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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, autism is not a ‘gift’?

429 replies

RowRowYaStoat · 23/05/2021 14:15

Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m feeling like the worlds worst parent right now. 12 year has been crying and kicking off since 7am this morning. After an awful few months , my patience is wearing thin.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I honestly feels like he hates me (he doesn’t) but the way he talks to me, the way he shuts me out but expects me to fix everything.

The rigid thinking, total lack of compromise. The shouting, screaming.

The resistance to any change or expectation that he should do something himself.

The effect on siblings, the resentment they often feel. The fact my marriage is pushed to breaking point because the stress is immense.

And the lack of empathy from family and friends: “autism is a gift… embrace it !”.

I love my DS dearly. I’ll do anything to make him happy , but it’s just never enough. I always feel like he’s not happy and I worry how his perception of things is so different to the real situation.

And I lost my patience today.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to find this damned hard? Or am I just rubbish at this?

OP posts:
x2boys · 25/05/2021 20:02

@bitheby

I preferred it when the autistic stereotype was a boy who liked trains. Now it's an self-diagnosed autigendered adult who tone polices everyone else to make sure they're autisming correctly.
Well exactly which does nothing for anybody on the spectrum particularly for those most impacted by it
bitheby · 25/05/2021 20:14

No. Not to hijack the thread but I'm actually really worried about it. Autistic people like rules and there are some incredibly insistent people saying that you're supposed to have a gender identity and if you have certain (completely innocuous) opinions, you're a Nazi. I can see how it confuses people who like things to be black and white.

lollipoprainbow · 25/05/2021 20:20

My dd 9 has just been diagnosed, it's not a gift but something I've got to get on with, what choice do I have, just a case of taking one day at a time I can't worry too much about the future

BuggerBognor · 25/05/2021 20:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BettyUnderswoob · 25/05/2021 20:33

Saying you ‘hate autism’ when that is such a dominant feature of a persons psyche, must feel awful to that person- they can’t change who they are, so it just breeds negativity and poor self esteem imo

My daughter says she hates her autism. Is that acceptable (to you)??

Its not a feature of her psyche, either: its a developmental disorder, a disability. She has a personality and identity distinct from her autism. She hates her autism and so do I: it’s made life hard for us all, and stops her being happy and fulfilling her potential. It’s made her violent, depressed and suicidal, and it’s ended my career. I’m struggling to see the positivity.
And how do you feel about other disabilities? Are they all wonderful, too?

I doubt any of us parents here actually say to our children that we hate anything about them, but letting off steam here is fine surely.

Gladimnotcampinginthisweather · 26/05/2021 07:18

My DS hates his autism too.

MUM2TJ · 26/05/2021 10:20

My ds does too.so do I.. I know its a part of him but its one part of him..for example I know he is autistic and to everyone one else he may be an autistic teen but for us as a family we don't see him like that and we don't describe him like that( I don't judge anyone who does with themselves or thier kids) we see him as ds who also happens to have autism..and yes it has its challenges and he has is difficulties but at the end of the day he's just him. When he was younger I remember other mums with children with autism telling me I was wrong for putting background music on around him or using hairdryer around him as he wouldnt like the noise so I was trying to desensitised him..also that I was wrong for reminding him to go down off his tip toes or for buying trainers/slippers that helped him stay off the tiptoes..now though he loves loud music and he let's me dry his hair and he hasn't walked on his tiptoes in years...I know that doesn't help every child but it did for him ..I know I'm rambling but I'm just trying to say every child is different autism or not and the way everyone parents is different so no one should be going on at anyone for how they feel or how they express themselves because everyone has had bad days when dealing with autism just some a hell of alot more than others. So it's fine to say that yes, it is shit and it's not always a walk in the park

MUM2TJ · 26/05/2021 10:21

Christ, I've just realised I didn't make any sense of what I tried to sayConfused

ISaySteadyOn · 26/05/2021 10:38

We're all muddling through as best we can?
My autism is combined with dyspraxia and I hate it but there it is.

I know I was a source of great hardship and frustration to my parents. Sometimes I think they are very glad that I live across an ocean and no longer bother them with my clumsiness and social awkwardness. But that's ok. I don't have to live with their underlying disapproval.

Percie · 26/05/2021 10:39

That's the bit they never warn you about with parenting generally - everyone else will have an opinion about your parenting and they will mostly think you're doing it wrong Smile

As far as autism goes, I'd rather not have it and I'd rather DC didn't have it - it's another layer of difficulty that we could do without. Mostly, though, I'd rather other people didn't tell me whether I should think that or not. I've come to the conclusion that if people want me to change how I feel it's to make them feel better/fit with their world view rather than to help me cope better. That's actually pretty selfish of them.

