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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have stopped organising girls meet ups because of children

96 replies

AwayWithYou · 21/05/2021 10:49

I am the only one out of 4 siblings who does not have children.
In the last, we would go out as a group and really enjoy each other’s company. In the last years, as they have had children, it seems they have become completely incapable of being seen anywhere without their children, ever. This is not due to childcare issues.

Am I being unreasonable to want at least 10% of our meet-ups to be sans children?

I love them dearly but would like time to be able to chat or finish a meal at some point, without the screeching and mischief of children having us all scrambling to feed them, entertain them, take them to the loo, clear messes and scrapes.

I’m happy to do this most of the time, just not 100% of the time, especially when there is childcare available.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 21/05/2021 13:21

We all have kids and if we were arranging to meet for dinner there's no way in hell any of us would bring our kids. We go away for weekends - again not a child in sight. I would hate if my siblings expected kids to be involved in every meet up.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/05/2021 13:22

Neither you nor they are unreasonable, you just have different priorities.

I doubt you'll get far asked them to prioritise your preference over their dc though. If they don't want to be away from their dc, then I guess you get to choose whether to put up with it or see them less.

The young kids stage doesn't last forever, but dc are (understandably) mentally consuming for their parents.

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 21/05/2021 13:28

We did everything together whilst the children were very young, I was never keen to leave them with strangers and random babysitters.

I would make plans with friends that also enjoy adult activities, and would not put pressure on your family to leave their children, if they wanted 'adult time' they would arrange it.

They like being together probably, and doing things as a family. It would be better if you found other ways to enjoy childfree time, and accept that for now they are not keen and have other priorities.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/05/2021 13:33

Do they still want girls' meet-ups? It sounds like they don't and they like things how they are, so you might have to look elsewhere for that kind of relationship. They might come back around to it, but life goes in phases and they don't sound to be in an adults-only dinner and drinks mode for now.

HollowTalk · 21/05/2021 13:41

People are so strange - this is just like that thread where a guy brought his teenage son along to an adult night out (and then didn't seem to have anything to do with him all night, leaving him to harangue the poor OP.)

It's so boring to always have to have children with you all of the time. Of course you can't talk in the same way when they're there (or you shouldn't, anyway.) Some things are nothing to do with the children and some things aren't suitable for them to hear anyway.

I agree with the poster who says you should message saying, "What about a meal at the local pub/restaurant on X night - no kids, just us for a few drinks and a catch up?"

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/05/2021 13:41

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. Its totally not the same with kids there and most of the time you can't even have a proper conversation or feel like you've actually caught up with your friends or family when kids are there.
Eg you go out for a meal, you explain the menu to your kid, set them up with activities, still get interrupted every 2 seconds, have to help them cut up their food, take them to the toilets, mop up spills etc...its not enjoyable to do this every single time.

And to the people saying they work full time and want to spend the rest of the time with their kids because they're only young once etc...I work 4 days, long hours at the moment, and I still don't think its healthy to just do work and kids so make sure I see adult friends separately. I couldn't when I was breastfeeding for the first few months but I did recognise that I needed my own adult relationships separate to being a family or a mum. The OP is talking about an evening meal or a few evening drinks, surely if most young kids go to bed around 7.30 there is still time to go out for a few hours.

I get babysitters are expensive and people arent always comfortable leaving their children with other people. But unless her siblings are all single parents with no involvement from the father then surely they can leave the father to look after the kids for a couple of hours, when they are asleep!

I don't get this 'now I'm a mother, 100% of my life has to revolve around kids' thing. I bet the OPs brothers/ brothers in law doesnt ask to bring their kids when their mates ask them to meet in the pub, or suggest a trip to the zoo instead of an adults only activity.

You're only asking for an occasional adults only few hours and they're family, I think it's a bit selfish they are putting their preferences for family activities infront of yours every single time and not wanting to compromise even occasionally

namechangingforthis19586 · 21/05/2021 13:42

You're not unreasonable to want it. They're not unreasonable not to want it and they're under no obligation to leave children behind.

I think you're framing this in the wrong way.

Also, it's clear that your family is evolving. You're outnumbered so you will have to accept this. Teenagers are funny.

Deedoubleyou · 21/05/2021 13:42

I think probably your siblings will see meetups as a chance for the kids to see their cousins and will have no idea you are feeling this way. Suggest a night out that can be no way construed as a kid friendly event and see what the reaction is?

PurpleDaisies · 21/05/2021 13:43

We did everything together whilst the children were very young, I was never keen to leave them with strangers and random babysitters.

