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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much to pay parents for childcare?

106 replies

shivawn · 22/05/2021 08:19

Currently pregnant with my first child and thinking ahead to how I'll manage childcare when I go back to work next year! My mum has offered to do childcare for me, she's expressed that she doesn't expect to be paid but we're in a decent financial position and I obviously want to. I just have no idea whats fair and normal. Our son will be 8 months old when I go back to work.

Just for background my mum is fairly young at 57 and retired early, she does the odd bit of airbnb for extra income but my dad hates having strangers in the house. Dad is also retired, he is 68 and they mostly live off his pension. This is their first grandchild and mum in particular is so excited and keen to be involved.

My situation is that I'm a nurse working 3 days a weeks (13 hour shifts) but I work every second weekend so it'll work out on average to 2 days a week that I need the childcare because DH will mind him at the weekends. My husband works 5 days a week, normal hours with a half day on Fridays. So the days that I'm working, he will collect our son from my parents at 5 or 1 if its a Friday.

I'll also be asking her to mind him one evening a week for a few hours so that we can go out for dinner and a date night, its important to me that we still make time and an effort for each other.

TLDR - How much should I pay my mum to mind my 8 month old for 2 days a week 8-5 and 1 evening a week?

Is 500-600 a month fair?

OP posts:
Ju11tne · 22/05/2021 09:43

To be honest I think it’s a big responsibility to take on permanently. I would not ask my mum more than once a week tbh.

I would explore a nursery or a child minder.
Obviously it depends on character and what sort of relationship you have with your mum OP. But I think it’s a lot at her age!

thecatwithnoeyes · 22/05/2021 09:43

@ChocOrange1

Also I think you can transfer your national insurance credits to your mum, which might help towards her state pension contributions.

I'm a bit confused. What would be the point of/need for this?

thecatwithnoeyes · 22/05/2021 09:44

@ChocOrange1

Ignore me. I have just realised the mum is 57, not 67 as I first read Blush

IND1A · 22/05/2021 09:45

Knowing us thats exactly when we will fancy it 😄, in our current carefree lives we'd often say screw it we're going out after a particularly hectic stressful workday! We live city center in a real foodie city too so we're walking distance to loads of our favourite places

But you are going to be working double the number of hours that you are now.

ilovethecold · 22/05/2021 09:46

I agree with @Ju11tne .

My child care cost was £900 a month for 3 full days and then my mum had him Friday afternoons. I'm not on maternity leave with my second - haven't even thought about childcare yet

Sinner10 · 22/05/2021 09:46

Would it not be better to give them a token amount for days out, food etc? I couldn’t actually imagine paying my parents a childminders rate but equally would not want them out of pocket.

SnackSizeRaisin · 22/05/2021 09:52

I would wait and see how things go once the baby arrives and you see what your mum is like with it and how your relationship is affected. Presumably you won't need childcare for 6-12 months anyway.
Having grandparents look after children occasionally is lovely, but 2 days every week is a lot, it may stop being fun and become hard work, what will you do if they go on holiday, will it result in interference in your parenting or relationship, will your husband feel pushed out.
I'd consider getting paid childcare and using the grandma for occasional help e.g. weekends or nights out.
If you want to pay them it does complicate the situation in terms of how you will both feel about the inevitable differences of opinion.
I would pay less than the market rate though. Especially as you won't be able to claim back the 20% from the government and your mum presumably won't be paying tax. It's nice to pay enough to generously cover any extra costs, plus a bit more. Around £25 -30 for each day or evening is probably enough to cover "expenses" such as food, petrol, baby groups, days out, increased laundry etc, plus a bit to compensate for the inconvenience.

ncgy · 22/05/2021 09:52

My mum or mil would happily baby sit once a wk for us but we all live very close, so it may not be an issue.

user1493494961 · 22/05/2021 09:54

If you insist on paying, I think £300 a month would be a decent amount. You'll obviously be paying any expenses as well and you can top it up with treats. I also think the expectation that your Mum should babysit weekly for a date night is too much, maybe monthly.

PhannyPharts · 22/05/2021 09:56

I've never paid my mum or MIL for childcare. I did make sure that it didn't cost them anything so I supplied food and drinks and then I'd take them out for lunch or buy gifts.

I agree that paying them especially when they've said no actually puts expectation and pressure on - that you're paying and therefore they owe you the service. Which I'm sure is not what you're going for at all.

When it's my turn to look after my grandchildren I'll be doing it because I want to. And I'd appreciate lunches out and treats now and then more. Shows more thought IMO

HerMammy · 22/05/2021 09:59

It’s illegal to pay anyone who isn’t registered to look after your child. You and your mum could potentially get into serious trouble IF anyone finds out
aye ok 🙄
arrest all the teenage babysitters

dottiedodah · 22/05/2021 10:00

As she is doing her AirBnB ATM and presumably giving it up when baby comes to her ,it would be nice to pay her something .Maybe £350 £400 and fill up her car occasionally ,treat her to a nice few meals ,chocolate subscription (yum) and so on .I think that would be fair

BeaLesshasty · 22/05/2021 10:04

To the pp who said the mum might have forgotten how hard looking after a baby is - she's only 57! Probably full of energy and relishing the prospect of time with her grand child - how lucky you all are Smile

If you were my dd, I wouldn't want paying (I'd flat out refuse) but I'd love to spend some time with the pair of you when you were off and your DH at work. So a weekly or fortnightly lunch with you and dgc would be lovely.

