My husband seems annoyed when I get ill

[KET84]

I had an emergency operation a week ago for something quite serious and whilst I was in the operating theatre my husband decided to go to the golf range! He sees nothing wrong with that scenario and I'm over reacting as he was only a phone call away on the other hand if it was me I know I'd be at home worried out of my mind waiting on any news. Now I'm home he's been emotionally detached, he's looked after me in the way of cooking, cleaning and making sure I have things I need but has hardly spoken to me at all. No hugs or affection and it's not the first time this has happened. Unfortunately we miscarried a few years ago and he turned his back on me then too and made me feel it was my fault. I feel like when I need him the most he holds back. Am I being irrational, am I expecting too much from him?

My dad does this. It's how he deals with stress, fear or worry - he just detaches from it. I'd guess that he's worried about you. He golfs because it's a distraction, sitting at home he'd go crazy with worry. He remains slightly distant because he's feeling emotionally charged and doesn't want to engage with that. So, he's just being practical.

I'm sure much better advice will come along but imo this is abusive and maniputive. He needs the grow the F up, and you deserve far better. Have you spoken to him about it?

Sorry, I completely forgot to wish you a speedy recovery. I hope you're okay.

That’s awful and actually verging on abusive.

What about if you ever became (god forbid) seriously ill with some chronic disease or disability? (Happened to me).

He sounds horrid.

After almost 20 years of him being this way with me I'm now emotionally drained myself, if somebody cares about you and he says he does why repeatedly cause someone to second guess it? He totally ignores me when I try to talk regarding it.

Thank you its a slow recovery but feeling better every day x

I was a bit worried I'd jumped the gun saying it was abusive, as I have a bit of a sensitive radar due to my history. But if he won't talk about it or is denying it, it sounds like yet another type of toxic behaviour. I'm sorry you're going through this.

The golf course in itself wouldn’t bother me - might as well stay busy, but on from there it doesn’t sound great. But it also feels like this reflects deeper issues in your marriage, and perhaps it’s the time for you to think more about the bigger picture. You sound like two very different people,

@KET84

After almost 20 years of him being this way with me I'm now emotionally drained myself, if somebody cares about you and he says he does why repeatedly cause someone to second guess it? He totally ignores me when I try to talk regarding it.

Thank you its a slow recovery but feeling better every day x

TBH, it doesn't really matter WHY he behaves this way, what really matters is its effect on you.

Whether it's his reaction to stress and comes from a place of care, or whether you being ill annoys him because he regards you as little more than a domestic appliance and you being temporarily broken upsets his routine and requires effort on his part - whichever it is, the effect on you is that you are left "emotionally drained". And I don't think that's any way to live.

How do you see the rest of your life if you stay with him, and how do you see the rest of your life if you were no longer together?

@partyatthepalace

The golf course in itself wouldn’t bother me - might as well stay busy, but on from there it doesn’t sound great. But it also feels like this reflects deeper issues in your marriage, and perhaps it’s the time for you to think more about the bigger picture. You sound like two very different people,

I think that's the problem we've grown and changed over the years and are on totally different paths. I need communication and we just don't talk at all. Golf doesn't bother me, he usually goes of a weekend but I just found it a little disrespectful whilst our teenage daughter was at home and I'm in surgery to not be with her.

@Messywires

I was a bit worried I'd jumped the gun saying it was abusive, as I have a bit of a sensitive radar due to my history. But if he won't talk about it or is denying it, it sounds like yet another type of toxic behaviour. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you I'm sorry you have been through abusive relationships, nobody deserves that! Once you've survived it, I'm sure it is much easier to spot the signs. He's actually a good guy, works hard and I'm sure cares about myself and the children he's just always found it very hard to be loving towards us and it gets worse when I need his support most. I'm not a needy person but he does have a way of making me feel I am.

God help you OP.
Sounds like a very long 20 years.

I bet you aren't needy but yes someone like that would make you feel that.

Your poor daughter left to worry.

It sounds very lonely but only you know if you are prepared to settle for this indefinitely.

Having had an anesthetic can make you quite emotional.
Apparently approx one month recovery for each hour you were under.

Be kind to yourself.

Hope you make a speedy recovery.

@billy1966

God help you OP. Sounds like a very long 20 years.

I bet you aren't needy but yes someone like that would make you feel that.

Your poor daughter left to worry.

It sounds very lonely but only you know if you are prepared to settle for this indefinitely.

Having had an anesthetic can make you quite emotional.
Apparently approx one month recovery for each hour you were under.

Be kind to yourself.

Hope you make a speedy recovery.

I agree! the anaesthetic may have made me more emotional than normal which Is probably why I decided to talk about it for the first time.

It does get rather lonely at home. I do however have a great support network of family, friends and lovely work colleagues so i'm not alienated but it is rather dull every evening looking at him on his phone in one hand and his ipad in the other with either football or golf on and no conversation.

Thank you for your well wishes

I would rather be single than be lonely in my marriage. What is even the point? With such a great support network, I think you would be better off without him.

