To HATE my daughter smoking and not allow it on the balcony

[HateCigarettes]

We're in Southeast Asia (for context - always hot here!)
We live in a flat with a nice balcony with patio furniture off the living room, a not so nice but OK service balcony and small balconies off two of the bedrooms (mine and dh's room and my 14 year old DD2's room). My 17 year old DD1 does not have a balcony.

DD1 has started smoking a few months ago. I HATE it with a passion. My father died of lung cancer and I just hate everything to do with cigarettes. DD1 had some mental health issues and had been drinking, using weed and nitrous oxide too but this has now stopped thankfully but the cigarettes have remained. She's on about 10-20 a day, it's disgusting. Even worse, DD2 has also started and will sneak on to her balcony to smoke.

Anyway, DD1 has been forbidden from smoking on DD2's balcony. So she sits on our nice main balcony and puffs away. School is remote at the moment so she'll sit out there for hours smoking. This means we have to keep the doors shut and it's hot as no breeze so we have to turn on a/c earlier than we might do otherwise plus it wafts into my bedroom (I'm wfh too) so I have shut my window and then turn on a/c. Our balcony furniture smells, there's ash everywhere, the ashtray is always overflowing and no one else can sit on the balcony because she's alwys there smoking. I hate it.

If it were up to me, I'd not allow it and she could go down to the car park to smoke if she wanted to. I feel like we're facilitating her smoking. My DH believes she has the 'right' to smoke on the balcony and I'm being precious about it all. He also constantly says 'well, at least it's not weed/nitrous oxide/alcohol' which I don't feel is a valid argument. I feel very undermined and that I'm being bulldozed by both of them. They tell me I'm being controlling.

It kind of got to a head tonight when DD1 had a friend over who is a mutual friend with DD2 and also smokes. They went to DD2's room and locked the door. I got suspicious when they didn't answer when I knocked and opened with the spare key. THen I found DD2 smoking with DD1 and friend on her balcony. DD1 had offered DD2 a cigarette despite not being allowed to smoke there. So then DD1 and friend wanted to go and smoke on balcony and I got really angry because it's bad enough with DD1's smoking but after having given one to DD2, then I need to put up with DD1 and friend sitting out on balcony? So I told them no, DD1 goes to DH and tells him I said no and can he help, in the meantime I go to kitchen, come back and DD1 and friend on the balcony smoking. I go out and tell them that I don't agree and they can go to the car park. DD1 calls DH who says he think it's fine for them to smoke on the balcony.

I just feel really powerless to stop the smoking despite knowing how the damage it causes. But I wonder if it's an emotional reaction knowing how it killed my Dad with a painful and horrible early death. Am I being unreasonable and controlling? Or would you let your teen DDs smoke in this kind of situation (DH agrees we need to stop DD2 but it's so hard with DD1 constantly smoking)?

your dh is a dick telling you tis your fault she self harmed-who says that to their wife

Oh ye gods - as usual the problem stems from parents on completely different pages and goes infinitely deeper than the superficial symptom described in the thread title!

The poster who suggested family counseling probably has the only workable idea. You absolutely have to all be on the same page - you cannot possibly help your DD while you're the family scapegoat and DH is trying to align himself with your young teens, playing games with reporting alleged bits of conversation with your DD's therapists to beat you at the game of being the good parent

Its actually worse that your DH isn't just a secret smoker looking to leave - he's seriously damaging your children playing this weird cool dad/ servant/ guard dog/ fellow teen role, and clearly doesn't mind pushing you into an evil villain role to get his saviour/ bff/ cool dad hat!

@jay55

Why does your husband think that you should be subjected to passive smoking, especially when you had a parent die of lung cancer? Why should your health be compromised for your children's stupid decisions?

He says that I'm not since she smokes on the balcony and we can close the doors (meaning we need to turn the a/c on as it is very hot where we live)

I usually work on the adage that I would rather know what my DS was up to so I was always fine about him drinking in the house/backyard rather than in some park somewhere.

But it is your home as well as theirs and she can trot down to the car park to smoke surely?

You are absolutely not in the wrong here. My father died of lung cancer after being a life long smoker and it was a terrible death. He began when he was in his twenties. If your DD has mental problems, as you said there are medications and therapy, or possibly even getting a pet or starting an exercise programme. Smoking is not the answer and as for your 14 yr old starting to smoke, that is just terrible. Teenagers can't make these life and death decisions.

What about your 'right' to sit and enjoy the balcony or enjoy having the windows open?!

This is so weird and your husband is a control freak not you!

@Frequentflier

You are absolutely not in the wrong here. My father died of lung cancer after being a life long smoker and it was a terrible death. He began when he was in his twenties. If your DD has mental problems, as you said there are medications and therapy, or possibly even getting a pet or starting an exercise programme. Smoking is not the answer and as for your 14 yr old starting to smoke, that is just terrible. Teenagers can't make these life and death decisions.

It really is a terrible terrible way to go :( My dad suffered so much but he never knew how bad they were until he was well and truly addicted. I never thought my kids would go down that path.

@FusionChefGeoff

What about your 'right' to sit and enjoy the balcony or enjoy having the windows open?!

This is so weird and your husband is a control freak not you!

Apparently I need to 'compromise' and it's OK because she is not smoking in the flat itself

Then unfortunately it sounds like you're screwed OP

Your DH sounds emotionally abusive and like he has zero respect for you. Do you actually have a relationship?

