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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have stopped organising girls meet ups because of children

96 replies

AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 10:49

I am the only one out of 4 siblings who does not have children.
In the last, we would go out as a group and really enjoy each other’s company. In the last years, as they have had children, it seems they have become completely incapable of being seen anywhere without their children, ever. This is not due to childcare issues.

Am I being unreasonable to want at least 10% of our meet-ups to be sans children?

I love them dearly but would like time to be able to chat or finish a meal at some point, without the screeching and mischief of children having us all scrambling to feed them, entertain them, take them to the loo, clear messes and scrapes.

I’m happy to do this most of the time, just not 100% of the time, especially when there is childcare available.

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 21/05/2021 10:55

Family is family. I'd agree with your post if you were talking about adult friends, but these are your kith and kin.

CounsellorTroi · 21/05/2021 10:56

No you’re not unreasonable. It sounds li,e you have been more than accommodating to them. Wouldn’t kill them to have the occasional childfree meet up.

UhtredRagnarson · 21/05/2021 10:58

Totally not unreasonable. Don’t you ever go out for adult dinners? Or cocktails or the theatre etc? Start suggesting adult only outings.

InTheHeatOfTheSun · 21/05/2021 10:58

You are being completely reasonable. I'm surprised that they don't also want to have some child free time with you. When our children were young, spending some child free time with family/friends was such a treat.

Moondust001 · 21/05/2021 10:58

And this following fast on the heels of the thread about people who object to their friends bringing their dogs on walks or for pub lunches. I wonder if it's the same poster?

MindyStClaire · 21/05/2021 11:03

YANBU, but at the same time... I have two small (preschool) DC and I work fulltime. I prefer not to leave them too much outside of working hours, so if people are willing to do child friendly meet ups then that suits me best. Have you told them you fancy a child free night out? They may genuinely not realise it's an issue, especially since they're family.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 21/05/2021 11:31

Not unreasonable and I'd feel the same if I didn't have kids. However, they are family and probably think you like to see their broods at every gathering!

Gatehouse77 · 21/05/2021 11:43

I’m the only one of my siblings with children and relish the time spent with them and not the kids so I don’t think you’re unreasonable.
When the kids were younger it would be evening or weekend meet ups when DH was around but as they got older it could be anytime.
I can imagine it’s frustrating from your perspective.

GreyEyedWitch · 21/05/2021 11:47

If it were friends then I would agree, but they're your family so YABU.

lastqueenofscotland · 21/05/2021 11:49

YANBU
Once every so often to leave the kids is not an issue at all

Original poster
AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 12:00

@UhtredRagnarson

Totally not unreasonable. Don’t you ever go out for adult dinners? Or cocktails or the theatre etc? Start suggesting adult only outings.
Your first point: Never.

Your second: I’ve suggested lots of child free alternatives over the years. Now I’ve stopped, they can suggest when they’re ready.

The children are delightful, but I really miss adult time.

OP posts:
Kljnmw3459 · 21/05/2021 12:03

Yanbu. I have kids and I really miss childfree gatherings.

Original poster
AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 12:04

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Not unreasonable and I'd feel the same if I didn't have kids. However, they are family and probably think you like to see their broods at every gathering!
I do love to see them, and that’s obvious, but I’ve also once in a blue moon asked if they fancied an adults day/night out.
OP posts:
Stressedtoddlermum · 21/05/2021 12:10

I think it’s a difficult one, especially if you are a working parent then it’s natural for your free time to be spent with your children.

Saying that, I love meeting up with my sisters for lunch without toddler DD. It’s the only time I get any peace and we can really catch up.

I’m pregnant at the moment so it’s a while off but I’m really looking forward to planning some child free meet up’s. So YANBU but neither are they. If they’re your family can you just come out and say it? I wouldn’t be offended if my sister or a friend asked if we could go childfree.

takealettermsjones · 21/05/2021 12:11

Why have you stopped suggesting it? They're parents, so I'm guessing their default is to have their kids with them. If you leave the suggestions up to them, they will obviously suggest child friendly settings? Might be me but I would think that was a given. If you say "shall we have a couple of cocktails, kid free" then it's clear.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/05/2021 12:16

If childcare isn’t an issue for any of them then YANBU. They should want a bit of time away from their children tbh, it’s not easy being around them 24/7!

Original poster
AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 12:26

@takealettermsjones

Why have you stopped suggesting it? They're parents, so I'm guessing their default is to have their kids with them. If you leave the suggestions up to them, they will obviously suggest child friendly settings? Might be me but I would think that was a given. If you say "shall we have a couple of cocktails, kid free" then it's clear.
I’ve said it pretty clearly... would be lovely for all of us to let our hair down on such and such day/night without the kids and have some long overdue proper catch ups and fun. We were all able to enjoy some good jokes and teasing in the past.

Other child inclusive alternatives would then be made saying would really like to bring the little so and so, everyone else is fine with this because they want to bring their kids too, and then it becomes a children’s day... and so it repeats.

I stopped suggesting because I didn’t want to come across to them as child hating or not really liking my nieces and nephews, which is not true. I feel though that at least one of my sisters feels strongly about always bringing her son and doesn’t enjoy my differing suggestions.

So I’ve stopped before it becomes a problem.

OP posts:
autumnboys · 21/05/2021 12:28

I love my nieces and nephews but I don’t want to see them every time I see my sister/SIL/BIL. I’m sure they feel the same way about my kids. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Original poster
AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 12:29

“The little so and so” should be “little so and so”, because I was trying to avoid saying names. Terrible typo!

OP posts:
Everythingfromhome · 21/05/2021 12:30

I don't think anything should be tolerated just because it's 'Family' . Life isn't an episode of Eastenders , FFS.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 21/05/2021 12:31

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

You can't have a normal chat with kids around. I am surprised they can't see that, and can't arrange childcare or get their other halves to look after the kids so you can have an adult day/coffee/dinner/lunch/whatever out.

I don't understand why people assume everyone wants to socialise with their kids/dogs. Sometimes it's unavoidable, but usually it isn't.

Howshouldibehave · 21/05/2021 12:34

I see our friends without the kids a lot, but the kids are always there when I see my siblings-I like it tbh. The kids play and we chat.

Original poster
AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 12:35

There is the stereotype of the childless spinster who can’t stand children, and can smell them at twenty paces, and I don’t want to court the possibility of being seen that way. Grin

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 12:36

As an extra to your usual meet ups could you say "I really want to do X (something that's clearly adult only - cocktails on a Sat night, Dreamboys, whatever) does anyone fancy it? Then if they say oh I want to bring Tommy, how about milkshakes at soft play / Mr Tumble say well we can do that too,but I really want to do X? It doesn't need to be all of you of the sister doesn't want to leave their DC

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 12:36

How old are the kids?