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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying child’s stepmother for childcare services

98 replies

21biobaby · 21/05/2021 10:40

My mum ex and I have 1DC. I am the primary parent who works FT, DC is with me 6 nights a week and with ex 1 night (Sunday evening to school drop off). I have requested that ex contribute more childcare wise (my parent has dc after school and I collect them after work). Ex has proposed we both pay his wife (who is pregnant and has 1DC with him already) to collect our child from school until he is home from work. I’m against this as I have no set amount for financial help from ex towards DC and I am very generous towards ex new DC. I have said the situation of paying his wife wouldn’t work for me and I understand if his wife cannot help out with school pick up/ childcare, AIBU to not want to pay his wife to help look after our DC( and not expect her to).

OP posts:
Bibidy · 21/05/2021 11:39

I definitely wouldn't get into this scenario and you were right to turn it down OP.

Hope you have managed to find something else that works though.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 11:39

Op why don't you want your child to see him more than a few hours a week most of which they're asleep, or proper money to support her?

LemonSherbetFancies · 21/05/2021 11:41

I would never expect to be paid for looking after my stepdaughter!

HollowTalk · 21/05/2021 11:44

Why doesn't he pay you child maintenance?

If he wants his new partner to financially benefit from this, why doesn't he pay her directly?

3peassuit · 21/05/2021 11:50

What does “no set amount” mean? It could be anything from hundreds to a couple of quid.

Original poster
21biobaby · 21/05/2021 11:51

It’s not that I don’t want to, It’s his choice to have her 1 night per week.

OP posts:
Notcrackersyet · 21/05/2021 11:52

You have asked for financial support and he has come up with an idea where you end up paying to his household? How wrong does that sound!
He needs to pay you a fair maintenance that you then spend as you like eg on childcare.

Original poster
21biobaby · 21/05/2021 11:53

We have not official amount in place for him to pay and the pandemic has caused him be without work for some time.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2021 11:53

So he's not interested in seeing her but his wife can of you pay her. Nice.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 21/05/2021 11:54

I think this is crazy and I'm surprised by the responses....Paying a step-mother to look after a child is really odd. Is she a child minder by profession?

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 21/05/2021 11:55

And if isn't working, he definitely won't be paying his own wife!

Uell · 21/05/2021 11:55

Is this a reverse? It just seems so utterly bonkers, I feel I'm missing something?

BungleandGeorge · 21/05/2021 11:59

When you say you’re generous towards his new child, what do you mean? What are you providing for them?
I expect he’s suggested this because it will bring some income into their family. I would never pay cash in hand to someone not registered for regular childcare, whoever they were. How much is he proposing you pay?

Farmer98755 · 21/05/2021 12:00

I think people are missing the point here. He would not be going ‘halves’ on any childcare as the money in going into his house hold and towards his family so he is there for trying to benefit from having his child more

HollowTalk · 21/05/2021 12:03

So basically he wants you to pay him/their new family to have his own child, when he doesn't pay maintenance in the first place? He's got to be kidding.

I can quite understand why his partner doesn't want to have sole care of your child in the evenings. The only thing for it is for you to claim CM (he can hardly complain - the problem has arisen because he's working - if he's working, he has to cough up) and then you can pay for childcare.

Original poster
21biobaby · 21/05/2021 12:06

Gifted travel system when they were born, clothes, toys ect. I definitely do not provide for them but I treat them as a child in family as they should be.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2021 12:09

@SleepingStandingUp

So he's not interested in seeing her but his wife can of you pay her. Nice.
This. Exactly. This.

And he cannot even be arsed to have his dd more the times, when he has no work.

Sounds like a real catch.

Do yourself a favour and go to CMS as soon as he gets stable work. No point now as you’ll not be awarded much by the sound of it.

And lol. As if he’d pay his wife to have his child. All manners of fucked up.

mainsfed · 21/05/2021 12:09

He should have the DC 50/50 and be responsible organising childcare during his time.

Have you told him this?

MyMajesty · 21/05/2021 12:10

Is it:
a- you want him to see more of his child?
or
b- you want more help with childcare?

If it is (a) why can't he have the child for longer at the weekend, or whatever days he doesn't work?

If it is (b) and the current arrangement suits everyone re access, then it's up to you to arrange more childcare.

If you want your ex to take more responsibility for his own child, then tell him that.
Him dumping that responsibility onto his wife, paid or not, is not reasonable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2021 12:10

@21biobaby

Gifted travel system when they were born, clothes, toys ect. I definitely do not provide for them but I treat them as a child in family as they should be.
You need better boundaries. You sound so caring and giving and you are allowing this man to walk all over you. Always remember that your child sees how you allow yourself to be treated by men and the danger is they will think this is the right way.
justchecking1 · 21/05/2021 12:11

So he's currently not working and not paying any maintenance, but instead of contributing more childcare to make up for this, he's offering to let you pay his wife to provide it? What, while he sits by and watches her do it?!

Sod that

SwimBaby · 21/05/2021 12:12

I think it’s a good solution.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/05/2021 12:14

He should pay maintenance and you need to claim it. I think it can be backdated too although not 100% but your child deserves this money, especially considering how little parenting he actually does.

How and why does he get away with seeing your child for maybe 2 or 3 hours a week? It just isn’t enough, he needs to do more.

drpet49 · 21/05/2021 12:14

* He wants you to pay for HIS child to be at his house? And he doesn't pay you maintenance?*

^This. You are a fool OP.

DroopyDaff · 21/05/2021 12:16

You are being taken for a mug OP!

How on earth could your ex suggest YOU pay his partner to look after HIS joint child with you when he’s not even paying child support. I take it his partner isn’t working so his wage is going on supporting her and their children but not his with you?

Bloody cheek!