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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis should continue with house sale?

100 replies

supersop60 · 23/05/2021 11:57

Background. My BIL had a protracted affair about 7 years ago, and treated my dsis appallingly, including refusing to leave when she asked him. They are still in the same house, affair over but basically living separate lives. They have decided, finally to sell the house, done it up, estate agents chosen, photos done, ready to 'launch' June 5th.
10 days ago BIL had a stroke.
Dsis is tying herself in knots trying to decide what to do - what she is 'supposed' to do, where he's going to live etc.
Her DC, (33, 30 and 23)while wanting to support, are actually not helping.
I may have to drip feed if you have questions, sorry. I can't order my thoughts properly.
AIBU to tell dsis that she should continue with the house sale? They were on the point of properly separating and downsizing. I don't think she should be forced to stay with him and care for him in an expensive house.
He's 64, she's 58

OP posts:
Wuurg · 23/05/2021 11:59

Yes, 1000% continue. He has treated her appalling and being ill doesn't change that.

Flowerlane · 23/05/2021 12:02

Yes definitely continue the sale. This may sound horrible but she could end up having to care for him after he has treated her badly. I would get moving as quickly as possible.

Don’t let him try and guilt trip her. She deserves a happy life.

NakedBanana · 23/05/2021 12:02

Omg of course she should continue the move. It's not her problem. Fuck #BeKind

It's for him to sort out, he's a grown man. I'm sure hundreds of single people have strokes every year and manage.

IND1A · 23/05/2021 12:04

Yes she should continue with the sale. I assume he is intellectually well enough to instruct the solicitor ?

Regarding any care required - I’m sure his affair partner will be happy to step up.

TeenMinusTests · 23/05/2021 12:04

Will she have authority to complete any sale?

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 23/05/2021 12:06

Continue the sale but will there be questions over BIL’s capacity to enter into the sale contract? Should they be considering whether he should grant POA to her/someone else even if he does have capacity now, in case of a deterioration in his condition.

JackieWeaverFever · 23/05/2021 12:06

Continue with the Sale.

She's a young(ish) woman. He is a cheating turd responsible for himself.

SunIsComing · 23/05/2021 12:07

Continue the sale. They were splitting before his stroke. She shouldn’t feel guilty.

HighlandCowbag · 23/05/2021 12:12

Was it a serious stroke? Has he made a will? Is he likely to recover or be ill and get worse etc?

Whether I sold up and divorced him now would depend on the answer to those questions. If she stands to inherit everything if he dies I'd be tempted to stick it out a bit longer just in case he does die soon! If he's already changed his will then fuck him and sell up and start a new life.

That's really mercenary I know. But I'd be fucked if I was going to live miserably for years only to see some other woman inherit 50% of everything the marriage has generated over the years. I'd also be a bit wary divorcing him now incase his ill health means he needs more funds from the settlement to pay for care costs.

I'd be sitting tight for a few months. Absolutely not getting involved in his care needs but absolutely not making any decisions just now.

EL8888 · 23/05/2021 12:16

It wouldn’t change anything for me and l would continue.

A friends husband wanted to separate. A few months into their separation he had a bad car crash and had various injuries. Magically he then decided he didn’t want to be separated, but my friend did. He then reckoned he had a brain injury so was incapable of work so he should get the majority of the house equity and not have have to pay child support Confused To cut a long story short my friend stood up to him and managed to get an ok financial deal in their divorce. Literally weeks later he started a masters at a prestigious but still reckons he can’t work Hmm

EL8888 · 23/05/2021 12:17

Missing work is university -prestigious university

Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2021 12:17

As far as I know, there isn't any OW now, although he has a close friendship with his secretary/accountant/ person, and pays her very generously...

OP posts:
Original poster
supersop60 · 23/05/2021 12:24

@HighlandCowbag

Was it a serious stroke? Has he made a will? Is he likely to recover or be ill and get worse etc?

Whether I sold up and divorced him now would depend on the answer to those questions. If she stands to inherit everything if he dies I'd be tempted to stick it out a bit longer just in case he does die soon! If he's already changed his will then fuck him and sell up and start a new life.

That's really mercenary I know. But I'd be fucked if I was going to live miserably for years only to see some other woman inherit 50% of everything the marriage has generated over the years. I'd also be a bit wary divorcing him now incase his ill health means he needs more funds from the settlement to pay for care costs.