These siblings could presumably leave the children with their other parent. That’s what my sisters do. The op doesn’t say anything about wanting to meet up as couples.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/05/2021 13:46

I think I'd keep asking. Say you fancy booking a table at x cocktail bar one night and ask if anyone wants to join you etc. Buy them vouchers for something for their birthday that isnt child friendly and suggest you join them etc

Bourbonic · 21/05/2021 13:59

Thankfully my siblings are too old to have small children, but I have family members who bring their small kids to every event and it really pisses me off as I'd quite like to drink my cocktail, enjoy my meal and be able to converse with my adult relatives without children running at us and screeching. It really changes the feel of the get together.

babbaloushka · 21/05/2021 14:01

Is it not nice for the kids to see their cousins? I remember it being hell to try and juggle every obligation when mine were young, they probably don't consider childcare because the kids really enjoy spending time together, so it's nice for everyone.

PurpleDaisies · 21/05/2021 14:02

@babbaloushka

Why does that need to be every time?

It’s not necessarily nice for everyone if you’re the only one without children, especially if that’s not by choice.

Ventiicedcoffee · 21/05/2021 14:03

@TwoAndAnOnion

Family is family. I'd agree with your post if you were talking about adult friends, but these are your kith and kin.

Complete nonsense. So you should never see your siblings or family without offspring? Nope that's redic.

TicTacHoh · 21/05/2021 14:04

Thinking about it, I see my friends without kids sometimes, but never siblings. Yanbu if this is something you all did, can you take the lead and book something? I have to be honest though, with small children, child free evenings involve organising childcare, but also a day of prepping food for them, packing toys and nappies etc for a visit to their GP’s, around my normal day to day life where I never seem to get anything done as it is. This is exhausting to me at the minute; it would never occur to me to suggest it. I’d probably make the effort if it was suggested, however.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/05/2021 14:05

What about a meal at the local pub/restaurant on X night - no kids, just us for a few drinks and a catch up?

I think that's a good suggestion as long as OP is braced in case they aren't keen. Agree it's healthy to have adults-only meetings, but we don't know that they don't already do that with other adult friends and may prefer family meetings to include their DC now. With limited time, the pub suggestion might be a heartsink for some. I wouldn't push it tbh as it's pretty clear what their inclinations are.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 14:05

You are not remotely unreasonable. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Ventiicedcoffee · 21/05/2021 14:06

I suppose though it depends if you have a genuine friendship with your siblings.

My sister is probably my closest friend. So it juat feels bonkers that people put family in this different category.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 21/05/2021 14:07

Are the children very young? It’s just when my friends and I meet up we all normally being along at least some of the children - combination of logistics, people don’t want to leave them too long, etc. Tbh, they don’t disrupt our fun at all! The younger kids don’t get what we’re talking about anyway and just sit and play with toys/colour/nap in the buggy (depending on age) and the older ones go off and play, and we don’t hear a peep from them! Still have the same old jokes and laughs and inappropriate conversations we always have! Are your siblings a little bit “helicopter parents”? Or are the kids quite badly behaved or whiny?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 21/05/2021 14:08

I'm with you op. It gets tedious. I'd go along with the suggestion of drinks at x on x evening. When is your birthday? That's also a good excuse as it's what you want to do for your birthday celebrations.

Is there one you are closer to that you could sound out?

Jumpingintosummer · 21/05/2021 14:08

I completely agree with you and I have children. It’s so important to have adult time too, time to talk about things not for little ears!

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/05/2021 14:08

I would never have met up with my siblings without involving my kids
That actually sounds a bit odd, tbh.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 21/05/2021 14:10

(Obviously they wouldn’t come to a cocktail bar though!)
Why not organise a bbq at your house? Plenty of time for adult chats and fun, and the kids can go and play elsewhere in the garden or something?

PurpleDaisies · 21/05/2021 14:11

Tbh, they don’t disrupt our fun at all! The younger kids don’t get what we’re talking about anyway and just sit and play with toys/colour/nap in the buggy (depending on age) and the older ones go off and play, and we don’t hear a peep from them!
You’re taking about friends’ children which is different to children who want to play with auntie purple because she’s come to visit. To be honest, my experiences meeting up with friends with children doesn’t bear much resemblance to the idyllic picture you’re painting here.

Bourbonic · 21/05/2021 14:13

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

(Obviously they wouldn’t come to a cocktail bar though!) Why not organise a bbq at your house? Plenty of time for adult chats and fun, and the kids can go and play elsewhere in the garden or something?

Presumably because she wants to see her sibings without the children being there!

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