The move will leave my MIL absolutely devastated. I have name changed for this very indulgent post.
My mother in law is a kind and generous woman. She was a selfless mother and did everything for her two (now adult) sons and husband; the latter of whom repaid her by having an affair with a colleague and marrying her. This was two decades ago now but it clearly shattered her life and she has never really moved on. She has had a few relationships since then but not of the serious, co-habiting, life-sharing sort. She is still friendly with her ex husband and he is included in some family events while his wife is treated like the devil incarnate and excluded from family events (this is increasingly difficult as step-MIL has always been lovely and kind to me and my DD). This was the status quo before I came on the scene and I feel I have been very much expected to fall in line with this dynamic of excluding DH's step mother from events to protect MIL's feelings. I am including this context so that you will see how complex my feelings towards my MIL are.
My husband and BIL have a lot of time for their mother (go on holidays with her by themselves, that sort of thing). They spend every family holiday with her so she is never left alone, which has come to mean excluding their father from every Christmas and birthday celebrations have to be duplicated. I have always been very much welcomed and included in these Christmases and other events that are run on her terms, but I am finding it very difficult to make space for my family of origin in this very needy and controlling dynamic. We have spent one Christmas with my family in 13 years and at the time were made to feel very guilty about it, so much so, that we never did it again. We have always spent Christmas with MIL as a duo, or I have attended my family's Christmas alone without DH. Now that we have a DD, this dynamic obviously cannot continue and I feel stupid and resentful for having gone so many years pandering to this expectation to keep the peace.
There is more to this. I'm from another country and upon intially hearing of our relationship she said 'Well she better not take my son away to NZ' This anecdote was relayed to me by another family member as if it was a joke. At the time, I remember it feeling as if my relationship with her son was disapproved of already and I hadn't even met her yet. It definitely set off alarm bells within me at some level and I feel that the potential for me to 'take her son away' has been an underlying tension ever since. She has several times bailed me up without my husband present, teary-eyed, asking me where I intended to settle. The point of these conversations was clearly 'you will destroy my life if you move away with my son'. Similarly, I have had my brother in law and a niece of hers say the same without my husband present, ie, my mother in law is terrified that we will leave. I just find it so odd that this family all subscribe to this brand of guilt tripping and uphold MIL's belief that our lives and special occasions should always involve her to the exclusion of every other grandparent or family member. It is so incredibly unpleasant and unreasonable. BIL (mid 30s) has never had a serious relationship and I think just has not had to deal with the reality of balancing two families, but that doesn't stop him sticking his oar in and making me feel like crap.
It has been 10 years since we moved to DH's country and we still live in the same city as my mother in law. We were due to move back to my country last year, coinciding with the birth of our first baby, but this plan was scuppered by coronavirus border closures. None of my family have been able to visit me or meet my baby due to border closures and I am (quietly) utterly, utterly heartbroken about our plans being delayed and my maternity leave passing by without being allowed to see family. The arrival of the baby has made my mother in law fixate on us even more. I take the baby over to see her once a week while my husband is at work (I try to be inclusive and decent). It is never enough. When we say no to something, she responds by being passive aggressive, or relentlessly pushing her agenda. For instance, at the moment, she is constantly on at us about buying a house because she wants us financially locked-in so that we have to live here longer.
I feel like I have spent 10 years dancing around this woman, trying to be kind and inclusive and trying to convince her that she will always be welcome in our lives, wherever we live, but that doesn't seem to be enough. We have to live life on her terms or suffer endless guilt trips and passive aggression. I feel so depressed by this given that I really have tried to be a decent person over the course of many years, but I really will not short-change my DD by having her grow up somewhere that I believe has a lower quality of life, and dare I say it, I just want some time with my own family and their support while I am doing the lion's share of raising two kids.
AIBU moving my family back to NZ when I know it will devastate her?
Does anyone have experience of an inlaw that guilt trips in this way? Any advice on how to manage it?