Happycat1212 · 22/05/2021 10:04

This is interesting!! My mum use to have my kids in the past and use to say I should be paying her for having them. “All her friends daughters pay their mums” so it’s interesting to read so many don’t or would feel offended 🤔

RaininSummer · 22/05/2021 10:06

I think it's lovely that you aren't planning on taking advantage of your mum's kindness but hard cash probably isn't the way to go. Treat her/them in other ways to show your appreciation maybe. Wine, tickets, food treats, take them on a holiday with you as baby gets bigger and more fun? Remember that you parents will still want to see you not just be childcare.

BeaLesshasty · 22/05/2021 10:12

I'd consider getting paid childcare and using the grandma for occasional help e.g. weekends or nights out

Why? Confused
Why would you choose to pay someone not related to your child when you've got a perfectly capable and enthusiastic grandma?

loverloverlover · 22/05/2021 10:17

Bless you for the optimism of a weekly date night when you have a newborn. I forgot my own name after my son was born 😂😂

Whinge · 22/05/2021 10:18

Why? Confused Why would you choose to pay someone not related to your child when you've got a perfectly capable and enthusiastic grandma?

Because what starts as a grandparent happily offering to help, often leads to resentment that they always have to be avaialable, never allowed to make plans on those days / no holidays or else the parent then complains about having to find alternative childcare.

Or the grandparent starts to do something the parent doesn't approve of, like proving pudding after each meal, or allowing them to watch tv etc. Which leads to arguments and falling outs. It's difficult for both sides and that's why many will go with paid outside childcare such as a childminder or nursery, as then you have a professional relationship, rather than a personal one.

Frankley · 22/05/2021 10:22

I spent a lot of my time when first retired looking regularly after grandchildren while parents worked. Then taking them to nursery. I didn't need to be paid, in fact l spent a lot of money on books etc for them. I really enjoyed it a lot.
See how it goes.

Curlygirl06 · 22/05/2021 10:28

@shivawn

Also I think you can transfer your national insurance credits to your mum, which might help towards her state pension contributions.

Thank you, I'll look in to this.

You need to look for " specified adult childcare credits". Basically, if you're earning enough to pay NI and getting child benefit, which also gives you NI credits, YOU have the equivalent of double credits each year. You can't take any part of that to another tax year if for example you weren't earning enough to pay NI that year, or have gaps in a year as you're not working. Just because you have double credits one year doesn't add anything to your pension. If your mum is a few years short of NI credits to get a full pension under the new scheme, you can allocate your "spare" NI credits to her so she has a complete year. It's a very easy form to fill out, any questions pm me.
Slinkery · 22/05/2021 10:31

I pay my mum about the same as I pay nursery, so £25 for half a day (8am - 12:30pm) and £50 for a full day (8am - 5pm)

BeaLesshasty · 22/05/2021 10:37

Whinge - how aptly you have named yourself!

Well, yes, it could go wrong and the grandma could turn into a seething pile of resentment or become possessive and refuse to hand the baby back ...

Or lucky parents could get on with working knowing their lucky DC is being cared for by lucky grandma.

Sounds like a win win to me.

Erictheavocado · 22/05/2021 10:37

When my mum looked after my kids she insisted on half my daily pay , her reasoning was that I couldn't work without her doing the childcare, so she was entitled to half what I earned. She was right as my job wasn't highly paid. It did affect our relationship and I ended up changing my hours so that dh could look after the dcs instead. We now look after our dgs and would not dream of asking for, or accepting, payment. DS and DIL will have us round for meals (covid restrictions allowing), we get very thoughtful gifts for birthday and Christmas etc. And of course, dgs more than pays us in cuddles and kisses as well as the lovely memories we are building.
I would not insist on paying your mum - it changes the relationshio to one of employer/employee and I would rather be mum/nanny.

BeaLesshasty · 22/05/2021 10:38

Oh and keep your NI credit for yourself. If DM has chosen to retire early, she's probably banked enough for full state pension.

Whinge · 22/05/2021 10:40

@BeaLesshasty

Whinge - how aptly you have named yourself!

Well, yes, it could go wrong and the grandma could turn into a seething pile of resentment or become possessive and refuse to hand the baby back ...

Or lucky parents could get on with working knowing their lucky DC is being cared for by lucky grandma.

Sounds like a win win to me.

Not sure why you think i'm whinging? Confused You asked why people would use paid childcare rather than a family member, and I explained why they might do so.

It's not an uncommon situation and one that I think needs to be considered.