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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To HATE my daughter smoking and not allow it on the balcony

128 replies

HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 14:15

We're in Southeast Asia (for context - always hot here!)
We live in a flat with a nice balcony with patio furniture off the living room, a not so nice but OK service balcony and small balconies off two of the bedrooms (mine and dh's room and my 14 year old DD2's room). My 17 year old DD1 does not have a balcony.

DD1 has started smoking a few months ago. I HATE it with a passion. My father died of lung cancer and I just hate everything to do with cigarettes. DD1 had some mental health issues and had been drinking, using weed and nitrous oxide too but this has now stopped thankfully but the cigarettes have remained. She's on about 10-20 a day, it's disgusting. Even worse, DD2 has also started and will sneak on to her balcony to smoke.

Anyway, DD1 has been forbidden from smoking on DD2's balcony. So she sits on our nice main balcony and puffs away. School is remote at the moment so she'll sit out there for hours smoking. This means we have to keep the doors shut and it's hot as no breeze so we have to turn on a/c earlier than we might do otherwise plus it wafts into my bedroom (I'm wfh too) so I have shut my window and then turn on a/c. Our balcony furniture smells, there's ash everywhere, the ashtray is always overflowing and no one else can sit on the balcony because she's alwys there smoking. I hate it.

If it were up to me, I'd not allow it and she could go down to the car park to smoke if she wanted to. I feel like we're facilitating her smoking. My DH believes she has the 'right' to smoke on the balcony and I'm being precious about it all. He also constantly says 'well, at least it's not weed/nitrous oxide/alcohol' which I don't feel is a valid argument. I feel very undermined and that I'm being bulldozed by both of them. They tell me I'm being controlling.

It kind of got to a head tonight when DD1 had a friend over who is a mutual friend with DD2 and also smokes. They went to DD2's room and locked the door. I got suspicious when they didn't answer when I knocked and opened with the spare key. THen I found DD2 smoking with DD1 and friend on her balcony. DD1 had offered DD2 a cigarette despite not being allowed to smoke there. So then DD1 and friend wanted to go and smoke on balcony and I got really angry because it's bad enough with DD1's smoking but after having given one to DD2, then I need to put up with DD1 and friend sitting out on balcony? So I told them no, DD1 goes to DH and tells him I said no and can he help, in the meantime I go to kitchen, come back and DD1 and friend on the balcony smoking. I go out and tell them that I don't agree and they can go to the car park. DD1 calls DH who says he think it's fine for them to smoke on the balcony.

I just feel really powerless to stop the smoking despite knowing how the damage it causes. But I wonder if it's an emotional reaction knowing how it killed my Dad with a painful and horrible early death. Am I being unreasonable and controlling? Or would you let your teen DDs smoke in this kind of situation (DH agrees we need to stop DD2 but it's so hard with DD1 constantly smoking)?

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/05/2021 15:10

Is your DH a smoker? Why does he think it better to smoke cigarettes than weed? I think it was Noel Gallagher who said the worst regret he had was starting smoking. My parents both died of cancer too and I’d be livid if any of my kids smoked cigarettes. The occasional joint I could accept. But daily constant inhalation of smoke is never going to be a good thing. And it’s so so addictive. Being socially ‘acceptable’ makes it harder to give up than other drugs too.

Your DH is being a massive hypocrite if he thinks it’s fine for DD1 to smoke but not DD2 - they’re only a couple of years apart and at 17 DD1’s fresh young lungs are already being poisoned.

I agree with others - you need to make it as inconvenient as possible to give either of them a chance to give up. While she’s able to sit there all day smoking at her leisure of course she won’t give up. And your DD2 is already being drawn into it, so at what age does he concede that she’s ok to fill her body with toxins too?

WyldEast · 21/05/2021 15:11

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep Does he? Why??
Because when OP says no, DH says yes. So DD1 does it with parental permission and OP doesn't get her way. Don't be dense.

Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:11

@murbblurb

just tell her she reeks like a dog turd and you don't want to smell it. If she wants to smoke, she goes somewhere else.

'but it isn't illegal drugs' - she's got a low bar, hasn't she? And no, she does not encourage her young sister to smoke. Hasn't she heard that is causes cancer?

Yes, I've told her how much it smells. FFS, she saw her grandfather die of lung cancer. She doesn't care.

The 'but it isn't illegal drugs' was actually DH explainng to me why I was BU to not allow smoking, not DD.

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/05/2021 15:12

Wow - definitely a DH problem here! I presume this isn't the first time you've fundamentally clashed over raising children/ teens? He sounds a complete tool - is he trying to be the "cool" dad/ parent? His attitude would only make sense if DD was a fully fledged adult who'd returned home under some stressful conditions (divorce, job and home loss etc) not in relation to a 17 year old!

