Dsis should continue with house sale?

[supersop60]

Background. My BIL had a protracted affair about 7 years ago, and treated my dsis appallingly, including refusing to leave when she asked him. They are still in the same house, affair over but basically living separate lives. They have decided, finally to sell the house, done it up, estate agents chosen, photos done, ready to 'launch' June 5th.
10 days ago BIL had a stroke.
Dsis is tying herself in knots trying to decide what to do - what she is 'supposed' to do, where he's going to live etc.
Her DC, (33, 30 and 23)while wanting to support, are actually not helping.
I may have to drip feed if you have questions, sorry. I can't order my thoughts properly.
AIBU to tell dsis that she should continue with the house sale? They were on the point of properly separating and downsizing. I don't think she should be forced to stay with him and care for him in an expensive house.
He's 64, she's 58

However I feel that your sister will stay, 7 years is a long time to try in a marriage, and if she’s already twisting her self in knots it’s not a good sign

@Wuurg

Yes, 1000% continue. He has treated her appalling and being ill doesn't change that.

She will have to notify her solicitor handling the sale, right away.

The sale can only complete, if DH the other owner has sufficient mental competence to do so.

DSis should certainly continue with the sale. If the DC are saying that they will care for their father whilst he need it, he can surely move in with one of them.
One thing to look out for though is that he may think selling is no longer his best interests (if he needs care and anticipates that DSis will provide it), so refuse to sign any of the paperwork.

2bazookas there is no sale at the moment. The house is not yet on the market.

Just a thought @supersop60, do the DC know about their DF's affair and that their parents were seperating? I think if not then it might be time they did, I think they'll expect less from your DSis in those circumstances. I know it's difficult but they're not children anymore.

He is not her responsibility, this doesn't change anything. If he needs care then one of his supportive children can take them into their home.

House sale still to go ahead, if she has a solicitor already she needs to let them know this latest development.

@Daleksatemyshed

Just a thought *@supersop60*, do the DC know about their DF's affair and that their parents were seperating? I think if not then it might be time they did, I think they'll expect less from your DSis in those circumstances. I know it's difficult but they're not children anymore.

Oh yes, they know. The DS (15 at the time) was completely screwed up by it - furious at his dad, and furious with his mum for not being stronger. She pretty much had a breakdown and had therapy for PTSD. I think that the DC have seen them plodding on for so long that it's become the norm, and they can't/won't believe they'll actually separate. That's only my opinion, I may be wrong.

Update: bil is self discharging today, enabled by dd1 who is paying for private ambulance, private physio and therapist, plus equipment. So he'll be at home while waiting for a place at a local rehab centre. I asked dsis if she was checking into a Travelodge. No reply yet.

Hope the DD1 is also paying for round the clock carers. Or moving in herself.

Once he is home I wouldn't hold out much hope of a rehab place. Dsis needs to get out asap before she becomes his carer by default. Let dd1 take over 24/7. It will be very difficult to sell a house full of mobility adaptations and a recovering patient.

I know.

I hope your sister is able to go ahead with the sale ASAP (never sold or bought a house so don’t know the legalities of it all with this stuff). I definitely hope she doesn’t feel obligated to be his carer. She deserves so much better than that and while this must be hard for their children they’re no right to expect their mother to pick up the pieces in this situation.

Argh what a twat. He needs to leave. Please update us OP.

I shall speak to her later, so I can update you properly then. There's a possibility of him going to a private rehab unit, but in the meantime, it seems the responsibility (if not the actual caring) falls to my sister. At least he can manage the loo by himself, but needs help to get there etc etc.

Thanks OP. She should refuse. I can't believe we live in a society that still expects this of women. If it was your sister that had the affair do you think he would care for her?

And if the DC want him cared for, they can provide care, they're all adults!

just read the last update, how awful. She needs to sell the house and separate or she will become his carer by default.

The DC who discharged him should be doing the care, how very selfish of that child

Does she really want to spend the next 30+ years like this? she still has chance to have her own life, meet someone else?

There is no need for your dsis to become his carer by default even if he is home. But they both need to agree to a sale, or she will have to force one through the courts.

I really feel for your DSiS.

She in no way should become his carer.

If their daughter has arranged for her DF to come home then she also needs to arrange care, this burden is not on your DSis' shoulders.

Give the kids the phone number of the OW and tell them to ring her if they need any additional help.

No please don't let her get trapped - she needs to go to solicitor & get advice as to whether putting in divorce & house ownership pronto will cause her to loose the level of money per cent will decrease because of his care bills

Shame on her children for now ignoring what she's been through and just seeing her as a carer

Keeping paying the life insurance

My friends DH left her. Dead within 3 years and she got the life insurance from their joint policy that had been linked to the mortgage which she kept paying.

Can your sister come stay with you for a bit? Like previous posters have said, if you self discharge (against medical advice) you generally won’t get any follow up. How would his dd pay for the private rehab- it would be super expensive? Do they have separate bank accounts already- you don’t want her money getting caught up in carers fees.

Your sister needs to leave and let her daughter fail at caring so he gets readmitted. Otherwise your sister will end up wiping his shitty bum for the next 20 years after he’s treated her like crap.

@BlackElephant

Keeping paying the life insurance

My friends DH left her. Dead within 3 years and she got the life insurance from their joint policy that had been linked to the mortgage which she kept paying.

Were they divorced?

in her shoes? I'd walk. Just leave. Take what she can, fair split of assets and go. Submit divorce papers asap. (not actually sure how it works)

But i wouldn't even be helping him in the direction of the toilet, cooking, nothing.

That is hugely unfair of DD1. Dud she even consult with your DSIS before making the arrangements to discharge him?
I hope your DSIS has spoken to DD1 to find out what DD1’s future plans are, given she seems to have taken charge. I assume she is not now going to abdicate responsibility to DSIS? If she implies that is the case, your DSIS needs to be firm and say no, nothing has changed and leave. Move into a hotel, stay with a friend, even you (if possible / temporarily - just to get out of the house and make the point she is not going to be the carer). DD1 discharged her DF, so between them they need to sort it out going forward.