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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying child’s stepmother for childcare services

98 replies

21biobaby · 21/05/2021 10:40

My mum ex and I have 1DC. I am the primary parent who works FT, DC is with me 6 nights a week and with ex 1 night (Sunday evening to school drop off). I have requested that ex contribute more childcare wise (my parent has dc after school and I collect them after work). Ex has proposed we both pay his wife (who is pregnant and has 1DC with him already) to collect our child from school until he is home from work. I’m against this as I have no set amount for financial help from ex towards DC and I am very generous towards ex new DC. I have said the situation of paying his wife wouldn’t work for me and I understand if his wife cannot help out with school pick up/ childcare, AIBU to not want to pay his wife to help look after our DC( and not expect her to).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 12:17

If he isn't working, he can look after HIS child.
If he is working, claim CMS for goodness sake and stop letting him treat his daughter like a cash cow

DroopyDaff · 21/05/2021 12:20

Also is he working? Is that why he’s suggesting his partner look after his/your DC?

If not, he should be looking after his DC HIMSELF so you can work to provide for the child while he isn’t!

TwitchyLittleFerret · 21/05/2021 12:32

@21biobaby

We have not official amount in place for him to pay and the pandemic has caused him be without work for some time.
But if he's out of work what is he doing that means he can't look after his child? Why would his wife even come into this... I'm surprised you're even considering it!
3peassuit · 21/05/2021 12:32

If he’s not working why is he suggesting his partner be paid for childcare. Why can’t he look after his child himself? Get the CFer to pay proper maintenance.

Atalantea · 21/05/2021 12:37

Along with everyone else.... why doesn't he look after his child if he is not working

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 21/05/2021 12:38

@whosappleman

He wants you to pay for HIS child to be at his house? And he doesn't pay you maintenance?

Fair enough it's his wife's time being taken up but the child will be at his dad's house sting his dad's food etc. I can't BELIEVE they'd charge you for this?

Unless she's a qualified childminder?

If he paid maintenance then he could ask for a reduction for the day his wife brings his son home but as he doesn't I'm not really sure how he can justify you paying money in to their household AND having your son 6 days out of 7.

I agree with this
RealhousewifeofStoke · 21/05/2021 12:41

He’s an absolute tosser.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 21/05/2021 12:42

Since the Ex is working, I think you either need to go down the CMS route or come to your own financial arrangement whereby he gives you money to pay for childcare.

How did you not laugh in his face when he came up with this batshit crazy idea?

I'm buggered if I would basically pay my ex to look after his own child when he doesn't even pay minimal maintenance.

mainsfed · 21/05/2021 12:48

@SwimBaby

I think it’s a good solution.
No, a good solution would be ex getting off his arse and looking after his own DC 50/50.
Longdistance · 21/05/2021 12:48

I can see why he’s your ex. I bet he’ll get dw to do the work and he’ll pocket the money.

JMJTHEWEEDONKEY · 21/05/2021 12:48

I'm not normally shocked by many things but I am at this!

As the previous posters above me have stated I would see about sorting out proper maintenance.

What he is doing is beyond shocking especially the whole suggestion about paying his wife for childcare. I am not saying that she should be doing childcare etc but I feel that the whole paying for his own child to be watched by his current wife is bizarre and completely off.

Also, your child deserves to be treated the same so please see about calling regarding maintenance and don't worry about what he thinks about this as no doubt he will claim he will pay you more if you don't etc the usual nonsense. I would put the claim in asap.

SwimBaby · 21/05/2021 12:51

mainsfed I agree but I don’t think that is going to happen.

GroovyClementine · 21/05/2021 12:59

I am willing to bet his wife knows nothing of this payment for childcare suggestion.

I think he is just trying to take your money.

It will, no doubt, give him some cash to go out and spend while he is busy ignoring your child.

Your ex is a colossal piece of shit.

Eaststreet · 21/05/2021 13:00

Forgive me if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick but is this about him wanting to see child more during the week but unable to do school pick up?

If he asked to see child during the week but needed to put child in after school club before he could pick up, you be happy to split that cost? Or would you want him to pay for that himself?

If you’d happily split the cost of after-school club or childminder, I think pay the wife. I think the fact it’s his wife it’s clouding the situation. I

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2021 13:01

He can pay his wife to look after dc two days a week after school. Your parents do the other days - that's your contribution.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 21/05/2021 13:08

I honestly don't understand how he can not pay maintenance hut expect you to pay "maintenance" for the one day a week he is supposed to see his own child? (but it would be the child's step mother who would see child?)

What a collasal cheeky fuck. I guess the best part of the story is that he's not your problem anymore. Poor current wife.

Devlesko · 21/05/2021 13:16

Go to court nd sort out 50/50 he'll have to step up then, and he cn pay his own wife/ childcare.

Adelais · 21/05/2021 13:24

So he only has your child on a Sunday evening and doesn’t pay you anything?! Have you asked him for money? Is he working now?

OverTheRubicon · 21/05/2021 13:42

If he paid maintenance then he could ask for a reduction for the day his wife brings his son home but as he doesn't I'm not really sure how he can justify you paying money in to their household AND having your son 6 days out of 7.

This.

glitterndirt · 21/05/2021 13:48

Ok I'm really surprised at the responses on here...The idea of a stepmom wanting money to look after their stepchild is abhorrant to me, I feel sorry for the child in this, no step child should ever be an inconvenience to be paid for!!!

DianeCherry · 21/05/2021 13:49

If the stepmother accepts payment for childcare then she must register with Ofsted and undertake the necessary training. That's the law.

MyMajesty · 21/05/2021 13:50

The stepmum probably hasn't been asked.
Sounds like the ex is a CF.

Diwoo · 21/05/2021 13:53

I'd tell him that he can pay his wife, he can deduct it from the money he is paying you.....

Pinkpaisley · 21/05/2021 13:53

She shouldn’t be expected to provide child care for free so in theory, it makes sense. In practice, I would refuse. It means paying him to take care of his own child. I would counter that you should find a child-minder or nanny and each parent pays half of the cost.

bigbaggyeyes · 21/05/2021 13:53

Paying the step mum sounds batshit. It's not her responsibility to look after your dc. However there is nothing wrong with asking the child's father to help out.

Also go via cms for cm. that way you might be able to afford childcare