Did you write about this happening a little while ago op? I seem to remember this scenario brings discussed a month or two ago?

Sadly my exH was similar. One of the many reasons he's ex.

I am sorry - have you spoken to your friends and family about his behaviour this time? This is NOT normal or acceptable. If this were my husband, I don't know how I could come back from this and forgive him.

@CandyLeBonBon

Did you write about this happening a little while ago op? I seem to remember this scenario brings discussed a month or two ago?

Sadly my exH was similar. One of the many reasons he's ex.

No, this is my first ever post.

Sadly sounds as if someone else has had the same issue.

I've questioned our behaviour towards each other for some time and thought this isn't normal, I feel like I'm on a carousel.

He ignores me, we talk about, we're ok for a week then he ignores me again! sometimes this ignorance can last for days and the house feels so miserable.

This has just made me feel awful though at a time when I already feel down and in pain, its like another blow

One of the reasons I divorced my ex as really

If the shit ever hit the fan really OP (not so far detected as you grow older) - can you imagine how little sympathy and support he’d be

**
He ignores me, we talk about, we're ok for a week then he ignores me again! sometimes this ignorance can last for days and the house feels so miserable.**

This alone would mean it’s over for me

So he's a sulker as well?

Christ he sounds so dull and a bit of a pig.

Fantastic that you have great support.

Even more reason to perhaps think about your life.

On his phone/ipad every evening whilst ignoring you.
Not good.

Doesn't sound like a nice home for your daughter either.

Personally I think your marriage sounds far lonlier than actually being alone.

I definitely know which I would prefer.

My ex was like this [ note ex ]. I had an m=emergency C section and he told me that was good as it was easier than virginal birth --- midwife had to point out to him that it was major surgery!
I had to have my gall bladder removed a few years later. He went off for a weekend leaving me with our young child on my own.

To me this was because the focus wasn't on him, which he hated. If he was ever ill [ minor cold ] it was a huge event that everyone had to know about.
Best thing I did was to divorce him :)

It is such a red flag to look out for, how you are treated when you are unwell, preferably before you move in or commit to someone.

Run for the hills if it is anything but well.

Years ago my friend was unwell, a chest infection.
She had been going out with this nice guy for 18 months and he seemed very keen.

Anyway, she didn't seen him for dust for the fortnight.
One super quick phone call.

When she was well again, he called to her house with flowers, delighted she was well.

She told him she was very disappointed in him that he hadn't called to her.

He was very apologetic but explained that he wasn't great around sick people.

She told him that was fine but she wasn't great around selfish people and they were done.

He couldn't believe it and was genuinely upset.
She told him and me she wasn't interested in wasting time with someone who she knew now wouldn't be there for her on a bad day.

She always said afterwards that her chest infection, her first, was a huge blessing, she could've gone on a couple of years more and just not known.

Someone who really cares for you will be very kind towards you, when you are ill.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, and that your husband is behaving like this.

Worried I may be projecting but this raises some red flags with me too. My parents (who I'm not in contact with anymore for various reasons) agreed to travel to look after me after life-saving major surgery, as I'm single and didn't have anyone else. I had wanted them to be there with me on the morning of my surgery but one of my parents had social club commitments so they drove down on the day instead. I lost a lot of blood and went into hypovolaemic shock. The hospital staff tried to call them, as my emergency contact, and they never answered the 'phone. They got in touch a few hours later, after which I'd been treated and was thankfully stable.

To me this behaviour was absolutely normal and characteristic of how they'd been in my childhood. It's taken me some time to process it and realise that I wouldn't treat my own hypothetical child like that, as it's bonkers.

Anyway... really sorry to go off on a tangent. I do think that some people react the way they do by pretending it isn't happening, but when you're ill and you don't have the luxury of doing that, it's unhelpful at best and hurtful at worst. I'd seriously consider the relationship I'm afraid.

@Bagelsandbrie

That’s awful and actually verging on abusive.

What about if you ever became (god forbid) seriously ill with some chronic disease or disability? (Happened to me).

He sounds horrid.

Its not abusive Dont trivialise real abuse

@billy1966 - your friend was spot on.

Men like this are selfish - it’s as if women have only one mode. If they are sick, their partners are either absent or shitty until the woman gets back to a mode that is acceptable to them.

So, my dh is a bit like this and I had emergency surgery 5 weeks ago. We are having couples counselling and, after a lot of digging, we established that he is so afraid of not being able to cope if anything were to happen to me that he panics. His panic takes the form of shutting down. His mum spent a huge portion of his childhood dealing with undiagnosed post natal depression and was pretty much in bed/totally withdrawn much of the time.

I have no idea if anything similar applies to your dh but, once you are feeling better, it may be worth exploring what’s going on further? If, as you say, he is a good guy, there may be an explanation for this behaviour. Understanding my dh’s behaviour has really helped me and I can now give him the reassurance that he needs so that he can give me the emotional support that I need... at least, we are making progress!