Coronawireless · 26/05/2021 10:52

@ISaySteadyOn

We're all muddling through as best we can? My autism is combined with dyspraxia and I hate it but there it is.

I know I was a source of great hardship and frustration to my parents. Sometimes I think they are very glad that I live across an ocean and no longer bother them with my clumsiness and social awkwardness. But that's ok. I don't have to live with their underlying disapproval.

I think there’s a difference between a parent who is struggling to deal with a violent child who can’t/won’t go anywhere and needs constant care vs a parent who constantly disapproves of a child who is clumsy or socially awkward. I’m sorry you felt that.
Countrygirl2021 · 26/05/2021 11:05

I didn't realise I had Asperger's until I was an adult. Looking back, I can see how much harder it was parenting me than my sister and brother as I didn't cope with anything.

However, as an adult I see it as a double edged sword. On one hand, I'm very anxious when out of routine, dont manage emotions, I lack empathy and im not very social (upside of the pandemic is I'm never happier than when left at home with my family). These are not traits I relish BUT I also think I'm successful because I'm Autistic. I have to see things through, I obsess until they are done. I'm not bothered about people so climbing the career ladder away from colleagues was easier. I also think I'm bright because of ASD.

So I think it comes with gifts at the high functioning end of the spectrum but isn't a gift in itself. I would rather be neurotypical by choice.

ISaySteadyOn · 26/05/2021 12:18

That's a fair assessment.

@Coronawireless, I think if my parents had had somewhere like MN to vent, I might have been better off.

incenseandpeppermints · 26/05/2021 12:25

Nobody says being in a wheelchair (or any other physical disability) is a gift do they?
Autism is a disability. As the term suggests it disables people - the person directly affected and their families.

BuggerBognor · 26/05/2021 12:32

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RickiTarr · 26/05/2021 12:35

@incenseandpeppermints

Nobody says being in a wheelchair (or any other physical disability) is a gift do they? Autism is a disability. As the term suggests it disables people - the person directly affected and their families.
Well I can help you there, as I am a wheelchair user with aspergers and completely agree that mobility impairment (not wheelchair use per se) is a disability and a huge PITA.

I don’t feel remotely the same way about the Aspergers, though. I do consider it a difference.

What do I know, though? I’m only someone with both conditions! Grin

Coronawireless · 26/05/2021 12:38

It’s fortunate that your Aspergers only affects you mildly enough that you see it as a difference rather than a disability.
But it’s not the same for everyone.

RickiTarr · 26/05/2021 12:39

@Coronawireless

It’s fortunate that your Aspergers only affects you mildly enough that you see it as a difference rather than a disability. But it’s not the same for everyone.
You’re making assumptions there.
Sirzy · 26/05/2021 12:41

But just because you don’t feel disabled by your autism doesn’t mean others are.

Ds is a part time wheelchair user but in many many ways his autism is much more debilitating than his problems that lead to the wheelchair use.

For DS his autism impacts his life much more on a daily basis than his mobility problems do.

Coronawireless · 26/05/2021 12:41

Many severely affected autistic people would not be capable of posting on a forum to explain how they feel. It’s important that they don’t get spoken for by more mildly affected people.

RickiTarr · 26/05/2021 12:44

But just because you don’t feel disabled by your autism doesn’t mean others are.

Quite right. Which is why I’d never try to insist that “Autism is x” or “Autism isn’t Y”. Different autists feel differently. Bizarre to try to enforce a blanket position on everyone else.

RickiTarr · 26/05/2021 12:46

@Coronawireless

Many severely affected autistic people would not be capable of posting on a forum to explain how they feel. It’s important that they don’t get spoken for by more mildly affected people.
You really should stop saying “mild”. It’s incredibly inaccurate.
Sirzy · 26/05/2021 12:48

Yet you said What do I know, though? I’m only someone with both conditions! grin

Which is very much suggesting that you can speak for all based on your experiences.

Coronawireless · 26/05/2021 12:49

@RickiTarr
How would you acknowledge the different levels of how people are affected?

anothernewtop · 26/05/2021 12:49

Many severely affected autistic people would not be capable of posting on a forum to explain how they feel. It’s important that they don’t get spoken for by more mildly affected people.

It's even more important that people stop using the term 'mild' when referring to autism.

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