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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying child’s stepmother for childcare services

98 replies

21biobaby · 21/05/2021 10:40

My mum ex and I have 1DC. I am the primary parent who works FT, DC is with me 6 nights a week and with ex 1 night (Sunday evening to school drop off). I have requested that ex contribute more childcare wise (my parent has dc after school and I collect them after work). Ex has proposed we both pay his wife (who is pregnant and has 1DC with him already) to collect our child from school until he is home from work. I’m against this as I have no set amount for financial help from ex towards DC and I am very generous towards ex new DC. I have said the situation of paying his wife wouldn’t work for me and I understand if his wife cannot help out with school pick up/ childcare, AIBU to not want to pay his wife to help look after our DC( and not expect her to).

OP posts:
Original poster
21biobaby · 21/05/2021 10:41

Apologies first time poster please ignore the my mum** at the start of the post 😅

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 10:45

Do you want them to pay more money to cover childcare or to have the child more?

StormzyInaDCup · 21/05/2021 10:45

What are you expecting him to do? If your parent has the child, at no cost to you then what are you asking for?

It's not for the step mum to offer you both free child care for your child. Your ex is right and she should be paid for it.

Go to cms if he is not paying maintenance or suggest he foot the bill for his wife's childcare.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 10:48

I think you need to sort proper financial support and tell him he needs to see how child for more than 3 waking hours a week

TwoAndAnOnion · 21/05/2021 10:48

AIBU to not want to pay his wife to help look after our DC

Ex has proposed we both pay his wife

You have the residency on those nights, surely it is your responsibility to source childcare? Someone is going to have to be paid if you are both working, you are currently using your parents, presumably free.

He has offered a source of child care - his wife - and offered to (presumably) go halves with you. What alternative solution do you have in mind if you are both working?

Can you give a reason why you don't want to pay her?

My argument would be that she is not a qualified childminder.

JSL52 · 21/05/2021 10:53

I can't understand why he sees your (and his) child so little ?

Original poster
21biobaby · 21/05/2021 10:54

We have come to a solution that suits us all. I just wanted opinions on paying his wife for childcare, his wife is lovely btw we have a good relationship! CMS isn’t the route I want to go down but thanks for the suggestions everyone!

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 21/05/2021 10:57

YANBU but I don’t understand why you don’t seem to mind that he doesn’t pay maintenance

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/05/2021 10:59

Surely the solution is to claim maintenence and use that towards childcare?

You have presented a problem, there are a few solutions, but you don't seem to want any of them? What do you want? Confused

Quartz2208 · 21/05/2021 11:02

You need I think to frame it differently.

First off he needs to pay maintenance - end of. If you dont need it put it in a savings account for your children

Secondly you dont want him to contribute more childcare wise you want him to have his children more. Once he has the children more how it works for childcare on his time is his issue

Because this solution clearly doesnt suit you all because you want to change it

Scarydinosaurs · 21/05/2021 11:02

Claim maintenance then use that money to pay for childcare.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 11:03

So you have a system where you're both happy that involves him offering neither adequate financial or physical support and has now moved on to have more children with a woman he wants you to pay to look after your child even though she's virtually a stranger?

whosappleman · 21/05/2021 11:03

He wants you to pay for HIS child to be at his house? And he doesn't pay you maintenance?

Fair enough it's his wife's time being taken up but the child will be at his dad's house sting his dad's food etc. I can't BELIEVE they'd charge you for this?

Unless she's a qualified childminder?

If he paid maintenance then he could ask for a reduction for the day his wife brings his son home but as he doesn't I'm not really sure how he can justify you paying money in to their household AND having your son 6 days out of 7.

LemonSqueezy0 · 21/05/2021 11:03

Tbh it's between all of you. If you don't want to go to CMS, and don't seem keen to change the levels of access then that's that. That is what common sense would tell most people to do (without knowing the intricate detail of your situation)

In regard to paying his new partner - how much? And would you pay someone else eg an independent person, or someone with a relevant qualification? Are you cutting your nose off to spite your face? If you have real concerns, then voice them. But obviously be prepared to answer why you're happy for her to do this child minding for free, but draw the line at paying her. Or being happy to pay someone else.

whosappleman · 21/05/2021 11:07

As yes I think you need to reframe it... you're not asking him for help with childcare, you're asking him to have his son more often. Which is reasonable. If he wants to outsource that responsibility to his wife then that's his business but pay for it?! Nah.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 21/05/2021 11:12

Agree with others that he needs to have dc more and also pay maintenance, however I also agree with you that it would be completely inappropriate to pay his wife to have your dc.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 11:18

Thing is you wouldn't both be paying her, surely it's "family" money one way or another so he wants paying for the child to be at his home despite not paying you properly for when they're at yours

Atalantea · 21/05/2021 11:20

so do you get maintenance at all? I’m against this as I have no set amount for financial help from ex towards DC

surely that would be offset against how much he /his family have the DC?

Chloemol · 21/05/2021 11:26

It’s your responsibility to source childcare as the parent who has them the most ( although he should sort childcare if he has them )

So to me options are

  1. Continue as you are, if your parents are happy for that
  2. Find childcare elsewhere and you pay for it
3 He has the child more nights a week and sorts childcare out on those nights 4 you sort out regular financial support from your ex that is used towards childcare
minipie · 21/05/2021 11:27

Either he needs to pay you more so you can afford childcare, or he needs to see his child more.

If he wants to choose more contact time and pay his wife to look after his DC who is not hers then that is his choice. I cannot for the life of me see why you should pay her though.

viques · 21/05/2021 11:27

@Scarydinosaurs

Claim maintenance then use that money to pay for childcare.
Oh scarey, scarey dinosaurs. You should know by now that simple, logical, obvious, fair and rational solutions don’t go down well on MN!

Have aBrew , watch and learn.

NewlyGranny · 21/05/2021 11:29

Given what we have learned recently from another thread, OP, I'd be checking that ex has actually consulted his DW before offering you her labour, paid or otherwise!

Singalongasong · 21/05/2021 11:31

Where would you prefer DC to be, if money were no object? With your parents, with ex's wife or with a 3rd party Eg after school club? What do you think would suit them best? How do your parents feel about having them, honestly?

Original poster
21biobaby · 21/05/2021 11:33

He most definitely has not! I wouldn’t want to look after another child 30+ weeks pregnant with a child under 2 either which is why I was bemused at the solution. Confused

OP posts:
MoodyMooToo · 21/05/2021 11:38

I wouldn’t pay step parent for providing childcare to be honest. Your ex needs to step up more or help contribute to childcare fees at a provider.