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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have stopped organising girls meet ups because of children

96 replies

AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 10:49

I am the only one out of 4 siblings who does not have children.
In the last, we would go out as a group and really enjoy each other’s company. In the last years, as they have had children, it seems they have become completely incapable of being seen anywhere without their children, ever. This is not due to childcare issues.

Am I being unreasonable to want at least 10% of our meet-ups to be sans children?

I love them dearly but would like time to be able to chat or finish a meal at some point, without the screeching and mischief of children having us all scrambling to feed them, entertain them, take them to the loo, clear messes and scrapes.

I’m happy to do this most of the time, just not 100% of the time, especially when there is childcare available.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/05/2021 12:37

They may be using their babysitters to go out with friends rather than family?

IvanTheDragon · 21/05/2021 12:38

It might work better if you suggested meeting up with just one of them at once without their children, if trying to get them all together at the same time just as adults isn’t working. I think child-free time is important for all kinds of relationships - friends, couples, siblings - but I can see getting 4 sets of children covered at once, especially if they are perhaps each other’s go-to babysitters, could be a headache, even if they all have hands-on partners. Think of a shared interest you have with one of your sisters and invite them out.

motogogo · 21/05/2021 12:39

They probably want to see each other's kids too, family involves the next generation too. The majority rules here I'm afraid. I would never have met up with my siblings without involving my kids

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 12:41

I would never have met up with my siblings without involving my kids would you meet up with friends without kids? Do your relationships with your siblings rank as less needing proper investment because they'll always just be there?

Lottapianos · 21/05/2021 12:45

I'm with you OP. I would find this really tiresome. You can't have a proper adult catch up with children around, however fond you are of the kids

therocinante · 21/05/2021 12:46

YANBU. I've stopped asking one of my friends with children to go to a coffee shop/to a bar/round for lunch/to a theme park/to an escape room/for afternoon tea/anything because she brings her 3 children every time (despite the fact that their father is available at home) because 'it'll be fun for you to see the kids/they've missed you/you'll get baby snuggles'. There's no kind or friendship-saving way to say to her that as cute as her kids are, I'm not always particularly interested in them or in the version of her that shows up with them, because she spends the entire time chasing/cleaning up/soothing/talking to/playing with them. Last time I saw her she spent an hour talking to her toddler, telling me about the baby's bowel movements and the 9 year old's school progress, then left cos it was naptime. I may as well have been a piece of furniture.

Obviously not all my friends with children are like that, but it's just like she can't see that while I've spent 9 years being as supportive and asking the right questions and engaged with her kids as possible (even though she did theoretically know, pre baby, that I don't particularly care about kids - she seems to think hers are the exception to the rule) that I might just want adult conversation for once or to be able to talk to her about something difficult (or even just have fun as two adults spending time together without a baby throwing up on us). So I've given up asking.

Mandsy100 · 21/05/2021 12:49

I think yabu. Given that they have childcare options yet choose not to use that, means they want to be with their dc. All of them seem to feel the same so you unfortunately need to just deal with it. Bringing it up will only offend someone. I have a group of friends and our kids are around the same ages. Weekends are the only time everyone is available and it's also family time as everyone is busy during the week. So meet ups are usually with the kids because we choose that. Maybe your siblings feel the same?

ElizabethTudor · 21/05/2021 12:50

@TwoAndAnOnion

Family is family. I'd agree with your post if you were talking about adult friends, but these are your kith and kin.

What’s that got to do with the price of fish? She should still be able to meet up with her siblings without their kids in tow. I assume their kids are not physically attached to her siblings, plus she says alternative childcare is available.

ElizabethTudor · 21/05/2021 12:51

So in short @AwayWithYou YANBU.

TheUndoingProject · 21/05/2021 12:53

You’re talking about it like these are your friends kids and are nothing to do with you. They’re your nieces and nephews. I think your siblings will assume that as an aunt you want to spent time with your nieces and nephews and it will be very difficult for you to rebut that assumption without being very brutal about it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/05/2021 12:56

Do they already leave their children in childcare all week to go to work?

In my family it's quite rare to suggest a day time meet up without children as we are all very aware that when you work 5 days a week, weekend time is your only proper chance to spend time with your children.

Yanbu to expect some evening meet ups though, eg for dinner & drinks without children.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/05/2021 12:57

Also my siblings almost always want to see my children. I was the last to have children but never minded my nieces and nephews coming along in the day time .

takealettermsjones · 21/05/2021 12:58

Ah I see, I thought you hadn't said anything or you'd just stopped inviting them etc.

I haven't voted because I don't think anybody's being unreasonable here.

