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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to pay parents for childcare?

106 replies

shivawn · 22/05/2021 08:19

Currently pregnant with my first child and thinking ahead to how I'll manage childcare when I go back to work next year! My mum has offered to do childcare for me, she's expressed that she doesn't expect to be paid but we're in a decent financial position and I obviously want to. I just have no idea whats fair and normal. Our son will be 8 months old when I go back to work.

Just for background my mum is fairly young at 57 and retired early, she does the odd bit of airbnb for extra income but my dad hates having strangers in the house. Dad is also retired, he is 68 and they mostly live off his pension. This is their first grandchild and mum in particular is so excited and keen to be involved.

My situation is that I'm a nurse working 3 days a weeks (13 hour shifts) but I work every second weekend so it'll work out on average to 2 days a week that I need the childcare because DH will mind him at the weekends. My husband works 5 days a week, normal hours with a half day on Fridays. So the days that I'm working, he will collect our son from my parents at 5 or 1 if its a Friday.

I'll also be asking her to mind him one evening a week for a few hours so that we can go out for dinner and a date night, its important to me that we still make time and an effort for each other.

TLDR - How much should I pay my mum to mind my 8 month old for 2 days a week 8-5 and 1 evening a week?

Is 500-600 a month fair?

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 22/05/2021 10:49

I pay childminder £45 a day 0830-1700 that includes milk, snacks and lunch. I live in Devon though so a bit cheaper.

mrsbitaly · 22/05/2021 10:51

Further to my message above my MIL looks after my child 3 days a week for nothing. She loves it. I don't pay for this but to be honest I couldn't afford to that's why my DD only goes to childminder twice a week as we are saving for a mortgage. Maybe buy a pass for local groups or days out or clubs ect?

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 10:59

If you were my dd, I wouldn't want paying (I'd flat out refuse) but I'd love to spend some time with the pair of you when you were off and your DH at work. So a weekly or fortnightly lunch with you and dgc would be lovely.

This. I’d be really insulted if I made it clear I didn’t want to be paid and you pushed it. What is it MN says? That doesn’t work for me. It goes both ways.

SnarkyBag · 22/05/2021 11:00

I think it’s great you want to pay them as it shows you value their time. I do think an expectation of weekly date night babysitting is a bit of a piss take though and I dont think having the mind set of “well I’m paying so it’s ok” is the way forward. They’re still family not staff so I’d build a network of other people (paid or otherwise) to help out with babysitting for social events.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 22/05/2021 11:01

Personally I think using family for childcare can be a bit of a minefield, agree with whinge, what happens if they want to go on holiday or have different ideas to yours on food or discipline?

I think in your situation I'd want a plan B if it doesn't work out op, maybe find a nursery or childminder one day a week.

I'm also shaking my head at you thinking you'll want a date night once a week, you'll be knackered and just want a full nights sleep!!

BusyLizzie61 · 22/05/2021 11:01

@shivawn

Currently pregnant with my first child and thinking ahead to how I'll manage childcare when I go back to work next year! My mum has offered to do childcare for me, she's expressed that she doesn't expect to be paid but we're in a decent financial position and I obviously want to. I just have no idea whats fair and normal. Our son will be 8 months old when I go back to work.

Just for background my mum is fairly young at 57 and retired early, she does the odd bit of airbnb for extra income but my dad hates having strangers in the house. Dad is also retired, he is 68 and they mostly live off his pension. This is their first grandchild and mum in particular is so excited and keen to be involved.

My situation is that I'm a nurse working 3 days a weeks (13 hour shifts) but I work every second weekend so it'll work out on average to 2 days a week that I need the childcare because DH will mind him at the weekends. My husband works 5 days a week, normal hours with a half day on Fridays. So the days that I'm working, he will collect our son from my parents at 5 or 1 if its a Friday.

I'll also be asking her to mind him one evening a week for a few hours so that we can go out for dinner and a date night, its important to me that we still make time and an effort for each other.

TLDR - How much should I pay my mum to mind my 8 month old for 2 days a week 8-5 and 1 evening a week?

Is 500-600 a month fair?

I think that yabu to think that it's appropriate or reasonable to expect she will provide the daytime childcare weekdays AND an evening every week because you feel it is still make time and an effort for each other - on that front you may well have to get used to maybe once a month or every few months! That's the pay off for having children!

Payment wise, I'd be thinking that it would cost you at least £50 a day, so minimum of £400 a week. So somewhere that's at least acknowledging the wonderful thing she'd be doing. Be that you book them rgeualr treats like weekends away, a delivery from Fortnum and Mason/Selfridges as a treat, etc. Something that represents its saving you more than 5k a year.

ncgy · 22/05/2021 11:29

My family helped with childcare & I had a childminder. That meant we had flexibility with days if plans were made plus I only worked 3 days so OP could do similar.

BitOfAFaff · 22/05/2021 11:47

@FelicityPike

It’s illegal to pay anyone who isn’t registered to look after your child. You and your mum could potentially get into serious trouble IF anyone finds out.
It's not illegal.
BitOfAFaff · 22/05/2021 11:50

Our local nursery want £1,200 a month for 22 month old DS to attend Monday-Friday. 9-5:30pm.

TwoAndAnOnion · 22/05/2021 11:52

@Flowerclock

I'll also be asking her to mind him one evening a week for a few hours so that we can go out for dinner and a date night, its important to me that we still make time and an effort for each other.