I'd be sitting tight for a few months. Absolutely not getting involved in his care needs but absolutely not making any decisions just now.

It was quite serious, but he seems to be recovering, although unaware quite how far he has to go. I agree with not making decisions. Dsis is doing research, but not planning anything yet. The DCs are reacting to their DF's emotional blackmail, and trying to find ways of getting an early discharge. " don't worry mum, we'll help you" Dsis has told them that if they bring him home before he's ready, she's going to walk. I really hope it doesn't come to that. I personally wish she had walked away years ago...
OP posts:
mainsfed · 23/05/2021 12:35

She should absolutely leave and sell the house.

giletrouge · 23/05/2021 12:44

I knew someone who exactly this had happened to - on the point of separating, marriage long gone, husband had a stroke.
She stayed. She became his carer. I thought it was the wrong choice at the time and I still do. She was miserable. I've lost touch with them now so I don't know how it progressed.
But I think your sis needs to keep looking and moving forward. Has he got any other relatives? Siblings, parents? Not suggesting they should be responsible for him but they could pick up some slack - if they like him, that is.

IND1A · 23/05/2021 12:46

If the adult children are going to care for their father then they need to move back in to do so. Your sister can move out to give then the space for this.

Though I think you will find they suddenly won’t be so keen once she suggests this.

In the unlikely event that they all do want to this, she should get legal advice before agreeing of course, just in case if affects her matrimonial rights.

Daleksatemyshed · 23/05/2021 12:47

Obviously the,DC want their Dad to come home but there's no reason your DSis should feel the need to care for him. She obviously doesn't want him back, and why would she. I'd sit tight until I knew my legal position then get on and sell. He will, of course, try to emotionally blackmail her into staying to look after him, it's amazing how many marriages I've seen where the DH's been a lousy H but when they get old and sick they suddenly remember their dearly beloved wives Hmm

Berthatydfil · 23/05/2021 12:47

Does she want to potentially spend the rest of her live caring for a man she who has treated her appallingly and has had no real relation ship other than housemates for many years. I wouldn’t and wouldn’t let myself be emotionally blackmailed either.

If she hasn’t already she needs to have a frank conversation with the hospital staff along the lines of
We are married but have been living separate lives for some time and had decided to separate and sell the former marital home just prior to the stroke. I understand that while he remains an owner of this home he has a right to live there but I want you all to know I will not be facilitating any discharge or undertaking any care. Our children clearly care for him as he is their father but they cannot speak for me or commit to any obligations on my behalf.

thisplaceisweird · 23/05/2021 12:48

It makes most sense to continue and then start a new life in a way that suits both of them, both emotionally and financially. Whether that's with extra care or help in the short or long term.

IND1A · 23/05/2021 12:49

Maybe one of the adult kids could arrange for their dad to move in with them into their house? After all they will be his next of kin as soon as the divorce is granted.

But it makes more sense for him to move in with his affair partner. Or just buy / rent his own place, as presumably he was planning to do all along.

CastleCrasher · 23/05/2021 13:03

As @Berthatydfil says, she needs to make it crystal clear to hospital staff that she will in no way be his carer. Not only for her sale, but also for his. In her shoes I'd progress the sale (if she can, had he given the relevant agreements?) and offer to help the DC and him to find him somewhere suitable with his share. (This is more than she needs to do, but from what you've said she is likely to want to do this)

CastleCrasher · 23/05/2021 13:05

That should say For her sake (and his) if she doesn't they'll assume that there's a level of care available that simply isn't, leaving them in the situation where she's forced to do it or he suffers through lack of care

TheLastLotus · 23/05/2021 13:12

Very confused - why the rush to sell before getting properly separated? While married the money from the sale would stil be ‘theirs’ and not either his or hers.
In your DSis shoes I’d speak to a solicitor - to make sure that she doesn’t end up with the majority of assets going to him to pay for care.

Maxiedog123 · 23/05/2021 13:16

I think she should continue with the house sale, to help manage any expectations of care held by others such as STBXH, hospital staff and particularly the children.

Freddiefox · 23/05/2021 13:24

Of course she should continue with the sale.
She should file for divorce.
Not get involved with any aspect of his care. Have no communication with the hospital over his care other than to tell them they are separated.’
And when he comes home she needs to go and visit some friends for a few days whilst he settles back in to make it very clear she is not his carer.

So the children know about the separation?

Is he able to buy her out?

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