To think no, autism is not a ‘gift’?

[RowRowYaStoat]

Does anyone else feel like this?
I’m feeling like the worlds worst parent right now. 12 year has been crying and kicking off since 7am this morning. After an awful few months , my patience is wearing thin.

Everything that goes wrong is my fault.
I honestly feels like he hates me (he doesn’t) but the way he talks to me, the way he shuts me out but expects me to fix everything.

The rigid thinking, total lack of compromise. The shouting, screaming.

The resistance to any change or expectation that he should do something himself.

The effect on siblings, the resentment they often feel. The fact my marriage is pushed to breaking point because the stress is immense.

And the lack of empathy from family and friends: “autism is a gift… embrace it !”.

I love my DS dearly. I’ll do anything to make him happy , but it’s just never enough. I always feel like he’s not happy and I worry how his perception of things is so different to the real situation.

And I lost my patience today.

Please tell me I’m not the only one to find this damned hard? Or am I just rubbish at this?

Haven’t rtft but I am an adult autistic woman (HF aspergers) and the older I get the more it gets me down that so much of life has seemed to have been harder for me practically, emotionally and even physically (for example giving birth was traumatic) than my NT peers. My special interests are very far from the line of work I am able to hold down a job in and I am depressed a lot of the time. I find relationships of all kinds very hard and parenting exhausts me. I have always felt different since as long I can remember and I’m in my mid 30s and still feel different and “other”. It sounds bleak but I guess what I’m saying is, you’re totally right to feel angry that people say it’s a gift that he’s autistic. The media makes us all out to be special but the day to day reality is quite frankly crushing. I do wish you and your son the best, at least his needs are being acknowledged which mine never were as a child or teen.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@Heidi1982... good point. When my son was at school he was “sweet/quirky/unusual”. Now, at nearly 21 he got reported to the police for standing on Morrisons car park, counting cars.

It’s the “gift” that keeps on fucking giving![/quote]
My eldest is 12. I am terrified of what will come next.

Bloody hell, such a negative thread this has descended into. Of course it's more difficult to parent a child with autism, and no i don't think it 'a gift', but I don't see how believing it's the root of all evil can make the situation better either. Autistic children get the message all the time from society that their different, weird, odd, annoying- why do parents think it's a good idea to join in with this narrative? I don't understand it. Sorry to be harsh, but its little wonder that kids end up anxious and unhappy when their parents have decided that their life WILL be difficult and miserable because their autistic, and that their own parents resent them and act like a bloody martyrs for looking after them.

@RaaRaaeee

Bloody hell, such a negative thread this has descended into. Of course it's more difficult to parent a child with autism, and no i don't think it 'a gift', but I don't see how believing it's the root of all evil can make the situation better either. Autistic children get the message all the time from society that their different, weird, odd, annoying- why do parents think it's a good idea to join in with this narrative? I don't understand it. Sorry to be harsh, but its little wonder that kids end up anxious and unhappy when their parents have decided that their life WILL be difficult and miserable because their autistic, and that their own parents resent them and act like a bloody martyrs for looking after them.

Do you have direct experience of living with autism?

Do you have direct experience of living with autism?

Or experience of reading comprehension?

Sorry to be harsh, but its little wonder that kids end up anxious and unhappy when their parents have decided that their life WILL be difficult and miserable because their autistic, and that their own parents resent them and act like a bloody martyrs for looking after them

What a load of crap. No one here has said or even remotely implied that they resent their child; quite the opposite, in fact. What many of us have said, though, is that we don't like their autism. Not them, their autism.

I can clearly see that my daughter's life is most certainly going to be difficult. It would be ridiculous to pretend otherwise and I'd be doing her an enormous disservice if I didn't seek help and support for her to prepare for what's ahead.

@RaaRaaeee

Bloody hell, such a negative thread this has descended into. Of course it's more difficult to parent a child with autism, and no i don't think it 'a gift', but I don't see how believing it's the root of all evil can make the situation better either. Autistic children get the message all the time from society that their different, weird, odd, annoying- why do parents think it's a good idea to join in with this narrative? I don't understand it. Sorry to be harsh, but its little wonder that kids end up anxious and unhappy when their parents have decided that their life WILL be difficult and miserable because their autistic, and that their own parents resent them and act like a bloody martyrs for looking after them.

Coming late to this thread, as someone with ASD, to give you my first ODFOD.

My parents had no clue (they wanted me to become PM, or a CEO or something) and my life has still been difficult, miserable, anxious and unhappy at times. Sometimes even exacerbated by the fact that they didn't know (forced socialising, no help with social stories - I ended up taken advantage of and in all sorts of actively unsafe situations because I don't have a scoobies about stranger danger etc.).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that autism has some serious downsides, even for those of us who are fortunate enough to have a higher functioning version of ASD.

"Sorry to be harsh, but its little wonder that kids end up anxious and unhappy when their parents have decided that their life WILL be difficult and miserable because their autistic, and that their own parents resent them and act like a bloody martyrs for looking after them"

No my non verbal child with autism wasn't biting and hitting himself a hour ago because of that but how nice of you to parent blame.

@RaaRaaeee

Bloody hell, such a negative thread this has descended into. Of course it's more difficult to parent a child with autism, and no i don't think it 'a gift', but I don't see how believing it's the root of all evil can make the situation better either. Autistic children get the message all the time from society that their different, weird, odd, annoying- why do parents think it's a good idea to join in with this narrative? I don't understand it. Sorry to be harsh, but its little wonder that kids end up anxious and unhappy when their parents have decided that their life WILL be difficult and miserable because their autistic, and that their own parents resent them and act like a bloody martyrs for looking after them.