Do you really want to live like this?

HateCigarettes do visa and/ or financial restrictions mean you can't split up but remain in your current location until dd2 finishes school? It sounds as though you need to do very serious work on your relationship or leave this damaging flump.

What's your situation in terms of funds/housing? I'd seriously be considering leaving him as he clearly has no respect for you to be saying such things about dd1s health.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But, you’re at an impasse and I don’t see a way forward. People can say you have a DH problem but what do you do about it? If there is no getting him to see reason then you’re stuck.

The fact is, no matter how much you don’t like it, you can’t stop her smoking completely. Even if your DH agreed with you, she could still smoke elsewhere. So I think to a degree, you have to set that aside.

In terms of the balcony issue. I think you have to put your DH’s ideas about “democracy” back on him. Say that actually you, as part of the family, cannot enjoy your balcony freely because DD is always there smoking. It’s totally reasonable to say the family balcony is non smoking and your DD should use the service balcony to smoke. I know you’d rather she wasn’t doing it at all but this would be a first step/compromise.

It’s very easy for other people to say “well I wouldn’t allow it” but your DD is practically an adult, you have your DH taking her side so you’re in a really tricky position. You could carry on having a big battle over it but in the long run it’s not really achieving anything other than resentment on all sides. But you do need a long talk with your DH about being more of a team and working together.

They tell me I'm being controlling

You're supposed to be controlling! It's called parenting, and you are the only one doing it. Your DH is absurd

Well, I decided today that I'd had enough with the constant smoking on the balcony and moved the balcony furniture off the nice balcony.

Dh went mad. Said I was bullying and being a dictator and ruining DD1's "corner". Told me the girls despite and hate me for things like this and that I need to leave the home and need to get therapy for my anger and that he has to defend the girls from me.

Not sure where to go from here.

Go get your own flat

I’m so sorry it’s come to this, I don’t see how any therapist could agree with your husband...he’s adamant that what is essentially being a parent and making rules for your children is bullying and making a dictatorship?!
Do you even have somewhere you would go if you left the family home?

No one smokes on my property, indoors or outside.

She wouldn’t get a casual she can go smoke elsewhere conversation from me. My reaction would be quite draconian. I don’t care if she hates me. This is one of those as long as you live under my roof kind of conversations. I’m not living with a smoker. I’m definitely not standing idly by and watching my 17 year old be a smoker.

@Nightfeedwatcher

I’m so sorry it’s come to this, I don’t see how any therapist could agree with your husband...he’s adamant that what is essentially being a parent and making rules for your children is bullying and making a dictatorship?! Do you even have somewhere you would go if you left the family home?

I don't want to just leave the home. We have a younger child and, contrary to what dh thinks, I think the kids also need me.

@Castlepeak

No one smokes on my property, indoors or outside.

She wouldn’t get a casual she can go smoke elsewhere conversation from me. My reaction would be quite draconian. I don’t care if she hates me. This is one of those as long as you live under my roof kind of conversations. I’m not living with a smoker. I’m definitely not standing idly by and watching my 17 year old be a smoker.

Yes, but what do you do when your DH doesn't back you up? If I say that, DH says 'well, it's my roof too and I think it's OK for you to smoke on the balcony'

If you do leave, I would take the younger child with you. I would seriously be questioning your husband’s ability to parent right now. A 17 yo should not smoking, especially in front of her parents.

I'm actually terrified of what would happen if I left. I know the DDs would want to stay with DH because he would let them do whatever they wanted, no rules, no boundaries, no chores, no responsibilities I'm the "strict" one (even thought I don't think I'm particularly strict). I would just be watching from the side as they sank into disaster, especially DD2.

You need to put your foot down. Smoking is NOT ok and harmful, passive smoking the same. You can demand not being exposed to it for health reasons first of all and for protecting the health of your kids! Balcony or not, you must be smelling it. If you d, then obviously this is impacting your health too, and your enjoyment of your home.
Say for example the neighbours were smoking on the balcony but the smell and smoke noticeably in your home... would he be ok with this also??
It's your house and you are the adult, the girls are clearly not and you have all the rights to set your boundary and rules in your house,
Don't feel in the wrong or in doubt for being controlling, you are protecting the girls which is what every sensible parent should do and your DH needs to listen to you and stop legitimising harmful behaviour.
It's difficult to deal with partners that are not in the same page but please stick to your guns.
Have a proper conversation with DH about how he makes you feel. Ggod luck

@HateCigarettes

I'm actually terrified of what would happen if I left. I know the DDs would want to stay with DH because he would let them do whatever they wanted, no rules, no boundaries, no chores, no responsibilities I'm the "strict" one (even thought I don't think I'm particularly strict). I would just be watching from the side as they sank into disaster, especially DD2.

No way you leave because of this.. THEY should all leave if they want to smoke in their own homes and unhappy about the rules in YOUR house. I would kick DD1 out and tell her absolutely not acceptable! You may have to repeat this several times until she starts believing you are serious.. as I said.. stick to your guns.

I wouldn't ever kick DD out, that wouldn't happen. I don't think this is really her fault, she's a teenager and needs boundaries. A lot of teens would probably do the same if they had another parent enabling it. It's true - my problem here is DH, not DD.