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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying child’s stepmother for childcare services

98 replies

21biobaby · 21/05/2021 10:40

My mum ex and I have 1DC. I am the primary parent who works FT, DC is with me 6 nights a week and with ex 1 night (Sunday evening to school drop off). I have requested that ex contribute more childcare wise (my parent has dc after school and I collect them after work). Ex has proposed we both pay his wife (who is pregnant and has 1DC with him already) to collect our child from school until he is home from work. I’m against this as I have no set amount for financial help from ex towards DC and I am very generous towards ex new DC. I have said the situation of paying his wife wouldn’t work for me and I understand if his wife cannot help out with school pick up/ childcare, AIBU to not want to pay his wife to help look after our DC( and not expect her to).

OP posts:

5128gap · 21/05/2021 13:54

I don't think YABU. I think its perfectly reasonable to expect him to take on a greater share of child care. It is very unequal at present.
This is the point I would be discussing, as all the business about his wife is clouding the issue. Not to mention being of benefit to his household at the expense of yours.
Talk to him about how many days you would like him to be responsible for your children, and once a fairer split has been negotiated, if he want to pay his wife to help him on his watch, that's his business, just as your parents helping you on your days is yours.
If he refuses extra days then I would be wanting to discuss a suitable financial contribution from him to off set your additional childcare responsibilities.

Diwoo · 21/05/2021 13:55

@Hankunamatata

He can pay his wife to look after dc two days a week after school. Your parents do the other days - that's your contribution.

yes, tell him that they are asking for payment too, so 50/50 on it all means he owes you £x

RealhousewifeofStoke · 21/05/2021 14:04

@glitterndirt

Ok I'm really surprised at the responses on here...The idea of a stepmom wanting money to look after their stepchild is abhorrant to me, I feel sorry for the child in this, no step child should ever be an inconvenience to be paid for!!!

New to MN are you ?

Crunchymum · 21/05/2021 14:06

I assume your current childcare is free?

So this new proposal would see you lose money? Feck that.

I would also hazard a guess that it's not the wife who has made this suggestion (if she even knows about it!!)

Ideasplease322 · 21/05/2021 14:33

He needs to pay for fifty percent of his child’s costs. Does he pay your parents for their childcare?

This is a ridiculous suggestion. He should pay proper child support and stop trying to get money out of you.

glitterndirt · 21/05/2021 14:40

@RealhousewifeofStoke I actually am So is this a thing then??!

ConfusedAdultFemale · 21/05/2021 14:46

No useful advice, but wanted to say I think it’s lovely you considered how far pregnant she was and how exhausted she must be with a child under 2 as it is. Clearly you care more than your ex!

whosappleman · 21/05/2021 14:48

I think this is the most bizarre thing I've ever read on here

CornishGem1975 · 21/05/2021 14:50

No, you shouldn't pay the SM to look after your child. It's not their responsibility to cover childcare if it's not their contact time, and if your parents are doing it already I assume you're not paying them.

Blackhawkdown2020 · 21/05/2021 14:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 14:53

@glitterndirt

Hey in fairness it's the child's dad that suggested this, not his wife!

whosappleman · 21/05/2021 15:01

This is actually the kind of shot my ex would try and pull and his wife would be mortified

FishyFriday · 21/05/2021 15:13

I'm perplexed.

Why would you pay for your husband to subcontract having your (and his) child to his new wife. Either he's having contact and it's entirely up to him how he organises the childcare (he can pay his wife if that's how they want to do things) or he isn't having contact and it's your responsibility. One parent is always responsible for the children, whether they're looking after them themselves or paying for childcare.

Child maintenance is then supposed to make up for the discrepancy in how often each parent is responsible for the children. I just don't understand the whole 'I don't want to go down the CMS route' thing. It's not a thing to somehow be exempt from the child maintenance system. It's just a basic parental responsibility after a split.

Use the CMS calculator. Tell him that he needs to pay you at least whatever amount it says. If he refuses, then get the CMS to deduct it from his wages. Use the money to pay your mum if you like. Or an actual childminder. Or take the kids on a fancy holiday when travel is a possibility. Whatever.

Their father is only seeing them 1 night a week. That's pretty pathetic. Even more so if he wants to avoid paying proper maintenance and actually charge you for him seeing his children.

thedogtookit · 21/05/2021 15:18

Some men must have magical dicks honestly.

Original poster

21biobaby · 21/05/2021 18:16

Thank you all for the constructive recommendations. Its clear overall we (ex and I) need a structured arrangement in splitting contact time more evenly!

OP posts:

Atalantea · 21/05/2021 22:51

So you have dc for 6 days out of 7 and he pays no support

You want some support, ex to look after his own child for a few hours, and he wants maintenance.... basically to look after his own child... when he isn't paying anything to look after his own child

Please show him this thread

cherrytreesa · 22/05/2021 14:43

I've looked after my DSC when their mum has been stuck. I would never dream of asking for payment, that is dreadful. If she's as nice as you say she is, I would guess that she has absolutely no idea of what your ex is suggesting.

I would find a way to let her know. Maybe a 'nice' text to say " Thanks for the offer to mind DC for payment, unfortunately I can't afford it right now so I'll have to arrange something else but I appreciate the offer" and see what she comes back with.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/05/2021 14:58

Claim child support and book professional childcare.

There’s no way I’d pay a step parent to provide childcare just like i wouldnt pay an actual parent too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/05/2021 15:16

OP. Why not claim CMS and use any money you receive from that towards childcare? Presumably he won't be out of work forever?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/05/2021 15:18

Wait if he's out of work why can't he do the childcare instead of his pregnant partner?!

Dishwashersaurous · 22/05/2021 15:24

Why don't you claim maintainence and use that money to pay for childcare?

Diwoo · 22/05/2021 15:42

I've had this thread on my mind and have tried to untangle it.
You essentially have two separate issues that have entwined together.

you want your ExH to do more childcare (not unreasonable)
he wants to hire the services of his DW (not unreasonable) What is unreasonable is to use 2) to fulfil 1) and expect you to pay for half of it You say you're happy with your current arrangement, which is your prerogative, but you are trying to change something which in effect (if he gets his way) will change the current arrangement (you paying even more money for your DC) If, on the night he has your DC, he decided he wanted to take his DW out and get a babysitter, would you pay half towards the babysitter?

Dishwashersaurous · 22/05/2021 15:50

Also, if he's not working then why on earth isn't he looking after the ch?

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