Bloody martyrs Please tell us your caring experiences?

It’s also worrying about their future. I have a chronic life long condition and will most likely die prematurely. I worry about their df coping on his own

Yes my sons autistic, my younger is not talking yet and showing traits but he’s only 14 months, I have a non-verbal autistic nephew. I know it’s bloody hard work.
But I just don’t see how all this negativity helps. Saying you ‘hate autism’ when that is such a dominant feature of a persons psyche, must feel awful to that person- they can’t change who they are, so it just breeds negativity and poor self esteem imo.
And let autistic people and autistic advocates be positive about their diagnosis- I don’t understand what the harm is? I think the notion this somehow limits services is just not true.
And some posters have come across as resentful of their children- like saying you would prefer to take home any of your child’s classmates as long as their NT as an example.
I am sorry for the martyrs comment, I did regret that as soon as I posted.

@BuggerBognor

Excellent post *@baaaaal That “difference not deficit” horseshit also gives more power to the elbow of those seeking to cut therapy and services to the bone. DS can’t get himself dressed, is terrified to poop in a toilet, highly anxious every time we leave the house and could do with some OT to help his dyspraxia, but I get “ooooooh just look at his IQ, what a bright boy, he’s flying at schoolwork....clearly other properly disabled* people need that help more.”

So similar to my son, BuggerBognor. He's 33 and having a poo has caused him dreadful anxiety all his life, yet still the professionals act surprised as if they've never heard of such a thing causing anxiety. Ditto the anxiety leaving the house, he wants to, he loves people (another reason why he doesn't conform to the ASD handbook we all get given) He's terribly anxious about nice things, less so about things that should worry him. Every bedtime he's anxious and afraid, he would share a bed with me if he could. Every night I go to bed wondering if it's worth trying to get to sleep. It's exhausting and relentless. Strangely, I still adore him. Not because I'm a martyr but because, as a pp said upthread, I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE.

@RaaRaaeee

Yes my sons autistic, my younger is not talking yet and showing traits but he’s only 14 months, I have a non-verbal autistic nephew. I know it’s bloody hard work. But I just don’t see how all this negativity helps. Saying you ‘hate autism’ when that is such a dominant feature of a persons psyche, must feel awful to that person- they can’t change who they are, so it just breeds negativity and poor self esteem imo. And let autistic people and autistic advocates be positive about their diagnosis- I don’t understand what the harm is? I think the notion this somehow limits services is just not true. And some posters have come across as resentful of their children- like saying you would prefer to take home any of your child’s classmates as long as their NT as an example. I am sorry for the martyrs comment, I did regret that as soon as I posted.

How old is your son?

Autistic children get the message all the time from society that their different, weird, odd, annoying- why do parents think it's a good idea to join in with this narrative? I don't understand it.

So parents, siblings, loved ones have no right to their feelings or to name their experiences, to share their voices, because it makes you too uncomfortable? Everyone involved in a family is a person, with feelings, with experiences, with a right to a voice. Autism affects all of them, not just the person with it.

I'm disabled. I absolutely do not expect my loved ones to be positivity machines who never show me the burden my disability places on all of us, or deny that they get tired, fed up, that the impact on them matters too. Without support for them, and them having places they can moan, and relate to others who experience this, and let off steam and be allowed to be negative sometimes, they are going to burn out. I rely on them. I also love them. There are things sometimes that you need to say to someone who understands that you would not say in the hearing of your disabled loved one. If your disabled loved one loves you, and needs you, they are not going to want to deny you meeting your own needs too.

@RaaRaaeee

Yes my sons autistic, my younger is not talking yet and showing traits but he’s only 14 months, I have a non-verbal autistic nephew. I know it’s bloody hard work. But I just don’t see how all this negativity helps. Saying you ‘hate autism’ when that is such a dominant feature of a persons psyche, must feel awful to that person- they can’t change who they are, so it just breeds negativity and poor self esteem imo. And let autistic people and autistic advocates be positive about their diagnosis- I don’t understand what the harm is? I think the notion this somehow limits services is just not true. And some posters have come across as resentful of their children- like saying you would prefer to take home any of your child’s classmates as long as their NT as an example. I am sorry for the martyrs comment, I did regret that as soon as I posted.

It's not negativity for parents to let off steam and let out their frustrations,worries,pain and suffering on an anonymous internet forum. They need a safe space and an outlet too. Being positive all the time when you feel like tearing your hair out is exhausting and frankly damaging and toxic. These posters give it their all to their children in real life. They deserve a space and a 5 minute breather where they can say "fuck this shit".

Isnt the ASD positivity stuff quite clearly a huge defence mechanism?

@baldafrique

Isnt the ASD positivity stuff quite clearly a huge defence mechanism?

Some of them aren't even autistic although they often identify as autigender. They simultaneously accuse anyone of still referring to Asperger's as being a Nazi sympathiser and a supremacist who believes they're better than the rest of the spectrum whilst denying that some us are incredibly privileged compared to others.

I'm in a lot of autism groups on Facebook. They get a little wearing to be honest.

I see autism as a natural difference. That doesn't mean that I'm not disabled by it.

@bitheby Agree 100%

Do people with a diagnosis of Autism not find others who identidy as autigender ,quite offensive ?I'm not autistic but my son is severely autistic,and that kind of stuff really minimises just how disabling it can be and how it affects the individual and their families.

often identify as autigender.
What on earth is autigender?

@Byge

often identify as autigender. What on earth is autigender?

It has its own flag and everything.

lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Autigender

I... no words.

Such bullshit

I preferred it when the autistic stereotype was a boy who liked trains. Now it's an self-diagnosed autigendered adult who tone polices everyone else to make sure they're autisming correctly.