Wait and see on this bit. After a 12 hour shift for you and 12 hours of looking after DC for your husband, you might not fancy it every week.

Legally your parents need to be ofsted registered to accept money for childminding.

Going rate for childminders where we are is £40 per day.

No they don't have to be ofsted registered.

Childminder rates vary, I'd assume around £7ph.

TwoAndAnOnion · 22/05/2021 11:56

@FelicityPike

It’s illegal to pay anyone who isn’t registered to look after your child. You and your mum could potentially get into serious trouble IF anyone finds out.
sigh this is incorrect. Its wrong.
Streamside · 22/05/2021 12:09

You're not just getting assistance with the occasional day, it's pretty full on childcare so I think you should pay the going rate. She will have additional expenses as a result of looking after your child and I doubt if she'll have time to do air b&b any more.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 22/05/2021 20:21

@loverloverlover

Bless you for the optimism of a weekly date night when you have a newborn. I forgot my own name after my son was born 😂😂
It's quite naive and ambitious, isn't it?

I couldn't even walk without being in pain then being sore from huge episiotomy scar for a good 8 months after DS1 was born with foreceps delivery. date night....yeah, right

Tavannach · 22/05/2021 20:48

www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-adults-who-care-for-a-child-under-12-fact-sheet/specified-adult-childcare-credits-fact-sheet

^^The government‘s take on NI credits your mum will be eligible for.

If she doesn’t want to accept money why not take care of her meals,
outings (if these ever happen again)
and travel expenses, and put some away to send her on a well-deserved holiday once in a while.

Minstrelsgetinmybelly · 22/05/2021 20:52

We pay around £600 a month for 3 days a week for our nursery and that covers all food / outing etc.

Original poster
shivawn · 22/05/2021 21:28

Thanks for all the opinions guys, I'm away now for the weekend so don't have time to read through everyone's replies now but will go through this on Monday! As it is I think I'll probably continue to keep €600 a month in mind and discuss hours when the baby is here! My mum will make a fuss about taking money from me but thankfully my family isn't one to get offended with each other nor would she be worried about offending me if she didn't want to do it anymore, so thats not a concern! I know my mother, if she was to get offended it would be at me getting someone else instead of letting her do it! I see plenty people here think that being able to have a night out once a week with an infant is very ambitious but this would be very normal in our social circles so we'll play it by ear! Smile

Payment wise, I'd be thinking that it would cost you at least £50 a day, so minimum of £400 a week.

@BusyLizzie61 Think you might have missed the fact that its 2 days a week not 5 plus a couple hours one evening.

OP posts:
JackRabbitSlimsTwistContest · 22/05/2021 21:55

Yes , one night a week out is normal in any social circle pre children
It’s not once you have kids
Still think you are extremely entitled expecting this ...

Blossomtoes · 22/05/2021 22:00

It’s entitled for granny to babysit one evening a week? Sounds all right to me.

Original poster
shivawn · 23/05/2021 00:09

@JackRabbitSlimsTwistContest

Yes , one night a week out is normal in any social circle pre children It’s not once you have kids Still think you are extremely entitled expecting this ...
@JackRabbitSlimsTwistContest Really? Why do you feel its entitled? Is it because its my mother that I'm paying? If I was employing a professional childminder or babysitter would that still be entitled?
OP posts:
veejayteekay · 23/05/2021 00:19

I think what you pay will come down to a no of factors in the end and I expect if your mum feels passionately she'd like to help it's unlikely she'd expect you to pay her the same rate as formal childcare. However if it helps you think about it, a nursery (in my area in South East anyway) tends to charge about £5-6/hour so on the assumption of £6 x 18 hours (for the formal 2 days) that would be £432 for the month plus a little extra for the date nights (say what 12 hours spread over the month? So maybe for formal childcare aspect would be about 500)...I'm same as you in that I dont make any assumptions or expectations of family looking after without compensation but in reality I think most families wouldn't take that kind of money. I'd go in at 400 and she'll probably not take that much so perhaps something like 300/350 may be a reasonable amount per month? X

Jim1980Bob · 23/05/2021 00:23

It's not illegal to pay family for childcare. Legally, family can't become your child's registered Childminder unless they take on non-family children.

You can definitely legitimately pay your Mum for taking care of your child.

Jim1980Bob · 23/05/2021 00:32

The one thing I would say is that don't underestimate how exhausting it is looking after a baby all day. If you're expecting your Mum to look after your child 3 days ans one evening a week, don't be surprised if she finds it too much. A parent in their 30's would find that exhausting, let alone one in their late 50's no matter how 'young' they are.

Taking care of a baby is relentless. Your Mum has probably forgotten how tiring it is and, if you haven't had a child before, you will have no idea how tiring it is until you've had that gorgeous little bundle in your arms for a few weeks.

Jim1980Bob · 23/05/2021 00:39

I look after my sister's 18 month old for one 8 hour day a week and I'm fit for nothing after that (I have older primary aged kids).

BornAgainCountryBumpkin1 · 23/05/2021 00:41

Lovely of your mum to offer to do this. Mine didn't want to be paid, or my sister. Situation has now changed due to moving & 2 days a week nursery comes in at 460 after various discounts and that's all inclusive for 11 hours. So that does seem a little high. What about offering spending money for trips out or lunch etc if she refuses being paid? That's what I did instead.

Jim1980Bob · 23/05/2021 00:43

But, it's lovely that your parents will have a strong bond with your baby.

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