They're allowed to want to spend all their free time with their children, if that's what they want. To some extent, being friends with parents means that they come as a package deal with the kids too. I have child free friends and I try hard not to be that parent where everything I say revolves around my kids, but I would also be a bit about friends who weren't understanding of the fact that my life is different now, and I can't do child free stuff as much (or at all, sometimes). The really good friends are the ones who embrace the kids too. And I know that's really hard if you don't particularly like/get on with kids all the time.

But of course you're not being unreasonable either to want child free time. Unfortunately if that's something they're not happy with, you're going to have to accept that your relationship with them isn't what it was any more. It's a sad fact that having kids does end/change some friendships. It's no one's fault, it just happens.

I have a family member who constantly pushes to see me one on one, and I don't want to, because it makes me uncomfortable. Obviously I'm not suggesting this is happening in your situation! Just making the point that my family member doesn't get to demand alone time with me. If she doesn't want to see me in a group, she doesn't see me. Sounds harsh, but everyone's allowed to set boundaries.

Excilente · 21/05/2021 12:59

can i suggest you say something like "i love the kids, and love spending time with them, but i miss it just being us guys.. do you think we can arrange a meet with just us 4?"

myfuckingfreezer · 21/05/2021 13:01

I think the problem is the herd. Try meeting up one on one without kids then once they're over the hump, move to group stuff!

UhtredRagnarson · 21/05/2021 13:02

What would their responses be if you sent a message saying “[your local Indian/Chinese/Italian restaurant name] on Saturday night ladies, what do you think?”

PurpleDaisies · 21/05/2021 13:03

@motogogo

They probably want to see each other's kids too, family involves the next generation too. The majority rules here I'm afraid. I would never have met up with my siblings without involving my kids

That’s so depressing. I love my sisters and we just can’t have grown up conversations with children around. That’s not to say I don’t love seeing my nieces and nephews. It doesn’t have to be every time.

YANBU at all OP.

UhtredRagnarson · 21/05/2021 13:03

@myfuckingfreezer

I think the problem is the herd. Try meeting up one on one without kids then once they're over the hump, move to group stuff!

Yes!! Pick the one that is least likely to suggest bringing her Dc and also her to go out for dinner/cocktails. Then only after the event let the others know you had a great night out. They’ll be jealous

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 13:04

@TheUndoingProject

Op DOES want to spend time with them though, it's entirely unfair to make out she doesn't. But she'd like the odd time to be about them as adult siblings talking and connecting in a way you just can't with kids. You just can't focus on each other in the same way if you're chasing after kids,getting them to eat, to sleep etc or they're old enough to listen in.

AlessandroVasectomi · 21/05/2021 13:05

I’m a grandpa, so I’ve had my turn at children inclusive outings and meet-ups. It was many years ago, but in a perhaps perverse sort of way I enjoyed the anarchy of having young children around. Accept that children will not enable serious conversations to take place and just go with the flow.

As a grandpa, I love that aspect even more. I have more time than when I was working, so I don’t mind it being ‘wasted’ on our granddaughter. I have far more time and patience for her than I had with my sons now that I don’t have the additional worries of work and paying the mortgage etc constantly in the background.

I do understand the preference for occasional child-free meet-ups, but my view is that family is family and you adapt to the changing shape of your own family. Children aren’t children forever and as they grow up, civilised, uninterrupted conversation becomes easier.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/05/2021 13:07

Also have you talked to them about childcare? Before I was a parent I was blissfully naive about childcare, assuming as long as you could afford it you just book a babysitter & voila, I didnt really discover until I had my own that very young children can be absolutely terrified by being left with a total stranger, and that the childminders/nurseries people use for regular care where their child is familiar with the carer, won't be available on a weekend. It's often surprisingly hard to coordinate multiple sets of in laws to babysit for a group meet up.

OP are you asking for evening meet ups that can be coordinated after the youngest kids are put to bed? That's your best bet & is what I do to meet my siblings.

blackcat86 · 21/05/2021 13:08

You're not unreasonable to want that but you also have to appreciate that when people become parents their whole life changes. Children aren't toys to be picked up and put when convenient. Just because there is childcare avaliable it doesn't mean they will always want to use it because they want more time with their children. It's unfortunate that you aren't willing to accept you family as it is now rather than living for the 'glory days'. If you have children in the future you may have a different perspective. If you want want create child free time then do it with drinks in the evening or whatever.

wildeverose · 21/05/2021 13:11

I'm going for dinner this evening with my two oldest friends, without any of our kids and we are all thrilled - of course YANBU. I adore all of our children, but self care is so important. Of course you deserve to have adult time too.

VodkaSlimline · 21/05/2021 13:15

YANBU but these are your siblings. Just be honest with them. Can't you get in quickly and book some evening dinners out while the limit is still 6 people? That will help!

InTheNightGarter · 21/05/2021 13:18

You're not unreasonable to want the child free time and they're not unreasonable to want to bring their kids. If they refuse your invitations then you can't force them into it, you have to accept they don't want any adult only time.

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