My eldest is 16 and there is no way she'd be allowed to smoke on our property (but thankfully she's very anti smoking having unfortunately and sadly seen poor mil, whom she was close to, die of lung cancer in her 60s Sad )

You're right, your H is wrong, your DD is playing ypu off against each other, which is to be expected because your DH is completely inviting her to!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 21/05/2021 15:13

And your DH undermining you about anything is unacceptable and needs to stop

KidneyBeans · 21/05/2021 15:13

So when I say something along those lines, DH says 'I pay the rent too and I allow her to smoke on the balcony'
Where do we go from there?!

Ask him why his opinion is more important than yours?
Why he supports his daughter in a habit that is dangerous and will likely lead to her early death?
Why he's supporting her getting her younger sister addicted to a habit that may kill her
Why he expects you to have no input into your own home reeking of cigarettes and your very valid health concerns for your children?

If your DD wants to smoke she can move out and do it in her own place. You aren't controlling, you are setting expectations of behaviour in your own home.

He needs to stop being a spineless Disney Dad and be an actual parent

Rumplestrumpet · 21/05/2021 15:13

Your husband is obviously wrong - 17 yr old (child) living in their parents home does not have equal say over house rules as (adult) parents paying the bills. And smoking is disgusting. If you got a flatmate in I'd assume you would chose one who didn't smoke (and who paid rent!!).

But you and your husband have to come to an agreement about this. Conflict in front of the kids will only make it worse.

Not quite sure how you make him see he's being a total dick though....

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/05/2021 15:14

Is your DH a secret/ social smoker by any chance? Or could he be gearing up to leave the family and be a Disney dad?

KidneyBeans · 21/05/2021 15:15

Actually scrub that - she doesn't need to move out, she just needs to smoke elsewhere - simples

Would he be the same if your DDs were knocking back vodka shots every evening?

If not why not?

Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:15

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Is your DH a smoker? Why does he think it better to smoke cigarettes than weed? I think it was Noel Gallagher who said the worst regret he had was starting smoking. My parents both died of cancer too and I’d be livid if any of my kids smoked cigarettes. The occasional joint I could accept. But daily constant inhalation of smoke is never going to be a good thing. And it’s so so addictive. Being socially ‘acceptable’ makes it harder to give up than other drugs too.

Your DH is being a massive hypocrite if he thinks it’s fine for DD1 to smoke but not DD2 - they’re only a couple of years apart and at 17 DD1’s fresh young lungs are already being poisoned.

I agree with others - you need to make it as inconvenient as possible to give either of them a chance to give up. While she’s able to sit there all day smoking at her leisure of course she won’t give up. And your DD2 is already being drawn into it, so at what age does he concede that she’s ok to fill her body with toxins too?

No, he's never touched cigarettes or weed. He doesn't drink either.

So, his justification is because of DD1's mental health problems including anxiety, depression and ADHD. It's true we've had serious problems including self harming and all the illegal drug use. So he says taht cigarettes calm her, she is hardly self harming at all and that this is a good thing. Since DD2 is far more mentally healthy she therefore shouldn't smoke. But, yes, DD2 has said, why is it OK for DD1? DD1 is under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist and takes various medication - I think that it is the correct route to deal with issues, not smoking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:17

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Wow - definitely a DH problem here! I presume this isn't the first time you've fundamentally clashed over raising children/ teens? He sounds a complete tool - is he trying to be the "cool" dad/ parent? His attitude would only make sense if DD was a fully fledged adult who'd returned home under some stressful conditions (divorce, job and home loss etc) not in relation to a 17 year old!

My eldest is 16 and there is no way she'd be allowed to smoke on our property (but thankfully she's very anti smoking having unfortunately and sadly seen poor mil, whom she was close to, die of lung cancer in her 60s Sad )

You're right, your H is wrong, your DD is playing ypu off against each other, which is to be expected because your DH is completely inviting her to!

Shit, you've basically articulated how I've been feeling but I've been made to feel taht I'm the problem here.
OP posts:
Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:19

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Is your DH a secret/ social smoker by any chance? Or could he be gearing up to leave the family and be a Disney dad?
No, that's the furthest from the truth. He's totally devoted Dad who spoils his 'princesses'. Wakes them up in the mornings, makes them breakfast, runs around after them. He's like their butler/valet.

And definitely not a smoker - he's never touched a cigarette in his life.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/05/2021 15:21

You have a DH problem.

Where are the DDs getting the cash for cigarettes? Have you got any way to cut them off?

Its threads like this where I am glad I live in the UK, where generally I dont know anyone who would allow a young person living under their roof to be smoking so much so obviously and culturally it wouldnt be common any more really.

Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:22

@KidneyBeans

*So when I say something along those lines, DH says 'I pay the rent too and I allow her to smoke on the balcony' Where do we go from there?!*

Ask him why his opinion is more important than yours?
Why he supports his daughter in a habit that is dangerous and will likely lead to her early death?
Why he's supporting her getting her younger sister addicted to a habit that may kill her
Why he expects you to have no input into your own home reeking of cigarettes and your very valid health concerns for your children?

If your DD wants to smoke she can move out and do it in her own place. You aren't controlling, you are setting expectations of behaviour in your own home.

He needs to stop being a spineless Disney Dad and be an actual parent

He has this kind of weird attitude that we're a democracy in the family whereas I believe it's a benevolent dictatorship. My opinion is that that the kids don't have equal rights or equal responsibilities of course but he thinks they have equal rights to do what they want in the house.
OP posts:
MissyB1 · 21/05/2021 15:23

He’s gaslighting you. He’s trying to make you believe that he’s the better parent and that you aren’t entitled to have an opinion. He also wants you to believe that what you want will make your dd self harm again or take drugs. None of those issues are your fault and he needs to get his head straight on that. You are not being controlling but maybe he is ....
I would actually think about relationship counselling or family counselling. There are issues between you all to be resolved here, and it’s not just about smoking.

Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:24

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

You have a DH problem.

Where are the DDs getting the cash for cigarettes? Have you got any way to cut them off?

Its threads like this where I am glad I live in the UK, where generally I dont know anyone who would allow a young person living under their roof to be smoking so much so obviously and culturally it wouldnt be common any more really.

Cigarettes are actually comparatively cheap here as cost of living is low. DH gives the girls money whenever they ask . I tried to implement pocket money, never worked because he would always give them more.
OP posts:
Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:24

@MissyB1

He’s gaslighting you. He’s trying to make you believe that he’s the better parent and that you aren’t entitled to have an opinion. He also wants you to believe that what you want will make your dd self harm again or take drugs. None of those issues are your fault and he needs to get his head straight on that. You are not being controlling but maybe he is .... I would actually think about relationship counselling or family counselling. There are issues between you all to be resolved here, and it’s not just about smoking.
Oh man, that's exactly what he says
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 15:25

He has this kind of weird attitude that we're a democracy in the family
To the point of allowing your children to decide to smoke if they choose to.

He sounds like a lily liveried idiot. I couldn't condone my partner choosing to raise our kids this way.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 15:26

Lily livered! Interestingly, "raise" autocorrected to "abuse" as well 🤔

Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:26

There's a narrative in our household that me trying to instil boundaries is what causes DD1 to self harm. DH claims that this is what the psychiatrist told him and that he has to defend DD1 from me and my nefarious influence.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 15:28

@HateCigarettes

There's a narrative in our household that me trying to instil boundaries is what causes DD1 to self harm. DH claims that this is what the psychiatrist told him and that he has to defend DD1 from me and my nefarious influence.
Were you not present at the psychiatrist meetings?
Original poster
HateCigarettes · 21/05/2021 15:32

@GreyhoundG1rl
Not all of them - there have been a lot over the last few years! Sometimes we've only been able to have one parent there.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 15:35

That sounds so difficult. Your dh would appear to be more of a hindrance than a help.

jay55 · 21/05/2021 15:37

Why does your husband think that you should be subjected to passive smoking, especially when you had a parent die of lung cancer?
Why should your health be compromised for your children's stupid decisions?

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 21/05/2021 15:41

Tell him to stop being a drama Queen. No one is (sadly) stopping her smoking you are looking for a solution that allows that without all of you suffering from the impact.

  • your mental health matters too.
  • It’s ‘triggering’ for you for her to smoke because of your fathers death (condolences on your loss btw)
  • you can’t cope with the smell and mess and she’s not cleaning up after herself (presume DH isn’t doing it?)
  • You have proposed a solution that allows her to smoke on service balcony or swap rooms. That inconveniences DD1 a bit, but benefits you, DD2 and him re passive smoking, AC costs, shared environment (use of balcony).
  • His option inconveniences you, DD2 and him, encourages DD2 to smoke (and as parents you BOTH have duty of care here for 14 yo.) and costs more.
  • if he wants to overrule you then he can pay for all the expenses of the flat because
  • you won’t be living in it and
  • neither will DD2 because you’ll be removing her from the risks of passive smoke and incitement to smoke from DD1 (you clearly have evidence of that from what you’ve written) and if he wants a fight legally good fucking luck getting custody when you’ve finished detailing his lax, inadequate and frankly neglectful parenting.