS is phenomenally intelligent.. socially clueless, and has next to no understanding or control of his emotions. I have no idea how his life will pan out or how he is going to function independently. Right now I just want him to have friends and not have his classmates ignore him and walk away when he tries to talk to them 😢

secular39 · 24/05/2021 14:22

@FrankensteinIsTheMonster

Shame it wasn't funny.
I do have to agree with @FrankensteinIsTheMonster. It is slowly becoming socially acceptable to murder children with disabilities. I did have a double take at that particular comment but hoped that the OP was joking. In real life, if a parent said that they wished they killed their child, it would raise eye brows and off a call to social services. Saying that you wish to throttle your child or hit them (in a jokey way) is far from saying that you wish to kill them. It's quite a dangerous slope to be honest and something that has never crossed my mind (joke or not) to murder my child. That's why I always talk about self care, it so important that is parents take the time to look after ourselves.
HOkieCOkie · 24/05/2021 14:25

I’d be gutted if my child turned out to be Autistic.

TropicalFairyCake · 24/05/2021 14:54

Wow. I mean I don't subscribe to "its a gift" but there have been some advantages. In my case I am certainly not "gutted" that my child is autistic. She is still my child and the same person she was before diagnosis.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 24/05/2021 15:08

I hate "Welcome to Holland". If I booked a holiday to Italy and wound up in Holland then I'd complain to the travel agent and I'd expect it to be rectified sharpish rather than be told "but there are tulips and windmills..."

A mum at the disability support group I attended once said to me "absolutely no one gets the child they planned for but we all end up loving the one we did get" and I thought that was a nicer way of putting it rather than some wank about windmills and tulips.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 24/05/2021 15:14

My ASD son is such a good boy but really struggles at school. He most definitely does not think his autism is a gift.

BuggerBognor · 24/05/2021 15:22

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Advic3Pl3as3 · 24/05/2021 15:25

I phoned my parents at 11pm once because I had a small flood in my kitchen. I was in my 30’s. I literally had no idea what to do, the anxiety was completely overwhelming and I was having a meltdown......and they were helpless, living 4 hours away.

Just one thing in a looooong line of stuff. It must be a nightmare for them. I do manage to live independently...have a mortgage etc, but I am terrible at running a household, daily chores, basic house maintenance etc. It’s definitely not a gift. The anxiety over basic, daily life, tasks and socialising is crippling. And, whilst I have a degree, have held down a job in the same organisation for 16 yrs (though moved around different departments/roles quite regularly) and live fairly independently they have taken a huge amount of effort and at times my mental health has suffered dramatically trying to mask/cope my way through it.

I had to smile at the buying of the same item of clothing. I have done the same since I was young. I become fixated on a particular style and will wear it until it’s literally falling apart. If I can’t get the exact same item again it’s hard to deal with.

YourCakesAreShit · 24/05/2021 15:38

secular39 But surely that poster - of the drowning of her son in a public lobster tank - was obviously joking? I don't see how it's much different from threatening to throttle your kid when they wind you up. My dad used to threaten to beat our heads flat when we annoyed him. At no point did he ever actually beat our heads flat. Actually, we thought it was funny.

It's like you genuinely believe that the only thing that stopped the PP was realising that she was surrounded by people and not, you know, the fact that she doesn't actually want to drown her son in a lobster tank Hmm

Obviously, if it later comes out that PP has, in fact, drowned her son in a lobster tank, I will eat my words. Literally embroider them onto a hat and then eat it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/05/2021 15:40

@HOkieCOkie

I’d be gutted if my child turned out to be Autistic.
Wow. What if he/she had an accident or illness that rendered him or her very disabled? Honestly, it's just what you get. Life doesn't come with guarantees. I'd take it away from my son in a heartbeat because he and we suffer for it, and it makes him very vulnerable, which is terrifying, but not because I'm gutted. Hmm
TheCuddy · 24/05/2021 15:42

@secular39
Saying that you wish to throttle your child or hit them (in a jokey way) is far from saying that you wish to kill them.
You're joking right? Hmm

I didn't drown my 33 yr old, 6'7" 20 stone son in the lobster tank because
A. I didn't have a crane to lift him
B. The tank wasn't big enough
C. There were too many witnesses in the restaurant
D. It was a joke. (in a jokey way)

TheCuddy · 24/05/2021 15:45

@YourCakesAreShit

secular39 But surely that poster - of the drowning of her son in a public lobster tank - was obviously joking? I don't see how it's much different from threatening to throttle your kid when they wind you up. My dad used to threaten to beat our heads flat when we annoyed him. At no point did he ever actually beat our heads flat. Actually, we thought it was funny.

It's like you genuinely believe that the only thing that stopped the PP was realising that she was surrounded by people and not, you know, the fact that she doesn't actually want to drown her son in a lobster tank Hmm

Obviously, if it later comes out that PP has, in fact, drowned her son in a lobster tank, I will eat my words. Literally embroider them onto a hat and then eat it.

GrinGrinGrin
BananaBoatFeet · 24/05/2021 15:45

Welcome to Holland"

I never did understand or take to Welcome to Holland.

I just go along with the mantra that no matter how difficult things are in a day for family it’s no where near as bad as it can be for our children. It’s stood me in good stead for decades now and it will continue to.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/05/2021 15:46

@BuggerBognor

A mum at the disability support group I attended once said to me "absolutely no one gets the child they planned for but we all end up loving the one we did get"

I’m not even sure that’s true tbh - I often find myself looking longingly at the NT children in DS’ class (can’t call them his friends because he mainly batters them and tells them to go away) and wishing fervently I could swap him for one of them.

I only have one child - wanted more, but ancient - and I am absolutely gutted that he has ASC. It seems so bloody unfair on both of us and has ruined both of our lives. There is no support from the NHS or LA and the pathetic financial support is used up (and then some) making up for those inadequacies. No holidays and limited social opportunities.

I can well understand why ASC parents reach breaking point with their kids.

It is VERY unfair. VERY unfair. No doubt about it. And the 'support' is just, pretty much a joke.
secular39 · 24/05/2021 15:52

@BuggerBognor

A mum at the disability support group I attended once said to me "absolutely no one gets the child they planned for but we all end up loving the one we did get"

I’m not even sure that’s true tbh - I often find myself looking longingly at the NT children in DS’ class (can’t call them his friends because he mainly batters them and tells them to go away) and wishing fervently I could swap him for one of them.

I only have one child - wanted more, but ancient - and I am absolutely gutted that he has ASC. It seems so bloody unfair on both of us and has ruined both of our lives. There is no support from the NHS or LA and the pathetic financial support is used up (and then some) making up for those inadequacies. No holidays and limited social opportunities.

I can well understand why ASC parents reach breaking point with their kids.

I think that's your problem. It's normal to wish that your children would not have the struggles as an NT child wouldn't-- or hope that their life is plane sailing when looking at NT peers. But I don't look at NT chilling longly and wished to scoop one up. I'm too focused on my own children. NT children are not soundproof. Some of them develop mental health difficulties, drugs, illnesses, accidents, drugs, gangs. Having children, NT or not is not easy and it doesn't always guarantee a smooth life. Once I've realised that anything in life can happen, to myself,my children, and others. That's when I learnt to let go.
TheLastLotus · 24/05/2021 16:05

@TheCuddy the poster who took the lobster tank literally was autistic ...

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/05/2021 16:06

I found it funny. It obviously wasn't to be taken seriously

AuntieCorruption · 24/05/2021 16:08

So is it ok or is it not ok to drown your NT child in a lobster tank?

This still hasn't been made clear and I was just going to!