We're in Southeast Asia (for context - always hot here!)
We live in a flat with a nice balcony with patio furniture off the living room, a not so nice but OK service balcony and small balconies off two of the bedrooms (mine and dh's room and my 14 year old DD2's room). My 17 year old DD1 does not have a balcony.
DD1 has started smoking a few months ago. I HATE it with a passion. My father died of lung cancer and I just hate everything to do with cigarettes. DD1 had some mental health issues and had been drinking, using weed and nitrous oxide too but this has now stopped thankfully but the cigarettes have remained. She's on about 10-20 a day, it's disgusting. Even worse, DD2 has also started and will sneak on to her balcony to smoke.
Anyway, DD1 has been forbidden from smoking on DD2's balcony. So she sits on our nice main balcony and puffs away. School is remote at the moment so she'll sit out there for hours smoking. This means we have to keep the doors shut and it's hot as no breeze so we have to turn on a/c earlier than we might do otherwise plus it wafts into my bedroom (I'm wfh too) so I have shut my window and then turn on a/c. Our balcony furniture smells, there's ash everywhere, the ashtray is always overflowing and no one else can sit on the balcony because she's alwys there smoking. I hate it.
If it were up to me, I'd not allow it and she could go down to the car park to smoke if she wanted to. I feel like we're facilitating her smoking. My DH believes she has the 'right' to smoke on the balcony and I'm being precious about it all. He also constantly says 'well, at least it's not weed/nitrous oxide/alcohol' which I don't feel is a valid argument. I feel very undermined and that I'm being bulldozed by both of them. They tell me I'm being controlling.
It kind of got to a head tonight when DD1 had a friend over who is a mutual friend with DD2 and also smokes. They went to DD2's room and locked the door. I got suspicious when they didn't answer when I knocked and opened with the spare key. THen I found DD2 smoking with DD1 and friend on her balcony. DD1 had offered DD2 a cigarette despite not being allowed to smoke there. So then DD1 and friend wanted to go and smoke on balcony and I got really angry because it's bad enough with DD1's smoking but after having given one to DD2, then I need to put up with DD1 and friend sitting out on balcony? So I told them no, DD1 goes to DH and tells him I said no and can he help, in the meantime I go to kitchen, come back and DD1 and friend on the balcony smoking. I go out and tell them that I don't agree and they can go to the car park. DD1 calls DH who says he think it's fine for them to smoke on the balcony.
I just feel really powerless to stop the smoking despite knowing how the damage it causes. But I wonder if it's an emotional reaction knowing how it killed my Dad with a painful and horrible early death. Am I being unreasonable and controlling? Or would you let your teen DDs smoke in this kind of situation (DH agrees we need to stop DD2 but it's so hard with DD1 constantly smoking)?